Sometimes It Is An Ugly World

 My recent experiences bear this out as people often bite the hand that feeds them.  They don't appreciate the many things you have done for them, protected them and have sacrificed yourself for them.

Then they turn on you in different ways.  They exile themselves and disappear for years only to reappear when they want something.  They abuse you and make you feel bad and yet they are the ones who are displaying disgusting behaviour.  They make you feel bad about yourself so that they may feel good.

All my life I've been let down by people and many times they just don't get it or see it.  I am made to feel like I have failed or not done something and all the while, they are using my good side to their own benefit only to sh1t on me from a grand height when they are finished with me.

And so, I am left thinking that I should perhaps just give everyone the finger from now on and live my own life and they can all go to hell or wherever they are destined to be.  If you can't trust people you've looked after, sometimes for many years, to do the right thing even having led by your own example, what can you do?

It's the inevitable hurt whether in love, life or business that's difficult to deal with I find.  So I think that I've had enough of this now and I'll just withdraw from any attempt at helping people.  It just isn't worth it as they just let you down time after time.

The Seeds Of Doubt

 I hate this feeling that I am in the wrong and am at fault and yet I know that I'm not but it's just the thought of being attacked like this and in such a repellent manner by someone that you felt was truthful, that you mentored and worked alongside and whom you trusted and you were sure they trusted you.  For years and years I've supported them only for the most horrendous attack ad hominem on me, absolutely disgusting.  

You know what though?  Even though I realise that it is just that, an explosive outburst full or vitriol and hatred it has taken me aback and really upset me.  It's shocking and uncalled for and best of all, it doesn't reflect the situation at all. 

I am actually shaking writing this and I don't need it, it's ridiculous, out of character and just plain nasty of them.  Whether fuelled by their own inner pain body or some worm tongue - it is one of the most hateful things I have encountered and really has knocked me for six.

I must rise above it and be calm and patient, logical and factual whilst they go off into their fantasy world.  Yuck, what an evil thing to do.

I haven't felt this low for some time.  It's the betrayal and the quite evil way it is being done.  The bottom line is, I can just add this to the long list of people who've let me down and taken the hand of friendship only to pay it back with loss of contact or as in this case an attack on me loaded with such vitriol and malice that I wonder if they aren't seriously ill or have suffered some sort of breakdown.  

I'm laid low for the moment as it has shocked me to the core that, not for the first time, they have attacked me without atoning for their own actions.  One of those weird occasions when they take some self damaging set of actions and then after they've festered over it for a while blame their own actions on someone else, namely me in this case.  I just wish that I could snap out of this current malaise and move on but there's always the concern, fear perhaps that it will escalate as it already has done.  

Why, If We Are Capable Of Wondrous Things....

 Are we also capable of destruction, violence and the opposite of what we surely are here for?

I saw a 2,000 year old Roman ring on a website, intricately carved in reverse was a stone with a 3D bust on it.  It was a marvel.  Works of art, intricate jewellery and so on point to how amazing we are.  Watching the defacement of such things when people protest throws up a dilemma for these very people would be against that sort of thing.  BUT they're not.

People are very quick to accuse, threat and act in a manner which go against (I'd suggest) our nature.  You let them get away with it and it's an "order" to do it with more force or emphasis.  Why people think that this is acceptable is beyond me.  Yes, I can get angry but the last thing I'd consider doing is some mindless and random act of vandalism to get my point across.

I suppose I grew up in a country where if you accidentally dropped a sweet wrapper your parents treated it like a Capital offence and you were made to pick it up and deposit it in the waste bins that were in abundance back in the day.

Drive along the roads and you see rubbish thrown out of vehicles and cars, it's not just foreign lorries.  The sides of the road look awful in some places and some poor person has to risk their life to clear it up.  It's easy enough to take it with you and throw it in a bin that to do this.  The people that do it are the world's environmentalists and animal sanctuary supporters etc.

We need to go back to building amazing and beautiful things for everyone's benefit but I despair these days at the way we have sunk to a third world country, the pride has gone, the willingness to do it gone too, we are too busy looking at our handheld devices to notice what is happening and when the batteries run out maybe them we will take our eyes off of these and see the devastation on our own doorsteps.

Tackling Difficult Things

 These accounts are to use a phrase "Doing my head in!" for such what you would think is an easy things to do with subscriptions and the like it has a twist in the tail.  There were refunds and all sort going on that year and it is just a nightmare to allocate what goes where!  If it was a cash account it would be fine but the balance sheet method gives you a proper view of what is really going on.

With all the noise and distraction going on at the moment, it's made me procrastinate far more than I am used to, I've had my confidence really severely knocked too.  No matter how much you think you are working in the right way and doing the right thing every now and then something comes along to nudge you of course and make you doubt yourself.  It's been close to a month now that the impact of that has affected me.  I think I have done all my thinking and strategy work now and I am 90% comfortable that I have understood what is going on and how to combat it but FFS, I shouldn't have to, it's just people being ridiculous and unthinking.

So I am getting on to doing what I have to do, "Eating the Frog" - you always eat the ugliest one first as I recall.  I was always OK doing that when I worked for a living and now I am retired and getting older, I doubt those powers and my logical mind.  

Breakfast With A Friend

 He and I go back a very long way but were made closer as we both had Cancer at the same time.  As I was undergoing my operation, he was undergoing a similar Op.  We don't live far from each other and we met up as we recovered and talked (a lot) about our experiences and what we learned from it.  It was he that put me on to Eckhart Tolle and we subsequently went on the change the world (well we could have done) going on our Odyssey.  We collaborated together for a number of years, both leaving our jobs to do the right thing.

I'm an INTJ and so I have very few close friends and he's not one of them!  He's just a great guy, sound as a pound, level, straight and we very rarely get above a slight inflection on our voices.  We don't always agree but we listen to each other's points of view and do our research and that's great.

There's a great place for Breakfast locally, a little expensive but good quality, nice service and today, I even had a beer afterwards rather than a coffee.  He listened to my woes and I his and we concluded that the world has probably gone to hell in a handcart and how everything these days is ugly and angry.

We get trapped into things too, things that weren't part of our own plan but stuff you are doing for somebody else because you are a nice human being.  Then you get shafted for it.  It truly makes me want to just drop absolutely everything and go away somewhere near the sea, with my music, books and that's about it really.  It would be bliss but you've all the other calls on your time which preclude you from doing the things you love or want to do.

I think that the note to myself is to work hard this year on what do I want out of life?  I can say that the present isn't impressing me greatly and I lurch from one bad actor to another and I just want out of it.  Would like to tell these hangers on to just F right off.  It's easier said than done of course, or else I'd have done it ages ago.

Happy Easter to all.   

Tackling Stuff - Getting There

 I am getting there gradually and managed to actually do what I said I was going to do and I am now tackling the second thing that I HAVE TO DO.  It is really hard as it easier not to do it.  Easy to say well it's the bank holiday weekend and I'll start it again on Tuesday but in reality I need to do it now.  The first thing I had to do was unpleasant and a real "eat the frog" thing to do.  It means cutting off a relationship and I have mixed emotions about doing it.  I don't like it, it really isn't what I would have chosen to do but now, after many years, I need to sever ties and walk away from it.   So that's what I've done.  If you know me, you'll realise that I don't like not fulfilling my duties and obligations but I've been provoked into doing this.

The worry is that I am concerned for them but at the same time they are showing me no respect or concern so it's a one way street.  Soon to be ended I hope forever.

You sometimes need to just give up on these things I suppose, it's no good trying to think and do the best for people when they are sh1tting on you from a high altitude! It's ungrateful behaviour and it's not acceptable. 

So that's that.  Next is to get a grip of these accounts :-) Urgh I hate accounts but I have to do them so I'm going to pinch my nose and work through them.

Long Exhale - Phew!

 Well that was good apart from having to pay more for my car park than I needed.  You never know do you?  So one look at my teeth and gums and a quick poke around and Hygienist was most impressed with progress and no need for all the scraping and poking around inside between teeth and gums.  A good clean up and polish and I was on my way.  Come back in 9 months unless things get worse.

So I now know what I need to do to keep up the good work and I have to say, the Hydrogen Peroxide mouth washing has done its thing along with the other interventions and so both Dentist and Hygienist are happy with progress

Mind you my teeth ache a bit from being bashed around and scraped and all that good stuff.

Hurrah!

Not Looking Forward To Today

 Does anyone actually like the Dentist visits?  Mind you it was good news last week and I don't have to go back until 2026!  However, today is Hygienist visit and I am certainly not looking forward to it as it sounded like they were going to do a lot of work.  

What I have done to mitigate how much they have to do is called on my old friend H202 (I think), Hydrogen Peroxide, Coconut Oil Pulling, Salt Washes and Xylitol Gum to see if I can minimise the amount of work they identified in January.  I hope so but let's wait and see.   I've called off an appointment tonight in case I am numbed up too much.

In other news, the roofer man is coming to fit cowls to the chimneys pots which should prevent a recurrence of the Jackdaw down the chimney event! 

As for procrastination - I am determined to try and sort that out. It's something that is debilitating it in it's own way and just needs tackling.

Procrastination Or Should I Put Off This Post Until Tomorrow

 So annoying, so annoying is procrastination.  It comes at me in waves and sometimes I used to kid myself that I was building up stress pressure to make me do something.  It's a bit "Eat the frog" as we used to say.  I have stuff to do and it just sits here staring at me and before I know it, it's late afternoon and I head off out with nothing done of any significance.

It doesn't help with the craziness going on with all these threats and unpleasantness which I really don't need at all and that makes me tetchy too.  I don't mean to be sharp with my responses but I do find people these days appear to want to be told what to do or have questions answered or generally be looked after and so I sometimes get a bit one word answer mode and also my sarcasm superpower goes full superhero and I find my attitude whilst 100% accurate hasn't been tempered with what little diplomacy I own.

So I am annoyed with myself as much as anything and I don't like getting old as I no longer have the Rhinoceros hide that protected me through my working life.  I don't need all of this, it's unwanted and I'm lumbered with it.  I just want to actually enjoy my retirement, perhaps that's it.  You end up in situations you never planned and your reward is to get castigated by others for something you never wanted, never wished for and would happily get rid of.  Maybe that's what I really needed to do (if I wasn't so deeply involved and embroiled) walk away and let some other schmuck take it over.

Kubler Ross Revisted

 I am revisiting this as I am beginning to recognise the signs that I am in this loop once again.  I'm too bloody old for all this sh1t and some people just go way beyond what is acceptable behaviour.  Also some people enjoy the flogging of a dead horse too.  They have no idea what their crazy little world view makes them do.  They have utter belief that they are right and they have convinced themselves that logic is on their side.  Viewed from any other angle, you'd say it's the opposite.

So here it is in all it's glory.  I'm at Anger now and I'll have to see where I am going with this.  I'm meeting a friend on Friday and I'll get a bounce off of him as he's pretty stable and I trust him, unlike the other chap.  Over a decade I've known this chap and suddenly he's turned into a monster, lost his logic and his moral compass all at the same time.  

Anyway, it's annoying because I've gone past shock and straight to anger.  I don't need to be angry, I need to have a steady head and be calm.  On that front, so far so good.

Disappointing Betrayal Again

 I used to have a poster above my desk of a cartoon mouse (I think it might have been a person) with a screw right through their middle attached to a wall.  It said something along the lines of "Be kind, good and gentle to others and you will obtain your just rewards"  

Once again, in life I have gone out of my way to help someone, for over a decade I have helped and guided this person and my reward?  You guessed it, they've made some sort of decision themselves that has backfired and...... it's my fault!!!  Quite how this logic and powers of deduction led their decision to have been in anyway involving me I don't know so they've gone off the deep end and accused me of all sorts of stuff and yet if they'd have spoken to me I could have given balanced reasons why they should probably not have made a hasty and ill thought through decision to their detriment.  Having not sought my advice or consulted me they then go on to do the most illogical thing and realise too late that it cannot be undone.

As I say, not the first time in my life.  Three others when I was younger were looked after as my own, I spent time with them, helped schooling, college and university, became a father figure and was parent taxi to them.  I barely hear a word from them now.  The amount of support I've given to various people including monetary support goes un-repaid.  Minds, like my wallet are empty and forgetful when needed.

I'm getting too old to give my time to these people anymore, I will help anyone but now I feel that I'm getting metaphorically "screwed to the wall" when I freely offer to help.

It feels wrong but I have to withdraw helping others out to my detriment if all they do is forget all the help you've given them.  They try and make you feel bad and stupid me, I do.  It worries me that they've done stuff to themselves and want to victimise me for their own actions.

Smashed It

 After my note about the Who Dunnit yesterday I am pleased to say that by 10 minutes in I had worked out who it was and how they did it.  Dead Goldfish was a giveaway :-)

In other news I am still quite stressed out by recent events that I cannot mention at the moment but it's annoying that people can be so awful.  Those who you help out and look after turn into monsters and betray you.  I've always been helpful to others and this is the reward, you get stabbed in the back.  I think I am too old for this now though.  I used to be able to take it in my stride but this is beyond the pale and it just erodes your trust in people and I've noticed it more and more.  People just don't know how to behave these days and courtesy and gratitude, please and thank you, kindness and politeness are, like our society, being ground into the dust.

I don't know what it is that makes people believe they can act like this but it isn't honourable and getting a metaphorical kick in teeth for all your help and assistance really hurts.

Lesson learned I guess!

Who Dunnit!

 I don't know if there are subtle clues in these detective series but 9 tomes out of 10 I tend to guess quite early on who dunnit!

I don't watch too much TV these days but there are a couple of programmes I like to watch that don't take too much thinking and a few things like University Challenge and Only Connect when occasionally I amaze myself by what I know and also bristle when the teams don't know the answer. However, pride before a fall, often kicks in when I don't know the formula for unobtainium or some such :-)

These light detective stories are generally easy to solve as it is the least obvious character (at the beginning) and so far I am spot on with these.  I think the more you watch them the more obvious the formula is and strangely the easier it is to work out the perpetrator.

In other news, the sun is shining although it is quite chilly at the moment.  Two seasons in one day.  It used to catch me out when I'd leave at around 5:00 to go to work in a big overcoat and by the evening I'd be sweltering and carrying said overcoat home :-) such is the UK weather and why we always speak about it.

Stress - I Really Don't Need It

 Who does?  It's not really needed and I am far too old to have to deal with it but, there you go, deal with I must.

Why people are so difficult, illogical and vengeful, even though they bring these things on themselves I have yet to fathom.  Their actions are now apparently my problem to deal with.

Oh well, it will be what it will be but it's just a trivial waste of my time and energy.  

The bottom line is I should be retired and not having to deal with all of this, but I am!  

That's A Relief

 A visit to the Dentist and an all clear and see me in 9 months time (2026) which I'm most pleased about and also the slight gum problems I had are all gone.  I'm impressed she can remember that far back but there you go.  So I am hopeful that all the work I've been doing has paid off and that next week's visit to the Hygienist will not be as traumatic as I am expecting from my last visit there.  Fingers crossed for that.

Growing Anger - Is It Just Me?

 There's a growing anger in this country, one that stems from ongoing lies and deceptions and a populace that has seen things decline and get worse as we reach the bottom and continue to dig.  Injustice seems rife and the entitled are slowly realising that they cannot ride roughshod over us.   Everyone in the country has faced massive increases in costs and its starting to bite that these people don't give a flying F about us.  They rode in with huge statements about freezing this and that and the bottom line is that prices for us all and taxes have gone up appallingly.

I think my household bills are near double since 2020 and it's unsustainable and do they do anything to tackle and manage it?  No they blame someone who left them with..... <insert excuse here>  When I was in business and having to sort out other's sh1t it was down to me, I could perhaps get a few weeks or months grace if it was screwed previously but I had the power and authority to change it and that's what I did. These guys don't get that - yet!

Anyway, the more people I speak to the more they hate what's going on.  The UK people are patient and generally pragmatic people but they really do seem to have had enough.  You can feel it and hear it now. 

It Seems I Am Always Moaning About Something Or Other

 Stuff that boils my p1ss - why are people so horrible these days/I don't know the answer but the Lock-downs have a lot to answer for and expectations versus outcomes also appear to me to be an issue with people.   A lot of people haven't been told NO and so when they are presented with stuff they don't like they throw a paddy or a tantrum, lobbing all their toys out of the window.

And, what's with the double standards too.  People are happy to dish it out but give some back and they go into full melt down?  You can probably tell that I hate fools and deliberately stoopid people along with those deliberately pretending to be naive when they are anything but.  Yes these people really annoy the hell out of me as they aren't clever enough to get away with it and they rely on your innate goodwill to get away with their manipulation techniques.

I still enjoy the "never interrupt an enemy when they are making a mistake" phrase as it is all you need to catch out a liar or a badly thought through ploy.  Just let them go on for long enough and they grind themselves to a halt or forget up to what lie they are living in and ultimately they betray themselves and destroy their own fantasy.

So, yes, I am moaning about all these people, I wish they'd just go away and leave me alone.  I wish they'd treat me as they'd want me to treat them but oh no, they cannot do that as they are always right and in their minds I am wrong.  They insult my intelligence and defeat their own arguments as they convolute their narrative to fit their fantasy.  If they'd all just f*** off everything would be fine.  

Definitely Dark TImes

 I think that we should be worried about the way things are going.  I've often said it but today we appear to have gone soft on the things that should be important and hard on the things that should not be.  You can get a visit from the thought police for posting hurty words online yet they are reducing police numbers in areas where, in reality, they should be boosting them.  A number of ex Police friends lost their jobs some time ago now and they were happy to be paid off, let's face it, it's not always Dixon of Dock Green, when they took out a layer of experienced Officers.  Of course some were taken back under contract but hey.

The "Trump Tariffs" have made markets jittery and I can see why he's done it.  It's a world-wide economic gamble and our Rachel from Accounts didn't see it coming....again!  I'm shaking my head again wondering why we cannot see beyond the Friday of the week we are in.  There is no long terms strategic planning at all.  It's crazy that we are about to shoot ourselves in the foot yet again when the foot we shot last week hasn't really begun healing up!

So, how about our Canal system.  I imagine very lightly used as a means of transporting goods but there is a little commercial traffic on them.  Thousands of miles of Canals, Tow Paths, Locks winding their way through beautiful countryside (in the main) and big cities too.  So they want all boats to be, wait for it, electric, not to have log burners blah blah.  Somehow they are going to need to put infrastructure by the sides of the Canals and in the Marinas.  Being a trained electrician, I ought to warn people that the old mantra we used was "Water and Electricity do not mix"  So the dangers are electricity close to water now I know you can hook ups in Marinas but the joy of canal boating is that you poodle along at 4 mph maximum and that you have the bump bump bump of a diesel engine under you.  I imagine that electric would make it quieter, we have a local electric boat which is whisper quiet.  You wouldn't need a Tesla type arrangement as the water would provide you o glide through but who pays for the conversions and who pays for the infrastructure, how do ensure complete safety of the charging?

The other "Look at how stupid I am" was that they want to reduce the size of petrol and diesel tanks on cars to 20 gallons and then to 10 gallons.  These people are absolutely crazy - what does that achieve?  These days it's like a class of ten year old children have been asked to come up with energy saving ideas and their class project is to demonstrate how they'd save energy.  The trouble is, these fanciful ideas further oppress people who are already made poorer and struggle on day to day living costs because of Venezuelan style policies.  Once one of the richest countries in the world you can do some research on what's happened since they adopted socialism.

I don't know how long it will take to impact people but I feel a growing resentment coming, even among my friends that are shall we say left leaning.  Time will of course tell and these mistaken ideological policies will, as they always have, lead to the very people they are meant to help being the victims of the very well intentioned but worthless policies our naive elected politicians think are so clever and helpful.  As they will inevitably end falling flat on their faces we can only hope that, as they are always saying "Lessons will be learned" are uttered as their faces hit the mud.

A Few Days Away - Just What Was Needed

 Well that was good.  A few days away, some sunshine (but a bitterly chilly wind). A Nice Hotel and a visit to a few places, sun, sea, air, all  is good.

Have some cr@p going down here which I need to sort out which is disturbing and a little worrying but, some time to think this through and I think I can now handle that too.

Nice to have good weather and to start to get things sorted, apart from my bloody gates - they've got a mind of their own at the moment and I have no idea what they are doing or why they are doing it.  I'll have to go through my troubleshooting routine to sort it out.  

I do find that "people" act strange and do crazy things, not well thought through and completely missing the point and completely at odds with reality.  Perhaps it's just me but I find people who tackle problems by menace and threat miss the target.  A person who's only tool is a hammer treats every issue as a nail!  So, applying logic and thought would have removed their anger issues and now having blasted their point out and painted themselves into a corner, they have no escape route nor plan after their actions.  Crazy attitude.