I worked until 2 in the morning on my resume and my covering letter to go for the job vacancy tomorrow. Luckily Flocky Bicep invited me out for a coffee and we met up and he kindly did a quick review for me of the letter and the contents. It was good to get an independent review and it was most useful. I've changed it around based on that and found the odd typo myself! As you do.
It is late again tonight and I intend to head off to bed in a short while. I have now made all the last changes to the documents and will tidy it all up in the morning and email it off. I hope that it is sufficiently differentiated from the other candidates to stand out amongst them and to at least get me thorough the door (this time) for an interview. Keen observers may remember that about 3 years ago I was furious that there wasn't a real job there and that I had got the most awful crappy email back. Had it not been who it was I think I would have been able to go to tribunal and slaughtered them for such a crass way of dealing with things more especially as it was a done deal or a stitch up as we like to call it. I have put out feelers this time and have been told that there is a real vacancy this time. Let's hope so and let's hope that it is worth the effort expended.
Spoke to mum and you just have to get annoyed at petty officialdom and the way they are dealing with sorting out changing things after my dad has died. The Tax Office are first on my hit list as are Nat West Bank for being crass and stupid, but then what did I expect from the Tax Office and a Bank? Even Estate Agents have risen in my list above bankers and tax officials. They sure know how to upset a widow... Gits.
Anyhow, we got past that and it was nice that mum however, worked on getting dad's stuff together and bagging it up for the charity shop yesterday - she is pretty good at being practical and not moping around. She wants me to go up so we can spread dad's ashes. I'm not sure I want to go all the way up there to do that myself. I need to convince myself as for some unknown reason I'm not into all this stuff at all and would be happy for mum and my brother who live 16 miles away to do it. I have a 250/260 mile round trip and whilst I am happy to be there for my mum if she wants, I'm not sure that I'll feel anything about it.
Maybe it hasn't hit me or I'm not getting it or I've already gone through the loss stuff. Maybe I'm in the denial stage of the Kubler Ross cycle - I don't know but I just haven't really been in this grief and crying, sobbing stage (apart from on the night of his death and when he told me he had jaundice and I kind of guessed what it was).
I feel "different" and sometimes I feel a little upset about it and have been more thoughtful than I used to be. Perhaps that is just me? Maybe something will happen later on that will make it anything other than what it was - it's life and my attitude is to see all the good things he did and the good times we had. Death comes to us all, surely it is how you are remembered in your life rather than on your death? There is something to be said for some of the things you learn in life. I like the phrase "Live respected and die regretted" it is used in a Masonic ceremony and it sums up how I feel about my dad. I respected him and he did all these great things for me and then he let me get on and do my own thing. I knew he was there just in case but it wasn't his way to interfere and it wasn't his way to have any fuss made. I regret his dying of course but there never is a "good" time to go and it was his time and he'd had enough and goodness knows he suffered enough.
Of course there's the thing that screws with my head, looking at the cancer taking hold of him, and that is - it could have been me, just a few years back and it brought the fears and the worry back into focus for me. It didn't happen to me but it might have. As my aunt kindly reminded me, our family line is full of cancers - gee thanks for that cheery note :-) I suppose there is something in that but we aren't meant to live this long and something needs to get us one way or the other!
Oh well, you can philosophise all you want it isn't going to change the way things are.
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