Disturbing

The disturbing thing, looking back at my dad's illness was the helplessness at the end and knowing in yourself that you couldn't move, look after yourself and away went any dignity you had.  If anything upsets me, then it is that.  we all have to die and that's a fact it's how we lived (surely) that we are measured by and my dad was one of life's quiet men, very quiet indeed.  I must ask mum when she's up to it to tell me what she would only tell me after he was dead.


The thing about this is that he never wanted a fuss made and was independent almost to the extreme.  He thought it strange that we were interested in him and mum and came over to see them etc?  Strange I know - he expected nothing from us and was always a bit taken aback if we did anything or any gesture - funny isn't it.  Mind you I'm like that, I've done my bit, provided everything I can, the framework, to the best of my abilities for my children and family and the reward is having done that no more.  I can see his point of view on that but I think I'd like to see my children grow up and fulfil their potential and do well (who wouldn't).  I'm pretty pleased that they are as balanced as they are.

So the disturbing bit though is that view I see of my dad unable to move in bed, unable to lift himself using his hands and the poor attention that they were able to give to him through lack of staff and training (in my opinion) although he was looked after OK it was only just OK.  It wouldn't happen on my watch and my brother who works in the health service was very annoyed about the lack of management there.  I shall let him go fight that one out from his lofted internal position I'm sure he will get many more answers.   Like all things I see in this life, if only someone were to take a step back, look and actually see, think and apply basic common sense then things wouldn't be half as bad as they are now.  


I see that in the late night before going to sleep and when I wake and if the truth of it be known whilst I feel sorry for him I feel dread in myself that I don't go like that, hanging around and getting weaker and weaker and being unable to influence it.  It surely is a sad thing.   I am also getting back into a dangerous state of mind about the future which is interesting, it isn't a good place to be for me as it is bordering beyond my usual self control and logical state of being, it is revolutionary and self destructive (maybe).   I am 27 years my dad's junior and suddenly it is playing on my mind that perhaps I ought to be doing something with that time, something either important or not important and frivolous or adventurous or philanthropic - I just don't know - it's just one of those feelings where you look around at all the negativity and downright nastiness that is around these days and wonder whether you could just get away from it all and go and do something that would make you happy and contented for the rest of you life, that would allow you to meet your maker and to be satisfied that you did your best and you used the time somehow better than being an arse to the rest of your fellow human beings.