I Wonder Quite How Strange It Is

I'm not feeling all massively upset about my dad's death.  I know, well I think I know, that it is unusual, that I'm feeling sort of neutral.  I get the odd twinge and I get a little upset at times but that's more about him sitting helpless in that bed and just the compassionate side of me, I hate suffering.

But now, dad's no longer suffering, nor is he in pain and all the horrible stuff has gone, the daily hospital grind that meant he didn't know what time of day it was, what day or month and so on.  The pressure on my mum to constantly be there for him (he was terribly demanding and mum was his true constant throughout his life), her devotion - she was there every day for him without fail even if he slept all the time she was there.


I admire that devotion, that love of my dad by her and yet I have none of that myself.  I suppose I didn't have the relationship with him that my brother and my mother had - not that I mind that, I have an inclination that I am very much like him except that I don't have the sort of bond and relationship they had.


All a bit cold fish really and yet I had a few wobbles but not for me, for others.  My brother has been so strange since we found out that dad had Pancreatic Cancer and totally absurd in some of his ideas about what dad should have done.  I liked the bit where he thought dad was being selfish (not having a massive operation) and didn't really get the irony of the situation that it was in fact he who wanted the operation to happen.  Why?  You can't have operations with low success rates just because you want someone to live longer for your own ends and means.  I've tried so hard to talk to him or rationalise stuff mainly because he has been gradually disengaging with me for years.  I have a low opinion of him now and all he does if give me reasons all the time to keep making it lower.  He's driving my mum to distraction when she really needs support and assistance and more than anything balanced understanding of what she is going for.  


You really have to see the mindless drivel he pumps out on Facebook to get the idea.  As a friend of mine said "Is he in Holy Orders?"  It feels like it.  He is also gushingly, puke invoking, vomit inducing, flesh crawlingly, chringe inducingly sentimental....  Reading a comment would induce Diabetes.


The trouble is he doesn't understand that no one wants to have His idea of a service for dad, it just isn't him and the utter bollocks he has written for the Order of Service made my mum finally say that she is "having trouble with him!" he just isn't thinking or acting straight.  I think I may now have stopped him writing cards from us with his verses on as I think he went down the shop and got a couple more cards just for his family so he can put his cheap verse (probably pulled from some second rate internet source) on them.   At least it looks as if the vicar will be able to come and talk to mum without either my brother or me there and she can tell him what sort of service she wants for dad.  Hopefully that will mean that the Order of Service (or as I like to call it - "War and Peace" written by a hooker) will actually reflect a short, poignant and dignified service.  I'm sure my brother couldn't have made it any tackier if he had bought Kiss me Quick Hats, served chips and mushy peas and have had the Dagenham Girl Pipers playing the music.