More Delays

I'm afraid that the Embargo stays and at least another week I think.  

In the interim I leave you with the consideration about how you see people.  I've been thinking about the people I know and after reading a A New Earth have been able to relate to some of the areas of that book.  But one thing struck me about a couple of people I know and that is that their - I'll use the word beauty - shines out of them.  When I think about them, I realise that they have a sort of aura about them, a glow of goodness if you will.  They appear to be quite normal human beings in the normal run of things but when you look deeper and longer and begin to think about these people and in some ways study them it is obvious that they have something very special about them.

I find myself now more interested in them.  i know already that they are good people.  They "care" for me and that's nice, they care for others too and their lives appear to be ones where they willingly give of their time and help others along.  In some ways I like to think that I am similar to that.  Not sure I have the presence or charisma that they have though.  

I'm wrestling with my emotions at the moment as I react to the changes in me in these past 11 (or is it 12) or so weeks.  It sure is a roller coaster of a ride up and down and bigs highs and massive disappointments as I struggle to bring myself out of 7 years (or more) of what I think can only be considered to be Depression.  I don't think I qualify for full breakdown as I've not actually had the incapacity piece - I've had long periods of inaction but have been able to get on with things albeit not always great constructive things.

The hardest thing is to actually get around to "loving yourself" or perhaps accepting yourself and who you are.  It's not at all easy to do that and that is exactly where my problem lies.  I've been particularly hard on myself and not accepted who I am, what I am and all those good things.  More so now, I want to go beat myself up for all the things I did and that didn't work out or the way I approached my life especially these past 7 years and as another very good friend oftens says to me (after the Budweiser Frog Advert...) "Let it go Louie!"  And so I am doing so, in many ways I'm not built to "Non, je ne regrette rien" I regret nothing but actually that's EXACTLY what I have to do.  It's all happened, it's all history.  The stuff I just typed is in the past now, it's happened, you've read it, it's happened.

Training myself to be in the NOW is very difficult.  I am a man of plans and schemes, stratagems and tactics, theorems and reviews.  I play hundreds of scenarios all the time in my head, that's what I do and how I'm built.  It pleases me that I do these things but it has a down side which is that I operate outside of the NOW I tend to be working for things in the future and more and more they weren't being fulfilled.  My plans and ideas weren't working like they used to and that's a bit disturbing.  I am normally so confident and assured and yet in the last 7 years not much has gone right.  As some people will realise - how on earth you can plan anything when you have cancer is beyond them and of course how on earth I thought I could do anything like that too was arrogant in the extreme (although not to my mind it wasn't).

So here I am - I'm actually in a good places and most of the time I'm very happy - with occasional slides into a sort of mini sulk or depression if you like.  It isn't ever going to be easy to change yourself but the good thing is I'm out of the rut.  I actually am getting on and doing things now and beginning to operate as a human being again.  That's good in itself.   Things are getting better and I hope that the progress I am making will continue.  As usual I want it all to have happened and be effective now.  In reality it will take me a few years I think but of course my head wants it changed now.  Because it doesn't always work out my head doesn't always get it :-)  One day it will I just have to keep working at it.