Are You Doing Something For The Right Reason?

 I pitch this now as I am in my inner head state looking at what to do next and it occurred to me that when I fully evaluate what I am going to do next I really need to concentrate on whether (or not) I am making the decision for the right reason.

By right I mean that I, for example, am harbouring not great thoughts about the bloke who has been attacking me since he made the decision to unilaterally withdraw from the business saying he wanted nothing more to do with it financially or manually.  So am I doing it (not decided yet) to get back at him? Show him (me) I was right all along.  If I shut it all down who am I doing that for and so on?

I am going to now work on this aspect.  I've done the work life balance which was very bad indeed and the Wheel or Life exercise scored bad in every element.  That's not good and points to other things that need to be reviewed and tackled - I know some of those but it isn't a good start.

Then there are financial and time constraints and the impact on my personal life (albeit the above exercise points to me not having one LOL).  

Intuitively I think I know what I really ought to do but the nag is that it probably isn't what you should do and will there be regrets etc.  Before this all kicked off and I was left holding the baby so to speak, I had a clear idea of what needed to be done and how to do it.

Simply, if I close the business down it all goes away no matter what he says or does the business will no longer exist.  If I continue he is likely to be a bad actor.  In many ways this is just a side worry to the rest of it.

I do need to make sure the decision I eventually come to isn't based on some ego remnant - it needs to be clearly based on facts and data and not how I was "feeling" when I made it :-) Easier said than done as after all he has done to me in the past year, even though it worked out in the end in my favour eventually, I find it hard to forgive or forget that he railed against me the way he did because of (potentially) hurty words and hurty feelings! FFS.

The New Super Power. Gormless

 Ahead of this week's Budget you have to wonder about the suitability of the current government.  A complaint about speculation on its contents slamming the MSM and yet they have been leaking like a sieve and flying kites all over the place.  It's as if they don't know what they are doing. Wait, correction, they definitely do not know what they are doing.

They really are acting out the sort of playground insults from pre-pubescent children and throwing around insults and coming up with schemes that are stupid, wrong for the current situation and based on ideology and certainly not sound economic principles.

On Wednesday we will know what they are going to do, or attempt to do.  Right now, it all looks self destructive and doomed to failure.  There just doesn't appear to be any grown ups in the room at all.  So out of touch are they that they cannot see how despised they are and how this version of socialism should stay as a text book postulation for surely everyone can see that if you increase and continue to increase spending but do not have sufficient income to cover that let alone the huge debt burden that it isn't going to work out well? 

Margaret Thatcher made a remark in a 1976 television interview for Thames TV's This Week, where she stated: "...and Socialist governments traditionally do make a financial mess. They [socialists] always run out of other people's money". 

Well here we go and so far all I can see is a series of "get rich" schemes being floated out there but, of course, if there isn't the money out there in Tax Payer world then it's not going to happen.  Spreadsheets are notoriously bad at this, they show a linear increase in income from taxation and ignore human behaviour.  When you see the money being taken from you and given to someone else and generally wasted it changes your behaviour.  I am sure that those who are self employed will find ways to avoid some of the draconian impositions on them now being imposed.  

They don't know what it is like to run your own business and now heap extra paperwork on them - quarterly tax returns as an example.  When IR35 came in under the last socialist government (and the Tories didn't take it away even though they said they would) I just changed the way that the business worked.  Resulting in taking on less work at increased costs and creating more leisure time and paying less taxes at the same time.  Dropping below the tax thresholds too and so I did the minimum I needed to do and whilst I didn't get a full year's work, I did just enough to keep me happy and pay the tax man what was due on that work.  Why work harder and longer to fill in more forms and pay out a greater % to the government who risked nothing? 

If you've run businesses you know that you must incentivise your people with reasonable and achievable goals that add to their pockets and their self worth.  If you don't you drive different behaviours that detract from the overall goal and do the opposite.  Penalising people for their success is not how you do it.  Why should I work harder to give that to someone else who hasn't worked at all for it?  Give it to faceless bureaucrats who waste it and I know plenty about that having watched these people at work.  

Anyway, the car crash will be arriving on Wednesday and we will see what level of stupid we will get.  The damage done last year is coming home now as it works its way through the system.  You could say the damage is done already but it feels like this is a doubling down and I'm not sure that the majority of people are going to be quiet about it.   

Breakfast With A Friend Resetting Your Thoughts

 So a breakfast yesterday with my friend, fellow cancer survivor and all around good guy was interesting.  I wasn't as bad as I was last time I saw him and it was fortuitous as I needed him to sign my LPA so that was good.

We share many common things, music although not the same sort of music exactly, we've worked together and seem to have worked with some of the worst "managers" in the world.  Business wise we developed a business many years ago that was a real journey.

I always come away reset, refreshed and with new thoughts and ideas.  That's great in many ways I think.  I am setting about cleaning my office out and just throwing stuff away.  I never really use these books and CDs and notebooks and so they can just go.  I am trying to make sure as much gets recycled as possible and so I am just checking everything and if people want them, they can have them (books and CDs that is).  They aren't worth anything these days and as more people stream music the less CDs are used.  There is happily a charity that will come and collect such items and so I am going to get in touch with them and arrange a collection.

I then realised that I no longer do two things I used to do (three if you count that I rarely watch TV these days too).  I do not read as much as I used to and I do not listen to my music as much as I used to either.  As for TV I watch on Monday nights as there are two programmes I enjoy 'Only Connect' and 'University Challenge' and that's about it.  If there is Rugby or Formula 1 then I will watch those on TV or if not on YouTube.  It just doesn't interest me but then that's been the whole year or two really.  All these things I used to do, I no longer do. 

I feel there's a shift here but I cannot work out quite what that might be.  I've been up and down a lot and the business isn't really helping and in fact I am still undecided on whether to actually make a go of it or not.  I cannot make my mind up whether it would be best to just shit it down, give it a go under strict exit criteria or something else (I have no idea what that might be).

So something has shifted that has distanced me from the things I used to enjoy towards a more inwardly reflective introverted style of living and that probably needs some analysing as to why I have steered away from my usual to this quite solitary hermit like state?  

Getting Through The Paperwork

 I write a lot on here but in reality I write far more on my writing pads than I do on here.  I have just found and shredded my writing pads from 15 years back - when things were changing a lot in my life and I was trying to work out what to do next.  I haven't read them only glanced at them and just shredded them as they are meaningless now.  There's hours of thoughts and ideas written onto paper which is how I discuss ideas with myself!

I write a lot and work through ideas and problems using pen and paper, mainly text although I see a few sketches I did which certainly needed to be shredded!   It's all about making sense of the stuff that floats around in my head.  As an INTJ it goes with how my mind works and how I analyse things.  It's why I was ideal for highly technical tasks when I was younger as I could work my way through huge documents and diagrams and work out how things worked and where there were problems.  There was another guy who was also similar to me and he was way faster than I was at seeing problems in wiring diagrams.  I'd probably see them but would validate before noting, he could just use a red pen and circle things that "didn't look right" 

The stuff that I have now shredded and made room in my office include three files of family history notes now scanned and stored safely, three work notebooks and general odds and sods paperwork lying around.  I am hopeful that I can work out what to do with my lovely business books.  I doubt I will ever use them so perhaps sell what I can and those that aren't of any use I can take to a place where they recycle books.  You can find most things online these days and with AI to help you can focus in on specifics if you so desire.

Difficult Decisions - Why Are They So.....

 Well, difficult!  I am taking a break from the business after all the recent nastiness and I am tackling things I should have done years ago!  Yesterday was to scan and then to shred all of the single record records I have kept in a file and never looked at past the original work I did on each of them.  That's one file done and hundreds of records now safely saved in the family history archives.  

Today my new shredder arrives and I can really get to tidying up years and years worth of information that I no longer look up, read or need.  If it might be important it can get scanned and then shredded.

Other documents and books can be given away to worthy causes.  I have boxes of journals that can go and I need to just release my hold on these now worthless things.

The business decision is not going to be easy.  Do I run with the business after all this time or do I just shut it down?  I am not sure because one requires me to undertake a load more work and one means I can just walk away!  I am struggling with this still because it's the end of one journey and the start of another or it really is a terminal event but I get my life and time back.  That too is attractive.

I will carry on reviewing this nut not for too much longer as I need to make a decision and it is hard because both options have merit and there is a third part way option I guess but it still involves working.  I'm meant to be retired and yet here I am working out about running this business with this interference from someone who "Does not want to be involved in the business ever again!"  yet throws bricks in from the side.  Hopefully not many more but why bother with it all?

And Let That Be An End Of It

 Another solicitor's letter but this time, as always pretty full of what I should and shouldn't do, it sort of draws a line under things and leaves stuff hanging in the air a bit like a bully saying "And let that be a lesson to you!" after nothing has actually happened.  It throws accusatory stuff but doesn't actually do anything about them because it's wrong but hey ho.

As usual it shakes you up even though you were expecting it but after 5 minutes this time I just treated it for what it is and it can be filled between toilet paper in the file.  It ends with a short of "I'm keeping an eye on you" but so what?

It now makes me need to work out what I am going to do with the business.  Run it forward or shut it down.  I am still deciding and this has just made me wonder a little more about whether it is worth it?  I think that I should "give it a go" as I can easily shut it down if it doesn't get anywhere and I haven't gone out of my way to sell it so far.  I'm a bit surprised that no one (apart from a handful) have downloaded it but that's now my "problem to solve" I guess?

Two parts to the argument run it or close it.  If I close it then I can walk away and be retired.  It would make sense too, no more hassle and whilst this bloke might moan, there will be no one to moan at.  If I run it then he may well keep sticking his oar in but there is a way to deal with that now and if successful then that too goes away.  Decisions, decisions.  I don't have to rush to do this either.

In other news, the first file has been scanned and the papers shredded which is great.  Another file can be started later.  That probably just needs shredding though.  Gradually we are going to get there.  Gradually but it isn't going to happen quickly but that's one thing down so progress.  

Milestones or Millstones?

 Having procrastinated for too long on getting things done I now find that I am at the tipping point in terms of where I am given the pretty horrible 6 months to a year I've had.  Getting the heating sorted in the house is one thing I can get off the list next week when everything gets serviced, the circulating pump gets replaced (or repaired) and we can draw a line under that for another year - it was a year ago that I ended up paying for the new tank which was the price of a small second hand car!

Now I have finished my meetings for the year - the journey wasn't too bad as they have temporary traffic lights there now not a full closure and I was diverted that way as my short cut was also closed, I can not be distracted by such things and I intend to get on with a number of little tasks intended to give me small step victories along the way.

So today I will tidy up my desk, papers and files in short achievable bursts.  There is so much paperwork that I have had to keep (7 year rule) that I can now dispose of and I probably need to get a more industrial shredder as I am not certain my budget one will last the course.  So much stuff to get rid of - boxes of stuff.  BUT only a bit at a time in short manageable chucks.

If I can just get a few bits done I will start to make progress and that's important rather than recoiling at the scale of the problems - Elephant Eating as we used to call it.  You cannot eat an Elephant in one sitting but you can eat a whole Elephant one bit at a time!

Relax For A Moment

 It is difficult to relax when you earnestly think that you need to be doing things or that I should be active and it really is strange when you realise that, actually, you don't need to be doing something, just sitting here is OK, it's not a sin to spend a little me time and not be involved in some task or other.

I checked the repaired chair and glued it up a little bit more and spent a little time just working out what I need to do.  Today is dustbin (recycling) day and I can do the bins etc shortly and then get ready to go out to a meeting - the only problem with that being the ridiculous roadworks and the lack of thought about shutting off two roads together.  It should be finished by the time I come home but I just have to do a large circular diversion to get there.  A Lodge meeting invited by my friend who gets his 30 years certificate tonight and he informs me is doing some work too.  Nice, a meeting and a meal with good company.

I can get back to doing things tomorrow.  Sorting out the office is first on the list as there is so much old paperwork to go through and then to scan and I think just throw it all out - most of it hasn't been looked at for 7 or 10 years and if I need a copy I can scan it to my Server and find it that way.  I need to make space anyway as I have so much accumulated stuff from the businesses that I don't use - I had these all those years ago and I haven't missed them so they can be disposed of hopefully the books can go to a good home.  My law books (how I could have done with those earlier this year) can possibly go to someone who will need them more than I do now.

So many bits and pieces that I must decide what to do with and dispose of them - if they aren't used then what's the use of them?

For now, I just need to relax and chill then decide what to do next and how to go about that.  Just working for the sake of being busy isn't actually achieving anything and so I just need to be smart and effective, work through the odds and ends but not have to be actively busy all the time.  I think the "Does it really matter" phrase has worked and these things don't matter - it doesn't need to happen right now for it to happen and it doesn't all need to be done at once either.

Fixing Stuff

 Chair fixed with dowels and glue - hopefully this gets it fixed once and for all!  I've spoken to the Heating Engineer and they will come next week to service the boiler, the megaflow and to sort out a new pump!  More money but I knew I'd have to get it done yearly anyway.

What else?  I am keeping my eyes open for the roadworks for tomorrow.  They've shut off one of the main roads around here and it's been shut for at least two months whilst they do some utilities works.  The detour is a bit of an out of the way thing but there is another route that I can use to go through the back lanes and guess what?  Yes, they have just shut that route too so I will probably have to go the very long way around to get there too!  Oh well, it should be open on the way back and might be finished early - we shall have to check it out.  Who plans these things?  They obviously aren't local and the number of times you drive around this area and roads are closed and the diversions mean.... absolutely nothing as they don't tell you what you are meant to be diverting around.

Apart from that I think I have repaired most of the things that are broken and I have just received my super glue so we can din the ornament I dislodged from where it was balanced! You can't make it up.

A few more things to sort out and I can work out how to dispose of a box full of books of mine that have turned up. I doubt I will use them that's for sure as they were all to do with my consulting days - I think my law books might be in there. I could have done with those earlier this year of course.  Hey ho!  

How Many Things Can Go Wrong At Once?

 How about 4 things all at once!  The chair I repaired with glue that could hold anything together failed! So that now needs dowels to really fix it.  Ordered arriving tomorrow!  Water pump timer - they don't last long and sure enough 18 months in and it needed to be changed.  I bought two (and now ordered two more) as they don't seem to make water pump timers that can withstand the inductive load of switching on and off.  So that is done.  

A new outside light but it is so cold outside I need to go find my gloves and a coat to fit it.  I'd forgotten that I had ordered two PIR and only one arrived and I forgot to reorder or sort that out.

The gate (once again) needs sorting out - that's heavy duty mechanical stuff so I need to work on that when the wind isn't blowing and I can get some big wrenches and spanners to adjust the brackets.

I broke the model rabbit which for some unknown reason was placed near the light switch so when you reach around to turn the lights on you launch the ornament into oblivion.  Superglue is on order too!  I hate the way people put things close to the edge of shelves and so on - being Health & Safety trained it drives me nuts to see it.  Of course it was my fault!  

So that's enough for one day - I just need to get on with the outside light in a moment when I find something warm to wear :-)  

It Slowly Dawned On Me Last Night

I was watching the Snooker and had a few beers and as I am want to do, I nearly always have a notepad and pen with me.  I was going through a slightly different exercise to the Wheel of Life and just wrote down a couple of lines.

This was along the lines of "What do you want to do?" then the "Do you have to do it?" "What if you didn't do it?" and then the Eureka line which was "So what?  Does ANY of it actually matter?" And, of course, it doesn't matter at all, none of it does.

I had been playing with the Eisenhower Matrix where tasks are prioritised between Low and High, What is Urgent or Significant and what is Not Urgent and Insignificant.  I had also been working on my requests for my Lasting Power of Attorney so this was if I get ill or cannot do things for myself and I wonder too if that added to the overall thought process I was going through?

Whatever it was, the outcome was a smile and a rest back in my chair and it became clear that it doesn't actually matter one way or the other.  There's no pressure to make the business succeed, there's no reason to get all stressed when things don't happen or go wrong particularly.  

The LPA stuff is interesting as there is a Finance and Property one and a Health one.  I guess it was the health one that was particularly useful as I actually put down this year's unpleasantness along with my other "problems" and so it admitted that it had taken it out of me, had added to my lack of "well-being-ness" if there is such a thing.  When you write down your wishes, about the future and list out what's happened to you in the past it starts to align your thoughts and also provides some focus on what might be before us (Care Home, Hospice etc) and whilst I was listing all these things out I reckon the old grey matter was sorting things out for me!

So things changed at that moment and a lot of the body stress fell away (I don't think the beer had anything to do with that) and I felt a lot lighter than I have in a while that's for sure.  It also means that if something doesn't get done on one day, so what, it can happen the next day and I don't need to be turning the screws on myself.  I am and always have been very hard on myself and it doesn't help that I'm the sort of person I'd hate to work for either :-)  So, this period of reflection has been really useful and I can actually approach the next few weeks where I am working out what to do with a quite different light.

It doesn't matter and that's the point now.  In addition there are lots of things that I really don't need to do and lots of tasks that aren't important either.  Neither do I need to spend hours and hours doing something where I can do one task, get it done and that's it.  No more overload and pressure that, after all, I put on myself it's not anyone else that's doing it.  Let's give it a go and see how this works out. 

No Couldn't Bring Myself To Do It

 The trouble of being a matter of fact type person is that I don't dress stuff up and whilst I may attempt to be subtle it never really comes out that way.  If you are dealing with someone who is generally emotional and takes things the wrong way then you have to work really hard to get it right and pick your moment.

The trouble is that it may not be seen a problem in their eyes, they may become defensive and so on.   I don't think in their terms and so I still need to think it all out.  Oh well I will keep trying I suppose.

Eating The Frog - Again

 Given the pretty rough year I've had I am attempting to reset myself and review life, the universe and all that good stuff!  Using the Wheel of Life system is one way to go about it and it has actually started my thinking off in the right direction.

The business and financial sections are OK, I know where I am but the personal life and home life sections?  Well, they are a different matter and oftentimes when you are looking in one direction you are ignoring what's behind and to the side of you.  These sections on the wheel are throwing up areas that I'd rather not go down but of course, that's what they are there for.  You have to reflect on all these aspects and the truth is, I don't really want to because I know that things aren't really right there.

So it's eat the Frog time.  No one wants to eat the Frog, it is green and brown and slimy and probably tastes awful but as we used to say, you need to go and do it and cannot continually kick the can down the road.

I have found the trauma and stress of the past 6 months to a year really bad for my health and I feel it more now than I ever did.  The decision before me now is one of flight or fight although not in an adrenaline fuelled way.  If I walk away and shut it all down will we ever know if it was a go-er or will it mean that I can just retire, wrap all this stuff up, have a bonfire and recycle all the rubbish, cancel all the other associated stuff?  If I make a go of it, how long for, what does success look like and when to call it a day?

The exercise to review this is useful but the personal stuff is not (to me).  The questions need answering as I don't want to be doing the right things for the wrong reason and vice versa.

Lasting Power Of Attorney

Well I need to deal with this now and get my wishes down.  All very matter of fact really and all very difficult as you are instructing your attorneys of your wishes should you be unable to do this for yourself.

It is strange writing out my health wishes as I keep much of this away from my family and now I have to explain certain traits and health conditions that they may not have been aware of as I have hidden them from it.  My depression and up and down nature of that is one area that I find strangely OK to write about but I am not sure that they know the depth of it even though they've lived with it for a number of years.  It will be interesting to see if they pick up on it I suppose.

The other stuff is pretty interesting to write about and should just reinforce that so much stuff is transitory in nature and deserves to be treated as such.  Part of my review I am doing over the next few weeks in reality.  The balance of work, life, relationships etc.  

I am forcing myself to do a 'Wheel of Life' review and it is actually difficult because I absolutely know what I need to do and the inner fight is real.  Of course I've always known, it's the curse of an INTJ the intuitive bit rises to the surface now but it was always there and deep down inside the direction was set.  The trouble is that the conclusion isn't palatable at all, it isn't what I want and it really isn't the answer I was looking for.

Now, I will spend some days reviewing things and actually arriving at that conclusion and then having to make another decision whether to go with it or avoid it and that will be an altogether different proposition.  The mind is putting it off and trying to avoid it LOL.

Time To Reflect And Decide

 Well here we are with new information and some ideas about going forward.  It was a good meeting and very much as I thought would be the case and so now, armed with that information, I can start to think about moving on.

I can at least work on the basis that some things are just not going to happen easily and quickly.  So in some ways one arm is tied behind my back unless the business flies and that isn't by any means certain at all.

It's now that the risk intensifies and so that in itself needs to be considered.  It is a gamble and you just don't know how this is going to go especially with the Budget coming up too.  Whether or not that will affect the business is another thing altogether.  

For now, I need to do some "Blue Sky" thinking and then make a decision.  I've already allocated some money to prop the business if needed and so covered off the possibility that we can last into Q2 next year (our Q4).  We don't need that many sales to make a go of it but those sales have not come yet despite some advertising although I probably need to up my game on that to make it more attractive.

Anyway, it's time to stop randomly attacking bits of the business and time to put the nastiness behind me and see if I want to go on and run the business or just shut it down and have done with it.  It was interesting that the bloke who's been giving me all the grief has once again written to the developer! What is interesting about that is that he more or less doesn't believe it will get to market - interesting comment.  It just goes to prove that no one read the statement I put out where I explained that we had.  They still voted against me/the business anyway.  Turkeys for Christmas anyone?

Anyway, a period of reflection and review.

OK That Was Useful

 I was going to walk but a bus pulled up within a few minutes so I got that and it meant I arrived in good time for the Remembrance Day Service - not part of the plan but it was good to attend and be part of.

Met the developer had a good long chat, ironed out a few bits and very much reinforced what I'd guessed was or had happened.  I also got some further feedback about the ex partner bloke giving me so much grief.  

So I now have a way forward (or not) to consider and whether we can get to market or not with the other version is, as I much suspected, a long long long way off.  The investment in time and money as I predicted was all spent in the wrong way and on targets not attainable even now.

But at east I know what I am dealing with and it isn't great and he knows that I am just as likely to pull the plug as to go ahead.  He does have a problem that if I sold the business it may give him a huge headache.

Anyway, I think I have a clearer view ahead now and let's hope that I can cover off most of the issues we have.

Nice to get busses to and from town - saves a 45 minute walk each way and also saved my poor old hip which is a lot better but may not have been up for quite the pounding a 90 minute walk there and back would have given it!

First Review Steps

 Off to meet the developer chap.  He's just 7 years late and only half delivered and so the conversation is going to be "interesting" to say the least.  I did fire a warning shot across his bows a year ago and now we are half way along but I need to review where we are and where I am too.

After a few days with a gammy leg I feel a lot better today and so I am going to attempt to walk into town to meet him.  It's a 45 minutes walk (brisk) but I will most probably take a little longer than that.  It should be an informal chat I don't want any problems and he's not the sort to give that to me either.  If there are problems I can get the bus which runs every 30 minutes so it should be OK either way.  It's not meant to be raining but hey, drizzle!  The Met office, can't get the weather right in a 30 minute window but can tell you what the temperature will be like 100 years from now!

So the review.  I am going to see what this guys is going to do he can deliver or he can refund, I just need to know what it is to be really.  It will determine my thinking and what actions I take from now on.  The bottom line is that I realise how much it has taken out of me with the uncalled for bombardment from the other chap involved.  I can push forward or I can shut it all down and as my mind stands right this minute, I really don't mind which one I do.  I am erring on shut it all down and have done with it which in reality is the easiest and possibly the tidiest option.

The Constant State Creep

 It was interesting to listen to a podcast that explored the role of the State.  You probably already know my position on things like Lockdown and the over reach of the State in that.  It goes back before that of course perhaps to the early 2000s maybe the financial crash of that time and it just goes on and on.

We now have politicians telling you how many drinks (containing sugar) you can and cannot have.  They just continue to chip away at liberties and steal our money and tell us it is good for us!  It is beginning to feel (to those of us awake enough) almost oppressive and I for one intend to start to ignore all of this and go and do my own thing.  If you don't obey the orders or get around them, what are they going to do?  It is meant to be Government by consent and I never consented to this nonsense and so that is my push back.

They want to control many (if not all) aspects of our lives but it's time we all pushed back and said no.  Too many people are happy to be ordered around and told what to do.  When I was managing programmes and projects it was amazing to me that so many otherwise highly intelligent people didn't actually know how to go about their jobs, they had to be told what to do, how to do it and when etc.  

I see that they have whispered they may introduce pay per mile for electric vehicles.  I imagine they'll use the onboard inter connectivity of the cars.  I doubt they have sufficient cameras set up to do it across the country.  Let's see if they do introduce it what the push back will be?

It's oppressive, if you let it be I suppose but it needs to be reigned in - we will see where the next budget leaves us.  Being taxed until the pips squeak and on top of that monitored all the time must surely start the asleep to wake from their slumbers.  

Often Happens

The road was meant to be closed but it wasn't, the roadworks were easy to get through.  So easy was it yesterday that I arrived in 35 minutes not my usual 45 as all the lights were green, there were hardly any cars on the road and I just sailed through.  It happens doesn't it that you plan to account for such things and actually, it was no where as bad as you thought.

Anyway, it was good to catch up with a number of old friends and have a chat and enjoy myself too.  Glad I did it as I often say to people, it's normally much better than you thought it would be.  Being an INTJ I am not overly good with people but I have learned how to do a bit of small talk.  As we all hadn't seen each other since May (a long break) it was easier to catch up.  

I feel better than I have done for a while, friends do that for you and it was a special meeting with quite a bit going on.  Somehow I have injured my hip and upper leg and putting pressure on it is quite painful.  Sometimes it is fine other times I get a shooting pain and can barely stand on it!  I hope that it isn't something serious.  For now I've put some cream I have on it and hope that helps.

In other news I am meeting the developer for a beer or three on Tuesday and hope that we can come to an accord on what is going to happen next.  I think I know the answer to it but I want him to run through the options and I want him to come up with the solutions.

I have an open mind on it at the moment, I am just going through the various scenarios and working out my exit strategies.   Who wants or needs all of this stuff at my age?  I think I'd rather be enjoying my retirement than fighting investors seemingly wanting to block progress?  They cannot have it both ways and so I just need to have a strategy document and a decision tree sorted out so I can make an informed conclusion and action plan.  Balancing business and monetary with emotional needs is the "fun" part of these exercises.  How do you correlate a set of life styles against profit and loss?  

Whilst it sounds complex it isn't really as intuitively you know what you are going to do some time before you get there with this exercise.  Will money drive you or your lifestyle?  If you earn more from the business then will you have a better life style? What are you willing to sacrifice for it and so on.  It throws up all of these points but the only thing that will matter is will it deliver what you want?  I think this will be fun and worth the effort to either run with it or decide enough really is enough and have done with it.

Life, The Universe And All That Stuff

 I find it crazy that I am retired and yet I have no time to be retired at all.  This business has kept me busy for years now and for what good it has done me, I may have well as dropped it years ago and just gone out and been retired.  So that's actually the thing isn't it?  What the hell am I doing working on something that now it's done (well half done to be fair) and I've taken all that flack about it no longer feels worth the effort.  

I've just stopped working on it as my heart isn't in it anymore.  I need to make a decision to either run with it, halt it or pause it and the investment in time and money is part of a complex equation around what to do next.  It's one of those thing that can go well if I invest a lot of time and effort, over and above what I've already done, yet, I have lost interest and don't really want to anymore.  Such is the impact of the attacks I've received that if I walked away today, I don't think I would feel anything anymore, it would be a relief.

No doubt once I've spoken to the developer and find out what he is likely to do now I will be better armed to make a logical decision on which way to go.  For now, it's in the balance I feel.  What's the point of using anymore of the life left to me if it is just to fend off attacks from enemies of the company?  If I close it, they too have nothing left to complain about.

It's messy though but I am certain that I will have an answer in the next several weeks.  Who needs all the negativity and uncertainty when I can shut it all down and all that disappears?