A Birthday to Forget

Mum's birthday - she doesn't want to celebrate it and she's not sure whether dad knows it is her birthday.  I did ask my brother to sort out a card and he had already done that - bless him.  Of course, she isn't really happy at the moment and its a terrible drag on her as dad slides down towards his destiny.


Let's hope that tomorrow they can assess him and get him into the home because if nothing else the change in scenery will do him good and in addition, the view over the garden and the peace and quiet may also be helpful and maybe give him a lift.  He can have things in his room from home and mum can spend more time with him.  I certainly hope that it will be a better place for him and for mum as it is nearer the house 10 minutes not 30.  Fingers crossed that this can be achieved.


I was out with my mate on Friday and I now "get it" why I'm particularly depressed (there I've used the D word again) around this time of year and of course, it's the anniversary of our cancer journeys.  I was being freaked out by the symptoms of mine and he was just about to go into hospital and have a pretty awful procedure.  So perhaps it's the memory or the time of year that brings on this general feeling that I have.  It's even got so far as I'm even thinking of not taking the job (that I haven't even got yet) and I'm full of self doubt and just don't know what to do for the future.  Stupid I know and the trouble is that I've got an answer in my head - it just isn't the answer that I want right now.  The answer is right for me but perhaps not for everyone else and I just wonder whether that might be the thing I've been struggling with all this time?  


Perhaps that's what is taxing me and has been for ages.  I know the answer and have done for ages I just haven't the courage to carry it out.  So should you do what you want and sod everyone else when you've got commitments at home?  Should you go and do something like that?  You may think that for 2 years I've done that - but that was business.  Here in lies the problem you see, I'm doing stuff that satisfies the majority but compromises me.  


I need to work this out and that's what challenges my mind at the moment and I can't get to the answer because it splits into an emotional and a practical one.  The emotional argument may well be the answer but the practical, pragmatic me is holding onto the logical and democratic (what's good for everyone) view.  I just need to work it through and the trouble is it is such a BIG decision to make, life changing and that's the problem.  If I go one way I head off and go do my own thing or I settle back down to mediocrity and I'm certain that after the experiences of the last few years is the last thing I need.