Cancer and Mental Health

 You may find this podcast interesting or read this  transcript.

If you read the early stuff I did you'd know that it isn't easy to describe it but you go low and down and whilst it isn't mental health in the way we'd know it in a clinical sense it is real and difficult to deal with.  I mainly dealt with it on my own but I know I affected those around me whether knowingly or just by the way I was.

I still have highs and lows and I still get the odd flash back because it is this time of year, when I discovered the problem, saw my doctor with varied reactions as he was not a bedside manner guy and then met the lady who diagnosed me, got me into Hospital quickly and did the Operations and all the treatments etc.

There's things like waiting, worrying, letting your mind (I am particularly bad at this) per mutating all possible outcomes and then much to my personal shame, there's the fallout of divorce and quite a lot of wasted time and energy when I should be doing good stuff and celebrating.

Anyway, if you are having a bit of a rough time of it, have a listen - you are very much, not alone.

What Is Going On?

 What is wrong with people with their trivial problems that they need to project onto you.  They make huge mistakes in their own lives and it's your fault!?  WTF.  Since when is this acceptable behaviour and since when is this my fault?

Then, there's the list of demands on what you should and shouldn't be doing.  Frankly, if they act this way they should up sticks and go move to North Korea or somewhere that would appreciate them.  It's getting annoying in the extreme now and it's the new norm. 

Their logic even goes so far as asking you to do something about their problem, get them out of the fix they've got themselves into. Irony is lost on them and they do not seem to actually understand that they are the ones being unrealistic and weird.

Suppose they'll have to learn the hard way.  

Monday Night

 Friends from Australia on a stop over suggested an evening meal.  It wasn't too far for us to go and the traffic was so light that we were able to do he journey 10 minutes quicker than normal.  The Hotel / Pub was nice, I haven't been there for 40 years or more so I don't remember it at all - apart from its facade.

Food was good and plentiful and the company was excellent.  Like the UK, Australia is turning very sadly away from being the world of Crocodile Dundee and I imagine that the way both our Governments are behaving with their cult like Net Zero and here too our NHS worship that a collapse is on the cards.  In both cases the (I can't bring myself to call them politicians) creeps and dunces in charge know how to get us out of this, they'll tax our way out of debt!  National Debt Clock is an interesting and disturbing watch.

Here, companies are leaving, those choosing an IPO are going elsewhere and you can see why.  The price hit of the combined raising of minimum wage, national insurance and the change in when that kicks in put a huge problem for small business.  New labour laws will do the same.  It isn't sustainable without growth and no one is growing apart from more public sector and they don't produce anything, they don't keep the populace healthy so they can go to work (quite the opposite).  You have to wonder whether this is all by design?

Oh well, it was nice to see our friends even though this year on a fleeting visit.  They've held off plans for moving or buying a second house over here based on their view of the UK.  Interesting times ahead and choppy waters too. 

Twenty Years On

The 7th July 2005 and I was in the vicinity of Aldwych, London.  I'd gone up for an interview and was on a carriage of kids who were all due to go to Baker Street and I imagine Madame Tussaud's and the Planetarium.  They were advised to catch the train back as there was a power outage and a fire and I think they duly caught the train back.  I wandered up the road to the interview.  There was a BAR F1 Car in the window of an office block - the sort Jenson Button drove as I recall (perhaps wrongly).

It was an early interview and I immediately realised that the two guys that were interviewing me were way out of the depth.  By that I mean that they hadn't prepared, hadn't read my CV and had no real grasp of the job that they were asking me to do.  It was like sending the cleaner to hire a Brain Surgeon.   The interview didn't last long as they couldn't answer my questions and the little creep was also sneering and I could see had no idea of what I was talking about.  He also didn't like the questions I was asking them about what their roles were to be if they hiring the overall Programme Director, what part in the Programme were they taking and would I be reporting to them.

Once you realise that there isn't a hope in hell, then go on the attack and make them work hard to close down the interview etc.  They said that there had been an incident on the underground and just up the road and so I thought, as it was relatively early I'd go back to Charing Cross and just go home.  The sound of sirens was all around and when I got to the station the dooors were locked and a Policeman was guarding it.  I asked what was going on and I think he said security incident, that Charing Cross was closed but Waterloo was open so I walked across the bridge to Waterloo and then found that whilst Waterloo was open (that's the East station) they were actually running trains out of London Bridge - the next station on and using Waterloo East to turn the trains like they'd do at Charing Cross normally.  So I walked on but the other side of the station saw the largest numbers of Fire Engines, Police Cars and Ambulances all lined up.

The mobile phone network had been turned off and so I didn't get the frantic calls from my mother, brother and wife.  I could not call out either.  I walked in the mizzle towards London Bridge and as I arrived there, a train came in and I was able to head home on a reasonably empty train.  The phone eventually rung as I got nearer my destination and it was my brother and so I briefly explained where I was and that I was on the way home and got him to ring my mum and my wife so they knew I was OK and making my way home.

I came out of the station into the local pub and grabbed a beer and they had the TV on so I was able to finally see and hear what had gone on.  Not for the first time I had been in London during a multiple bombing.  I drank a second beer and wandered home and watched the horror unfold. 

 It was a horrific attack and the Bus in Tavistock Square was the nearest to where I was - still around a mile away I'd guess - possibly a little less. A sad day, the dead, injured, those affected and the emergency services all caught up in the events.  

If At First You Don't Succeed.....

Then Sky Diving is not for you as the joke goes.  

I find myself doubting what I know intuitively to be right.  It creeps in and I find myself doing my heavy analysis bit to check, recheck, invert, recheck, send it into another dimension, recheck and recheck again.  

I know that these comments and requests aren't all that they appear to be.  That's at the heart of the matter, it's a three dimensional game of chess in many ways or perhaps cards.  I dropped the trump card last time and that has done a lot to temper this second letter but now I re read this for the nth time I see things that can only be there for the wrong reasons.  

Regime change is an interesting thing and it requires a certain amount of knowledge which he doesn't possess.  It always looked as if he was being manipulated and this second letter proves it.  The first one pretty much pointed to it as well.  What is interesting is that the wording has changed and the attack point but it still doesn't add up.

It's taken me a while to just work out what I need to do on this.  In reality, that is nothing but a change in ploy is now required that allows me to deal with this over months not days.  They've take their time to respond and so I shall take a similar time. I might acknowledge the letter though even them, maybe not.  What's the point?

It's all messy as you like and not of my making.  It's just annoying and takes up too much of my time when the outcome is likely to be the same as the last time. The John Cleese phrase in Fawlty Towers "You started it, you invaded Poland!" flashes through my mind to pull me back to the reality of the situation.  This is now the third attack and whilst the first was shocking, the second really was devastating both business and personally.  This third one strips down to a few key elements and the traps are baited, because answering them leads to another form of action opening the door to prolong things.

You know it is a trap when you look behind what these questions actually mean.  Using probing questions to provide information that they are not entitled to is also an alarm bell.  Trying to establish figures to enter into their spreadsheets can wait.  

Oh well, I know what I can do now as their precedent is set in terms of timing and their strategy / game plan is becoming clearer through the obfuscation of the first letter and the probing nature of the second.  As luck would have it, I don't actually need to answer any of it as it concerns no one but me.  

Disappointing Isn't It?

 I'm pretty fed up at the moment with this chap still writing through a solicitor.  It's a typical thing when someone's made a big mistake that they cannot let it go.  I can see his point but as I used to say to people, "I'd like to see your point of view but I can't get my head that far up your arse!"

It's now making me a little depressed as rather than just walking away, they are firing off stuff at me that isn't really important at all and just causes me stress and isn't necessary but more than that, I now see that some of this is from another hand another person as he isn't the sort to think or act like this of his own volition because it is a series of little traps and frankly, stuff that shouldn't even matter unless there was something else behind it.

So I am coming to the conclusion that there needs to be a new line drawn in this and it will be to turn this around and go into offence not defence from now on.  I need to go back to my Sun Tzu Art Of War thinking and act quite differently to the reactive way I have had to so far.  I need to start treating this on my terms not on his.  He has nothing to give so he'll need to try harder.

It's just so annoying that people act like this but I suppose he's got nothing else to think about and needs to go through these dying actions.  I think that the worst part, for him, is that he's lost some real friends and allies but has probably gained some Worm Tongue or Tongues who are making him do their bidding.  I cannot help him anymore, all he did was betray my trust and became disloyal, back stabbing and undervalued the work I had done on his behalf.  Now hiding, he snipes back as if he is in the higher moral position, in the right and on the moral high ground.

Dear reader, he 'should' know me well enough to realise that it's not going to be tolerated for much longer given the brutal attack originally instigated.  This second approach is disguised on a bit more conciliatory but hides its true intent between the lines.  It's an old trick - he forgets, despit me having told him many times in the past, that I used to this stuff for a living.

Yay, It's Another Circuit Around The Sun!

 Yes, It;s my birthday and having been quite depressed for a while, this morning I have cheered up a little bit.  

I have to say getting another solicitor's letter was just so annoying and distressing but of course, having read it, there's not a lot that I can do about it anyway - just "buyer's remorse" I put it down to.  Actions have consequences and so these are the consequences and they're not my actions despite them trying to project them on to me.  

I will spend the day just relaxing and hopefully be fully chilled out about it all later. Nineteen years though since the presentation of my Bladder Cancer.  A lot has happened and I'm glad that I am still here and able to live my life.  Many are not that fortunate unfortunately and some of the people I knew back then are no longer with us, I count myself lucky that I am not one of them.  

Here We Go Again

 Another Solicitor's letter FFS.  Not so bad this time but still a thundering nuisance nonetheless.  I could do without it but have to deal with it I suppose.  For someone who wants nothing to do  with me, it's almost the opposite.

Oh well, just another thing to deal with that I don't need at this time.  Amazon excelled themselves yesterday too.  I ordered something to expressly arrive today as I was out.  Apparently it was handed to the resident or in my case on the doorstep!  It was a high value item too but luckily it was there when we returned last night.  Talking of which two strange drivers - one who was overtaking everything on suburbans roads and the other displaying no lights and driving a little erratically - the sort you drop back from and they had been harassed by the car mentioned previously but there was something wrong with the way they were driving and as we went past some temporary traffic lights they managed to drive both nearside tyres at some speed over a raised curb island.  It did make a bang and as I suspected both tyres blew a few yards further down so they had to pull over.

It was late and twilight and they were over to the curve so I passed and drove on - "aren't you going to stop?"  And the answer was "No" - twenty or thirty years ago perhaps but you just don't know who is in the vehicle and they weren't driving it properly so could be drug or drunk I don't know but the last thing is to go and help out.  Hopefully they have breakdown insurance and I imagine they'd need new wheels too the impact was that heavy.  I'm not a young fit man anymore and you just never know who these people are.  

Nineteen Years

 Always, at this time of year I get a bit cranky.  It is 19 years today since I found blood in my urine and so that is one of those reasons. My father died on the 3rd July and it is my birthday on the 4th.  There are other things associated with these 3 or 4 days too so unsurprisingly I get a bit down.  

I feel particularly rubbish this morning as I stupidly had a few beers last night and that hasn't helped me one bit.  I must learn to just not go to the beers when I am feeling low!  It only makes matters worse.  I know this, I'm old enough to know better too! 

Nostalgia And All That Jazz

 Writing my biography is an interesting exercise but it is actually throwing up what I obliterated some years ago.  I was prone to reviewing and playing over in my head all the scenarios of things that had happened and was very bad at this constant analysis and reanalysis of situations that had happened because my mind does that, it's a whirr of computational what ifs and I always felt that was why I did what I did as a living.

I one day realised that all this stuff in my head whizzing around being worked on in multiple layers in a parallel type computational way was actually getting me nowhere, no where at all and that really was a problem and somewhere in the blog is the moment I lay down in bed and set fire to my memories and stopped dwelling and what-ifing.  My mind was then free of all that stuff.

Writing my biography has actually brought back some of that (not all I hasten to add) but some key moments in my life.  Well what I felt were key or pivotal.  Maybe not at the time.  These junctions in the road are interesting in an academic sort of way as you can do the "What If?" test on them but I found myself doing that this morning and I must stop it.  In my head are perhaps 8 to 10 moments in my life where I could have done something but didn't, I opted for what I knew, the place of safety and certainty and there's the regret.  I very rarely make a move or decision that I haven't thought through, I rarely do things on the spur of the moment and that is what I can feel being a regret.

Interestingly these are all relationship things.  I could have made a different decision and who knows what would have happened?  Your head and heart now say that something incredible would have happened, something with a romantic and rose tinted view of the world and yet if I really, really thought about it, I'd tend to doubt so.  With the romantic, idealised view there, of course things could have turned out differently and have been all Disney and perfect.  But you and I know that isn't true.  My analytical mind also realises this but that little ego voice likes to thinks that it would have worked out fine, Much better.  

I suppose it is alright to dream a little and in two cases I can conjure up a life that would be massively different from right now.  The fantasy plays out in my head and that's where it will stay but not for long.  Now's the time, after it is written down to get rid of it.  These are not in my biography but written down in another document that could be inserted into it.  I don't think that they should be in there.  I think some could be as it was part of my life and my journey.  

Aimless Wanderings Of My Mind

What a strange year it has been so far. I really feel a little lost and not sure what I am doing or going to do with myself.  It is not as if I have not got things to do of course but they aren't uppermost in my mind and procrastination seems to halt my need to do things on that list. 

I'm writing my biography for my family history files and I think it is that recording of things past which makes me reflective.  I really shouldn't do "what if?" but I think that you cannot always stop that as you pour out your memories you are bound to get the twang of missed opportunities, lost loves, opportunities that didn't come to fruition and just the amazement that things didn't go in another direction when you analyse what happened to you.  It didn't make the biography but on three or more occasions there were some interesting things that happened that could have panned out differently and on each I dodged advances that I am sure would have led to amatory endings.  I am glad that as I write down these experiences that I did the right thing but you are always left wondering whet might have been?

But is it just that I wonder?  It feels more than that.  A general reset perhaps.  Being retired (or should be) is actually a strange phenomenon to me as I've always been doing things and I suppose I still am a bit but there's that guilt feeling of getting up and saying or wanting to do something and achieving nothing.  Maybe that's what it is like because you don't need to achieve anything?  Perhaps there are other things to be done?  

The business has dragged on for 8 years now and I am getting pretty much annoyed that it hasn't been sorted out yet.  It has certainly exercised my mind recently with the chap leaving and then threatening me for his own actions!  That took it out of me too.  Who threatens legal action over their own mistake?  Then there's the ongoing testing nightmare = it has taken 9 months longer - again to get here.  Considering I had a working version of this in my hands 7 years ago it's been unacceptable but we are where we are.

There's other stuff going on in my head, I think mortality is one of these.  Another friend died yesterday after a long illness and he had gradually gone downhill over the last 2 years or so.  I am trying in some way to get things in order and history is written by the victors comes to mind in writing my biography which is around 60,000 words which is impressive and we are only getting to the middle bit which I left.  That too probably fills me with regret because I look back on the times we had, character building, fun, hard work, triumphs and disasters and realise that I really didn't want that to end the way it did and we go our separate ways.  I feel bad now, worse than I did then which is pretty interesting to note about leaving.  I was the instigator and whilst there were triggers, it had built up over time and I suppose yo wonder whether giving it one more chance (and there had been a number of these) would have really sorted it out?

There's guilt that my ex looked after me through the darkest period of my life with Bladder Cancer and she took me to and from the Hospital and I am grateful to her for nursing me through and looked after me during the dark dark days of treatment which were, I can tell you, or you can read the 2006 and a few years after, unpleasant and challenging.  And yet, I went through all of that and wanted to live to see my children grow up, get married, have children of their own (if they so wanted) and so that has come to pass but what is missing now I don't really know?

Last night I sat outside, gosh it was hot day 30C I would say but the evening was cooler and I grabbed a few glasses of wine and then I felt bad about that!  Sometimes I question why my mind does that. It is quite acceptable to sit out in the garden, a little music playing and drinking a few glasses of wine.  Perhaps I am worried about drinking again, that it is a habit that I should give up?  I don't know.  Maybe today I'll work out what this is all about.  What I do recognize is that when I feel like this often big things happen in my life.  Unfortunately they are things like major job changes or direction changes, illness or separation - I really don't want any of them but that's what worries me when I "go like this" it often means that my mind knows the answer but isn't sharing it with me yet.  

Not Watching TV So Much

 I can only imagine the backlash that's coming for the BBC after Glastonbury this year.  I haven't watched any of it.  In fact it's probably been 10 years or more since I just got fed up with it being a Party Political wankfest and not about the music.  I'm sure the fringe stuff is OK, there's bands we know appearing and let's hope it does their careers, such as a musician can have one, some good but there's something rotten at the core of all of this.  

It was always the case that people who couldn't hold down a real job but managed to make it big in the music or acting world then grew so "popular" that they felt we needed to know their opinions on things and be told which way to vote (that's backfired spectacularly this time with Labour coming to power - the mess made has meant the 'luvvies' have found one of their many reverse gears and accelerated out of the spotlight.  

I think I called this out in 2020 when people were doing their virtue signalling clap for the NHS or turning their profile picture blank for BLM and so on.  The band wagon rolls on and on and there always seems to be the gullible who join in thinking that it matter or that anyone gives a sh1t.  What happens is that we see you for who you are and you are exposed for who you are.  The irony is lost on people who are at a festival condoning people who murdered young people, like themselves, at a festival?  No?  Maybe it's just me that thinks that.  But I didn't watch it because I knew what it would be like.  Of course the BBC and their viewers are "shocked" )switched into sarcasm mode for that).  Really?!!  Really?!! If they had an inkling, all they need do is record it and take out the political bits but it's the BBC and it's actually what they think too despite their hands up protestations and it is all wearing very thin indeed, this tissue thin veil of impartiality has been destroyed over and over and they just ought to call themselves the Socialist Broadcasting Corporation or the Guardian or the Morning Star, something like that.

I have avoided the TV for months now and only come into the living room to watch the odd thing.  Clarkson's Farm for example and Formula One but I tend to play that on my iPad in another room.  I'll pick out some YouTube commentators and dip in and out of some online podcasts but that's it now.  Of course, it is all coming out now that pressure was put on popular programmes to promote vaccination - so if they did that, what else are they pushing? 

I am trying to keep away from the TV, cut my intake of alcohol too, which is doing OK.  I am losing weight but I need to check that my diet is doing that and I'm not ill which I know sounds strange.  I'm losing weight and I am pleased about that and I am consciously eating to lose weight but now that it has accelerated and is quite noticeable.  I suppose it should be as I've been eating like this for 3 or 4 months now and I think that the gradual weight loss is now more visible eight loss and my belt for example is in another notch and clothes are loose on me and yet, I cannot get into the clothes from 3 years ago?  Anyway, it's a "monitor it" and see.  I feel fine if not a little flat and I am noticing that my body and joints all feel good, my skin is also feeling good too so perhaps things are OK and it's just me worrying too much about it.

If I can keep this up for the summer I will be pleased but I need to keep off the Beer (liquid bread) and any carbohydrates too.  

Reflections - Recollections May Vary

 I am writing my biography covering quite a bit of my life and then I noticed that the middle bit was missing, meeting my wife (ex) having the children and all of that good stuff.  I worked on the beginning and the end and missed the middle entirely so I am working my way through that.

It's actually interesting (only I would say that) as it is of course quite personal and it is, even for me, an emotional roller coaster because now, writing and thinking about it, the errors and the wrong turns, the choices and the consequences are plain to see I think.  I don't suppose that hindsight, the exacting science that it is, might have changed any of it because, here we are and there can be no other outcome but it is interesting in a way to look back.

I wasn't expecting the strong emotions that are going with it, or perhaps I should have as I missed out this documenting the 30 to 40 years part.  It's quite interesting to look back though and when I saw that I'd written 50,500 words without the middle bit I was a bit surprised.

So the middle journey part is going to be unfolding over the next few weeks and it will be emotional as there are special moments in there and of course good and bad memories.  I re-read the eulogy I gave for my father at his funeral, now 13 years ago next month.  If I were to be half the man he was, I'd be pleased.  

If Not Now, When?

 Will enough people wake up in the next year or so? I do hope so and I do hope that they work out what is being done to us, the people, in our name.  Let's face it, these ideologues haven't got a scooby on how to do anything, they are joke domestically and goodness knows what the world makes of our "Leaders"?  Surely most people would think that a fair system should exist but these closet Malthusian, Fabian, Marxists can only have read books and never have existed in the real world.  We now have assisted suicide and infanticide nodded through and goodness knows what their next move will be.  Perhaps they'll take us back to Apocalypto or pre-Christian times and we can have blood sacrifice all over again?

They always have been spiteful and their treatment of children's education is surely a case in point that they want everyone to be dumb as f*** and slave to the state.  But here we are in Britain, being very British about it all at the moment.  I think we are possibly one of the most tolerant nations (sorry Canada) in the world and we allow things to go on, being polite, drinking our cups of tea and tutting about things but how far will this stretch?  How often can you poke the bear before it wakes up, slashes out with its claws and eats you in a few mouthfuls?  

Tax, the way these guys wield it is theft.  Taking more and more to spend on causes that no one agrees with, feeding a state that grows fatter with each devoured fiver.  No, it needs to stop and the "leaders" need to wake up blinking in bright sunlight to how truly hated they are and how totally out of touch too.  They have to use rent-a-crowd to do any TV these days or go to their blinkered strong lands but that cannot last for ever, they will have to face reality.  Their promises are collapsing around their ears and the Emperor's Clothes will be exposed for what they are.  There's only so much that people will take and I wonder at what point it will kick off.  It seems near but not imminent.

The doom and gloom of high prices and only just making ends meet surely must begin to brew up into some sort of action.  Perhaps by October when the figures really start to show the monumental downfall of a once great country and we begin to compare ourselves to Venezuela will it sink in that the politics of envy, spite and tax and spend will play out.  I live in hope.  In the meantime, let's hope that none of them can go to a Restaurant, A Pub or anywhere where they are recognised so that they wake up to how hated they are.

Attending A&E Last Night - Brings It All Back

 I dislike Hospitals quite a bit, I've never liked them and their smell, the haphazardness and herding cats feel to queuing and waiting - the waiting is the worst surely.

I had to take someone in last night and after 3 hours or more possibly more they finally got seen only as they were about to discharge themselves - having had a procedure, they were bleeding and needed to get checked.  Now it brought it all back as it will be 19 years next week since I found myself bleeding and commenced a long journey of Bladder Cancer and all the fall out from that, good, bad and indifferent.  We get there eventually but not how you thought and hey, I'm still here which is a good thing.

So yes the same sort of thing and I went into the A&E and it was packed and I'm sure it doesn't need to be - so much going on and some people were just packing up and going home after waiting so long that they probably felt better by then.  Miraculously from being another three or four hours he got seen straightway when he said he was going to discharge himself as if he'd waited this long following triage it couldn't be that worrying for them?  Seen straight away, I got him home gone 1:30 possibly later and got to bed at 2.

There's a lot of people didn't look like they needed to be in A&E but that's the way it works now.

The radical answer?  We all know the radical answer but no one has the balls to go do it, they just give it more money and boost the non jobs and say they've fixed it.

Anyway, 19 years, it was an awful time that week and in fact the few days afterwards then the wait then the operation in double quick time and you can read the rest at the beginning of this blog!  

Townies

 I used to be a Townie then we moved out of London when I was about 10 years old and generally I've lived on the edge of the countryside and now in it, which is great.

What's p1ssing me off is that all this demonizing of cars is a bit rich when you live, where we live, for example down a private unmade lane.  As you may know I tried to get busses but it doesn't work around here,  I have to walk half a mile (easily that) to a stop.  Anytime between 8 in the morning and about 6 at night all is good, the busses seem reasonably frequent and then today, a Sunday, no busses.  So what exactly are we meant to do?  It's a 45 minute walk to the nearest station and it's about 30 Degrees outside.  So all of this bollocks from the Townies about cycling or using public transport actually doesn't work in about 90% of the rest of the country.  

 I used to like getting home at midnight and seeing a bu that would take me somewhere near my house but now, I'd have to wait until 6 am I guess :-)  We need cars due to the distances and terrain, there aren't always footpaths to walk on along the main roads etc.  No services Sundays and Evenings - bonkers, I drove through town last night and it was dead, hardly anywhere was packed and barely any cars or people.  Oh well, that's my whinge for the day as I will now have to drive everywhere today as usual. It would be nice to get a bus into town, have a few beers or go to an event and get a bus out but it isn't going to happen ever and the townies will complain that we are driving around in our 4 wheel drives.  It would be fun to see them try and cycle down here where I live!  

Is It Me? If So, Is It Only Me?

 I am having some strange thoughts and my attitude to things around me is shifting.  I feel I would rather be anywhere else but where I am right now and I feel a disconnection with stuff going on as well as disbelief at what is happening in our society.

The recent Abortion changes, today's Assisted Dying (suicide) Bill and the horrendous Tax regime which works on taxing you more because the last time you did it, it made things worse!   The present Fabian , Marxist ideologues have learned nothing from their past, not one jot.  There's a disconnect between the people and these supposed servants of the people in as much as they don't service the people, perhaps the diametric opposite.  Then there's the increase in the State, more non jobs, more quangos more jobs for the boys, fat pension, and my personal favourite, that I have fought all my life against which is praise, reward and promotion for those who actively fought against the project (lets call it) you and everyone else failed in everything they did and rather than lose their jobs they were richly rewarded whilst we, who did the right thing, got shat upon!

Petronius Arbiter, a Roman courtier during the reign of Nero, wrote:

"We trained hard . . . but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we would be reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing; and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization."

The NHS for example is constantly reorganized but is the same, it just gains more weight, becomes ever more sluggish and inefficient.  The same for all Public businesses.  If any were to compete in my world of the private business they would be bankrupt in a month or two.  They are all insolvent and no one cares.  Then you see these people are "Honoured" in the King's Appointments etc.  Sir this, Dame that and you know damn well that the vast majority of these people fail at every level and get richly rewarded for it.

So what's my point?  Well it's that I've got to the point of not caring what they do any more because, I can't beat them, I can't join them, they make me angry and annoyed and what for?  I'm too old to fight them now and not enough people are awake anyway.  I do think that there is a ground swell at least in terms of the political parties which may shake up the system (well at least until they get in power and taste the rich rewards for the power they wield but maybe not for the people they wield it for).

We seem to be "very British" about all of this. We tend to let it happen and I imagine there comes a breaking point but I have no idea how near that is.  I've fought my fights and to be honest, I now feel old, I found that where 20 years or more ago I'd relish the fight, would be self assured in my own stance and actions, my own abilities but now, with that awful threat of legal action (baseless as it was) it really has knocked me and reminded me how good people can go bad, how illogical and selfish they can be and how downright rude and despicable too.

So I've been spending a lot of "me time" recently, sitting in the garden, thinking and pondering but also trying to get back to just enjoying the surroundings and the birds and animals in the fields around me.  Enjoying the sun, the breeze and the endless rustles in and around our hedgerows.  I think that's where I am drawn to but of course, there's work and I wasn't expecting to be working right now, I was hoping to be retired.  The same old work related problems of course do not help.

So I am trying to switch away from this sordid war mongering, joy grabbing bunch of politicians who are woefully inadequately ready for government and distance myself and break away.  It's probably the wish to leave this present world and go to my new world that I want and yet I am dragged back to the old too often.  Added to that the depression and gloom associated with it, and the booze if I'm honest, and I struggle to pull myself from one place that I know is not good for me to a place where I can escape it all.  I am certain that these moods are top down problems and it isn't just me.  What I do hope it that I can open the door, get to the other side and not have to come back again which possibly accounts for my recent death thoughts too for it's the transition allegory of rebirth.  Anyway, that's what today looks like.  

The Long Metamorphosis

 It struck me that humanity has turned in the past 50 or so years.  Lots of things have conspired to bring us to this point where people are generally brought down by all this crazy impositions on our lives by people who we entrust to do the right thing and actually work for us!  Not vice versa, they are our servants but they've sort of tricked the gullible into a master servant arrangement.  They aren't very good at their jobs, they lie (all the time) and are snake oil salesmen frankly.

Then the people themselves turn on each other and the tension is ramped up as if over winding a main spring and trying to release it without the proper tool.  There's racial tension, there's money tension.  Soon there will be employment problems to add to it too.  All the time the state gets bigger, 4 million public servants, " public sector employment stands at 5.87 million people as of June 2023, representing approximately 17.9% of total employment. This includes jobs in central government, local government, and public corporations. The NHS is a significant component, employing around 2 million people." it costs around £1.1 Trillion and is up around 70% from Covid times.

Someone once told me that we ran the whole British Empire with 40,000 Civil Servants.  No AI, No Internet, Telegraph messages.  Impressive.  

This huge sector doesn't actually do anything to increase GDP (if we are to take any measure) and it takes around 160 days for each person in the UK to work just to cover these costs.

And they don't do a good job, the cult of "World Beating NHS" is long dead and tired only Politicians believe it and the public note that it takes longer to get anything done now even with all the extra staff and money thrown at it.  They don't have the courage to do anything and are in all probability in it for themselves and it doesn't affect them.

So I was wondering whether we will come to a pass here where we stop being nasty to each other, cruel, despicably behaved, fighting and war mongering, unpleasant to each other and will we finally rip apart our Chrysalis and pump up our beautiful wings and be at one with our planet and each other? A great awakening?  Perhaps we need more time, perhaps we aren't ready for it yet.  I think slowly the slumbering giant is waking up but perhaps not in my lifetime?  Maybe it's part of the eternal struggle but to be better than we are is surely a goal we should strive to reach.  Our evolution is probably too early on to achieve it as we are at the moment.  Wake up humanity, arise and be the best you can.  I suppose you all need to wake up and emerge together to make it happen.  

Calm But Still Not Right

 I find that the last few days have been calmer and I feel much better in myself.  However, I'm still not right and realise that I haven't been for years if I think about it.  Something isn't right and deep down in dungeons of my brain and deep inside my body I can feel it.

I really dislike going out anywhere and I would be quite happy to just be around the house and garden but that isn't going to happen and this "business" isn't going to run itself anytime soon and so that also drags at me.  I've just taken a short break from doing social media postings as I just can't think of anything to post - I imagine in a day or two that will change too.

I find people (not all) to be somewhat illogical or no longer feisty and full of character they don't seem to see what I see and they don't have the opinions that I do although they do parrot what they see and hear.  Back in the day we used to get a newspaper every day at one time and at weekends get two on Sunday.  A cup of coffee and a sit down to read cover to cover was something you did and yet still had time to do the massive garden we had, decorate the house and so on and I worked really hard too so coming home from work I'd have some food and then go and do two or three hours decorating work ready to be up at 6 again to go to work!  I can't do that now.  I can barely get the enthusiasm for anything.

Back to being informed - TV was for specific things and when it could be trusted to give you something like the facts and not their opinion was OK.  It was there for a little entertainment a bit of sport and so on.  The newspaper gave you the in-depth look at the world.  We both worked and we worked hard at work and play.

Today there is a stream of information available to you and that's OK but there doesn't appear to be the individual thought or analysis of that data..  There are lots of AI fakes, news but angled in the way that news outlet wants you to hear it and there is very little analysis or questioning going on.  I tend to have a low tolerance level for these things.  We have a government of naive, never run a business or a project types who have little grasp of the bigger picture.  They aren't even detail people and they certainly have no grasp on the need to encourage entrepreneurship.  The magic money tree has long since run out of money and the leanings toward more public sector and public expenditure without the money to pay for it from businesses being taxed so high they squeak is not the way to guide themselves out and "Go for growth" which they say they are doing.  Nasty socialist ideologies go down well with some people and if you rob Peter to pay Paul, you can always rely on Paul's vote.

The Keynesian socialist approach looks doomed already but no one seems to notice the economic data coming in and realise it isn't the bed of roses painted it's a forest of nettles and Venus fly traps.  Oh well.  That probably doesn't help my mood much either :-) 

P1ssing In The WInd

Sometimes it feels like that when you get absolutely no reaction from the stuff you are doing for other people.  I suppose I shouldn't be shocked about it, just resigned to it.  You publish something of interest and no body is interested, fair enough I suppose.  It just seems like a lot of effort to me that just goes to waste.

I'm going through hundreds of items for the App launch and it's just dragging now.  Well it's been dragging for 7 years but that's another story altogether I suppose.  Where are people's sense of urgency these days it's as if all the stuffing has been knocked out of the populace, everyone appears weary and tired and not bothered.  Perhaps that just me?

So how do we remedy this?  I have no idea but our Chancellor will read our fortune to us today and I'm not sure anyone has got a grasp of how deeply in the brown and smelly stuff this country is in?  The trouble is no one believes a word they say.  To anyone with half a brain, there looks to be something very wrong indeed with the way that they are approaching things and the socialist rule book is being opened at the part where it states that you can now tax your way out of the hole you've dug for yourself.  You cannot go for growth if you are stifling it and just because you have cheques in your cheque book doesn't actually mean you have money in the bank!

The collective sharp intake of breath will potentially be heard around the world.