Hurrah!

Great news - my back up drive had only fried it's electronics and not the hard disk and so I have a new box with the drive in it and thank goodness - it is looking fine for the moment.  I need to now get some backup stuff in place and I'm pricing cloud versus having a NAS RAID array at home.  That may be expensive now but will prove to be less over the long run I believe.

At least my music is back and I can listen to it - I missed that.

A Cold

Welcome to autumn and winter, feeling pretty stuffed up and not happy at all with getting a cold and it just adds to my less than positive outlook on things at the moment.  It will get better, I know that and I'll be back to my happy self.

I was really pleased to hear that my Mum had gone out on her own yesterday, gone to town and back on the bus and had got out of the house and started to reclaim some independence.  She's going to try and do this every week which is great.  She needs to apply for her senior citizen's travel card and that will mean she can get reduced cost transport.  I'm very pleased about this as she feels better not relying on my brother and sister-in-law and she can go and do her own thing.

Mrs. F. is being super nice to me at the moment but that's because at last she understands what or why perhaps I'm like I am at present.  Mind you I'm beginning to feel better and starting to get myself motivated again.  It's been quite a dip this time but I feel that I'm turning the corner a bit and I just need to work on the positives again.

Full on cold

Sneezing and sore throat, blocked nose etc.  Been having another series of amazing dreams though over the past few weeks, amazing stuff, quite where it comes from I have no idea but the waking one this morning was incredibly detailed with a game show with archaeologists being awarded points and making amazing discoveries in amazing colour and detail.

I took my sick 1TB external drive down to the shop to see if they could sort it out.  We need to read it the last rites and pray for it to deliver up its data.  Shame.  I then had the local electricity people turn up who wanted to lop down a bit of my tree at the back of the garden - which was good as I was planning on doing some of that in a few months time when all the leaves are off.

Another misty day, a mizzly day apparently, depressing and damp but I had a better day today.  The company came back to me to say they were interested in my CV.  I appeared to have the skills they were looking for but they couldn't put me in at a Director level it would have to be a senior level under that.  Well that's OK by me as I'm not certain that I even need to go to that level.  I have though put in a very high starting bid for salary etc.  For no other reason than to actually get me to go back and do what I used to do, I ought to get properly rewarded for it.  From what I've discussed it should be about the right figure for them to be interested and for me to be happy with my lot.

I'm now just having some meds prior to taking my weary a**e off to bed as I'm very tired and could do with sleeping this cold off.   I have quite a few things still on my list to do but I feel that tomorrow I may finally get around to sorting some of them out.

Blast - is that a cold?

Why oh why do people who have colds go on public transport or attend meetings.  I had a hunch on Saturday that the guy next to me was sniffing his way through and I've just started sneezing and have a bit of a stinging feeling at the back of my nose and my throat  is beginning to feel sore.  Just what I don't need right now.

Had a good evening, Flocky Bicep drove us to Essex for a meeting, I had to get to him and so got a bus out into the countryside.  It was quite nice as the driver actually dropped me at the door of the pub I needed to wait at.  How very civilised and how very much different to any London buses.

We had a very nice meeting and it was great to see so many old friends too.  Being in Essex they produced a bowl of Leigh-on-Sea Cockles with vinegar and pepper - what a treat and the guy next to me didn't dine so we shared out his :-)

It was a good distraction today and broke my train of thought and has perhaps given me just enough time to just reflect a bit and restart things in the morning.  Off to bed and I just hope this isn't the start of a cold I really don't need that.

Complicated

If I thought it was ever going to be easy I was kidding myself.  Whilst I'm feeling lighter in my outlook despite the drizzle, mist and generally oppressive autumnal weather, I still have a number of things to resolve and some of them are just a matter of facing up to the fact they will never happen and ruling them out.  Other things need a bit more time to bed in.  Mrs. F. is quite happy that I set up my alternative business but I'm not yet convinced that I want to do that especially as I'm not sure it will make money for us.  It may well do but I haven't sat down and done the detailed planning.  Doing that will probably assist but I would probably need to convince myself that is worth spending some months on doing.  In reality it should have been ready for launch now ready for Christmas (I can officially use that word as there have been adverts out all this month already!).  

I am certain that it would be about this time of year that the business would kick off and of course people would want stuff provided using that as a deadline - it could be tricky.. :-)  Anyway, whilst I'm warming to the idea, I still need to convince myself that it isn't a pipe dream.  It only answers part of the problem though and I'd be still searching for answers on other stuff too.

I know that I need to step back from all the current chaos and take stock.  That's perhaps what I can do in the next week or two.  Hope is fading for these potential gigs I may have had and perhaps that will allow me to direct my attention to the rest of the things vying for my attention.

It's a bit like living in a vortex at the moment, I know I can tackle it all but I just need to step outside and set some targets for the important and urgent stuff and leave some of the detritus behind for now.

Sunday Night

It is going to be a long week I have surmised.  Mrs. F. is off to work as is A tomorrow and then L and her boyfriend head back up to Cambridge tomorrow.  I'll be off on Monday to Essex for a meeting and then not much else until Saturday when I have my first full meeting as Master of my Lodge.  I'm looking forward to that and hope that I can get it right and that the meeting will go ahead smoothly.

It is funny that since I've broached the issue about what to do next with Mrs. F. I've suddenly realised quite how much of a can of worms I've kicked over.  Not for her but for me :-)  It's a strange thing that I hadn't realised how much of my decision making actually hangs on what is right for everyone and not just for me.  It has overloaded my mind a bit and so that's what I now need to resolve.  It's becoming a very difficult time to work out what to do next mainly because I'm not absolutely certain what to do next.  By that I mean that there are now more options available than there were last week and I just need to work my way through them - it's added a lot to the mix but I suppose that's not a bad thing.

Then again maybe not

I ended up sitting downstairs until 3:30 as I was a bit annoyed after having been out for a meal we returned having discussed some things but then we hit a rocky bit and I just needed to be left alone to think.

Today's been a bad one and not helped by a friend who contacted me and has had some pretty awful times, now on various charitable schemes and also having been very down and close to suicide.  I'm far from that and wouldn't contemplate anything like that because surely things can't be that bad that you need to do that.  I would suggest it is a pretty selfish thing to do especially if you have family.  

So today has been a misty, raining, autumnal typical English heading towards winter day.  It's damp and solemn and drippy and misty. It's downright depressing and so my mood matches it.

And yet I have moments where I feel quite normal and upbeat.  

It sounds bad doesn't it?  I'm not in a really bad place though so don't worry about that, I'm just now working through the stuff I need to to work out what I need to do next.  

Afternoon

Was spent sorting out Christmas stuff which made for some time for Mrs. F. and myself to be together.  No one around so we fancy a meal and will either head off up to the Indian for a curry or possibly head to the pub for a bite to eat and a few beers.  Not sure which at the moment but small steps - good stuff.

Nice Meeting

A breakfast meeting with a cooked English Breakfast (a Full one - no idea why they say full English).  It was very nice indeed and a nice way to start the day.   We then had a pleasant enough meeting and a I was home before lunch which was very good indeed.

It was nice too that Mrs. F. had done some work in the new bathroom and so has now headed off to the tip to throw away our old rubbish and dead tiles and stuff.  When she gets back we are going to work on doing something together - not sure what that will be but let's give it a go and see where we end up.  We can just work on something and see where it takes us.  At least we are talking which is a huge step up from last week.  Not that anything was bad just not right.

I am hoping that we might get to start working out the rest of our lives or begin to find some common ground and some heads of agreement.

Purpose

So once you've worked your way up the greasy pole, provided shelter and food for your family and are in a position to pretty well do what you want.  What do you actually do?

Sure I'd like more money and all that but what if that isn't important anymore?  What if I just want a quiet life and to no longer have to work every hour sent and travel for miles and miles?  What if I reverse work and home so that home is more important?  What then?

I questioned why I was spared some years ago.  Was there some "greater purpose"?  Whilst I did a long stint at the Charity I still wasn't absolutely sure.  I made a difference to many people and that's good but it is soon forgotten - like they have forgotten who did some of the original thought leadership.  People are surprised that I may have had any involvement because those who remain  will naturally take the kudos, I'm no longer there, out of sight out of mind.

I enjoy working in some ways but I get right into it, I was never a 9 to 5, it isn't in my nature to be a worker bee / drone.  If I went back into work I reckon I'd be stuck into it and have no home life (again) and all I'd be doing is bringing in the bucks for my retirement and perhaps to have a new car and some other frivolous stuff that will look good but ultimately do the same job as the stuff I' have now.

Had a long chat this morning about things with my business partner and we are struggling with this sense of purpose, a need for a holistic solution and a better work life balance into the future.   

Conundrums

Conundrums indeed, it's the problems that need working through.  I've said it before on here and it goes something along these lines:

Many things have changed since Bladder Cancer.  Life means something entirely different.  Work means something entirely different.  I don't want to live like I lived before.  I don't enjoy doing what I used to do and go out of my way to avoid some things altogether.  All the stuff that went on before is now almost null and void for no other reason than it no longer exists or holds its interest.  Only I have changed and I don't expect everyone else to do so just because of me.

I was explaining that the things that really brought us together no longer exists.  That would be building our house, saving and getting the stuff of life, cars, furniture and all that good stuff.  We built a home then we had kids and then found out that all those things we did no longer exists other than in a set of then and now photographs.  You can't live in the past - it's a shame but it can't happen - many people are trying to go back to the days of their youth and it's not a good look people! :-)  Having witnessed the 60 years olds with long grey hair tied in a pony tail reliving their acid days at some tribute band gig is not where I want to be and not what I want to do.  It captures nothing and takes you nowhere further on.

I don't think I particularly need to do anything way off base either, I just want to enjoy what's left of the rest of my life.  I'd like a house by the coast or in the country, a local ambiance and village feel to the place, the opportunity to know people and to do something to make ends meet but just to make ends meet.  The trouble is that this idealised lifestyle may exists but comes at a price and that's giving up what we have here.  I may be prepared to do that but would others?  How idyllic is it in reality and so on.  On the other hand, I'm quite happy to go and revisit my old life but I think that, if I do, it will be on my terms and that won't be acceptable and I'd want to live near where I work not have to commute which I really cannot stand either.

I may want all of these things but, it is what I want and not what suits everyone else.  That's the thing that needs sorting out.  If it doesn't work for two or more it may not work at all.  That's the worry and perhaps why it has taken so long to get to this point.  But here we are, at long last, able to at least face up to it even if we don't enjoy what we are seeing.

Different

I suppose that's good, things are different all of a sudden but it's strange not having the normal "day-to-day" atmosphere happening.  Of course, it's just a day in but perhaps it's the start of a new dialogue.  Let's see what happens and how things progress.

Off out later to a meeting in Gillingham and so a small trip out is in order via bus and train - it's a reasonably long journey, I used to do it regularly years ago.  Hope that they don't go on for too long as it usually means I'm getting back way gone midnight.

Funeral tomorrow of one of our members, a nice guy, not too sure whether to go as the place will be mobbed out and I really don't like crowded rooms at the best of times.

Another Victim

Ex work colleague, a few years older than me, told he has aggressive form of Cancer, dead in 6 weeks.  Shame.

If you've had Cancer and you are a survivor it brings back some strange feelings and a queasy uneasiness as you recollect your own memories of the diagnosis and the prognosis.  I don't think I actually asked whether I would die because it wasn't explained to me as terminal, it was aggressive however and it was close to being out of control, a few layers of cells and we all know how small they are!

I try not to make too much of it but in reality it IS a big thing and it altered everything.  Years back I suggested collateral damage and there's every possibility that is coming to be now although I don't know what that means, it does concern me.  Of course, what will be will be and whatever may happen couldn't be anywhere near as bad as getting Cancer, I don't think much else comes near at all.  

Needed to be said

Well things needed to be said because I kept coming back to the same old road block in my thinking.  I played a scenario where I would live as long as my dad giving me 27 more years on this planet.  I then played the 10 more years until I can "officially" retire, that gave me perhaps 17 years then I worked out that as I'd already had cancer once that I might well be more susceptible to more (I have no evidence whatsoever to support this).

What I kept coming back to was that many of the things in my bucket list were things that only I really would enjoy doing.  I then started making a list of things that Mrs. F. and I enjoy doing together which never got past 2 things!  Many of the things that kept us together in the past, buying and renovating our two houses, the massive garden and all the fruit, doing our own wine and jams etc growing our own veg were all part of how we grew up together, then there were the children and everything has gone into their health and wellbeing and now that they are substantially off our hands (not entirely) there's nothing much left to do and please I don't need a list of suggestions at the moment - only we actually know what would work.

It actually feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and probably off of Mrs. F's too as she is as aware of this as I am and so it just now needs to be worked through.  Unfortunately she isn't a pragmatist or an optimist when it comes to these things.  She can't see that she could easily give up the rubbish job she is in now and we could go and do something far more fulfilling but that's a discussion to come.

Today I'm going to sort out a huge crop of apples that are lying around in the kitchen and a little later will meet up with Flocky Bicep for a few post work beers and a chat.  I do feel quite bad that I've upset Mrs. F. but I also it should at last get stuff out of my head, off of my mindmaps and out for discussion.  If we don't talk it through then there's no chance of resolving things.

Anyway, at least we've kicked off the dialogue and we will see where it goes.  Whilst I don't feel good about that, it needs to happen and containing it like I have for these past years wasn't a good ploy but perhaps I just wasn't ready to do anything about it.  Who knows, cowardice on my side or perhaps, more like me, keeping testing and checking to make sure that it wasn't "in my head" before coming clean.

I Feel Horrible

God I feel bad, I hate upsetting Mrs. F. she is a diamond lass and does everything for her children and more.  That's both the good and the bad as I've largely been ignored for the "children years".  Not that I minded that, it was my job to hoover up the big bucks and provide the house, funds for the school, trips, dancing etc., whatever was needed and whilst I was away grafting my arse off, the mortgage got paid, the bills were covered and everything worked fine.

In fact all was well until a year or two before I got ill when suddenly I wasn't quite "me" any more and in fact I was ailing.  Since then I've struggled mentally and physically - and as regular readers know - I've gone through the mill every which way possible.  That's my outcome from cancer, not everyones of course.  I'm changed and I'm no longer who I was and my value system has changed possibly diametrically so if I really level with myself, I'm no longer the person she knew and the change is marked.

But I feel really bad to bring this all to a head now.  In reality I feel that I must have definitely left the signal on the browser consciously so Mrs. F. could find it.  It had to be done, it needs to be said and glory knows we haven't spoken to each other properly in years.  She works her butt off and is always tired, can't spend time to talk to me, is in some sort of mood and so on.  The kids always come before me (and I don't begrudge that) but that's just where it is.

Anyway - I feel really bad because I've upset her tonight and she is taking it really badly.  All I want to do is discuss it but I'm a professional consultant type with all the questions and all the answers.  I need to tread on eggshells when we do talk.  I feel like a sh1t but I know I have to do this :-(

Sh1t Timing

I have to say that I have sh1t timing and I was a bit lax here.  I recognised that there was some problems happening especially in terms of "empty nest syndrome" and somehow (maybe consciously) it was left as a search string in the PC Browser.  So Mrs. F. cornered me as I got back from the pub.  Now as I said at the time of being so cornered - it isn't a great time to talk to me after I've got a few beers down my neck and I'd been laughing and joking with the lads but we had some discussions (shall we say).

It wasn't pleasant but then again I didn't expect it to be but it was a little more unpleasant than I really wanted it to be or needed it to be.  In fact it got a bit ugly but then I suppose it was time I said something but I really didn't want to be talking with a few beers down the neck although, on reflection, at least I said it as it was.

Of course, now I've upset things and have been trying to smooth it all over but it's all about money, who does what at home and all that old tosh.  Frankly, it wasn't a fair contest and so I stopped it and we need to talk later but at last and at least we are going to talk and I've been wanting to do that for years.

Finally we agree that we don't like each other's choice of music, TV, friends and many other things and that's a huge amount of progress.

Let's see what the rest of the week brings.  I feel an absolute bastard for bringing it up but it needs to be said and the conversation needs to be had.  I'm worried about the future and Mrs. F. isn't looking past the next pay packet, we are so off base it isn't true.  Let's now hope we can work this out at last.

I was surprised I said some of the things I did tonight but I was pretty explicit about my life expectancy and the short time I felt I had left.  Mrs. F. is worried about things that aren't even remotely likely to happen unless she wishes hard enough for them to.   

At least it is out in the open and at least we know where we stand.  I just think that she has held on to too much for too long and thinks it is all her fault when, in reality I think it is mainly my problems we need to tackle.  Let's see where it goes from here.  It isn't a good night but it is progress and that's what I need now.

Strange

There's something a bit strange going on here.  There's me ranting about being unconventional, not wanting to go back into Corporate life and all that good stuff and yet here I am feeling quite OK after submitting my CV to one of the largest Corporate entities on the planet.  

I even feel quite good this afternoon and that's also strange.  Oh well, I will roll with it and see what happens I guess.  So far today I've been on a "bit of a roll" and that's what is so strange about it as it isn't anything confirmed just a possibility.  

Off out tonight to see my old school chums - blessed with good friends from around 1967 when my parents moved us to here from London.   45 or more years how nice is that? I have to say that I was very lucky indeed to have been able to continue to have such good pals after all this time.

Nearly wrote last night

But I held off as I felt that I wasn't in the right frame of mind. It had been a strange day as I have been in a bloody strange mood since last Thursday and that's not the fault of my mate K, he just asked me how things were and of course he isn't a close, close friend and so the last time we actually spoke spoke was a few months previously when dad died and I was more concentrated on that than current things.

My business partner turned up unexpectedly in the afternoon and we had a good old chin wag about our respective problems, neither of us are certain about the life, the universe and everything :-)  we have incredible moments of self doubt and somehow it is our shared experience that is giving us problems.  We both had cancer at the same time, we both spent time discussing it and meeting up and it was good for both of us to discuss common problems, we worked together for 2 years (or more) and so we have a lot in common.  We get on fine and he had just been for an interview for a very powerful job indeed - that was an interesting in its own right.

We kicked around lots of ideas and put forward lots of reasons for why we weren't feeling great.  It boils down to many things including:

• Sense of purpose
• Need to "make a difference"
• Survivor syndrome
• Impact of Cancer on mind and body 
• Although we don't think the business was a failure - that must be in the back of our minds even though we don't think like that
• Uncertain future direction - not happy to go back into stuff we've done or been to before

These aren't all of them but it's enough.  It just goes to show the turmoil rattling around in our heads.  In a way we looked at the distraction that the business gave us and the sheer amount of work we did must also have had some impact.  Often the end of a project isn't euphoric it is flat and an anti-climax and later you can look back and celebrate.  It's possibly grieving for the project that sits there, to this day, with the ability to change people's lives around the world not seeing the light of day?  

Anyway it was interesting as Flocky Bicep noted the somewhat morose content of my blog of late.

Last night I wasn't feeling a lot better but today, after having my CV submitted to a major business, I feel slightly more upbeat even though I'm not particularly sure it is what I want, it actually carries different weight into the equation as the business is a world leader and the job would likewise be of the level of seniority that would switch on a few of my needs.  

So I feel better but I am not sure if I would want the job under normal circumstances. 

Another Day another Dollar?

Not quite, it's been a week and I haven't heard anything about this possible job.  I'm somewhat disappointed but I am also not surprised by it either.  It may or may not happen and that's just the way of it.  The trouble with this is that you can't plan on ifs and buts and maybes and it undermines planning.

Not that I'm a lot further with that either.  Procrastination halts me on even the simplest tasks and indecision, uncertainty and doubt certainly manage to give me the runaround.  It's not all as bad as it may sound but I could certainly use some clarity in thinking these days.  So much for me being the big strategic thinker!  

It's like a Plumber whose house if never quite leak free and I find that I'm good at what I do for customers but not at home, that's different :-) 

So there we go it's all a bit befuddled at the moment.

Dawned the new day

My shoulder wasn't great overnight and in fact during the day.  We went to the Black Tie lunch - it was a bit strange dressing up for it but we had the restaurant to ourselves and very nice it was too.  Chez Vous was given over to us for the afternoon and it was a nice lazy afternoon, starting with Champagne and ending with a beer before we went home we had the most marvellous food in between and some superb wines too.  All in all very nice.  A bit too rich for Mrs. F. but you can't have everything.

It was nice to rest my arm a bit but I had to still try and stop this damn leak at the connection with my new radiator and it did need  a serious tighten.  It looks to have sorted it but will leave it overnight and see.

I wasn't in a great mood this morning unfortunately and Mrs. F. got the silent treatment a bit.  The usual nonsense about going out - it does my head in slightly when suddenly after months of knowing we are going out there such a kerfuffle over what to wear, whether she knows anyone, then she left her glasses behind, then we had to get back into the house to pick up some driving shoes and a list of other things that really annoy someone who is organised like me.  Everything is a drama and I have things planned out and set out so that I know where I'm going, how I can get there, what the place looks like (thanks Google Street View) and so on.  I know how much money we need to take to pay for it and so on.  Mrs. F. knows that I'm this well organised and always have been and still I get it in the neck :-)  I don't tend to answer back in these situations as I'd obviously be wrong or stupid :-)

As it happens, it was all sort of OK.  

I think my underlying concern is that there's a hint of things to come and that what's called "Empty Nest Syndrome" may be creeping in here.  For 22 years we've done nothing other than look after the kids, feed them, take them to school and back and our lives revolved around them pretty much.  Many things went by the wayside, I gave up Golf, I hardly play my musical instruments or much of my music these days.  Now that A and L aren't around much we suddenly have a big house with 2 of us rattling around in it to such an extent that we can be in the same house and not see each other for hours at a time.  

Mrs. F. isn't a great fan of music, let alone my music, she doesn't particularly like going out for meals and similar events (which I get plenty of invites to).  She doesn't like going to "my sort" of concerts and there lies a bit of a problem.  She has no interest in other interests I have, History and family history nor does she read as prolifically as I do and certainly not the same sort of books, the only interests I see us having these days are holidays and walking but whilst I quite like warm hot places she doesn't, neither does she like cruising (sea or inland).  

It appears to me that 22 years investment in the children is well spent but the "sacrifice" in terms of our social lives does appear to be a bit heavier than I expected.   Something else to watch out for no doubt!  Oh well, at least we are speaking terms after the meal.