Through A Child's Eyes

 The weekend party with the grandchildren was great.  I am not known for my empathy or emotional responses but you know, what was good was to see how they all got on together and how they worked things out, got frustrated, upset and quickly it was forgotten.  Working things out was interesting as they had to free a load of plastic bugs from a block of ice.   Progressively things were experimented with until dropping it on the patio was tried.  Then dad had to get his club hammer out and assist them with smashing the ice up.

It took me back to other moments where I did actually get to feel my emotions - being an INTJ that is pretty difficult as it's all logic and so on with me.  We went to Disneyland (we actually went three times eventually) but the first time was the one for me.  The children were young and of course they were smallish too.  I remember stopping and realising that everything that they saw and experienced was new and most probably magical to them.  It felt magical to me as their reactions and obvious joy was what it was all about and I was just there to enable it to happen along with the Disney people of course.

A similar thing happened when I "rewarded" the children with a trip to Lapland, it was all planned with a letter dropping down the chimney and tickets and all sorts of things.  It was a wonderful experience with all sorts going on, Reindeer, Husky Rides, snow, magical candlelit trails into the woods and so on.  It was moving when they met the big man and it was great that they had a few lovely presents to bring home with them.

We have our grandson with us at the moment and finally I realise how precious these times are.  He is quite young but my goodness can he read and write.  He's not bad at maths either and when we went to a restaurant the other day, apart from a couple of words he read it all.  The thing is of course to encourage and just rejoice in his achievements.  I said he'd counted up to 100 this morning whereupon he corrected me - 110 he said.  Someone said don't you mind getting up early to look after him?  Well of course not because soon he won't be here and he won't want to come that often, he'll be with his friends and so its best to enjoy it all and see it through his eyes.

Everything is new and bright and interesting, that's good to ground us adults and remind us, despite all the rubbish things that exists in our world, there are amazing things to be seen and to do.  A new bird feeder today being a prime example and suddenly lots of birds were flcoking to the garden and we could try to identify them.

I have to stop myself being Mr. Pedant and Mr. INTJ and having these little people around certainly does that for me.  

If You're So Clever, Why Ain't You Rich?

 A perfectly reasonable question I'd say.  I was just looking back at some of my conversations with Entrepreneurs and especially Life Coaches.  

You'd be discussing the issues in trying to find funding and yo'd get some idiot saying something along the lines of "Business Angels" or "Venture Capitalists" and of course, when you asked them if they'd ever done that, invariably they'd say no.  My colleagues and I had and that's where we differed and that's how you gain experience.  

Life Coaches telling you how to become a millionaire and I'd often ask them were they, in fact, millionaires?  Once again, they'd say no so I wondered how they knew that they could help someone achieve that whilst not achieving it themselves.

A trained Dale Carnegie practitioner also had the most disorganized business and approach and so it doesn't always follow that knowing the theory actually produces results.  

It also brought to mind these horrendous networking events I went to (I didn't go to many) that were just awful.  Lots of people saying they were entrepreneurs who came up and did their 60 second Elevator Pitch and dismissed yours or rudely walked away when you were speaking to them, interrupted you or pulled the person you were speaking to away, introduced to someone wholly inappropriate for your particular business.   As an INTJ it was the worst possible torture and I often left after 30 minutes and went to the bar or another bar away from these mad people.

One meeting I went to a chap waltzed up bouncing about from one foot to the other, dressed in part of a clown's outfit (I kid you not) and gave me his business card which was a roughly printed, badly ripped off centre bit of paper with name and address and his USP!  He'd help you launch a product or promote your business dressed as a character of your choice and that was what he did!  Before I could tell him what we did, he bounded off to interrupt and p1ss off the next person.  His bit of paper went in the bin.

You could go to some meetings where they'd have a speaker and quite often they would be OK but also, quite often, they'd be teaching me how to suck eggs.  It was always nice to speak to these people and let them slowly realise you knew far more than they did on the subject.

I am so glad to be out of that situation.  I did enjoy standing in for someone at his business meeting and doing his Elevator Pitch (everyone can give a 60 second presentation).  They said well you can do your elevator pitch and I said that I wasn't certain that they'd all be bothered.  I worked for an Indian Global Software House and I was heir UK guy.  So I explained that we did multi site, global software projects with financial analytics and the like and as I suspected, there were a lot of opened jawed participants looking at me in disbelief as I explained the size of the business I represented.  

Oh well, happy and sad days - looking back it was probably a bit more fun now than it was then!

Dreams

It is strange but I don't always remember my dreams, night dreams that is but there are some that I do and also I have recurring dreams that come back and must have some sort of significance.

The claustrophobia one is common although it doesn't occur as often these days.  It's always been a problem in real life and sometimes I look back on the horrors of being in places that I find overwhelming - not everyone understands it but it is pretty awful and I hate it.  Cinemas, Theatres, trains etc.  Definitely not my thing.

There's a transport dream and that is all about being on various trains and knowing the layout of the underground so well as to use all the hidden passages to navigate my way around.  A lucid dream is traversing London through subterranean passages, walkways, narrow bridges, through offices and so on.  This can also manifest itself as if travelling through a very large office block - a big triangular one over many floors that is based on one I actually used to work in which had trading floors, offices, deserted floors and so on so I never know exactly where I am.  

The one's losing your clothes or being in a stated of undress are also occasionally thrown into the mix.  

Recently the dreams have quieted and I find myself reliving specific scenes of my life and imagining that these had a different ending.  The love of my life in a relationship that could never be.  I can see, and almost smell and touch her.  It is most strange.  I don't recall many of these waking fantasies I'll call them. I can travel back to a scene at work, in my car, on a journey, in a meeting I'm sure you get the idea and replay a certain moment that's obviously etched on my mind.

Old girlfriends and what "might have been" seem to be more to the front of my mind and I don't think it is regret.  It's not that.  I hear the phrase along the lines of being asked "Oh my God, did you.....?"  and me replying "All my life!"  What might have been and perhaps in that parallel universe it may well have happened.  I suppose I've always wanted to know "what if?"  what if that had happened, what if we'd stayed together, what if something else had happened and so on.  I wonder if other people think and feel the same way too?

Destiny and circumstance are very strange things.  How you navigate life and what turns out and how it turns out.  Is there a plan?  Is it all "meant to be" or is there a serendipity here?  It is what it is and can not be any different.  Here I am, all these things have happened.  Was I just lucky, did I make my own luck? Right place at the right time or something else pre-planned preordained?  

I am unsure why I know I dream and yet I have only the vaguest of memories about what is was I dreamt about.  

Cancer - Dealing With It - Reflections (some 18 years I think later)

 I somehow got to thinking about the good things as my little grandson and granddaughter had a party yesterday and my other grandson (he knows me as that) went along and they all had a wonderful time as children do.  It's not always the toys and the like that are important it is how they enjoyed playing with each other, making up games and the rules as they go along and interact with each other, the laughs and the tears, the bumps and falling over, overcoming their shyness until after a while they lose all of that and just enjoy being children.  

I forget that it is sometimes these simple things that are the most fun.  Maybe not for us but for them and it is their fun that's important, making memories and all that good stuff.  I bought some blow up hats that sit on their heads to make them look like different animals.  It wasn't expensive but it was good fun and they all enjoyed taking a hat away which is great.  It made me happy that they were happy.

So what's this to do with Cancer?  Well it made me think that at one time I never thought I'd see my own children grow up.  There yo go that's sobered things up.  When you hear the word cancer you immediately think it is a death sentence and it isn't really.  I like that people with a terminal diagnosis are able to face up to their future I'm not sure if I would have liked to face it all those years ago.  Of course I actually did think that I had a big possibility of having a terminal disease.  I am glad that it was found and acted on early, that it was treatable afterwards and after a while (if you read this blog from the beginning (it certainly is a cure for insomnia) that you can see how it slowly dawned that things were a lot better than seen at first sight.

You don't know that or anything at the beginning at all.  Gradually you understand what you have, what you may have to go through and that there's a balance.  I mean within 6 months I was cancer free and I was almost entirely free if I think about it after the first operation that removed it.  However they operated again to prevent reseeding and then I had the Immunotherapy which prevented any recurrence - I had another series of operations after that to check that things were OK and of course, here I am.

I'm cured.  I no longer need drugs or treatment and recurrence is unlikely (but it can come back - it's one of the worst for it).  Generally if you are clear 10 years you are pretty unlikely to recur.

So what am I saying about dealing with it?  Well it's not something that happens immediately.  You kind of grow into dealing with it.  It grows on you (sorry about that).  As you begin to understand it, understand yourself and then alter your life around it and your family acceptance grows but in my case so did the gap between myself and my Ex.  I do feel sad about that, she looked after me throughout the whole episode really well and I feel guilty that it ended up like it did.  No nastiness just huge sadness.  

So What Would You Do?

 I've realised that I have (unlike me) bowed to other people's wishes for too ling now.  It's not a fault really as the other person was very nice and didn't want confrontation etc.  All very well but now he's no longer involved in the business it struck me quite hard how un-business like I've become.  I ran my own business at the same time as this one and didn't let sentiment get in the way but perhaps because this chap was so involved I deferred to his wishes even though my head said no - I was convinced otherwise.

We had agreed that after delivery of the product we needed from the supplier I would have a quiet word with the supplier and explain what major contractual faults he had made and how to avoid them and also warn him that anyone else would have made commercial and contractual mincemeat of him.

Six years or more later and we still aren't there, still not delivered and I've now had to read the riot act to them.  We've paid for the product and we haven't got it, we've paid extra (and more than they wanted) so we could get it to get trading and still it is not ready.  This is not an insignificant amount of money, more than I get in pension per year and more than that still!

If you;d have paid for something in full and still not got it and then paid extra to get it, you'd believe that you were swindled at best.  The conversation I had was one of those casual conversations where you wont get part one in the full specified version and they might do a few tweaks to get it right and the other part I'd have to wait a further 9 months for!  It's not a baby BTW.  So after 6 years, full payment I haven't got the first part anywhere near the finished article and it seems that the second part hasn't even been started.

SO, I've explained what this amounts to in legal terms for them, I am giving them a chance to make amends and to sort it out.  At this point in time I don't care about their personal circumstances, what other work they've got on or anything other than what I've paid for.  I hope that I have got the message through.  I hate litigation and all the work I'd have to go through to recover the money but that's the bottom line (that they don't seem to comprehend).  They "Think" because they've got half a product that there's value in there.  If I don't have it and I'm not selling it, it's worthless absolutely worthless and they don't understand basic economics of business.

If I had paid for a car (it's about that value) and you told me after 6 years I could have half of it and the other half when they got around to it, I think you might get a feeling for the absurdity of it all.  

Freedom To Do What I Should Have Done

This is a strange one.  It's been a very strange week indeed.  The "resignation" of my business partner was the kick off along with 9 after 9 years) a threatening letter the relationship was terminated and with it came the threat to the business which is still there now he's gone.

After the shock and a response acknowledging the defection I was left with a business to try and run.  I had been (fighting is not the right word) trying to get things moving but despite the business partner not being part of the business, it was his baby and I just managed it and what he wanted.  The trouble was he didn't want any conflict with the supplier and he would keep changing his mind and wanting to do non-business things.  I could only advise and caution but there we go, we are where we are.

When I spoke to the supplier he told me stuff that was not what I wanted to hear and the reason was he suggested a cut down version and a delay not of a short period but a further 9 months to the delivery.  This after we have just voluntarily funded him to a further 50% of his original contract value and this latest late delivery was just another in a long line of failures.  SO I thanked him for the information and said I'd get back to him.

Dear reader, we are already six and a half years late!  The new information would make it 7 years late.  I was fuming and rightly so because this was a six to eight month project in 2018!  So now, free from my ex-partner who would have been (well not happy) accepting of the delay I set to with a Risk Analysis and of course, if I'm not selling the App that this guy is developing, I'm not making money for that is what the business was set up to do in 2016. 

So I now have the freedom to make my feelings quite clear to the supplier and to set out his options for him.  Like some mystic I've read him his future!  We have paid for the Apps in full.  I don't think he gets this.  He is almost 7 years late on small contract and I mean you can pick up more expensive second hand cars for this money we are talking about.  I've had to explain that if you have paid for something and then paid around 50% more for delivery, the last thing you need to be told a month before delivery is there is a further 9 month delay.

So I did my RAID Analysis and then explained in very simple terms and very nicely what his problems are.  If you've bought something and the contract is fulfilled and you don't deliver then it's a matter of law and your rights as a buyer etc.  Anyway, you get the drift I imagine if you'd paid for an item and paid in full and then were delayed by years I'm sure you wouldn't have let it go.

So he's now received both barrels and should be in no doubt what is required of him.  He understands that it is unacceptable to receive money and not to actually deliver.  He has remedy but I am not going to do his job for him and I've reminded him how shaky the ground is on which he treads.

Suddenly after a very stressful week the pressure is off and over to him.  My business cannot survive if he doesn't deliver and if he doesn't deliver his business goes down to the depths with mine.  I would love to get the business running and try this App out in the market but at the end of the day, if he doesn't deliver I cannot and so I hope he now understands the gravity of the situation.  Whether he understands that he is stopping me making money and costing me money remains to be seen.

I was worried about closing the business down which I will have to if this chap doesn't deliver but at least now I am free to kick some ass and get it across the line something I am afraid I should have done a long time ago.

It is however serious but at the same time a huge relief and weight off my shoulders that I am free to run the business in the way it should have been run all along. 

Gaslighting

 When I was around 18 years old I recall discussing with my parents and uncles and aunts that I felt that the national newspapers were only giving me the news they wanted me to see.  I also opined that the TV was also only giving a narrow view of the world.  Of course, there was no internet but there were some alternatives although given my distrust even those were looked on cautiously.

Many years later and you can probably see that social media and online sources added to newspapers and TV still have a massive influence although I am pleased that not so many people watch the TV as they used to and many, like me, just don't listen or watch the "in your face" biased reporting you get these days.  

The MSM seems to permanently be in a state of mild shock that many people hold different views to them.  There are very few people who talk on TV now who I think "oh yes, they're telling  the truth" it no longer happens.  It's like I'm looking at a bunch of lying scoundrels and I know what they are saying is a lie whether they believe it or not.  You just have to scratch the surface and the rancid scent of bullsh1t arises.  Does what you've just heard pass the "So What?" test.  I doubt it.  They spout stuff that is incorrect, not abased on fact or data or science and what worries me is that people actually believe this stuff and happily argue with you about subjects they only know the buzz words about there's no depth of knowledge here, just tropes and propaganda.

I'm getting fed up of being accused of being a "Climate Denier!" or a "Covid Denier!" I mean break down what those words actually mean and it's like the school bully who's vocabulary is limited to the number of grey cells between his ears calling you a nasty name!  I like the argument where someone was rushed off their feet because they were at 110% capacity in the "Covid Ward" at the Hospital.  They were, honesty, going so red in the face and their necks were swelling up I thought their blood vessels would burst, it was not a nice thing to see or hear as they were almost screeching at me.  The reason behind this reaction?  Well, I know the Hospital in question and I knew that the ward housed around 40 people at most.  It's a big Hospital but how can professionals with all their training and the resources at their disposal (don't forget all other procedures were more or less cancelled) not be able to cope.  Run off their feet indeed.

Climate change - ye another yelling rancid soap dodging git telling me I'm wrong and I don't know anything and yet I can certainly point out that the diagrams and predictions don't seem to align with data.  A computer model and real world data ought to correlate.  They actually don't work.  Like my staff who used to prepare spreadsheets and plans for projects that you could drive a London bus through the cells!  A best guess to two decimal places if you were extremely lucky - these things never ever have a bearing in reality. They can make you think and speculate and do risk assessments and base a judgement but no matter how hard you try, it's someone's best guess what is happening.  If you are paid to predict disasters you'll never guess what answer will appear?

Yep, it's all gaslighting and it's all guess work.  WAKE UP PEOPLE.  It's about time, the majority who are asleep actually woke up to what is going on around them and started just applying some basic logic questions to these things.  A bit of the good old Rudyard Kipling:

I keep six honest serving-men

   (They taught me all I knew);

Their names are What and Why and When 

   And How and Where and Who.

I send them over land and sea,

   I send them east and west;

But after they have worked for me,

   I give them all a rest. 

I let them rest from nine till five,

    For I am busy then,

As well as breakfast, lunch, and tea,

   For they are hungry men.

But different folk have different views; 

  I know a person small—

She keeps ten million serving-men,

  Who get no rest at all! 

She sends 'em abroad on her own affairs,

   From the second she opens her eyes—

One million Hows, two million Wheres,

  And seven million Whys! 

And Now? Well? Now We Deal With The Fallout

 I have to say that I felt wounded yesterday as if someone had literally stuck a knife in my back except it was my stomach and chest that I could feel the tension in.  I could be outraged I suppose that someone who I have worked alongside for I think 9 years now could round on me quite aggressively and it hurts in a way to have expended all that effort for it to be wasted and to go nowhere just because they've had (what appears to me) a mental ablution.

It is a massive act of self harm really as on one day he gives away part of his business empire (it isn't built yet BTW and so is worthless as it stands) and threatens me that the new owner must have their shares blah blah blah blah.  Well, it doesn't take Einstein to tell you that if you then torpedo the business by leaving before it is launched then there's every likelihood that there isn't going to be any reward for those shares anyway?  Sometimes I shake my head and say "It's not me is it?" It's utterly crazy.

I've put everything on hold for a short while whilst I decide what to do about the business.  I can close it down, in some ways a blessed relief from all the pressure.  I'm retired I only did it to help him out in the first place.  It's now complicated.  I dislike complicated.  It needs some capital to get it over the line.  Am I prepared to put more investment in to get it over the line and in front of people?  I only need to sell a few of these a year and I can cover the costs.

So I am being a spreadsheet jockey and doing my Excel gymnastics with the figures to see what impact this has had on the business and on me.  I really, really don't need all this cr@p.  Not at my age FFS.

So I am left to deal with the toys out of the pram moment and I suppose as he no longer wants to talk to me have anything to do with me that is going to be that.  It's bizarre almost as if his Ego has taken control of his head but I can't do anything about him just the fallout I've now inherited.

Well, I wasn't Expecting That

 People.  They can be unexpectedly and inexplicably stupid and vicious and unfathomable all at the same time.  It's what makes humans humans I suppose.

So yesterday I received a letter from my "business partner" which you might as well have stabbed me through the heart with.  He'd been a "bit weird" last week but this was full on toys out of the pram tantrum and the upshot is, after about 9 years (I think) just as we are about to actually go live, he pulls the plug.  Mmm.  I'm the business person not the ideas person.

It's reminiscent of a story I told him about people who talk themselves out of something it becomes a "Self Fulfilling Prophecy" and you see it a hell of a lot in business.   This guys has stewed away for days possibly longer that I'm up to something.  That's a bit difficult as we aren't even trading yet.  Despite me being transparent with him (as I was showing him the tender for Accounting services) he started to get really agitated that I was on the take. Of course, that really cannot happen with the small amount of money in the bank and we aren't making any money just spending it!  

Next he wants to dilute his shares.  OK that's fine but oh no, apparently I didn't do it fast enough for him (he didn't give me the proper address nor did he answer his phone) so I had to find the address myself.  Now I've got a serious threatening letter to deal with on top of that.  Trying to contact him and eventually finding the information myself took a few days.  You'd have thought I'd have brought the end of the world in upon him!  The letter went off a few days late and I imagine he got it yesterday but oh no, worse was to come.  He's quit the business, left me to run it on my own and at the same time threatened my person too.  Yes all in writing.  

I've been left with no choice but to accept his resignation and all the other stuff but of course, it probably means that the business will now fold and the shares he's given to his friend are worth..... yes you've guessed it, absolutely nothing if I shut the business down like I'm probably going to have to.  A nice gift idea that will backfire on him big time.  All because he wouldn't take my call and thought I'd talk him out of it.  I don't really care what he does with his shares, he can do what he likes. I care that after all this time he's "gone off on one" and destroyed our relationship, his business (albeit I run it) and that's it, all his dreams and ideas that we sweated over and honed over the years undone in a few moments careless writing and a few days stewing in his kitchen getting angrier and angrier to the point that the prophecy became fulfilled.

So now he and all the other shareholders may or may not have a business left.  I've got a disturbing set of threatening letters and he's got no further part in what's left of the business.  I think he hasn't actually thought about this properly especially giving shares to someone else (for their birthday).  Imagine being the one to give you a worthless piece of paper in your birthday card and thinking you've done a good thing.  Up until yesterday the gift may well have been worth a lot of money, as it stands today, not so much!

I feel betrayed, of course I do and once my anger had subsided as I dislike being called anything but a professional in my job, I was able to write the business acceptance back to him, lay out the considerations and what his actions had done to the business and I have a few days now to decide what to do in the interests of the company and its subscribers.  What a complete waste of everyone's time and money and for what?   Human nature, Ego, Pain Body, Pride perhaps and we all know what comes after Pride.

I'm annoyed as we can almost taste the launch.  All the website, social media and so on are in place and running (well until today that is).  It's going to be a decision to launch with risk or shut it down completely and I need to work that out in the next day or so!  What a sh1t show of the first order... 

Almost There - Trying Not To Give A ....

I think there's a point you reach when you decide not to give a flying f*** about things.  I'm quite close now because I have always tried to be a good citizen, help people out, hell I've helped raise other people's kids and helped them out getting onto a career ladder often at my expense and my time and last night I was thinking about what I wrote yesterday which set off a series of thoughts and reminiscences about my life.  

Life disappoints.  Not life in itself but people.  They never quite turn out to be as good as you first expect of them.  No one is quite (as good as I am) being an INTJ will be part of this problem in the way that I fully expect the same level of commitment and quality from those around me as I'd give myself.

So today I am looking at moving my savings out of where I've always had them because the Government of the day not content with taking away fuel for winter and doubling the price seem intent on taxing everything so I might as well use all the allowances available and secure my savings in another way.  That's the sort of people they are.  Having saved all my life and put myself in a position so as not to be a burden on the state, they are coming after me and my money that will if they carry on make me a burden on the state and if I had been a lazy bugger all my life and not made such provisions I'd be fine as they'd be throwing money at me! 

It makes no sense but the politics of envy never does.  I really hope, hard as it will be on us, that the financial impact embarrasses them and we see the curtain pulled back and finally observe what we all know that these amateurs have no idea what they are doing (well I hope they don't know).  Never interrupt an enemy when they are making a mistake is something I've always lived by and this week onward it will be me watching them all accelerating into a car crash that everyone but them can see coming.

So I now need to eat my own dog food or eat the frog and so what I'd advise people to do and that's not to give a flying f*** about it all.  Look after number one and observe these complete muppets impale and disgorge themselves on the reality of the world albeit it at our expense and making us all poorer in the process - I like that they will dazed arise from the car crash with incredulous eyes, shrugging their shoulders, wiping off the dust and debris and asking each other "What happened there?" 

Decision Time

 In regards to the business partner nonsense.  I've decided that it is just that, nonsense.  I'm sure this chap is talking it over with other people and thinks I am pulling the wool over his eyes and as with many people who aren't actually in business or have never "enjoyed" the ups and downs of business ownership, hiring and firing, litigation and all that sh1t these sage advisiors really don't know what they are talking about, have no experience and have read it in a book somewhere.

I recall listening to "business people" telling me all about Venture Capital and Business Angels having never been involved in one themselves and Mentors who hadn't managed to mae a million out of their chosen profession.  

And so, I thought about this and decided to do nothing.  Nothing at all.  I've switched off from doing anything to do with the company or the imminent launch of the product.  Three or four months now I've been engaged every day in producing social media campaigns, signing up for platforms, getting accountants briefed and so on.  I've invested all that time and effort and I've also been drilling deeply into contracts and the like.  Insurance and other stuff is also all bubbling away and sod it.  I'm leaving it all to just sit there.  He can't be bothered to answer my calls.  Fair enough, I imagine he's hiding.  I don't know what his next move will be either.  He can't actually affect the business as such.  I suppose he could get the shareholders together and remove me but I doubt he is thinking like that either.  

His letter throws a big left hook followed by a cheery let's get on and do this.  SO my turn to not answer telephone calls, not instigate them either and just let him think about things for a while.  It's all so familiar to me, these huge incidents of self harm inflicted on your own business and your own ideas!  Attaching the very person who is willing and able to get you to where you want to go.  I used to say that they'd rescued defeat from the jaws of victory or that they in themselves fulfil their own prophecy of doom.  This self immolation this huge and scary act of self harm isn't rare.  So many times have I witnessed it and tried to stop people doing it that it is best to let them commit their own ritual seppuku, or hara-kiri - they are compelled to do it, like a moth drawn to a flame there's no way you can stop it by logic or reason.

So, let them do it and as long as the business isn't harmed then I can pick up the pieces and move on from there.  I just need them to have the space and the length of rope long enough to get them their lesson learned.  

It amuses me that the "Brain of Britain" as I shall call him at the same time as his cortex explodes, gives away a significant number of shares of the businesses (to be fair they are his to give away) to a non participant, way more than other actual participants are rewarded.  In doing this, his controlling interest is diluted which makes life interesting for me as sole Director!  

In a way I'm sending him to Coventry for a while to see if he can decide for himself what he might have done wrong and to consider atoning for his behaviour.  I'm going to take a well deserved rest from this now.  I've worked too hard and put in far too many hours to then be abused for running the business within the law, within its Articles or Association, on behalf of the shareholders etc.  My duty of care has been rewarded with a metaphorical kick in the teeth and so a rest is not unduly won I'd say. 

Now That's Sad

 Sir Chris Hoy, Gold Olympian and who appears to me to be just a thoroughly nice human being says he has terminal cancer diagnosis.   To top that, his wife has just been diagnosed with MS.  They found a secondary cancer tumour in his shoulder some time ago which was traced to prostate cancer.  How awful.

When I heard that and I also saw someone talking last night about their cancer treatments I got quite a strong flashback to my Immunotherapy sessions.  It was a shock to feel the pain (yes) and the body shakes and then recollect the side effects of passing out stuff from my body.  Suddenly I felt the sadness of it and I feel tears trying to escape as I type this because it was something I went through and it was necessary to fight the cancer I had.  It was a lot worse than I let on to anyone because you protect them as much as you are trying to protect yourself (if that even makes sense?).  But I was aware of something a lot more that that.  I was really sad because my Ex nursed me through all of it and I felt bad about that.  She really did look after me, drove me to and from the appointments (there was probably no way I could have driven back).  Looked after me, fed me, brought water, made sure I did what I had to do (timings, changing position to let the stuff I was infused with get to all parts of my Bladder.  She brought food up to me when I was lying and recovering in bed and on top of that she looked after the girls and the house and all that whilst I was pretty much incapacitated for at least two days a week.  After six days I'd go and get it done all over again and believe me, this stuff is cumulative.  If you felt bad at week one, by week six you'd had about as much as you could take. 

And I feel a sh1t that I broke up with her.  I feel sad and bad and upset and annoyed, regretful, a bit of a bastard that after all that, things changed so much that I wanted out.

It's strange I suppose.  We didn't row or fight or be massively angry with each other and she was very tolerant of me I think.  Things just fell apart towards the end despite some effort on both of our parts.

Today I really feel bad about it.  The balance will be that it was probably better to walk away than to stay where I was slipping in and out of depression. 

I suppose it is better to be regretful than hateful?  I don't know, today feels like a bad day, reflecting on the news and then remembering stuff that I try not to think about.  Blimey it was tough but the upside is that I am still here.  The treatment worked, perhaps a few too many scopes and operations that weren't needed but you never know do you?

So, What Happened To The School Bully / Bullies?

 I just saw a clip on YouTube where the Labour party was described as those annoying kids at school always interrupting and I thought about those kids that were bullies as they too were one of the hates at school weren't they?  So the late 60s and early 70s were my school years - senior school that is and I was one of the bullied, as I suppose a number of us were.

 I like to remember that we did actually do something about it when we were able and the main thing was to get the school bully alone in a dark alley and belt the crap out of him.  You just had to disguise yourself and use gang tactics.  Some learned their lessons, some not.  We had two Judo champs at school - no one knew as they'd just joined but the bullies got their comeuppance when they rounded on them and as I recall there were some hospitalised wounded.

When I left school I didn't have much to do with them but one guy decided to try it on and be a smart arse.  As a trainee electrician I was a lot fitter than he may have remembered me and frankly he was no match and went down like a sack of spuds.  I was pretty fit if I say so myself.  I wouldn't mind being as slim and well built as I was back then.

Then I got to thinking and you hear things and when meeting up with old chums and chatting you also hear of the fate of these.  Most as far as I can tell are dead.  A few had particularly sticky ends, one died in a road crash and another got something horrible and died in his 20s.  As far as I can remember there isn't one of them left now.  I wonder if they were rotten inside and karma just sorted them out from the gene pool?   You'd like to think so after all they made hundreds of lives miserable and they weren't really good for anything.

I imagine you might think me very harsh to say this and suggest that it is cruel but when you've been on the receiving end of this thuggery, threats and bullying it's good to hear that they eventually received their own medicine many times over!  

So, What To Do About It?

 Blimey, that p1ssed me off.  So now, what do I do about it?  I am fuming a bit but actually when I analyse things I'm in the pound seats here.  You see I am the sole Director in charge, there are no staff and just the shareholders to be accountable to.  Now, given that the other chap has diluted his shares, that makes me the majority shareholder.  The other shareholders prior to this all had some connection to bringing the invention about.  The new shareholder has no connection whatsoever all I believe they know a lot about the business as a confident.

I have signed on behalf of the business all the contracts and I have copies of these. I own the domain names, email system, website and so on.  So, I think I just "go dark" the affect of that is that the chap giving me a hard time will not be able to reach me or find out what is going on.  Whilst stuff is happening outside (contracted work) he can't see it nor has he access to it unless I grant it.  He has no Internet or any other way of getting access to the company business and I can see his number on my phones so I don't need to answer just as the way he hasn't answered me.  Now this seems petty but in fact, I'm just going to step back and let things happen at their own speed and see whether sense will prevail?

It's not the first time he's thrown his toys out of the pram either so I should have expected it.  The trouble is that whilst he is an intelligent sort of chap he isn't business savvy nor is he very good at contractual and financial things - hence he's gotten hold of the wrong end of the stick entirely and after being shown and talked through the utter bollox he's talking he's now playing silly buggers too!

I need a rest from it anyway, I've been working nose to the grindstone for months now getting the launch setup which can now just change to a soft launch rather than a fanfare as I had planned.  Such a shame but it will just have to be at the speed it goes without me pushing it.  

Royally P1ssed Off

 I know I shouldn't be but people are just well, stupid, dumb f***wits, ignorant etc.....

Let's take my online butcher.  I've had very few occasions to complain.  However when I do it is like pulling teeth.  Contact us on Facebook - I've done that and never had an answer back.  Use our Chat system online yep did that still nothing.  Use our chat on our App yes done that no response.  Email us, yes on both emails no response.  The only way you get hold of anyone is to phone them and maybe you'll get through.  Pathetic. Eventually I ring and get told my delivery would be delivered tomorrow - three days late.  No it doesn't arrive so I call again asking where it might be?  Oh yes sorry we had to deliver to restaurants - well matey it's three days late.  I eventually get the delivery only to find that some of it is missing so you've guessed it, you are meant to contact them as above. 

Well, I am cancelling my Christmas Order with them as I can't trust them and I'll happily tell them as I like writing reviews.  I'll go back to my other butcher!

So then my business partner accuses me of taking money from the business.  OK he's misunderstood what I said to him so I explain that our Agent who sells our stuff takes the money not me.  

I then get a letter where he's disposing of some of his shares to someone who has no input to the business, no skin in the game, in fact totally unrelated whereas everyone else has been "rewarded" well if we ever make any money as we haven't launched yet.   So he's giving 10% away and diluting his shares by 25%.  I've tried to call him as this erodes his shareholding sufficiently and to the point that I am now the majority shareholder but, for some reason he will not take my calls!  I need to make him aware of this as a duty of care.  So I've drawn up the shareholder stuff and posted it off so he can give a 10% interest in the business to his acquaintance but of course I am not really sure if he appreciates what he's done.  He's free to do whatever he likes with his shares of course, it's just he's gone from principal shareholder now.

Blow me down if I don't get another letter from this chap saying that I am taking him for a fool and not to do that?  I'm flabbergasted as I run the business and he really has no idea about it other than he is the inventor and designer.  He hasn't a clue about company law, accounting, insurance and agency agreements etc.  So here I am sitting writing this and wondering who really is the fool?

He's p1ssed me off and so where I've been working for sweat equity, I'm thinking why bother?  He's accused me of something that I've demonstrated is wholly incorrect (in fact there's no way I could do what he's suggesting) and he's given away his control of the business (in so far as a shareholder can - he's not a Director or an Officer) by diluting his shares.  

He's fulfilling the prediction I made maybe 8 years ago about the "self fulfilling prophecy" - another start up I was with had guys who had been burnt before and so they were forever telling us about this experience and how it had left them bitter.  You could tell there was something wrong and two of us were ringing alarm bells about these gusy but the rest of the company wouldn't listen.   They eventually just exploded and threw their toys out of the pram citing this problem they'd had in the past - it had nothing to do with our piece of business but they self immolated and left the business having not done anything except talked themselves into yet another failure.

So that's what's happening here, he's sat down and taken the business briefing I gave him as that of making him appear a fool.  I know I didn't do that but he's sat at home and brewing away with no one to check him and now he's blaming me for making him appear a fool?  

So be it, I need to decide where to take it.  As he's not answering my calls, there's not a lot I can do.  I've followed his instructions to transfer his shares, I've done due diligence on who they are going to and as I've been unable to discuss it, the transfer is now complete.  I wonder when he will wake up and realise how he has given away his interest in the business?  I wonder if he realises who the sole director of the business is and his position now he has less shares than I do?  

It's so silly, it's childish stuff really and the problem is that people don't "get" business, they don't understand what a limited company is and why it is there and they do not understand that I'm governed by company law etc.,  If he paid the very basics of attention when I showed him the books and if he could do a bit of mental arithmetic he'd realise that there is insufficient funds in the business to pay me anyway!  

So these two have p1ssed me right off in the last few days.  One will lose my business, the other has lost his business (or a great deal of it) and he's probably lost his business partner and director.  If he has to employ someone else to do my job it will come as a massive financial blow to him.  As for me. I'm actually happy to walk away, I really don't need the hassle of running a business at my age particularly with people who think I might be on the take or indeed doing anything other than working my butt of to make him (and the rest of us) richer.

It reminds me of another start up where the rewards were huge, lottery style money but the boos who was an oaf (some village somewhere was missing an idiot big time) was a greedy person and not a leader at all.  No one realised that to make lots and lots of money you actually had to work for it.  Another one who couldn't work out how to run a business and yet another company I had to resign from as they weren't trading properly.  

Weight and Booze

 I haven't had a drink of alcohol for 2 months if not 3 - I stopped in July and only had a few when we were away in August on a mini break.  I've only been drinking zero beer when we go out and we haven't been out that much.  I've been following (as far as is possible) a keto / carnivore diet although perhaps that's not the right word for it but nevertheless I am limiting carbs to a very low amount if I can.

So, beer, I miss it, there's no doubt about that.  Food - well I don't mind just eating meat and I've been doing the intermittent fasting for at least 3 days a week which is not eating for 16 hours and only eating in an 8 hour period.  So for me that's missing breakfast and then having a late lunch and dinner in the evening.  I've noticed that it has had a dramatic effect and in the last two weeks I can feel the weight has come off quite substantially.  I need to keep this up and see how much I can lose  My trousers and tee shirts now fit loosely so that's a good sign.

Anyway, it's good, I feel fine and it's easy enough to follow and if there's one day where I might grab a sandwich rather than just the filling I'm not going to worry too much about it as it's only one day.  

I'm going to have some drinks at Christmas time but other than that I am going to try and maintain zero until then.  

Reflecting Past Loves And Lives

 I find that my mind is going through a very nostalgic activity at the moment.  I've reflected on perhaps the greatest love of my life and it's still something that I'd give anything to be able to change but of course, that cannot really happen.  The past is, of course, the past and if it was to have been it would have.  

Then I was reflecting on some of my school and early adulthood girlfriends and how that all worked out.  It's funny when you look back with experienced eyes how the relationships came and went and some of the nicest were with platonic girl friends who were just mates which was great although on two occasions that nearly changed.  I hadn't really guessed about the second one as it is only now when I look back that I realise that there was something going on there and I just hadn't realised.  

It's interesting to reflect on these relationships with that historical "what I know now" view and realise that things could have turned out quite differently and then I probably wouldn't be where I am now, I'd have not had my lovely children and so on.

I wonder what would have happened though, they were all very sweet in their own way but one was really fiery.  Gosh she was amazingly outgoing and extrovert, headstrong and I'm sure we would have clashed all the time but making up would have been nice :-)  Another relationship doomed by circumstances beyond our control.  

Oh well, it's all part of life I suppose.   It's nice to look back and remember with fond memories though and in some ways wish I had this head on my young shoulders.  

Preserve Us From Career Politicians

 This lot are a joke.  Saves us from these people who just don't appear to have any idea that making policy in one area affects another or many other areas.

The crass statements that are coming out of their mouths just upsets the public and investors alike.

You've an energy secretary who thinks that stopping our own production of fuels and importing them makes sense. One who thinks injecting people who don't work and are over weight will miraculously improve getting the (lazy)  unemployed back to work.  Difficult when other policies in employment law make it less than encouraging to employ anyone at all as it costs too much.  One who wants to spaff £200 BN in slave reparations even though we as a country ended slavery at a massive financial cost (read your history).

I see that the investment that was to be lost has miraculously been rescued - ministers calling people (businesses) out and names will end up costing investment and jobs.  Huge tax rises leaked to the press, taking away winter fuel allowances, disrupting kids education with a 20% VAT raid on fees all are the actions of those who have some ideological ideas but NO CLUE what they are doing.  There are law of unintended consequences coming because, frankly, they don't act as a team, they don't do impact assessments and non of them has ever worked in the real world, as a business person or even holding a responsible job in commercial areas.  They've come through a system of education, Uni, then some political type lobbying job until a seat is chosen for them.

It is like being run by children.  They'll be arguing soon about who's got the crayons and why they didn't do their homework whilst playing their music too loud and not washing for a week, leaving the lights on and their dirty clothes in a messy pile somewhere in their bedrooms.

Never interrupt an enemy when they are making a mistake Sun Tzu or Bonaparte said it I think.  Or just watching them crash and burn.  There's no charismatic minister I can see, no leadership, no direction or strategy to follow, it's a woefully under skilled under IQ bunch of mediocre politicians to be generous in their skill level.  A Train Wreck in slow motion and we can see it, even bits of the MSM can see it but we are all watching as the wheels come off, the party tears itself into its various factions and even their paymasters can see it too.  Some of the stuff coming down the track is worrying but perhaps its best to let it happen and let everything crash and burn?  Perhaps this failure will finally wake them and us up?

One of my favourite guiding lights was Sir John Harvey Jones (Chairman of ICI) who said:

Planning is an unnatural process; it is much more fun to do something. And the nicest thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression.

You can only imagine their faces when it all starts to tumble around them and they lurch from one crisis to another, fixing one thing only to be presented with another problem arisen from fixing the last thing.  That's exactly why you need leadership, discipline, risk analysis and mitigation plans and a plan in the first place might be a useful thing.

Yes, I think the time has come to just watch them screw up and enjoy it despite the fact they are ruining my country and our economy!  Pratts!!! 

Amateur Hour

The one thing you can pretty much guarantee when you get unqualified politicians (i.e. those who have never had a job and come through the system) is that sooner rather than later, their inexperience shines through.

It's been all of one hundred days since we got this Labour party in charge (even though they hardly got enough votes to do that) and they've already p1ssed off 10,000,000 pensioners by withdrawing their winter fuel allowance and I can tell you it's bloody freezing here today.  So around 15% of the population already pretty much hate them.  

Today's fiasco is cracking I have to say.  Not content with now closing down the last coal fired power station, then the loss of jobs at Tata Steel in Wales and Oil Jobs next year in Grangemouth their latest foot shooting moment has just arrived.  Now the way P&O dealt with some job loses a few years back wasn't great but the Transport Minister and the Deputy PM recently waded in and let's say they weren't particularly complimentary about the P&O people.  The parent company who were about to make a £1 BN investment in the London Gateway docks just pulled their investment on the basis of those comments.  Oopps.  When you've got a big investment summit coming up starting Monday that's a little naive shall we say.

I also heard that foreign investors are reviewing pulling out of owning UK businesses based on rumours of what Rachel Reeves (Chancellor) is about to do to CGT and other taxes.

The firm I used to see a lot of was a Demolition Company,  Syd Bishop & Sons (Demolition) Ltd.,  and it reminded me of their famous slogan 'Watch it Come Down'.   Well, it's interesting to "watch it come down" as these amateurs try and deal with home economics and their reputation on the world stage ought to be one of ridicule as we already know that some bandy words around about other world leaders and support the wrong side, have little or no idea about geography or local politics in far away lands and just make themselves appear ridiculous.

I see some of my lefties loving friends still stick to their old ways but are wondering why this Government aren't doing what they "promised to".  Well they didn't actually promise anything so they've delivered in spades on that.  I like that the important thing to one of the people I know is the plight of the Just Stop Oil protesters who are in jail.  Now they are there for massive disruption to the public, closing down an arterial road and many missed holidays, appointments (including Cancer treatments) and so on.  Some people died as an indirect or direct result.  If not them then those that threw paint and soup or priceless works of art.  Obviously that Van Gogh geezer was bad for the planet was he?  These aren't as he would say, just going about honestly expressing their right of opinion or their right to protest.  It's way beyond that and they have been punished accordingly.  I think they should also pay everyone's lost appointments, expenses, wasted fuel and so on.  Large businesses should take them to task - these "protesters" cause thousands of pounds of damage as they are actually vandals - they should pay for what they break not the insurance companies or the businesses.

So onward, these are the sort of people who think that this government will actually do stuff that's a Utopian dream and always will be.  These "saints" are as bad as the previous incumbents and take a bribe and are as stupid as you'd probably guess they would be.  Incompetence would be their prime skill I'd suggest.  There are no statesmen or stateswomen figures anymore.  To borrow Black Adder's words "I wouldn't trust any of them to sit the right way up on a toilet!"  

In the past you may dislike some politicians but they were people you could listen to and agree or disagree with.  I was never a great fan of Tony Benn but he was a good orator and some thing he said resonated with me.  You knew what you were getting and you understood his politics and dare I say his conviction to his cause(s).  One short speech he did that always struck me was his five questions and they are:

“What power have you got? Where did you get it from? In whose interests do you exercise it? To whom are you accountable? And how can we get rid of you?”

It is a shame we no longer have politicians of integrity or indeed, of any great IQ.  They spout their learned phrases and social media chants not knowing what they mean or who they affects and now, they are getting their comeuppance.  I just love to see how they blink in the lights at their latest gaff and have no idea how they screwed up so royally.  Silly buggers the lot of them.  

Fault Lines In My Brain

 I have a strange way of thinking and using my brain power, quite different to many people I think.  The INTJ mind is analytic and also it doesn't exactly do empathy or such.  Despite my best efforts there is something very strange going on these days which is "interesting" to me but not at all productive or I suppose neither is it destructive (at the moment).

Here goes, Let me see if I can give you an example.  Many years ago before I knew my ex that well, I had a number of girlfriends and knew quite a few socially, platonically I suppose you'd say but of course there were sparks and things in there - there has to be I suppose.  INTJs are notoriously bad at picking up the signs, absolutely dreadful would be my assessment.  I wouldn't know if a girl was coming onto me unless she grabbed me and gave me a ful smacker kiss or some other blatantly obvious sign.

So having set the scene, my mind wandered the other day back to an embarrassing (now) scene where I spoke to one girl about going on holiday and she wasn't keen and so I took another where upon said first girl turns up out of the blue.  Now I've only just realised what that probably meant and it's dawned on me, especially since I saw a few photographs with the both of us in that perhaps I didn't pick up on the messages at all and the photos also seem to reflect that.  She was a lovely girl too, dark black hair and beautiful eyes.  So now, it suddenly all becomes clearer than it was back then why she was put out and also that things could have been different for the other girl was my ex and we were married 32 years and had two wonderful daughters.

So, the past is the past and I kind of live by that but this has bothered my subconscious especially as a friend mentioned the young lady to me a few months back and we both mentioned how much we "liked" her.  Truth being that it's like the Bear's Den song, Evelyn - a personal favourite:

"Evelyn, our relationship was strictly platonic

If platonic means I was madly in love with you

And a part of you was oblivious

Another part of you knew and kind of liked it"

It got me to thinking and of course, it's love's old story again.  There's a couple of times that I was reminded of how things might have worked out differently.  Perhaps that parallel universe I am so often wishing for might come into play for thinking about it now, I wonder how my life would have played out with her rather than my ex?  I imagine that life would have played out quite differently.  Then I realised that I really did fancy this girl a lot but I enjoyed all the company of the girls we hung around with.  One, who I fancied a lot has been in touch recently from NZ where she's moved to recently and we used to just be drinking buddies and had a really great time.  I wonder if she realised?  Probably although you know what, much as I liked her and some of the other girls and spent time with them - I was far too shy to take things any further.  I suppose they enjoyed my company because I didn't flirt with them and just treated them as I might do any other friend.

I have no idea why my brain is wired like this and what it is trying to achieve, working its way through a scenario that didn't exist but I suppose that is why? It's computing the various outcomes and of course, it's fantasizing about something that never was and in this version of the universe can never be.