Without doubt I've visited everyone of these steps or stages. I really thought I had accepted it many years ago but I'm not sure if that is actually true. I certainly was immobilised this year - a sort of Depression state that actually means you cannot do anything at all - you have nothing there. And now I'm coming out the end of this 7 year journey. I have learnt so much about myself and those around me, life, the universe and all that stuff. Importantly I've got to a point where I don't feel as if I'm the victim anymore.
I met someone recently who brought me a new and valuable perspective on life and treated me differently to the way I have ever been treated before. They built me up, restored my confidence, questioned my preconceived ideas and the way I felt about myself. Thank goodness they came along, then thank goodness I got introduced to 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle which introduced some new ideas and concepts and once I read about what was going on here it was easy to change things around.
When we get to Post Embargo you will realise where we are in things and how much has changed. It all sounds very cloak and dagger but it really isn't. It's funny how people walk into your life and it's Karma sometimes - things happen for a reason and the right person at the right time and someone who finally "Got Me" for what and who I am - no preconceived ideas about what I should or shouldn't be. This all happened as I was possibly at my lowest ebb in all the years post cancer diagnosis.
Today, I have an attitude to life that has changed completely, entirely and which I try very hard to maintain. I do get the odd wobble but it's OK I can deal with it. That's the thing now, I can deal with this, I can control anger and I can stop myself beating myself up about the past and what I could have or should have been, done, etc. I can just be the best I can be and that's it. I watched people this weekend and was just there. I did have fun and a laugh and a joke - it's what I do - I'm a funny guy when I want to be and I can be quiet and attentive. I can be a ego centred bore too I'm sure. This weekend I tried to just hold that last character in check, it doesn't always work of course.
I hope that the coming week will see me move things on with the business venture and also move me closer to dropping the embargo on some of my news. I had a good weekend away and yet I am glad I am home but want to make things move on a bit now - I have to get myself organised and try and hit the Christmas Market for my web site - if the bank ever gets back to me that is :-)
I really shouldn't look back on the last 7 years with anything other than to say - "well that happened" because it isn't relevant and doesn't help me move forward (apart from the experience of course). I was told that I ought to write a book about it. I feel I've written it already because it must cover everything you'd ever feel and go through? Who knows, maybe I will write a book at some point in time, who knows what will transpire.
So 7 years on and the angst and the depression and the immobility dropped from my body like stepping out of an old wet overcoat. I'm enjoying the freedom of being in the now although it doesn't always work you have to work at it a fair bit. All I do know is that all that worrying and angst were so counterproductive and destructive to allowing me to move forward they held me in a grip of grey depression for all that time. Now I'm just about to embark on a new journey and that will be fun and fulfilling no matter how I do. But I'll do OK, I know I will, I'll enjoy doing it, it will be my privilege and pleasure to do the best that I can do and that's the best that anyone can do - do it with the right attitude and not a heavy heart - that's surely the way?
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