A Few Beers

Last night were just what was needed to cheer me up. We also had some seafood which was great - nothing quite like Cockles, Mussels and Prawns to go with your beer.

I really needed that and it was good to get so much off of my chest about the job and the hassle.

So good did I feel that I wrote my resignation and posted it off about half an hour ago.

I can't say that I feel immediately better now that I have done it because I know that there are some people who have to stay behind and take all the flak that is coming down the track at them.

I will probably feel good about it tomorrow.

And it continues

This is unusual to feel quite so rough on the Thursday following the treatment. This isn't the typical side effects though. This is fatigue caused through a completely disturbed sleep pattern, ache around my stomach area and still the need to be quite near to the facilities.

If any of the main side effects persist then other action needs to be taken like get back into hospital. These are just aches and pains.

No Wonder Some People

Give up on their treatment. I can still feel this one. Cumulative effect is spot on. Did this ever give me something to moan about. I was really slow getting out of bed this morning and feel really knocked about. I like saying like getting hit by a truck but it is as if you get knocked over and you feel bruised and battered.

Thank goodness that I don't have to go back until late January 2008. At least I get Christmas off. Who would have thought that you would have a bigger set of side effects when you didn't have cancer than when you did.

I'm still not complaining - if it keeps me healthy I can cope with the occasional whack from a truck.

That wasn't so good

Blimey - that was a bad one. I was OK until about 7 last evening and then it was like having a 2nd treatment all over again. I was dashing to the toilet a lot and had all sorts of wreckage dropping out of me :-( I managed to get to sleep again about 10 which was good.

I woke at 3 am and found that I couldn't sleep, I managed to hang around for a short while but kept having to get up and go to the toilet and then decided that the best thing was to go downstairs. I had an early breakfast - about 5 am and some more tablets and have sat in my armchair all day until now. Thanks goodness for Paracetamol and Ibuprofen!

At least that is the last one this year. It really has left me very sore around the stomach. I hope to get a good night's sleep and to be a lot brighter tomorrow.

Last one this year

Just going to get myself fed and watered and then start the preparation. Thank goodness it is the last treatment of 2007. I remember having the six treatments and then thinking after three - only another three to go. At least this way, the whole deal is done in 14 days - well 15 if we include recovery tomorrow.

Work proves to be challenging at the moment. The boss seems to think that digging into the minutiae will save him from the big problems coming down the way.

Oh well - perhaps I just walk away from this if it isn't fixed by Friday. Seems hardly worth the effort really and the guy is not worth trying to help.

Well here I am

2 in the morning and wide awake wondering quite what on earth my mind can really be doing at this early (or late) hour. Of course it is work again. My mind is going like crazy on this business trouble we are having. Not the trouble - if it all comes to nothing - so be it. It is more that if it comes about that we get things going again it will be a manic 3 or 4 months.

My mind is going through all the plans and operational stuff a business needs to have in place. Something that I wish the previous people had put their minds to!

One of those days

I managed to trudge through getting my expense up to date. That took all afternoon! It is amazing how much it all came to. Tomorrow I intend to try and clear my desk a little more. Here's hoping.

Does it really matter - revisited

You know, somethings really do matter to me - more now than before I got cancer and people and their trust and their respect matter to me. I hold ideals and morals about how I deal with most people (until the point at where I have tried my best).

I'd like to really go out of my way and teach someone a salutary life message - but it will hurt so many other people around that one individual. Bit of a dilemma - bring down the house of cards myself or let it fall. Try and help or walk away?

It matters to me that one person may be able to wreck so many lives and yet not be reviewing their own actions and the damage they cause along the way Stop that person doing damage and those around take the fall too.

Life really isn't fair - we just try and be as fair as we can I suppose. If he makes me feel this bad
then perhaps I need to walk away. I didn't cause the problem, maybe I shouldn't be the one to prolong it either.

Does it really matter

And is it important and do I care?

You get to reevaluate things and you get a new attitude - I don't know if it is insight so much as just having a reference point that is now a lot different to other people's. For example, does it really matter about some trivial problem - or to get worked up about it or to need all the stress and hassle when, there are worse things in life?

I now have - perhaps - too much of that attitude - if all else fails I can walk away and get on with the life I have left. Problems are not problems - what is the worst that could happen?

Don't get me wrong I still get involved in all of this stuff on a day to day basis but I have the backup of being able to say "enough is enough" I can walk away and it won't hurt me or the family. That is a real luxury to have. I still like the idea of having a powerful job and making a difference but if I had to give that up, then perhaps I would now. Life isn't a rehearsal.

Yes I did remove a few day's worth of blog entries

Apologies - I was venting some frustration about the people I am working with and realised that it was inappropriate to question their sanity in quite the way I did.

However - as you can gather it is 1 in the morning and I have had very little sleep this week - you can imagine that I am not impressed that their actions are causing me to lose sleep.

Other than that - I am still a little bit stingy still after this week's treatment. Only one more to go this year! This time last year of course I was having my first lot of BCG treatment and was in a lot worse state than I am in now. I look back on the year and consider myself to be very lucky indeed.

Not a good night's sleep

Caused by concerns over the business and also the treatment. I tend to be very warm on the Wednesday following treatment and feel as if I have been hit in the Stomach or just below. Whilst I am glad that I didn't have the typical week 2 effects - I do think that this one is a little worse than normal. However, better to be whinging because I don't have cancer than whinging because I do (I think that made sense).

Anyway back to work!

Difficult not doing anything

I found today quite difficult - not doing anything - I tried not to answer the phone either.

The trouble I now have is that I actually don't feel up to tomorrow's round of problems. The business stuff really is a mess and I can jump in and sort it out or perhaps - what I ought to do - is to leave them to it.

I think I may just give them another few weeks and if they come to their senses then I can sort things out for them - if not, perhaps I need to let them taste the foul medicine.

Life is too short to work with people who aren't taking your advice and digging themselves a large hole. I don't like seeing people fail but perhaps that is what is needed?

Perhaps I should take time now to make all those lifestyle changes I promised myself?

Not the worst by any means

That Catheter hurt this time which induced a stinging and a sharp pain every now and again meaning that you wince, double up and have quite a sharp intake of breath. Perhaps the Nurse, on her own, was rushing about? It meant I looked a little comic walking out of the Hospital and was pretty much unable to do anything except lie down yesterday.

The side effects were moderately bad this time, not the worst I have had on a second one as before - thank goodness - but significant enough to make me feel very tender around the middle this morning and I am still getting the pain described above to remind me as well.

I followed the usual routine and so Ibuprofen and Paracetamol have done their jobs. I have left the phones on answerphone and intend to take things very easy today. I overdid it last week and so this week I intend (as far as it is possible for me) to do nothing for the rest of the day.

Rituals

Have had the Shower. Laid out the pills by the side of my bed. MP3 player there as is my notebook to make sure that I capture what happened to me at each treatment and in case anyone need to know for emergencies.

This treatment can result in some very serious side effects and it is worth keeping a note. I don't publish that set of notes in here as it is boring and a little gory and detailed. You know, how big and the composition of the bits falling out of me :-( Yuk!

I am just waiting a few minutes before setting up the old towels, bleach tablets and bottles, disposable gloves and detergent wipes in the bathroom. I have an old towel under me in bed but I haven't needed that since the first lot of treatment - then it was needed because of how much work the BCG was doing.

Morning flown by

Which is great and why oh why do people insist on calling me as I am trying to get my last food and drink down my neck prior to having to have no fluids for 2 hours? I don't like to be rude but I did have to hurry them along a bit.

So this is the one that in the past sort out the men from the boys eh? I'll probably end up being a Mouse on this one :-) as someone once said it isn't for sissies!

I was about to go on about it but, it hasn't happened yet so perhaps it is best to just see what happens. I hope the catheter goes in better than it did last week though :-(

Oh well, just 1 1/2 hours to go - time to go and get all of my stuff ready.

One for the mathematicians

After tomorrow's treatment can I actually be half way through?

With a course of 3 treatments I doubt I can say that I am half way through if I have had two but it is halfway in time of course. It was funny that someone said that it was halfway and in fact it is 2/3rds of the way!

I am getting ready for it to be bad - like both previous times I think the body over reacts to this one. The first one it probably gets quite a surprise and this time it is ready to fight it off.

Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Saturday

I didn't want to be working but find myself doing so again. Why do people use their own initiative and then find that their initiative is wrong.

Dumb!

As for me - feeling OK - Getting ready for Monday andtreatment No.2. And if you know anything about my previious treatments - this is the real shaker of a treatment - I reckon the body just goes into meltdown on this one :-) MMmmm Looking forward to that as a Turkey looks forward to Christmas

Cramp

Middle of the night - blimey it was a bad one and I could hardly move I was then awake for three or more hours as my brain went back to the earlier meeting.

I think that these Statins can give you cramps - I don't want another like that - it still hurts.

Still have the job

Not a surprise really. It was emotionally charged - but at least common sense erupted in the end!

I shudder to think what they will come up with next.

Today should mark a turning point

Finally we get a room full of investors together and I can address some of the problems that they face.

It seems crazy to me that we are going into a meeting where two sides know what they want to get out of the meeting and yet one party is going to be very disappointed, perhaps upset about it all.

Me? I will either have a job by the end of the day or I wont. If I don't have a job then I doubt that there will be too much to worry about as it isn't the end of the world. It would be disappointing but not the end of the world.

Slow day

I was slow up this morning. Yes, I had been for a few beers last night but I felt very tired - I put this down to not resting enough yesterday.

I expect next week to be worse and to knock me about severely - I plan to definitely not try and work on the Tuesday next week.

What a nice surprise

A friend from years ago turned up and drove a long way to see us.

We didn't actually go for the bubbly. I had offered to buy some Champagne but no - no one wanted any.

But it was really great that we celebrated. I do have a problem though I just cannot drink like I used to. I really notice that now and it has only been the past few months that have proved it to me.

It is time to change yet another part of my life then - drink will have to go the way of salt and fatty foods.

Yeek - what is there left for your old age :-)

Whoa

What was that just came flying out? That was a shock - you forget that this stuff strips your bladder lining and a great big piece just flew out.

Yuk.

Note to self - "I must stop being so Cavalier about my treatment"

I forget how serious this is - perhaps a defence mechanism but I need to remind myself occasionally that this is serious.

You Forget

How this feels and how it makes you feel afterwards.

I know though that despite feeling I was OK and didn't want to lie in bed that it was the best place for me.

As it was the first one - things weren't so bad. I has some blood and bits but nothing overly grizzly. The stinging and aching were worse than I remember. I am also expecting next week to be far worse. The 2nd one has been the worst in all cases previously so I am going to prepare for that for next week.

I feel like my lower back has been hit and it feels bruised and my joints (Hips, Knees, Ankles, Shoulder, Elbows and Wrists) ache slightly.

Other than that - I don't feel too bad at all.

Ouch

I had quite forgotten the moment the catheter goes in for the first time and muscles its way past your Prostate and pushes past the little sphincter and into your bladder. Eyes watering and those stress relievers earned their money today.

The Urology Nurse is great though and things are over and done soon. I am between the end of the first session and getting ready for bed. I have done my normal thing, had my tablets and so on and thought I'd jut top by here.

I found out today that I am on the European Protocol. I get three of these, a nine week break, another three and then wait twelve weeks and horror of horrors I have to go back in for another operation and biopsies. I was pretty upset about that, I thought I was going to get a flexible cystoscopy - not nice but to have to go through all of that again and a week off is something I wasn't expecting. Something I will have to live with though I suppose.

Right I can feel stinging again and need to go a lie down.

Well - Here I am

All scrubbed up clean and ready to go. In about 30 minutes I'll have had the procedure and can come home and do my usual turning and bleaching the loo and all of that stuff.

I suppose this time I can actually say that It is easy to work out. After today, I am already a third of the way through. Next week 2/3rds (you could say half way but 2/3rd is much better) and then 14 days time it will all be over for a while.

Nice.

I have just about got all of my things back into the "action" position. All I need to do now is get the pills ready and my note book so I can jot down my symptoms etc.

Not looking forward to this

I suppose I should be grateful that I didn't get much warning about the BCGs.

The problem is that it is only a few hours away and I know that I am going to feel rough for 24 hours if not a bit longer.

I must focus my mind on the fact that last time I was there that I had bladder cancer and this time, I don't. That means that what we did then mean that I am cancer free now and that it was those treatments that made it so.

Nothing quite focuses the mind as having a BCG instillation.

So back to BCG

Funny how a friend of mine thought these were injections - he was quite shocked when I told him what was really going on!

There is never a good time for things to happen. Tomorrow really isn't a good time but the guys will have to learn to live with it.

I'm not sure when my man arrives back from Canada as all the plans he made without original reference to me are all gone to pot - I did warn that this might happen but towards the end of the Month. I suppose it is good to get it out of the way. I doubt I will feel that happy about it tomorrow.

I now need to prepare myself for these and get all my stuff lined up ready. As my Urology Nurse said to me last time I met her. "You shouldn't be disappointed if we continue to meet as it means that you will be getting better!" Too right I am - I no longer have cancer and I still can hardly believe it.

Nimrod

Elgar's Nimrod will be played tomorrow at the Remembrance service.

That one piece of music reduces me to a shaking mass and so it should I think.

Every year I stay at home and I watch the 11th Hour of the 11th Day and I do remember. As a family we lost 15 or more of my relatives to make the world free as it is today.

I absolutely know that up until Nimrod is played I will be OK. After that I will be "in bits". My family will be at the local church on Church Parade with the Rainbows and Girl Guides (I am proud that my children are young leaders in that organization)

The sacrifice is just beyond imagination.

Unexpected things

How nice is it that someone you really like just turns up and gives you a great big kiss and says how wonderful the news is?

A very old friend of mine did just that tonight! How fortunate I am to have such friends!

How do I explain the lipstick on my collar?

The downside of being cancer free

Is that you think to yourself that it is all over and in fact it isn't - there is the maintenance to be gone through and there is a bit in the back of your mind resenting the fact that I am going to be "curled in a ball" for the next three weeks or as someone said to me - 15 days I suppose that is so when I get three zaps on three successive Mondays.

Now - I know what you are thinking because my brain is saying the same - it is just so strange how your emotions get in the way of the unavoidable logic of the situation.

I get annoyed with the fact that my emotional brain just is never satisfied. I suppose that is the thing that makes us all human!

A bit of a shock - Zapp

I have an appointment for Monday - to Start my 3 maintenance shots.

I really wasn't expecting them to be this fast and so I get my first Zap on Monday at 2 pm

It would have been difficult enough over the next two weeks with the travel schedule I had been set (not that I had agreed to it). Now it is impossible.

That will go down lead balloon like on Monday.

Back to reality

Some people make you scream. My boss phoned me up whilst I was having breakfast to ask me where I was - so I told him that I was sitting in a chair eating my breakfast. A he didn't quite get that - I told him that it was very tasty but getting cold. The next comment drew what can only be called the most aggressive thing I have said to anyone in a long time - which was that he wanted to know where I was not where I was. During part of this conversation I asked why he wanted to know and what level of granularity he felt that he would like the data in, was I perhaps permitted to go for a p1ss I believe passed between us at one point.

It has been a hard week and it is going to get harder next week and for a few more weeks to come. I think that we managed to get a change in the business before all hell broke loose. Something not quite like all hell is actually going to break loose next week but it wont be as bad a all hell - if you get what I mean.

Of course - the next blog will tell you some more of why that is going to be difficult!!

Better - much better

I managed to stop the ball spinning today and so I hope to have the right amount of time to sort out the things I need to do this week.

Life is going to be a bit hectic for the next month at least. Trying to bring order to chaos is great if you have people to do it. If you are just a couple of you then life gets hectic indeed.

I must go and get ready - I am on the road for a couple of days now.

Not sure I like this being all clear - it means I have to work for a living again:-)

Slowing Down

Got to slow down. The job is annoyingly stressful at the moment. It doesn't need to be at all - it jut is because it is the transitional period between one way of working and another. Bringing order to chaos is difficult it is like stopping an Ocean going Super Tanker. Apply the brakes and - something might happen in a weeks time :-)

The trouble is that it needs this injection of energy and determination and we are fighting each other - me to take on my job and the other guy doesn't want to lose it or let go easily (even though he knows he must!)

So - note to self - calm down and slow down and say No and mean No.

I know all of this - I just need to practice what I preach. It should be fun.

Full circle

Imagine - if you will - a small village in the middle of Yorkshire - quite sleepy really - a pub - a few restaurants and a nice Church. That is where I used to stay and work a few villages away.

As you may remember - the job I loved and I got made redundant earlier this year was in an adjacent sleepy village.

How spooky is this?

the company I now have the pleasure of being a director for is based no more than 400 yards from the place I used to stay.

Spooky if you think of all the places I could have chosen to work.

What are the chances of that?

Modern Medicine is Wonderful

To think that I had a serious tumour and CIS and a bladder full of cancer - isn't modern surgery and medicinal practise brilliant in that some 15 months later I can tell you that it is gone?

Wow.

And the winner is

Well - me actually.

It feels like a night at the Oscars - The Nomination for those patients most likely to be Cancer Free are.....

And after I get the award I have to list out the thank yous.

I'd like to thank:

My Consultant
Her Team
Nurses and Staff at the Hospital
Urology Nurses
Anesthetist
My GP (well one of them anyway)
My family
My Friends
My Insurance Company
My Employer at the time

And everyone who knows me, has said a kind word, encouraged me or helped in any way.

And so on and on it goes.

Still I am amazed that I am clear - now begins the next phase of the plan. Keeping me cancer free and getting fit and healthy again.


As for my Agent :-) He'll just take his 10% as usual no doubt!

We really are Poo at doing parties

I have no idea why this is. My Uncle and Aunt had an 80th Birthday party and we had a good time but, our side of the family just aren't party animals. My parents never were and I grew up not really going to or contributing much to family parties.

Now - as a young man - I did some serious partying and going to gigs and concerts etc but - we don't as a family and we never have thrown parties for anything - excepting my 50th which, as you know, was brilliant (for me and my mate G - we enjoyed ourselves!).

I'm disappointed that our family is so fragmented and that we don't get together that often - We used to say Marriages and Funerals (and Christenings). Tonight I saw my cousin's children for the first time in 12 years! I gave up going to the Genesis 30th anniversary bash at Charterhouse School. I felt bad that only I managed to get there and my immediate family didn't.

I find that particularly sad. I know my wife's family better than I know my own. I believe there are some historical reasons behind all of this but, you know, it would have been just lovely to see everyone together just one more time and that is, unfortunately, the sort of time we are entering. My Uncles are brilliant and together with my Dad are the three stooges (sorry if you aren't old enough to remember them). They have to be the funniest men on the planet and 10 or 15 minute in their company you are likely to wet yourself laughing. What I would give to have everyone together for a party. That is highly unlikely. My Dad doesn't go out much and we all live such busy lives and we all have such different backgrounds and live mile and miles away now.

I respect every-one's right not to be close - but on occasions, like tonight, I really wanted to have all the family there and to enjoy each other's company like we used to 30 years ago. I felt that it would have been nice for them and for me to have had that - however - I am always treated well and always fussed over so I really shouldn't complain. You know it would have been good to celebrate my news with my own family don't you think? Or am I being just a little bit "edgy" on that :-) ?

For every good one

I was thinking today, as you do, for every time my Consultant said good news to someone on Thursday, how many other people did she deliver not such good news to?

A young girl who went in before me was hardly in there for 2 minutes came out with a smile, I know I did. Some of the others didn't look that happy.

Something to ponder I suppose. It must be a difficult job. There you are delivering good and bad news. You'd almost want to arrange your appointments to get all the bad stuff out first and then do nothing but good news for the rest of the day.

Stages

I referred to Kubler Ross in some of my earlier blogs HERE and HERE.

This is where you go through a number of emotions until finally you accept your fate, adjust and then learn to live with it and then go beyond that to accepting it.

I'm almost in the last phases of that. I'm really happy about the results and I am delighted that I am now free of cancer. I am guessing that I am going to be disappointed in some weeks or months time to be having the BCG treatment again BUT I just need to temper that with the reason I am on maintenance. We are a strange animals, never satisfied with what we get given. I will certainly not be liking the fact that I am on maintenance and the flexible cystoscopy is not my favourite thing to ram up my Urethra but there you go - needs must

I'd rather be having that than having the last 15 months of tension and stress.

Do I really want all this hassle?

The new job is one of the biggest challenges I have ever undertaken and it will demand of me a lot of time and effort when, perhaps, I should be concentrating on getting out and celebrating and doing things I have always wanted to do.

I actually want to do this though. It is a real challenge and quite interesting in the way I am having to be quite tough and determined in the face of someone who "just doesn't get it". Lovely person but has no idea why Company Law was put in place and why I have to follow it. Tidying up after him is a joke but you know it is going to eventually come out OK.

I'm enjoying this. Straight out of one challenging situation and into another.

It gets better and better

The feeling that is. I can hardly believe it even now. If you want to feel on top of the world then - actually - I wouldn't go down this route at all - but it does make you feel brilliant and you just feel better and better.

I wonder when the euphoria wears off?

What do you think?

Do you reckon that it is time to fill in some lottery numbers today or would that be tempting fate?

Wednesday appointed to the board of Directors
Thursday - all clear - I get my life back
Friday - ???????

What a week - yesterday was Christmas - in fact it was all of them rolled into one!

Laugh or Cry?

I wasn't sure which to do - I laughed a lot more than I cried though. Or perhaps was wearing my very best "Bemused" grin.

We did what any red blooded male would do and I ended up at three pubs in total. So the pub crawl was complete and I got home about midnight. Not bad considering I started at Lunchtime!

I don't really have much of a hangover to speak of either which again - I really should have considering how much I drank yesterday.

Maybe I am allowed to have that one night off!

OMG

I didn't expect to get the reactions I got. After 1 /3/4 hours wait - I got to see my Consultant.

Handkerchiefs ready? All clear - or "no abnormalities found" as they say.

NUMB

Thanks to all my friends who turned up, phoned and just turned up for the impromptu celebrations.

I was shaking so much when I came out that I could hardly hold my phone. Now I have tears in my eyes writing this.

Again thanks to everyone who just turned up - it meant so much to me.

Have to sign off now as I can't see much through the tears of being at home and being cancer free.

I can't tell you more than the fact that I am just shaking even now and getting very emotional about it.

I cannot even begin to explain to you the utter relief I am feeling or the joy at having so many people come along and join in my celebration of life.

Here we go

Thursday morning. I am up early and a little nervous of course. Only 3 hours to go and I can find out what my future holds.

It isn't quite like going to the Palm Reader though.