It has been most peculiar I have to say - since a few weeks back when I finally realised that I could get rid of all the baggage I used to carry around, that's all the legacy stuff and all the planning and dreaming stuff. It was an interesting thing because I went to bed and as I lay there I just started to do some breathing exercises - you concentrate on your breathing and the air going in and out and then your chest moving and then try and actually feel your hands and your feet and your body and concentrate on nothing else, no thought at all.
When I awoke there was nothing there at all. I have to stop myself many times a day because we are all creatures of habit and things come back but all I need do is stop, breathe a few times and concentrate on that and the thought has nowhere to go and doesn't get my attention. The same with dreams, I now smile when I get one of these future dreams and snuff it out - it isn't real.
What I'm left with is a lightness in my chest. It was always tight with knotted fear or adrenaline or something similar, some sort of dread and now it is fine and I can breathe easier and feel just great. Maybe I ought to check my blood pressure and get that appointment with the Asthma Nurse now :-)
We are still in embargo - sorry, looks like at least another 3 or 4 weeks - not of my making I'm afraid but there you go. Once we are out of embargo it will all become a lot clearer - maybe :-)
I'm working on my future and that's interesting indeed. I need to work out how I can raise some decent money being a researcher but I'm sure if I put my mind to this, anything is possible. It's nothing that a bit of hard work can't resolve. It's probably the first time that I've entered something where I know there is a medium risk that this may not work at all but I'm sort of confident that it should provide me with the sort of lifestyle I want. I can work the hours as required and build the business to suit myself. Being employed may not provide me with that option. I know other things I did also provided no return but in many ways, this is MY business and my drive and my enthusiasm and energy. I can't see why it shouldn't work as long as I commit a lot of time initially to it. After tomorrow I will have a fair idea of whether things are viable in terms of the initial thrust of the business or not.
The really great thing is though that I'm free of the past at last I can't tell you how liberating that is. All that guilt and all the nasty voices are no longer there. I don't have the premonitions and fear I used to have. My confidence is returned and my outlook is so much better. From now on what is the worst thing that can happen is a sort of unwritten motto :-)
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