Emotions

I have often mentioned that the one highly notable result of having had cancer is this propensity to have highly emotional reactions to a number of situations. I find myself keeping in check a lot. For an example, I've cited the Bambi moment before as bringing me close to breaking down and stupid things seem to do this to me but here are two moments, quite far apart where I had to try hard to control myself.

The film "The Passion of the Christ" I watched for the first time last week - it was the most devastating portrayal of the Passion I have ever seen and stirred huge emotions. If you've seen it, then you probably felt the same? The scourging was absolutely awful and for once - and I don't know how he did it, it felt like you were not watching but you were sharing the pain. It was late a night I was on my own, I was moved and I was in bits. Films do this to me if I am into them and I think it was very much the shock of this film. However, I can be like this with Amelie, Schindler's List and many other films. So what you may say?

Then there's stuff like the Royal Wedding. I didn't watch it as I found myself moved by that too. It wasn't just the ceremony it was the people who were out in force and it was because they were engaged in something special, it was a moving time for them and special.

And here's the problem - it's about the experience, the moment and the enjoyment, its about the tragedy and the moment, and the time and the humanity of it and its about something I no longer have but have great empathy with. I came so close to losing it all that seeing others less fortunate than myself or losing upsets me, seeing a recurrence is also a set back, seeing people enjoy themselves and enjoy a moment, share an experience is also important as what is survival all about if not that.

Then there's the potential that surviving isn't all about what you thought it might be but life being precious is.

I'll stop there - I need to as it isn't making logic or sense but then, I've found out that this the way of it, it's the way it is and I have to live with it for now.