I find it increasingly difficult to not be blowing between high emotion and stony cold logic, between being in a totally confused state and one of absolute certainty. In each day I flash between diametrically opposed positions with such speed that it should make me dizzy.
Tonight I flash between being upset for my mum (her birthday in ruins), my dad's health, my daughter's first day at work, the complete lack of communication between Mrs. F. and myself today and whether I really want to work or not and what I want to do. I'm absolutely nowhere at the moment and now, well now, we are into 2nd July territory and the significance of that as the day I discovered I was ill (not knowing it was cancer). I can still feel the utter revulsion and utter horror at discovering blood in my urine - and not a little - a lot.
I feel that later on when I get up I will be having a bit of a bad day - it's already on me now as I write but in many ways, perhaps with A starting work it will become a good day in the future and not be about me but about her. I often ask whether now, with her working, is my work done? I'm glad that I survived to see her Graduate and see her start work. I'm impressed that she only finished University last week and has a job the week afterwards - now that's impressive :-)
I am lifted by her achievement - I'm just not certain about my own performance at the moment - I feel I fail in so many ways and yet I'm told I beat myself up unnecessarily? Maybe that's true, I just don't have the confidence at the moment and I just don't feel right inside. Crazily enough I feel well but something keeps grabbing my thoughts and pulling me around - and I know it is my own self doubt and my own inability to deal with certain aspects of my life. Such is always going to be my problem (as an INTJ) because lots of things in life don't make any sense to me whatsoever.
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