Denial?

Not a river in Egypt - a thought going through my head.

It could even be not taking it seriously or taking it too lightly. It just appears to me that so many people talk to me and it's the way that they look at you and the tone of their voices that trigger this reflection on whether or not I understand the gravity of the situation that I am in. Sounds funny? Well to me it does as I don't look at it that way.

I think that there is some measure of truth about being in denial or not taking it seriously as I am certain that it doesn't actually accomplish anything for me to be thinking like that so it is a bit of kid-ology attached to it. I think that bladder cancer is also "a little different" to other cancers in as much as it is very treatable in the way that I've had it. In other words, whilst it is nasty and we all know it is a killer, in bladder cancer terms, caught early, non-invasive and low/medium grade as mine was - is controllable. After they've gotten rid of the offending tumour, treated the bladder with BCG, they keep their eye on you at a minimum yearly.

Bladder Cancer is slow growing and so they can quickly whip any new tumours out or identify any areas of concern. That's happened to me already with a minute recurrence but this time all looks clear. The downside is that I'll be being checked regularly for the rest of my life by the looks of it and possibly that will be yearly (I don't know what the future is on that) I assume. It may be different with advances in treatment over what's left of my life.

Because I am comfortable (might be the wrong word) that they can catch any recurrence in a timely manner and that they should get this before it has an opportunity to harm me, then I feel a certain level of confidence about the disease I've had and feel I should convey that by being positive and optimistic to people I meet. I guess we are all, deep down, frightened of Cancer and perhaps that is what people don't quite get when they meet me. I have a pretty healthy respect for it but I also think that you must also communicate the good stuff too. I survived, modern medicine boosted my immune system to fight the cancer and these days you are more likely to survive. All of these things are worth communicating and I like to consider that I am being a mini ambassador for the disease and for the advances in treatment that mean I survived.

I don't think I'm in denial and I'd like to consider that I know pretty much what has happened to me, why it happened and what I can do to improve my survival chances. All these things are actually good news and deserve to be communicated. I imagine that generally things are negative and such things as hair loss and the loss of loved ones to Cancer sets people's behaviour so that they see my attitude as unusual and the opposite of what they expected.

Denial? Maybe but only for self protection - I never ever want to go look down the abyss again and I surely don't want my old friend the Black Dog to come visit again.