I'm still feeling great and happy, above all I am happy and I can't even begin to tell you what that is like after all this time of carrying a pile of baggage around with me. It really feels like I've lost about 3 or 4 stone. I am breathing well, my heart rate is down - I'm guessing but haven't tested it that my blood pressure is way down too. My real weight is also down and dipped below 15 stone so I'm an even happier bunny..
I feel a bit like some sort of evangelist but I don't want to ram my "enlightenment" down your throat at all. Because half of the story is missing (and will be for a while I'm afraid) I can only hint at what happened here. Some of my close friends know so it's not as if I'm not boring the hell out of them :-) Bless them, they've been great all the way through but more so in the last 15 weeks - yes 15 weeks today!!!!
In 15 weeks I've lived a lifetime of experiences and emotions and finally made the changes I knew I wanted to make. They didn't come about in the way I had planned at all but the journey was part of the destination (if that isn't a strange thing to say). I haven't arrived at the destination yet but the journey has had more plot twists than a Christopher Nolan film :-)
The me of 16 weeks ago is hardly identifiable with the me of today. Gone are all the anxieties and worries I had then and gone are all the heavy guilt and self flagellation baggage that I carried around with me. Gone is the guilt trip of living after cancer and the guilt of not dying. Gone the worries about what people thought about me, gone the "whole world is against me", gone the need to "get even" with my foes. As my friend often said to me "Let It Go Louie"
Absolutely - it's all gone. No need to get all rattled about the past, no need to get worried about the future either. Once you get that into your head, everything else drops away and so that's why I'm in a good place.
So happy and being in a happy place? I find it amazing as I should really be in bits and all upset and miserable with my lot and yet I'm not at all. Suddenly it all makes sense and from the ashes of my past life and the last 15 weeks journey when I've built huge monuments to life and ripped them down and torn down the dusty veils behind my eyes I've finally arrived here and can start to live again. The freedom is incredible, the feelings of space and lightness are palpable and the ability to identify my own thoughts and ego and pain body trying to get at me is so acute that I can catch it pretty quickly and deal with it and almost laugh at it and deal with it. That's the trick to work out the stupidity behind worrying about all these things, taking on board all that worry when it is totally unnecessary to do so.
There is someway still to travel and who knows what I will find and what I'll experience then. The main thing is not to worry about it and to just roll with the moment.
It is difficult to explain further here but someone who means a lot to me who holds a very special place in my affection, my heart and my mind gave me a magical gift all those weeks back when I started this journey. Whether they knew it or not they gave me back my self esteem and self confidence. They had been missing for years and just needed awakening. They spent a lot of time rebuilding me and putting me back together and through patient industry, tenderness and love gave me the strength to go away and tear down the old and come through it to where I am now. It feels like a Caterpillar to Butterfly transformation and whilst I had to do that myself, the catalyst, the motivation, the person that lit the touch paper was there encouraging and supportive.
You need friends like that too - those who pick you up, dust you down and set you on your way again. If you were locked in jail they wouldn't bail you out because they'd be sitting next to you saying "Hell what a ride!" :-)
So happy and being in a happy place? I find it amazing as I should really be in bits and all upset and miserable with my lot and yet I'm not at all. Suddenly it all makes sense and from the ashes of my past life and the last 15 weeks journey when I've built huge monuments to life and ripped them down and torn down the dusty veils behind my eyes I've finally arrived here and can start to live again. The freedom is incredible, the feelings of space and lightness are palpable and the ability to identify my own thoughts and ego and pain body trying to get at me is so acute that I can catch it pretty quickly and deal with it and almost laugh at it and deal with it. That's the trick to work out the stupidity behind worrying about all these things, taking on board all that worry when it is totally unnecessary to do so.
There is someway still to travel and who knows what I will find and what I'll experience then. The main thing is not to worry about it and to just roll with the moment.
It is difficult to explain further here but someone who means a lot to me who holds a very special place in my affection, my heart and my mind gave me a magical gift all those weeks back when I started this journey. Whether they knew it or not they gave me back my self esteem and self confidence. They had been missing for years and just needed awakening. They spent a lot of time rebuilding me and putting me back together and through patient industry, tenderness and love gave me the strength to go away and tear down the old and come through it to where I am now. It feels like a Caterpillar to Butterfly transformation and whilst I had to do that myself, the catalyst, the motivation, the person that lit the touch paper was there encouraging and supportive.
You need friends like that too - those who pick you up, dust you down and set you on your way again. If you were locked in jail they wouldn't bail you out because they'd be sitting next to you saying "Hell what a ride!" :-)
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