Reasons to be Cheerful

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Well that old song says it all. I'm a cheerful chap normally and now is no exception really. I know people find it quite hard to get it when I've just been given what amounts to bad news and yet there you have the difference between someone who has gone through the mill and had 5 years worth of experience and someone looking in from the outside many of whom, of course, haven't had an experience with cancer or if they have probably know someone who died because of it.

A stoic battle, a brave and courageous fight, resolute to the end and all that stuff - which I am sorry - I don't mean to belittle at all. It is just that I remember my niece saying when she was quite small that she was frightened of going into hospital because people go there to die. Indeed her grandparents and others in her mother's side of the family had and so that was her only experience.

In a way my dealings with cancer are similar, my grandfather died and I wasn't allowed to see him (his request) in the end. Many friends died some in a very short space of time through cancer and so it isn't surprising that those looking at me are feeling somewhat bemused by my good humour and stoical pragmatic approach. Unfortunately for many of them my jokes haven't got any better and so they don't quite get what it is about me being so upbeat for. Sometimes even if I tell them they give me a sideways look. I have lots of messages about "being strong" well I suppose I intend to. The post before sort of alludes to this because of the 5 years of this now. Amazingly it is 5 years this July and around about this time 5 years ago I started my dream job - one I thought would see me through to retirement easily. It was somewhat unfortunate that it didn't - I'd still loved to have been there but as curiosity and serendipity would have it I'm hoping to work with them providing their solution to the new business and one of the guys I used to work for may actually help us in a Joint Venture too so how bad is that?

I have to say the thought of an operation isn't great - I intend to see if I can get an "in and an out" on the same day if possible - I will ask for it - I do hate the experience and after the last time - where I had a terrible, terrible experience - I want to ensure that I never go through that particular experience ever again. I've told my Consultant what I thought about it and will make sure that everyone is aware this time too.

I already can feel a prickle on the back of my left hand where the cannula goes :-( That's the worst bit really - well unless they stick a catheter in which is probably on the same level of hatred. However, it's what needs to happen - I can't stop it, I can't make it go away and I have to go through with it so the die is cast and that's your lot basically. What else are you going to do?

So now - I think it's just got to be what it's got to be and lets get on with it and sort things out as soon as possible. Sure it's inconvenient and all that good stuff but at the end of the day - they'll patch me up, fix me up, dust me off and send me on my way and that will be that. I'll live to fight another day and lots of my friends didn't get that opportunity they didn't get the option. For their sakes as well as my own - I really shouldn't be down or in anyway negative about the situation I'm in. I still get to see my family and friends and that's a big, big positive.