OK - Now Just Get Over It Already

 It's over.  It's been 11 years since you last met her / saw her and whilst you occasionally drop a note to each other and so on, it just isn't going to happen is it?  

You see, I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic and we couldn't carry on because of complicated circumstances and whilst I accept that was what it was, I never really stopped loving her and that's a problem isn't it I suppose?  It's that we couldn't be together was the limiting factor and me hoping that anything might have changed in that setup is just wishful thinking and fanciful romantic mindset.

It's her birthday today and I sent an e-card and a copy of my playlist that I made recollecting our interest in music and the songs we liked.  I don't know whether that was worth doing really?

So here I am feeling OK about things, after eleven years that should be the case as what else can I do? I can't force the situation and I cannot change her circumstances and I suppose I cannot change my circumstances either.

Get over it I tell myself and I will in a day or so.  The music from the playlist goes around in my head for now though and one song in particular is giving me the ear worm.  She said she liked the playlist and of course, that's not surprising given how we shared these things together.

I am still working out what I intend to do with myself really.  I don't feel that my current situation is entirely good for me and I imagine that has set off my wanting to look back at an amazing time in my life?  I need to work out what I am to do and this week will release me of some outside commitments and that may help me to get off my arse and actually do something - there's plenty to do in and around the house but I'm doing most of this stuff on my own and rarely get any assistance.  Maybe that's it?  

Wow, what a time I had eleven years ago.  Such a shame it didn't work out. 

Moving On

 Reflecting on the past.  I'm not sure if that is good or bad really.  My daughter is running for CancerUK tomorrow - I've only just found out.  Super proud of her and have made a donation as she is running in memory of my dad. her grandfather and me.  That's touching. 

I spent last night and this morning listening to a playlist of music I made remembering 2013 and what it all meant to me.  The TV seemed to remind me that Sir Andy Murray won Wimbledon for the first time in 2013.  It was a year of two halves and mixed emotions as well as a seminal year as I met and lost the "love of my life" split with my wife of 32 years not related incidents BTW.  The latter had been on the cards for some years but I had waited until the children were grown up, ready to leave the nest so to speak and that I would not disrupt their University or Schooling.

The music is quite a thing as all the tracks are specific ones that she and I shared at the time and a few that reminded me of that time.  It is strange how I'm both emotional about that and appreciative if that makes sense.  I would have dropped everything to be with her, everything and my head was full of plans for the future but the main thing wasn't that it was how she made me feel, how it changed my life, how things could have been, what was important and in some ways I can look back with both a tear and a smile at the same time.  Imagine, if you will, a warm summer's day, near a river, a weeping willow tree, a picnic rug and two people lying there in the warmth of the day.  The temperature is just right, the insects are buzzing and humming but not near you, the river is smooth and just the odd fish surfacing.  Just a perfect day, the sort that you dream of and that is how it feels both then and now.

For that alone I should be thankful and not sad and yet, how perfect things would be if the outcome had been different?  It's all very Mills & Boon but that's exactly how I felt and when I look back how I remember the feeling.  For many reasons it could not be.  How I cursed my luck that having found someone that I'd give it all for, I was unable to complete the journey with them.

Oh well, poor me 😄 onward and upwards as the saying goes.  BUT, I'd give it all up right now if I could, love conquers all.  Somewhere else we are together, deliriously happy and living our best lives.  Lucky man, lucky couple, head over heels...

Eleven Years Today

The Hotel, the emotions, the symbolism, the love (yes the love).  Eleven years on and it didn't turn out the way this old romantic wanted it to.  It never could have, well I say never, perhaps in a parallel universe we are together.

It's nice, every now and then to reflect and remember with great fondness a magical time in my life when I was going through hellish times.  

I found the Cancer journey more of a mind problem and the 28th June 2013 was a brief release from all of that.  A chance of escape and dreamer that I am, it all looked so rosy and wonderful - a future of proper shared love and genuine interests shared but it was not to be.  

I was both elated and destroyed at the same time. Genuine connections and proper love but it was not to last through circumstances beyond my control.  I would have done anything at all to be with my Angel for the rest of my life.  However, not at their expense and it's best that the right thing to do was to part.  Very hard thing to do.

Do I?  Yes of course I do.  Reminiscing is lovely and painful.  Like today, a little anniversary of a very special time and it could have been like that forever. Yet, here I am reflecting on that wonderful time (for that's what I remember - not the disappointment) fully knowing it could and can never be.  I have another live now and that's where I am, in the now. 

Ugh The Claustrophobia Dream Again

 I know that it is a "learned" phobia but I've had this since I was a child, hate getting on crowded trains and buses and the Underground was a necessary evil; I abhorred that!   Crowded rooms, concerts, cinemas and sometimes it's fine and others I get panicky and sometimes I can breathe through it.

It was hot last night so I got permission to put my cooler on - it makes a bit of a noise I have to say and around two in the morning, there was one of the recurring dreams.  It isn't me going into a crowded space, it is this chap who has done it for years and squeezes himself into this cave system.  Startled awake it was very difficult to control the panicky feelings so I went downstairs to the big room and got a fan and slept fitfully in my chair.

It is pretty horrible having these dreams but I'm sure it was to do with how hot the room was on this occasion.  Having worked in temperatures around 19 C all my life (control rooms and computer rooms and offices) I keep my car A/C at 19 or sometimes lower and so that could have triggered things.

I didn't get treatment for this from my hypnosis friend and he's not around anymore so I might see if I can find someone to just deprogramme me.  It worked for smoking and also my fear of Hospitals and all the procedures (you may recollect I did this early on in this blog).  Here is the link https://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2007/04/hypnotherapy.html

I am hoping to work around it tonight somehow - if I'm not comfortable the big room beckons! 

Well I did it

 Interestingly, it was half forced as everyone arrived early so left before I thought I would.   The roads were pretty much quiet and I arrived to get the car washed and I was the only one there.  An interesting time, I've not done a car wash where the car is pulled through before.  It looks nice and shiny.

I'd calmed down by now and went an collected the cake I had made for my partner, it was in a nice quiet road and it looks great.  It also tastes great too.

Then off to the supermarket.  The car park was rammed and so I doubled back and went to the other big Supermarket - some idiots were trying to work out where to park and instead of driving around just blocked the entrance.  Undeterred I managed to get the party food and drinks, got into the car, headed back and was home in an hour.  

As usual, I didn't need to be that anxious and as long as I just take it as it is I'm sort of OK.

I cannot say that this dread feeling is anything other than my feeling down and also that I tend to be organised whereas everyone around me just seems not to plan anything (and they sort of get away with it).

Anyway, I got through it, we had a nice party and that's what matters. 

The strain of getting out of the house

 I've got two errands to do today.  I've got to pick up my partner's birthday cake and then get some party food.  Now it's about an hour to go before I set off and I feel queasy and a little bit anxious about going out.  It's strange I know but that's been a problem for a while now.

I really am having a bit of a strange time of it all.  I know I was seriously down last year and it is beginning to feel similar but not the same now.  It's a feeling of dread and uncertainty and if I am honest about it, I've started to question all sorts of things recently.  The whole lot you know, life, the universe, relationships, past stuff (which I know I shouldn't but the flashbacks aren't helping here) and mortality and so on.  

It's because nothing has changed in the past few years, nothing has moved on and I'm still where I was 7 years ago when we moved in to this house.

Anyway, when I get back I can organise this party and perhaps move on a bit.   I also wish I wasn't drinking so much again.  Got to keep that in check. 

Flashbacks, Fantasies, Meaningless Recollections

 I'd be lying if I said that I haven't been "quite right" this past year and possibly since April 2020 if I think about it.

Strange things are happening which I can attribute to my Ego a bit and to a strange feeling about my own morbidity.  I've realised that I am now OLD or so they say.  I see people of my age around me dying and suddenly to the front of my mind comes an acknowledgement that indeed, I've lived longer than I'm going to live and I am then haunted by these flashbacks and fantasies.

They are in general fond recollections of relationships I had and they are vivid memories, things I'd long forgotten but here's the strange thing, in those are regrets and what ifs.  By that I mean that I didn't do specific things then that I perhaps could have.  These take form all at once and then they stay with me for some days, the same scenario played over in various ways with the how I wanted it to be at the beginning then how it is at the end and also all the permutations that could have unfolded. 

Example:  A friend of mine that I have known since I was 15 or so.  She married another friend of mine and then divorced and is now married again.  When we were young she was very special to me and on one occasion we spent an innocent day where we just held hands and strolled in the summer sun and life was lovely and that's it.  Nothing else happened.  We all hung around together and she was involved with my friend and that was it.

The dream sequence goes along the line that we are at an unidentified friend's funeral.  She and I are chatting and quite suddenly she turns towards me and sees my (quite clearly affectionate) expression and asks "how long have you felt like this?" I look rather shyly at her and state "Since that day we held hands when we were teenagers."  What goes on from there varies from finally we get together to her being unable to leave her husband to a series of what if scenarios about maybe I should have just said something at the time.

Example: A daydream will flash before me and it is my girlfriend and I in our white clothes (you have to be a 70s couple) going out to the beach and she and I are great together.  Both of us are fit, thin, healthy, young and we've got great skin and the world at our feet and it all fell apart a few months later - work circumstances and so we went separate ways.  You can't unfix life but things would have been different if we had different circumstances.  She was lovely, very sweet and the odd dreams then play around with timelines and what ifs.  I go back to some of our adventures, the car I had the journeys and the fun times but why is this happening?  What on earth does it achieve?

None of these things can ever be, there's no chance of me getting back together with something that happened more than 40 years ago. So what is my brain trying to achieve with all this stuff.  It isn't just the dream it's the feeling - I can feel the sun on my body, the breeze, the exhilaration and so on.

Each dream moves on to make room for another after a few days or up to a week in some cases.  My recent one about my "Angel" is vivid, romantic, tearful and sad and exhilarating at the same time.  She made a huge impact on me, perhaps of anyone I've ever known.  Such intensity of feelings in such a short time, so madly in love and yet the whole relationship was doomed from the start.  Being human and not a calculating machine makes you overlook the impossibility of the situation but yet it happened and it was amazing.  INTJs are rubbish at that sort of relationship normally.  So I flash back to the music, the wait to meet each other, the melding of our minds and bodies.  The days were fantastic, I was transported to a place where I was completely connected to my surroundings and I spent ages in the golden wheat fields and then the shady woods.

This is happening now, it is as if I am replaying these moments and then regretting that things turned out like they have.  You can't go back, things cannot change from the way they are.  What would I do if they could change?  Would we get back together and what damage would that cause to life today and there is the whirlpool in my head smashing all these relationships, feelings, ideas, fantasies and outcomes together mashing up a thousand outcomes to every possible nuance saying "what if" this or that happened.

So I don't really get what is going on.  I think that I am having some sort of sorting it out moment.  I'm not sure things are good at the moment.  I am certainly not in a great place for sure.  Maybe it's something that is deeper, maybe my brain/body know something and I'm just too stupid to have figured it out (another INTJ issue BTW).  Yes, maybe it's something that the rest of me has worked out and my head just hasn't caught up with.

Embracing Life After Beating Bladder Cancer

I thought I'd us AI to write this for me.  It's pretty good.... 

A Journey of Resilience and Hope

18 years ago, the world turned upside down when the diagnosis of bladder cancer was confirmed. The road ahead seemed daunting, filled with uncertainty and fear. Every day was a battle, a constant struggle to face the challenges that came with the diagnosis. But today, 2 years on from receiving the all-clear, there is a sense of victory, a feeling of freedom and gratitude that fills the heart.

The Rollercoaster of Emotions

The journey through bladder cancer is not just physical but also emotional. The initial shock of the diagnosis, the fear of the unknown, and the grueling treatments can take a toll on even the strongest of souls. It's a rollercoaster of emotions, with moments of despair and hope intertwined, creating a whirlwind of feelings that can be overwhelming.

Finding Strength in Resilience

Despite the challenges and the uncertainties that come with battling cancer, there is a strength that emerges from within. It's the resilience to keep fighting, the courage to face each day with a positive outlook, and the determination to never give up. It's this resilience that propels individuals forward, pushing them to overcome the obstacles that come their way.

Cherishing Every Moment

After facing the darkness that comes with a cancer diagnosis, every moment of normalcy feels like a blessing. The simple joys of everyday life, the laughter shared with loved ones, and the beauty of the world around us seem to shine brighter than ever before. It's a reminder to cherish every moment, to live fully and embrace life with open arms.

The Power of Hope

Hope is a powerful force that can light up even the darkest of days. It's the belief that better days are ahead, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dim it may seem. Holding onto hope can provide the strength needed to keep moving forward, to keep fighting, and to never lose sight of the possibilities that tomorrow may bring.

Looking to the Future

As the journey continues beyond the all-clear, there is a sense of optimism for the future. Each day is a gift, an opportunity to create new memories, to pursue dreams that may have seemed out of reach before. It's a chance to live life to the fullest, to savor every moment, and to find joy in the little things that often go unnoticed.

In conclusion, the journey of battling bladder cancer is filled with challenges, but it is also a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. It's a journey of hope, of strength, and of embracing life with gratitude and joy. Despite the obstacles that may come our way, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, waiting to guide us towards a future filled with endless possibilities.

Time Wasting

Maybe I've earned a gold medal in procrastination! I have these cycles where I'm a productivity machine, and then...well, let's just say my couch becomes super comfy.

The good news is, I know the antidote: baby elephant bites! You can't conquer a giant task all at once, but you can chip away at it bit by bit. Today, I took that first bite by getting a haircut (long overdue!). It might seem small, but it's a win!

My goal? Tackle a quarter of my to-do list each day. That feels achievable, and progress is motivating! Here's to slaying procrastination, one small step at a time!

Here We Go Again

 After a week of activity I once again find myself sitting here, at my PC doing the square root of sweet Fanny Adams!  I cannot get myself motivated to do things, I'm organised and disorganised all at the same time!  I want to do something but I can't

Went out yesterday to a pub, had a beer or two then promptly on the way home picked up a load of beer and had a few more and now I feel bad about that as I sort of promised myself not to do that.

I've a list of things to do but I am just not getting round to doing them.  I've done the house things I said I'd do but now there's a list as long as my arm to do.  I just feel like doing nothing once again.  It's annoying as this procrastination is just getting me nowhere.  I'd really, really like to get off my arse and do something but cannot be bothered.  Then I reflect late in the afternoon about the things I could have done and beat myself up for not doing them.

So, I'm going to see if I can pop out of this rut, the biggest rut you have to get out of is the one you are in as an old friend once told me.

Well lets' see how it goes - I know there's the problem and I'm just not dealing with it! 

Glimpsing My Angel

 Of all the loves of my life, one shines through.  My life was turned upside down and indeed, I'm where I am today because of the experience.

It wasn't to be, it probably never was to be but it happened and it freed my mind and broke down the pretty awful place I was in back then.  It's eleven years ago now, about this time of year and we had an intense yet brief time.  I don't want to say too much about that except how it made me feel.  For once in my life I was able to shake off all the crazy stuff in my head and just enjoy life.  Walking through the golden corn fields near my house a little later on in the year it was as if I was connected to the fields of gold (cue Sting song LOL).  

I walked through the woods and around the country park a lot, through the fields, through the tunnel of trees, past the church, had coffee at the local cafe and a cheeky beer or two at the village pub.  It seemed that the sun was always out and when we met, the magic was amazing.  Just thinking about it now tingles my senses and I get quite emotional remembering those precious moments we had together.  The intensity of those moments was amazing.

But it wasn't to be and within 5 months it was all over and the pain was awful.  It didn't help that I'd decided to leave my wife and start divorce proceedings and yet that wasn't a result of one thing it had been on the cards for years but I just hadn't done anything about it.

I randomly saw a post yesterday with her in it, looking exactly as I remember her.  She had a way of looking directly at the camera as if only looking at me.  My heart raced and I flashed back to our times at the "secret garden" and the lakes, the country park, the country pub we met in and the messages and phone calls and the amazing time we had.

I think she is happy and I content myself that having met this amazing woman, having spent just a short time with her, loved her unconditionally and shared more of myself than anyone else has experienced, that she will continue to do so.  That she will continue her journey free and full of life.  I'd like to think that she thinks about me once in a while.  I think about her quite often when I reflect on how lucky I was to meet her, share a little time with her but it is her humanity and goodness that I love more than anything.  She has the most engaging smile, she has a keen sense of humour but behind those wonderful eyes (you have to see them as to me they twinkle) is someone who you can feel being in the presence of, who cares deeply and who loves life and everyone in it.

I really miss her and I often wonder whether those romantic dreams of country living and carefree wind blown seaside walks would ever have come about?  

Still Coughing Away Here

 I've had this cold for almost two weeks now.  It's just one of those strange ones, possibly a Covid type thing as I keep coughing and its like I had in 2019 it just doesn't go away.

In other news, I am working on changing my lifestyle a bit more as I really need to get out of the rut I'm in at the moment.  I was in a bad way last year and I came out of that but I'm really not firing on all cylinders although I am getting things done around the house.

Diet I know is one of the things I need to change and I've started that now.  I need to change all sorts of habit including drinking.  I was having a beer or "just having a beer" a little too foten - only in the evenings but even so - it was getting a little out of hand and so I've packed that in altogether for now and I'll work on strategies to minimise drinking - the problem is, I do enjoy a beer but they are full of carbs and liquid bread as they say.

Hopefully I will start to see improvements in weight loss and feeling a bit less sluggish.

And, Just Like That, You're Old

Today, I suddenly felt old.  I got Bladder Cancer in my late 40s and it wasn't until I was in my mid 60s that they signed me off.  17 Year it was and it flashed by when looking back on it.  So much happened and here I am, divorced now with a new partner, new house and it just hit me that I no longer have the energy and stamina I once had.  I look old.  A look in the mirror sort of provides a shocking image back to me.  My hands have started to shake, not all the time, but occasionally and  this cold I caught is still here, over a week later.

I now really think things through before I do them.  I've been active this week in between coughs but I need to take more breaks, be more aware of health and safety. Going up and down ladders, picking up heavy objects that sort of thing.  

Then you have friends dying, celebrities dying younger than you and you're more aware of your own mortality.

Strangely enough, I don't feel any older I just notice it more that's all.  I recollect my father's words to me "Don't get old, son"

But here we are, nothing I can do about it except accept it and just get on doing my thing. 

Cold - A Little Unusual

 This is the strangest of colds.  I felt fine late yesterday afternoon and watched some TV and then went to bed.  10 minutes in I started coughing and it was the sort of cough, cough, cough that never clears your throat. Neither was it the sort of thing that could be called tickly although it is today!  I had a bad night's sleep and blow me, after an hour of feeling rough this morning I felt better!

Now, this afternoon I've started coughing again and have a nagging little headache thing going on too.  For someone who rarely (these days) suffers from such things it is a bit annoying.  

I'm going to give it another try tonight and do some Lemsip before bed and see if I can shift it.  It will be a week today that I've caught it and it just hasn't gone away but fades and gets worse in random ways.

Cold From Hell? Thank Your Grandchildren

Something "going around" they say. Indeed.... well I have it and it is most unpleasant as it has those traditional Flu type symptoms mixed in with a cold, sore throat, sneezing, coughing - in fact just about every symptom you can imagine including the headache, muzziness and brain fog.   

"A Ha!, Covid!!" they exclaim but it isn't like that at all as far as I can tell anyway and I'm not buying a lump of plastic to tell me I've got a cold either - when did you ever need a test for that FFS.

So I'm not impressed as I've had this for about 5 days now.  It's bad in the mornings and then late afternoon I feel fine, I go to bed but then I'm coughing, breathing through my mouth as my nose is blocked and every now and then a bout of sneezes to top it all off.

I'm going hot all over as I write this so will take off my fleece because I felt cold this morning.  June is surprisingly cold for summer so far.

Anyway, whoever had a winter cold in summer?  It could remotely be Hay Fever but not with so many symptoms and whilst my eyes feel a bit tired they aren't sore like I sometimes get.

It is also debilitating - trying to do anything physical is exhausting and I'll need a break after writing this.  My hands ache and staring at the screen is also tiring.

Anyway, I know who to thank for this cold although he has no real signs of it apart from the cough.  Also, he's far too sweet to blame him LOL!