Nearly wrote last night

But I held off as I felt that I wasn't in the right frame of mind. It had been a strange day as I have been in a bloody strange mood since last Thursday and that's not the fault of my mate K, he just asked me how things were and of course he isn't a close, close friend and so the last time we actually spoke spoke was a few months previously when dad died and I was more concentrated on that than current things.

My business partner turned up unexpectedly in the afternoon and we had a good old chin wag about our respective problems, neither of us are certain about the life, the universe and everything :-)  we have incredible moments of self doubt and somehow it is our shared experience that is giving us problems.  We both had cancer at the same time, we both spent time discussing it and meeting up and it was good for both of us to discuss common problems, we worked together for 2 years (or more) and so we have a lot in common.  We get on fine and he had just been for an interview for a very powerful job indeed - that was an interesting in its own right.

We kicked around lots of ideas and put forward lots of reasons for why we weren't feeling great.  It boils down to many things including:

• Sense of purpose
• Need to "make a difference"
• Survivor syndrome
• Impact of Cancer on mind and body 
• Although we don't think the business was a failure - that must be in the back of our minds even though we don't think like that
• Uncertain future direction - not happy to go back into stuff we've done or been to before

These aren't all of them but it's enough.  It just goes to show the turmoil rattling around in our heads.  In a way we looked at the distraction that the business gave us and the sheer amount of work we did must also have had some impact.  Often the end of a project isn't euphoric it is flat and an anti-climax and later you can look back and celebrate.  It's possibly grieving for the project that sits there, to this day, with the ability to change people's lives around the world not seeing the light of day?  

Anyway it was interesting as Flocky Bicep noted the somewhat morose content of my blog of late.

Last night I wasn't feeling a lot better but today, after having my CV submitted to a major business, I feel slightly more upbeat even though I'm not particularly sure it is what I want, it actually carries different weight into the equation as the business is a world leader and the job would likewise be of the level of seniority that would switch on a few of my needs.  

So I feel better but I am not sure if I would want the job under normal circumstances.