What a strange year it has been so far. I really feel a little lost and not sure what I am doing or going to do with myself. It is not as if I have not got things to do of course but they aren't uppermost in my mind and procrastination seems to halt my need to do things on that list.
I'm writing my biography for my family history files and I think it is that recording of things past which makes me reflective. I really shouldn't do "what if?" but I think that you cannot always stop that as you pour out your memories you are bound to get the twang of missed opportunities, lost loves, opportunities that didn't come to fruition and just the amazement that things didn't go in another direction when you analyse what happened to you. It didn't make the biography but on three or more occasions there were some interesting things that happened that could have panned out differently and on each I dodged advances that I am sure would have led to amatory endings. I am glad that as I write down these experiences that I did the right thing but you are always left wondering whet might have been?
But is it just that I wonder? It feels more than that. A general reset perhaps. Being retired (or should be) is actually a strange phenomenon to me as I've always been doing things and I suppose I still am a bit but there's that guilt feeling of getting up and saying or wanting to do something and achieving nothing. Maybe that's what it is like because you don't need to achieve anything? Perhaps there are other things to be done?
The business has dragged on for 8 years now and I am getting pretty much annoyed that it hasn't been sorted out yet. It has certainly exercised my mind recently with the chap leaving and then threatening me for his own actions! That took it out of me too. Who threatens legal action over their own mistake? Then there's the ongoing testing nightmare = it has taken 9 months longer - again to get here. Considering I had a working version of this in my hands 7 years ago it's been unacceptable but we are where we are.
There's other stuff going on in my head, I think mortality is one of these. Another friend died yesterday after a long illness and he had gradually gone downhill over the last 2 years or so. I am trying in some way to get things in order and history is written by the victors comes to mind in writing my biography which is around 60,000 words which is impressive and we are only getting to the middle bit which I left. That too probably fills me with regret because I look back on the times we had, character building, fun, hard work, triumphs and disasters and realise that I really didn't want that to end the way it did and we go our separate ways. I feel bad now, worse than I did then which is pretty interesting to note about leaving. I was the instigator and whilst there were triggers, it had built up over time and I suppose yo wonder whether giving it one more chance (and there had been a number of these) would have really sorted it out?
There's guilt that my ex looked after me through the darkest period of my life with Bladder Cancer and she took me to and from the Hospital and I am grateful to her for nursing me through and looked after me during the dark dark days of treatment which were, I can tell you, or you can read the 2006 and a few years after, unpleasant and challenging. And yet, I went through all of that and wanted to live to see my children grow up, get married, have children of their own (if they so wanted) and so that has come to pass but what is missing now I don't really know?
Last night I sat outside, gosh it was hot day 30C I would say but the evening was cooler and I grabbed a few glasses of wine and then I felt bad about that! Sometimes I question why my mind does that. It is quite acceptable to sit out in the garden, a little music playing and drinking a few glasses of wine. Perhaps I am worried about drinking again, that it is a habit that I should give up? I don't know. Maybe today I'll work out what this is all about. What I do recognize is that when I feel like this often big things happen in my life. Unfortunately they are things like major job changes or direction changes, illness or separation - I really don't want any of them but that's what worries me when I "go like this" it often means that my mind knows the answer but isn't sharing it with me yet.
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