Watching the detectives

Great track by Elvis Costello of course but also was interesting to be people watching yesterday.  I really enjoyed getting back into the swing of things.  I couldn't help myself in conversation letting the ego get going but once I realised what it was I changed tack and became a really good listener and answered when asked.  

I ended up talking to the girl behind the bar and listening to her woes and travails and just let her get that off her chest.

I had a few beers and travelled home and felt great.  It is strange I have to say.  I feel really quite well and light - sure I've lost weight - but this is a lightness in body because there aren't all those old doubts and worries, no beating myself up about stuff I did in the past and also nothing in the future.  

I have to say that that bit is a little concerning.  It's not that I don't have plans and some concerns about my future, but somehow it isn't significant anymore.  I was worried that I may not be able to afford to go on a nice holiday if I go run this lifestyle business and yet, in reality, does it matter as long as I'm well, warm and comfortable and can feed myself?  Where does happiness lie?

Last week I thought it lay in a different place altogether and was wholly convinced of that only to have the whole lot come crashing down around my ears.  Hence my posts of last week.  I had grand ideas and plans and as usual, I do nothing by halves.  But it was a house of cards and in the end what I perceived as foundations weren't.  I was blinded once again by my mind and my thoughts and I was so glad that I had read A New Earth by then and was able to rationalise what was going on.  In fact, reading it had already prepared me in some way because I'd already got a feeling that all wasn't to be plain sailing.

This week gone has been one of finally getting it all together and whilst there is bound to be residual bits of resistance, I'm overcoming them.  The one about my future is very keenly in my mind because I don't think it is easy to not worry about the future or consider where you'll be.  How will I pay the bills etc and yet, in reality you can't worry about stuff like that - what's the point?  Having worried all my life about stuff like that to then try and not do it is always going to be difficult.  

It's not as if somehow I've forgotten how to run a business or as some of these recruiters would have me believe that I've somehow forgotten how to work abroad or manage people and projects.   So why not go and do what I'd planned to do years ago and just get on with it and see where it takes me and to take the risks and run with them.  What's the worst that can happen?  The worst that can happen is that it doesn't work out.... Failure is always an option but it shouldn't stop you taking the chance and living.