New Season

It is a new season in the Masonic calendar and I'm off to a meeting today and I've got a job even though I'm a visitor and I'm delighted to do something.  I hope to have a good afternoon and  also to just enjoy myself.  At last, all I'm after is to just go and out and enjoy the meeting to join in and just have a great time.  I decided not to dine but to come home afterwards.  They do go on a long long time into the evening and I'd rather just go for the meeting, enjoy their company and then wander off afterwards.

I'm interested to see how it all goes and I am looking forward to meeting a lot of people I haven't seen for some time.  

So the difference in me is that I am looking forward to this (maybe I shouldn't - it isn't the moment!) but what's great is that I have no worry about it, I'm feeling good, no dread no worry and I get to see all these guys again. 

I've been really good this week, I've handled a really traumatic event and a very unpleasant one OK.  It has obviously been difficult but this new way of dealing with it and moving on is excellent.  The ability to start to see the good in everyone, to look beyond the exterior and the rhetoric and to control the emotions generated by your own mind is beginning to really help me day to day.  There are quite a few things that I need to get my head around but without doubt, the main thing is to enjoy living in the now and really enjoy being freed up from the guilt and the anguish I have lived with for all of these years.  To find a space in my head and my body where before all that was there was this huge weight is amazing.  Long may it continue and long may I continue working on it to make things better.

I feel, at last, I can get on with life again without being held back and turned away from the courses I used to "choose".  At last the self destruct switch that I held onto all the time has disappeared and I don't know (and don't want to know) where it is.  This is the switch that would find a situation that I was enjoying and then by my own actions I'd destroy - could be a job, a relationship or anything else.  Whatever it was it isn't there now.  it doesn't mean I've lost any common sense or intelligence or anything like that it does mean that I don't have to worry about bringing my own self down - it is like self assassination - if there could be such a thing :-) 

So that's gone, the fear of the future, is gone, the damaging and clawing, terrorising past, has gone.  Sure they come back but for no more than 30 seconds now and I can deal with it.  If the Black Dog wants to come take a visit, I can toss the critter a bone and it can go away again.  The film a Beautiful Mind comes "to mind" :-) when I think of this - recollect the characters who loomed real in his life and haunted him, manifesting as people he interacted with?  He managed to ignore them to realise they weren't real - they didn't perspire, didn't get old and so on.  It makes a lot of sense.  How can the past be anything other than that?  How can the future hold dread when it hasn't actually happened yet?  It's all a series of distractions and noise you just don't need, made up  by your mind and for what?  

I can't say that anyone would easily get what I'm saying at the moment but the whole point is to finally wise up to what is going on and to draw a line under it and to move on in a new light.  It is close to 15 weeks now since I started this journey.  When I'm allowed to say more, I will and then it may become even clearer.  

Enough dear reader, I've screwed with your head long enough and I'd like to to consider a question about this blog and its 7 year tenure.

Q:  Is this blog all about me, all about my Ego, all about my Pain Body (see Eckhart Tolle pain body on Google).  Is it all about wanting to give something to society or is it something else?  I'll grant it has evolved but does it help those who have Bladder Cancer or not?  

Leave you with it :-)