It isn't going to be an overnight change, whatever is? I still notice I carry around "stuff" in my head but what is different is the way I'm dealing with it now. I haven't thought about bladder cancer in days - it just happens this blog reminded me. I don't feel the same way about that now either. I've got rid of all of the Monkeys on my back and the little voice, when it says anything is firmly put back in its place. I've no idea what my purpose is yet - I guess that will come eventually as will being more in the now than reliving the past, fantasising about the future and making plans and schemes that are all a bit Walter Mitty.
Early signs are good here. I wake up at peace and whilst I get the odd nagging and bitching from my head I realise what it is, stop and get rid of it and dismiss it for it isn't reality, it isn't helpful and so it can be dispatched back to whence it came and be forgotten about.
I've now got rid of the "poor me" had cancer stuff. The voice in my head is banished and the evil words that put me down for years and undermined me are now gone. I've stopped, apart from real dreams, dreaming about a future in all these places (by the sea, in the lakes and mountains, abroad dah de dah) because it will be what it will be - they are dreams and not reality and whilst it might be nice to think about doing such things is it real, is it helpful and do I need the distraction? I found them unhelpful and if you are unable to fulfil them it adds to the distraction and the feeling of not succeeding in the long run which is what the little voices say all the time.
It all sounds a bit bizarre I know, especially coming from me, but I have to say that - what? 13 weeks ago or so - it was certainly around that sort of time, I started on this journey and wasn't sure what I'd find at the end (it isn't the end by the way) and along the way major change has happened to me (still embargoed folks). Today, this morning, I feel content with my lot at last. I'm happy with who I am. In many ways I'm happy with who you are and who everyone else is too. I've got clear space in my head and my body - I no longer feel the stress of having no more room inside me to hold on to all the "baggage" that I had. I feel maybe that I've turned a corner and can no longer see anything in the rear view and in front of me is clear, bright but not defined - it isn't frightening that it is not defined, in fact that's good. Up the road there will be junctions and decisions to come but now those won't be difficult decisions any longer.
Finally I feel able to control my emotions, my brain is calm and no longer scheming all the time. I've pulled back from the madness or dysfunction of an overactive mind and entered a different, calmer place altogether. That's not to say life is not going to get stormy but that I know how I am going to deal with it in the future. I've come along way in a short time since I said enough was enough, I do feel I was heading for some sort of breakdown at the time and I knew - just knew - I had to do something about it. So many things set off back then all at once - not through my design all of them I have to say - it became a rush to get here too quickly in the beginning and yet I doubt it could have been any other way. Hunter S Thompson said "Buy the ticket, take the ride" I believe. What a ride and you still only know half of it :-)
So I'll leave you with the possibility that you can find some peace in this troubled world, you can actually accept what is going on around you and you can find that you can get rid of the voices and also stop the past haunting you. I'd recommend the book a New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and (if you can cope with Oprah - bless her she does grate on me a bit) you can catch the web casts on Youtube of her and Eckhart there are 10 of them 1 - 9 are 1.5 hours long and No 10 is 2 hours. Now it's best to have read the book first or read the chapter before you see the web cast. I read the book in about 3 days flat and I've watched the webcasts at one or two a day - sorry Oprah :-) It may be that I find our cousins in the USA a little too nasally or self righteous (that's an over generalisation) but if you can cut through all the ego (that isn't meant to be there and the pontificating) then the actual stuff that Eckhart Tolle discusses and shares may resonate with you.
It has totally restored the balance in me about religion and its place in society and there are some useful techniques to just be still, calm down, get rid of all the negativity in you and so on. Worth 15 1/2 hours of your life - but do concentrate on the book and the videos.
So here I am, I said Peace? Well maybe for me at last and I actually do think that now. I am so different now, so calm. Sure I get angry or upset as we all do but I can recognise it, stop it and do something about it, that's the difference now, I have the ability to see it and do something about it quite quickly. I have yet to give it the "idiot test" but let's see. I have no seething anger anymore, I'm not off on some wild fantasy filled scheme I'm not reverting to the past and I'm not beating myself up all the time. I'm not worried anymore about the future, where I will work, what I will do and how I will live. I can't do anything about it.
So I can't undo the past neither should I regret it or fret about it - what good is that?
I can't live in a future fantasy as it doesn't exist and doesn't happen and also I shouldn't be worried about it as it hasn't happened?
I need to live now, today and concentrate on that.
So - finally - after 7 years or more - some sort of closure and some sort of coming to terms with it all. Long may that continue because finally I am at peace with myself and finally I am empowered to move forward positively and to cast off all the emotional baggage I've accumulated all these years. :-)
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