Quiet Tonight

I just watched Kingdom of Heaven - I quite like that and was terribly worried that the DVD had been wrecked but it appears to have been a fault with the TV as when I set it up to check tonight it worked fine. At last, with a quiet house the full 5.1 DTS surround system comes into it's own - there's always background noise in the house normally so it is a treat to listen more closely to the film.

I've continued the FOCC this morning and intend to do this as a regular breakfast - it seems to fill me up nicely for the day too. Tomorrow I need to be up early to collect L and bring her back here then she goes off to stay at her boyfriend's place in Cambridge for the week. Mrs. F. and A went off early and were at the Eden Project (described as Awesome by Photographer A). She should know. Some of her other work is being displayed in the shop in Orpington and it looks as if she will be able to have the whole of the 1st floor area for her own exhibition over the summer. If that happens I will hope to get involved and make sure we give her a good chance of success. Her intern-ship may well help her to further develop her style and it appears to me that she is heading into the Fine Art field with her work but - let's see. I'm always amazed by the way she (artistic people) view the world. She can frame a photograph of something you and I would look at in a totally different way and bring out something hidden or unnoticed. Clever - I enjoy clever people and the way their minds work.

I'm feeling good - I didn't get to do any exercise today as I was running L around. Maybe I'll do some in the morning or perhaps tonight before bed?

The diet took a bit of a knock tonight as I made far too much pasta for my seafood pasta meal it could have fed two - I did manfully work my way through it but I probably should have throw it away - but I hate to see anything wasted. Mrs. F. kindly got me enough Cottage Cheese to last until the middle of the week so I'm OK about getting my FOCC regularly. I'm aiming for everyday if at all possible.

The stuff you don't know

So I get to the funeral and it's rammed inside the church a good turnout from the Lodge and many other institutions. I'm always amazed at the things you don't know about people. It's terribly British - and it may be true elsewhere too - but you never mention what you did in the war - it's just not done old chap :-)

So the Vicar is reading out about our friend's life and when he was a very young man - about 19 years old he was in the Royal Navy and at that tender age was in D-Day+1 and Captained/Piloted a landing craft - under fire, taking people to and from and he navigated all the way over there too. He lost some comrades too.

We - who have known him (some for 50 years) only knew he was a midshipman - we thought in the Royal Navy Voluntary Reserve. You just never know do you, you just never know and these heroes never say anything at all!

It was a lovely service and I got to see his widow and hand over my Eulogy to John - I always find myself lost for words, someone says thanks for coming - so what is your reply? I wanted to? It went as well as it could I suppose.

We then had the wake and ended up in a pub with one of the guys I have a "little trouble with" and we had a very good conversation - he has plenty of troubles at the moment and we discussed those and we discussed - as you do - death and eventually we get around to my condition and we have a good talk about my attitude and why I'm so different these days. He goes off and I am having a beer when our old next door neighbour's son says hello. I ask after his parents and he tells me that his Dad died at the beginning of the year. I'd seen his dad at the Urology Clinic getting checked out at the flow centre - to do with Prostate. However, he didn't actually have that problem he had Kidney Cancer and pretty aggressive too, it had metastasised and was close to his heart and then he got a brain tumour which they sorted but he died earlier in the year just after his 70th birthday. He felt that was significant. His mum was devastated of course. I asked that he convey our sympathy to his mum and the rest of the family. I think I only saw him about 18 months ago but hadn't seen him around the local pub for a while - now I know why.

So I got a lift home from L which was good - she drives OK and so I wasn't feeling worried. Got home and was in two minds whether to go away for a couple of days down to Cornwall or not. I've decided after much deliberation not to go - if I had I would have needed to drive a fair amount and I really do need to get some rest as I have been burning up time and getting very little proper sleep this past week or so. I also want to get ready to sort out the business stuff as we appear to have got a sprint on. Invariably though, I get some "me" time this weekend and bank holiday Monday so I can spend at least a day and a half just in my own company doing what I want to do. I'd like to go and have a holiday but it's a long way and I'm not sure I'd actually rest.

Funeral

Well - it's never good to go to a funeral but we had a good one - if there can be such a thing. I was pleased to take my friend out and buy the beers and have a heart to heart with him today. He, of all the people I know has been sh*t on many times and just makes the best of it. We haven't been seeing eye to eye recently and so today was a good opportunity to resolve that and bury the hatchet which we did I am pleased to say.

The upshot was that I bought the beers all afternoon and that was by design - I'd already told him he wasn't buying anything as he can't afford it. Finally he acceded to my desire. We go back a long way and as at funerals and such things we talked in some (alcohol induced) depth and that was good - we are old friends and needed to clear the air. He doesn't "get me" and sometimes I don't "get him". We understand each other now.

I then bumped into the son of my old next door neighbours who had tragic news - when I asked how his Mum and Dad were he told me that his Dad had died - the last time I had seen him was at the Urology Clinic about 3 or maybe 4 years ago - he was doing the usual Prostate Flow check but his son told me that it was in fact Kidney Cancer that had metastasised that actually caused the problems and that aged just 70 he died of complications from Kidney cancer etc. How bizarre that we had talked about this before my friend had to go home.

I got a lift home from 2nd Daughter L - who picked me up and she drives really well - I was most impressed. Good for her.

Second Day

Well this FOCC - see Steve's explanation for details, is easy enough to follow and I used slightly less quantities to yesterday - a little less than the 6 tablespoons, I used 6 soup spoons which are about 2/3rd of the quantity. It is still quite a bowl full. I added a little milk this time and a little honey which just took the edge off the taste which isn't unpleasant but I guess is more unusual. It reminds me of very thick Muesli I suppose except a lot creamier consistency.

It is encouraging to note that my skin feels warm and soft to the touch and as I said yesterday it feels very much like after I had given up smoking when suddenly you notice these things. It is markedly different but let's not get carried away shall we? It doesn't suit my scientific brain to do that.

I am impressed with the way the Flax Seed Oil disappears into the Cottage Cheese - that's pretty impressive and Steve wisely suggests that you don't do this with motor oil :-)

I have a funeral to go to at midday - one of the Lodge members and I suppose I've known him now for 30 years. In fact when I first met him he was my age! He has had a terrible past 9 years with a fall followed by a stroke, aorta repair and lately stomach cancer. It is terribly sad how the last years of his life were like that. I hope that there will be a good number up at the church for him - I'm sure there will be. I need to get a Taxi there as there are no cars left on the drive - I suppose I could get the push bike out - that would be a laugh. No on second thoughts, I'll get a taxi - I would walk but the lanes are narrow, unsighted and quite dangerous and I'd have to walk the long way which is at least 3 miles if not 4.

I'm quite upbeat about FOCC although it obviously needs to become part of my overall diet and routine. It certainly appears to work for many other people and I just hope that it adds a little something to the overall strategy of looking after myself properly, exercising and doing the best I can to halt / prevent / keep at bay cancer and assist the medical team that way. Even if it is just making you think about or stick to that regime it is a good thing.

Absent Minded

Or maybe distracted a bit - it could be I because if just thinking things through. A Funeral tomorrow - I ought to go - it's as difficult as you like to get there but I think I may get a taxi there, attend the funeral and then wander across the road from the Church to a rather nice pub I know and have a few leisurely beers in a lovely Kent country pub. I can get a taxi back or call on one of the girls to pick me up when they've finished whatever they are doing.

I've been pretty good on my diet this week and with the rest of the family disappearing for the Whitsun weekend - I'll be home alone and so can make sure that I just have stuff off of my own list. They tend to occasionally cook me things I don't want and I tend to try and prepare my food myself so that I get enough but not too much.

Next week is a big for the business as our Financial Man will come on over and we will get a view from him about how near we are to being ready to go to Venture Capitalists for funding. We know there are a few areas that need tightening up and completing and we need to get some wok sorted for the next phase too. What's apparent is that those who have seen the work we have put in are mighty impressed. Let's hope, for our sake they are right and we have a real business here and that we aren't barking mad!

I need to get my concentration back as soon as possible so that I can focus on the business tasks and not get so easily distracted. Hopefully I can work out whatever is in my head this weekend and move on from there.

Let's Not Get Carried Away Shall We?

I took my first lot of FOCC this morning and it was OK. I have to say that I've felt my fingers and hands being a little warmer today as if the blood flow had improved and strangely enough my skin feels good too. I haven't felt like this since I gave up smoking - goodness knows how long ago and after two or three weeks the same sorts of sensations - better taste, skin was smooth to the touch. But hey, I could be reading too much into it and it could be a placebo effect or I'm looking for some sort of change.

I did my exercises tonight they were as difficult as usual - no change there but there was when I measured my Blood Pressure. Now when I'm a stone or two lighter than I am now - my blood pressure does come down a bit but tonight's results were a bit strange. So strange that I checked them twice more. I measured 115 over 80 which is amazing considering that I expect to be 130 to 140 over 90 to 95 after exercise.

So once again I could say that FOCC has helped but I'm going to have to go and make sure by continuing to check this out. My goodness if it were to get to around 110 over 80 that would be great - I'd be pleased with that. My GP sees me in a few weeks and it would be good to show improvements in BP.

I did a little read up and it does appear that FOCC, due to the oil, thins the blood so I guess that may be the answer. It recommends that Aspirin isn't taken at the same time (in one place) and guess what I take :-) Will have to see what the GP says in June.

For now though, this is encouraging but not convincing :-)

FOCC

My first go at Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese appears to have been a success. The recipe is easy to follow and the oil disappears into the cheese rather amazingly and the ground flax seeds certainly give it a flavour all of its own. The oil is slightly strange tasting on its own and not at all like the Linseed Oil that we condition Cricket Bats with or use in painting. It is much lighter. I keep that and the seeds in the fridge to give them a longer life span.

The mixture when complete, and I had to add a teaspoon of honey to flavour it a tiny bit sweeter, is much like cold porridge I guess. Anyway, it wasn't too bad and was unusual - I will wait and see what assistance it may provide me with in the future.

Right here goes

The stuff arrived today - Mrs. F. has turned her nose up at what I've got Flax Seed Oil and Flax Seeds sat in the fridge for. I've explained that it was the advice I got yet the seeds say cool and dry place - so I need to sort that out and check my source.

The cottage cheese is ready, the hand blender, mill and I got lots of different sorts of dried fruits to put in the FOCC mixture. Tomorrow morning I'll be giving that a go and making up a small quantity and see how I get on.

The hope is that by changing my diet I'll be giving myself a slightly better chance of keeping old Mr. Bladder Cancer away and also assisting me in my new diet and exercise campaign. A bit of creative use and I can make it part of everyday living.

I was wiped out today with a heavy work day and so I gave exercise a miss tonight and will go back to it tomorrow.

A week on

And I'm still kind of OK about things. I'm waiting for my stuff to come which includes a load of dietary food including the Flax Seed Oil and Flax Seeds. That will allow me to get onto my proposed new diet in the next couple of days. I'm already on that but last night Mrs. F. fed me up with a load of bits that she saw that I wasn't amused by. Sausages = lovely home made ones but even so - my face must have told a story :-) Anyway - I ate them and just said that I'd sort myself out for food as I'm happy to prepare it and stick to my diet.

Getting back to regular exercise has made me feel quite good and I was also pleased to see that my Blood Pressure is at a reasonable level after sessions. I am hoping that I will get back to it being habitual if at all possible. It is so easy to fall out of this habit.

I say I'm kind of OK because there is a part of me that is a little annoyed, a little disappointed and a little down about the recurrence (if that is what it is). I suppose that's to be expected really it isn't where I thought I'd be. It isn't in my plans and much as I was ready to take a bit of bad news - deep down inside you wish for something different.

I do believe that the truth is that this is all manageable and that I can move on from here. A bit of a knock, a bit of a wobble but I'll just have to live with it and move on. I don't want anything to distract me from building our business as well and I want to be there to move that forward. It's still just out of reach but later today we hope to move things on a fair way towards tying down some of the last bits of detail and then we can finalise the last actions. Typically I'll need to be in Hospital at a critical time but I'm sure that I can think of ways to work around that. I sure hope that they just do a few minor biopsies on me not do what they did to me last time causing me three days in Hospital and beating me up so badly that all the good work I had done in terms of weight, exercise and diet were set back.

Well that was interesting

I've started to cut right back on my food intake and don't feel too bad about that - a few pangs of hunger but some fruit sorted that out. I should be on the FOCC come Friday and I've gotten back to doing my exercises on the machine rather thank just walking.

I'm even going to try turning in a little earlier each night and see if that also gets me into these changes. Had a nice chat with a friend who phoned up to see how I was. Not absolutely certain I deserve the accolades about how cheerful I am and how I'm a good example and sort of "fight" this. It's interesting isn't it that from my point of view - I'm making the best of what I've got but I do have a PMA Positive Mental Attitude (most of the time - I falter a lot!). People see it as more than that and in a way if I give the assurance that Cancer isn't a death sentence then perhaps people who may have this later will remember the attitude and spirit.

That was quick

Dates for pre-assessment and operation are in:

8th June for pre-assessment and 20th June for the Operation.

Welcome back to the Roller Coaster.

However, I am planning to make some changes to my lifestyle once again this time I am going to follow a protocol that I was planning to last year. Steve Kelley sums it all up in this informative blog post HERE.

I intend to start this later this week when I get a new grinder and flax seeds and flax seed oil. I too am going to aim to have this for breakfast every day and I am also going to get back into regular exercise not the irregular exercise I have had these past 6 months. It is the end of the Masonic season and so I only have a few meals to go to in the next two months so I can stick to a diet and also ensure that I manage this over the summer period.

I can also get back to salads too.

The addition of FOCC into my diet will, I hope, in combination with a more stirct diet and exercise routine, ensure that I become fitter and give myself more chances to combat whatever else is coming down the line...

A good evening

It was nice to meet everyone yesterday and to be able to deliver a Eulogy for one of the past members of the Lodge. I hadn't realised that it was going to be quite so long but then again he had been at the heart of the Lodge and one of the "Fathers of the Lodge" so losing him was a final break with the earliest days of the foundation of the Lodge back in 1934.

Someone suggested that I send a copy to his widow and so I will sort that out today his funeral is on Friday not far from here. I will make sure I go to this one.

I find it quite interesting to spend more time reassuring people about my condition than I do thinking too much about it myself. It's inconvenient for me to many others it's a frightening thing as they don't understand what it is that they've found and I suppose people fear the worst. Of course it is treatable and it is a tiny area - nothing like the tumour they hooked out the first time.

For me it will be a bit of a worry in terms of what the grade is and whether or not I can get home the same day and what they will then need to do. I don't know how long they'll go at it before it becomes more pragmatic to do something radical - but that's off there in the future. I intend to take some of my own action about this - I'm just undecided on what that should take the form of at the moment. It also comes at a time when I need to be actively sorting things out and at a high intensity in terms of the business - which although we are running about 3 months or more late is nearing the point at which we can go out looking for investors.

Whoa

Got the prescription - I didn't get around to calling the GP again - however they want me to come in urgently for Blood Pressure test and a review - well that's better than an blood test. I'll make an appointment in that case and go and see them next week - hopefully they'll have an agreeable appointment time for me to go in. Mind you the main thing is that they keep to time - I've waited up to 40 minutes and by then my BP is going through the roof. Should be fun I suppose. I hope I don't get the straight talking GP - I don't like him much. I've never really forgiven him for suggesting that I'd have a general anaesthetic to then have a local procedure and then going to the wire before they gave me some Prosac = which I only needed for the first scope. I also wasn't greatly impressed, as I'd have to wait a few weeks, to be told that it probably was cancer. Yea, I hope I don't get to see him.

Ohhh you look fine....

That's because I am fine! Strange conversations - surreal stuff - I spend more time telling people I'm all right and not to worry about me than I do worrying about myself. It is so strange - those who don't know fear the worst - they don't get how - in my case - it is just a matter of getting into Hospital and being run through the production line and spat out the other end with another anomaly found, cut out and sent to the lab.

It's not exactly the way I suppose I should describe it but frankly the Hospitals treat you like a lump of meat that is processed and there's little recognition sometimes that you are a human being or have real feelings. They bung you on the conveyor - you have no control over what happens to you. It's impersonal and not a great experience - I suppose it isn't supposed to be.

I'm absolutely sure that half the people I spoke to tonight thought I was going to die - if not there and then on the spot then horribly in the next few weeks! People are funny :-)

Out Tonight and Tomorrow

At a few Lodge meetings which will be nice. I am off to a nice little meeting tonight and then we have my mother Lodge meeting tomorrow which I am looking forward to except for the heat in the room! It really needs to be air conditioned in this sort of weather. At least there will only be about 15 of us so that's OK - tomorrow might be a bit different as we around the 40 mark in the same room! I shall make sure that I'm well prepared for that.

As for me - well I'm surprisingly chip-per and quite upbeat I guess. I'm not looking forward to going and getting biopsies but there you go - it can't be helped and I suppose that the main thing is that they see what it is and decide what to do about it.

I'm doing some reading and research this weekend to see what I want to do in terms of life style changes. I don't really fancy doing too much but I feel I should make a further effort to move towards and even healthier lifestyle. It's just making sure that I don't do anything stupid along the way and have the wrong effect.

Phew

Well that was a day and a half - 07:30 in the morning I kicked off work and I finished about 09:30 in the evening! Two long meetings at the house (thank goodness) and suddenly the business is becoming a living being - at last.

As usual we draw great comfort from the work we have done so far and the approving noises that are made. We need to drill down one last time to one more layer of detail to hone in on the prices and we will be there.

I certainly feel that if I had to have done this up in London and then faced an 1 to 1.5 hour journey back it wouldn't have been as successful as it was.

Anyway - I'm still remarkably cheerful even though I've spent most of the day working :-)

Reasons to be Cheerful

1 2 3.

Well that old song says it all. I'm a cheerful chap normally and now is no exception really. I know people find it quite hard to get it when I've just been given what amounts to bad news and yet there you have the difference between someone who has gone through the mill and had 5 years worth of experience and someone looking in from the outside many of whom, of course, haven't had an experience with cancer or if they have probably know someone who died because of it.

A stoic battle, a brave and courageous fight, resolute to the end and all that stuff - which I am sorry - I don't mean to belittle at all. It is just that I remember my niece saying when she was quite small that she was frightened of going into hospital because people go there to die. Indeed her grandparents and others in her mother's side of the family had and so that was her only experience.

In a way my dealings with cancer are similar, my grandfather died and I wasn't allowed to see him (his request) in the end. Many friends died some in a very short space of time through cancer and so it isn't surprising that those looking at me are feeling somewhat bemused by my good humour and stoical pragmatic approach. Unfortunately for many of them my jokes haven't got any better and so they don't quite get what it is about me being so upbeat for. Sometimes even if I tell them they give me a sideways look. I have lots of messages about "being strong" well I suppose I intend to. The post before sort of alludes to this because of the 5 years of this now. Amazingly it is 5 years this July and around about this time 5 years ago I started my dream job - one I thought would see me through to retirement easily. It was somewhat unfortunate that it didn't - I'd still loved to have been there but as curiosity and serendipity would have it I'm hoping to work with them providing their solution to the new business and one of the guys I used to work for may actually help us in a Joint Venture too so how bad is that?

I have to say the thought of an operation isn't great - I intend to see if I can get an "in and an out" on the same day if possible - I will ask for it - I do hate the experience and after the last time - where I had a terrible, terrible experience - I want to ensure that I never go through that particular experience ever again. I've told my Consultant what I thought about it and will make sure that everyone is aware this time too.

I already can feel a prickle on the back of my left hand where the cannula goes :-( That's the worst bit really - well unless they stick a catheter in which is probably on the same level of hatred. However, it's what needs to happen - I can't stop it, I can't make it go away and I have to go through with it so the die is cast and that's your lot basically. What else are you going to do?

So now - I think it's just got to be what it's got to be and lets get on with it and sort things out as soon as possible. Sure it's inconvenient and all that good stuff but at the end of the day - they'll patch me up, fix me up, dust me off and send me on my way and that will be that. I'll live to fight another day and lots of my friends didn't get that opportunity they didn't get the option. For their sakes as well as my own - I really shouldn't be down or in anyway negative about the situation I'm in. I still get to see my family and friends and that's a big, big positive.

If you don't know

You don't know - so many of my friends are really worried about me but they don't need to be. I've a fair way to go before they have to worry about me :-) If they find this little red spot is cancerous then they can treat it and I can have all sorts of things done. If those don't work then perhaps I'll have to lose the bladder. If that happens - I should still be able to live (and possibly beat my mates at drinking games too!). I'm in a happy place because I don't need to turn up at my doctors in 10 years time to find a huge lump that's metathesized into my body and will end up being really difficult to treat and may hasten my inevitable demise.

I spend quite a bit of time telling everyone that's things are going to be OK - because they will. It's the nature of the beast....

I've said it before that if you actually got to choose your cancer then Bladder Cancer isn't so bad because they keep their eye on you for the rest of your life - if they see anything they sort it out. That can't be bad at all can it?

Maybe my 5 years worth of this stuff is now paying off and I'm like those people I complained about 5 years ago who treated this like it was an everyday occurrence! I couldn't believe the matter of fact attitude then - now I "get it"

It's probably a good thing to be a little frightened about cancer - that's only natural. Those who've never had it find it difficult to understand why I'd be quite so upbeat about having to get this red spot biopsied.

Light of Day

I'm in a good place this morning. Things look fine, life's back to normal (well what we describe as normal in this house) and I'm happy that I've had a good night's sleep and that I can now rationalise where I am.

I'm now thinking about what response I need to make in relation to this news. By that I mean that my medical team are going to do an operation, take biopsies and come up with a plan what they want to do. Likewise, I need to come up with a plan about what I need to do. The trouble with Bladder Cancer is that it can recur and it can be treated but can I do anything, in myself, to stop it? I've changed my lifestyle - but have I changed it enough? Those are the questions I need to ask myself now.

My GP of a few years ago, sadly now no longer at the practice - I got on with him really well - suggested to me that I don't live like a Hermit. That lifestyle changes needed to be balanced. I had managed to flip into the most frugal diet when I should have been eating to repair myself. So I'm going to spend a little time mulling over what I am going to do to take charge of the situation myself.

It isn't as disappointing or upsetting as you may think it is - if you know this disease - you know this can happen but it isn't like when I was diagnosed when it had been growing inside me unknown about and was a major problem when the symptoms arrived. This is a small red patch that they can't identify from a scope - early doors - easy to do something about.

No, I'm OK about this. Other's are having difficulty with it - I do my best to reassure them more that I have to reassure myself.

Hiding the disappointment

I'm pretty disappointed but I'm not in a bad place at all. I'm kind of resigned to where I am but I've decided to think about why I've got a recurrence and what I should do about it.

In a way I'm a passenger but I wonder if I should get myself into a different regime once again. I will take a few days to figure things out - a good night's sleep will help and see if my head levels everything out and see what it all looks like in the morning.

Oh Dear

Mmm, well a possible recurrence - they found a small (tiny) red raised area. So I've now got to go in and get a rigid cystoscopy perhaps in a month or so. I'll just have to wait and see what it is and what they are going to do about it.

I'm a little disappointed of course but after all, this is what the check ups are meant to resolve.

So now to just relax a bit - I'm stinging a little as the doctor was poking around a little bit more than usual.

So the journey changes again and once they've worked out what it is (I think we all know what it is) then we'll know what to do about it.

Well here we are

Less than an hour away. I shaved and showered, check list is completed and my bag contains a light dressing gown, water, Ibuprofen, Paracetamol, my Kindle (e-Reader) my MP3 player is plugged into earphones and in my ears keeping me breathing nicely. I have my sandals and I'm drinking coffee after a light breakfast and also a pint of water before I go - it's important to be hydrated so I had a few pints of water last night just so I'm ahead of the game today as I need to be passing water through to minimise the effects of the scope.

It's a 20 minute walk from here - but I will allow 30 minutes and take it easy. a 9:15 appointment probably means it is the first one so if I get there a few minutes early it may make things easier for them and for me.

I have enough things to read or listen to if I am delayed. I feel a little heightened and a little stressy - not surprising I suppose. It is a lovely day outside and I need to remind myself that not everyone is as lucky as I am to be on the other side and being checked.

Not Long to go Now

Mmm,

I've been out tonight and had a couple of beers with the lads. It is the last night of Lodge of Instruction and the next one isn't until 26th September (I think). Our last Lodge meeting is Saturday and that's us done until November!

I'm pottering around at the moment, have sorted out some drink to take with me to Hospital. Will also drink a few pints of water before bed - I want to be well hydrated tomorrow so as to ensure that I can give a sample on arrival and also to make sure that I pee a lot during the day after the procedure. You need to do this to sort of get over the cystoscopy.

I'm feeling neutral at the moment, perhaps a little nervy but not as bad as I was earlier today.

I really hope for a good outcome and these days I'm not going for the negative vibes before going in. I used to do that because then I'd be ready for anything. But - who am I kidding doing that now? Sure - I will be devastated if it isn't good news but - I'll have to roll with that.

I have a lot of issues about having had cancer and that is the worry that perhaps I'll get some other form of it or this will come back and "get me". Anyway - I'll see how I get on tomorrow - I hope that I'll be fine and also hope that things will be OK again. I'm half committed to not doing any work tomorrow as a sort of reward - I'll see how I am on my return.

Not much better

I think it's OK to be on edge a bit before heading off for Judgement Day. I'm definitely distracted and my mind is wandering off a fair bit as I'm trying to work.

I've written my list of things to do ready for tomorrow. I've had another bizarre call with the GPs today. They don't know quite what the note on my prescription form was all about I need to call back tomorrow (no chance of that) or perhaps Wednesday to find out what they want! It couldn't have been mega urgent then - they thought it might be a call to come in and see the nurse or some such thing. Ho hum.

It's been another bad week - had another 2 deaths this week one an old member of the Lodge and one the wife of a deceased member. There just appears to be one after the other this month - I think it is 3 this month, 2 last month and well January was just awful!

Anyway - it looks as if I'll be fretful all the way up to the Peek and Poke tomorrow. Let's hope that works out OK and I can get my head back in gear!

Wobbly Moments

Well - it's 24 hours to Judgement Hour of Judgement Day and so it isn't surprising that some nerves will kick in. I've also to ring the GPs today and see what this strange note on my repeat prescription means. There is a note on my repeat which I got in March I suppose - that says Review Appointment to be made no later than the 22/1/2011. Even I can't make time stand on its head like that :-) Pretty impressive if they can.

We had a nice day out on Sunday at the Spa Hotel in Tunbridge Wells - a really pleasant lunchtime event and Flocky Bicep chose a really nice bottle of Red Wine which just hit the mark.

Today is one of those funny days - I can feel I am on edge and a little stressy - but not much - it's just bubbling underneath enough to notice and enough to be a little distracting.

Anyway - this time tomorrow I'll know what the results will be. I had a terrible night's sleep though - it took hours to drop off then I had the most awful dreams and feel a little exhausted this morning to add to the rest of it - I expect that it will be the same tonight.

I suppose everyone goes through this doubting, worrying phase just before. I know that it will "be what it will be" but even so, the fear and the little voice in the back of your head is of a recurrence....

Nice Day

We went over to see A's Gallery where she is an intern. She has been allowed to put her own work in the gallery and has 3 photographs. Flocky Bicep - bless him - also came along. It was opening day and it looked quite nice. Amy's photographs look really good in a gallery situation and her web site is coming along nicely. We had to laugh at her blog site as she hadn't used a spell checker which was quite funny.

Tomorrow we are off to a lunch at a rather nice Hotel - we hope it will be an improvement on last year's lunch.

So how does that work then?

I arranged by email for my appointment to be at 10:30 on the 24th May - I didn't want the 20th as I was due out the next day and was being a bit risk averse. So I got the letter yesterday for an appointment at 09:15 on the 17th May - next Tuesday! It doesn't worry me that much and at least it will be out of the way quicker this way. I dropped them a note acknowledging the change and letting them know about my sample - normally they want 2 weeks clear to sort that out!

So this time next week I'll know the results. Cool. I'm not as worried about things as I used to be but I guess that is because I don't need to be put out for an operation to take biopsies. I'm also, in a way quite glad that they pronounce their opinion there and then rather than having to wait weeks to find out what is going on like before, you tend to get told straight away what is happening and that means no waiting and worrying. I've also got to a stage now where - it will be what it will be - there's nothing I can do at the moment (other than the usual no smoking, diet and all that good stuff) I can do about it and if it is clear it will be great - if not - well - it will be disappointing but they can do something about it.

Head Freeze

Wow - I've been doing some figure work today and my head is about to stop working :-) Loads and loads of figures to do with the population in the UK distributed by postcode and then working out market opportunity by postcode and then knocking out commission tables and all sorts of other stats. That was this afternoon - in the morning I worked on centralising the statistics for the business into a "single version of the truth".

It's all happening like crazy at the moment which I suppose is good - I need to be in about three places at once but that's not such a bad thing :-)

Off for a beer with my old school chums tonight so looking forward to that.

A quieter week

Thank goodness for a quieter week this week. Sometimes you get weeks like the last one - there were only 4 working days and I felt as if I had been going for a fortnight, got that rotten cold but mercifully it all but disappeared on Saturday. I slept it off I think. Went to see A's exhibition which was OK but I get some modern art but some of the other things you see don't make any sense whatsoever. Mind you, I have a high regard for creative people - I am creative in a way but these guys get some amazing ideas - massive lateral thinking and then they execute on that.

Our designers are just great as they can take an idea and turn it into images and words that I'd not think about for ages.

My business partner is due over this morning and we can set our week up as we need to press on and make some serious progress.

I note I'm not concentrating much on the blog or much else these days but - that's just the way it has to be with so much going on. I did manage to get my cytology urine sample into the Hospital on Saturday rather than the due date tomorrow and so Judgement Day is 15 days away now.

Getting better

Thank goodness - I had a good night's sleep and then this morning felt a lot better. Did my Urine Cytology test and dropped that off to the Hospital, watched qualifying for F1 and then had a long sleep in the afternoon and that appears to have done me good apart from it's 00:45 and I really should be in bed!

I watched a few DVDs tonight - a couple of favourites, Fearless (Jet Li) and Memento. Both are really interesting films. Memento really screws with your head - just how I like my films.

I'm sneezing away still but at least the blocked nose is now gone.

I had a bit of a flash back to a chat I had with an old friend a few years back when we were reminiscing about how long we'd known each other and I'm guessing it was pretty soon after I was first diagnosed. I reckoned that all the grand ideas I had about changing the world were probably unfulfilled - I sort of felt like that back then - and she said that there was still time to make your mark and to change the world and that it was never too late. I recollect those words now because it's really interesting that someone mentioned to me that what we were doing was game changing, scene changing, something completely new. I hope that others too think that this is true and will come on the journey with us because if we do get it right, it will change the world but I'm aiming at making just one or two people's lives better first. It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness as the saying goes..

I hate having a cold

I really do - and I'm all blocked up and heady and now need my bed but am just so uncomfortable lying down with all this congestion. I read Jeanne's blog again tonight about her decision to stop taking treatment. That's pretty brave - she isn't commenting too much about it at the moment but to me, in a way, I can see the logic of it quite plainly. Having had a series of treatments I can only say that if I were to get them again, which is likely, I'd do it because I'm still fit and pretty healthy and whilst they shook me to my core and tested my mettle, I knew that they were highly likely to do the trick and sort me out. They did, it wasn't pleasant but if you know that it's working then you can tolerate it.

I imagine when you aren't feeling the benefit or the treatment is worse than having the disease itself you will think differently about such things. I'm certain that must be the case.

I'd better toddle off to bed and see how I am in the morning, I've already split my lip with the sneezing and made my nose bleed so goodness knows what I'll be like tomorrow. The Turkish Grand Prix is on so I will be happy to see that - we are expecting a small heatwave but also with that major storms in isolated areas so the weekend looks like it could be fun.

The country has voted to keep the status quo and the old voting system - the same one as returned Bush to the US even though he had less of the overall vote. We could have changed that but somehow the willingness wasn't there. Badly marketed if you ask me - but you didn't :-)

Business seemed to get a real kick in the pants this week - I hope to be up for doing some work this weekend to record all the things I managed to do this week.

Make of it what you will

A post from Jeanne HERE starts my morning off thinking about what it takes to make this sort of decision. I have no problem with the decision made. I've heard about it and thought about it but wondered how I'd make that decision.

You can understand it if you were always having treatment and always having stuff stuck into you and forever in and out of hospital and always having some sort of trouble. After a while there has to be a point when you want to stop the world spinning as you want to get off.

As I said, it isn't a matter of debate, it's a matter of fact and a brave thing to do but also, you can see a point where you come to that decision. I imagine as you arrive there is a double edged sword, you feel suddenly at peace and at the same time it allows a level of closure, composure and order to be brought into what is left of your life.

Is it a cold?

I feel like poo - have felt bad since late last night and couldn't work out what it is - I bet someone gave me this cold on the train or tube! Bugger it, I'm sneezing away and have a sore throat and had to carry much of that through the meeting today! It was a pleasant affair but where did the rain come from? We were meant to have another sunny day and when I got to London it was tipping it down!

It is A's Exhibition - starting tomorrow and she has also just launched her web site which looks quite good so far. She is beginning to put some of her work on there as an online portfolio. She has her Exhibition work up there already. I can see that she will be busy building her brand and making it a good portfolio site. Her exhibition runs for the next three days so we plan to go along on Sunday to see it and lend our support. She tells me that she should be OK to pass to year 3 of her course as she hasn't had any bad news about this project and exhibition so that probably means that things are on course to be good for her.

L goes off tomorrow to Cambridge to see a Uni there and have a look around. Bless her, she cannot get into teaching, they have thousands of candidates for very few places but it appears that her favourites subject being maths there are courses that can combine her business and maths. Whilst she is up there she will be seeing her boyfriend too - interesting!

I can get back to doing some work tomorrow - I seem to have been out every day this week but not to have achieved a great deal!

May the Force

Be with you or as it is May the 4th, May the 4th be with you.......

OK a cheap shot but you deserve it :-)

So Awareness day - great here it is http://www.bcan.org/take-action/awareness/ and great it is a US thing. Well actually - as I told them years ago - Bladder Cancer doesn't just thwack US citizens - it's world wide! Yep, it is!

So just maybe one day we'll work out that the bigger picture is the one to look at.

I still like the Tee-Shirt "F**k Advocacy - find a cure!!!"

Anyway - every little helps I suppose.

Judgement Day is now

24th May at 10:30 which is good - gets it out of the way - I was going to go for the 20th but I have a meeting the next day and wanted to make sure I could go just in case something happened.

They are pretty good at getting back to me and giving me flexibility of dates. Will have to see how it goes this time and let's hope that it is a clear and lets me move to a six month routine...

Glad it is sorted though - I should have had it done by now.

So - What a Day

What a long old day that was - home at 09:30 pm thanks to Mrs. F. who came and picked me up.

Missed out on lunch so ended up grabbing a burger at the Hotel - which was pricey but I needed something. I walked from Charing Cross to Holborn and then from Holborn to Baker Street and did a little circuit around Marylebone where I used to work. Then we had a good couple of hours meeting and I wound my way home - very good meeting and another early tomorrow. This week is going to be full on in terms of work and play being out again all day Wednesday and most of Thursday.

I'm feeling OK about that and I also need to get back to working on my weight again which with this sedentary lifestyle has started to come on again. Not sure how far I walked today but I'd guess around 5 miles including the walk to the station at this end. It was a lovely day though and walking through London and around some of the back streets of the the West End is a very pleasant way to spend the day.

I've just dropped a reminder off to the Hospital to see when they want to see me for a peek and a poke. It's strange - I don't look forward to it but at the same time - getting the reassurance or not as the case maybe is also important as I tend to think any ailment I have these days is potentially cancer. That's a bit of the territory I guess.

I'm feeling charged though right now - really exciting times, people are talking to us now about what we are doing and we are getting some impetus and some traction. We have a team being built which is good and we need to move things on a bit in the next few weeks. I feel a blitz like state coming on for a month or two to get us shifting along.

Emotions

I have often mentioned that the one highly notable result of having had cancer is this propensity to have highly emotional reactions to a number of situations. I find myself keeping in check a lot. For an example, I've cited the Bambi moment before as bringing me close to breaking down and stupid things seem to do this to me but here are two moments, quite far apart where I had to try hard to control myself.

The film "The Passion of the Christ" I watched for the first time last week - it was the most devastating portrayal of the Passion I have ever seen and stirred huge emotions. If you've seen it, then you probably felt the same? The scourging was absolutely awful and for once - and I don't know how he did it, it felt like you were not watching but you were sharing the pain. It was late a night I was on my own, I was moved and I was in bits. Films do this to me if I am into them and I think it was very much the shock of this film. However, I can be like this with Amelie, Schindler's List and many other films. So what you may say?

Then there's stuff like the Royal Wedding. I didn't watch it as I found myself moved by that too. It wasn't just the ceremony it was the people who were out in force and it was because they were engaged in something special, it was a moving time for them and special.

And here's the problem - it's about the experience, the moment and the enjoyment, its about the tragedy and the moment, and the time and the humanity of it and its about something I no longer have but have great empathy with. I came so close to losing it all that seeing others less fortunate than myself or losing upsets me, seeing a recurrence is also a set back, seeing people enjoy themselves and enjoy a moment, share an experience is also important as what is survival all about if not that.

Then there's the potential that surviving isn't all about what you thought it might be but life being precious is.

I'll stop there - I need to as it isn't making logic or sense but then, I've found out that this the way of it, it's the way it is and I have to live with it for now.

Work Work Work

All day today - still cracking on at 8 pm but have decided to put it down now as I've been doing it for 10 hours now and that's enough for today.

I'm hoping that the next few weeks will see us getting very close to going to talk to investors. We could certainly do with having those sorts of conversations soon as we are coming up for 1 year's work already - it hardly seems possible but a year it is in early June.

Royal Wedding

And I watched a little of it - we do this stuff well in the UK I always think. I've tried to do some work today but feel quite tired - it's been one of those heavy weeks without actually knowing it. We are accelerating the business and I have meetings all over the place next week. We don't stop until Friday and then we can draw breath and move on to greater things. That's the plan.

The pace that things have begun to move at shouldn't be surprising because now we are getting to a point of real momentum and additionally word is getting around about what we are doing and people are beginning to come to talk to us rather than the other way around.

A friend has undergone a procedure on his throat for the removal of a tumour. He has already gone through radiation therapy some years ago - he now has to wait for a couple of weeks to see if it is malignant or benign. It brings back my own fears - which reminds me that I've not heard from the Hospital as of yet. He is pretty stoic and has had to revert to writing so he can rest his voice and throat.

As he said, you are more susceptible to getting cancer if you've already had it. I didn't particularly want to hear that though, I was hoping that the increased immune system I now have may have given me some sort of super powers :-)

It is very strange having all this time off with bank holidays for Easter and now for the Royal Wedding today followed by May Day on Monday. I'll make a mental note to rest for at least one if not two days - I really want to work through the whole weekend but I'm not sure that's such a good idea...

A Few Days

Since I last blogged - that's how busy it is this week - absolutely crazy week - good but crazy and tiring and exciting and amazing already. Why? Well, it looks as if we have started to generate buzz about our business. As people realise what it is and understand it they want to get involved and take us places. So that took some time up and then we have been just working and getting stuff finished and pulled together - the financial spreadsheets are pretty awesome beasts and I'm fascinated by their complexity and elegance. They near completion as do my plans and we have also spoken to a design agent and a potential partner organisation. They have a potential outlet for what we want to do. Not only that they have been thinking about where we can go with them. They already have global reach and we need that ourselves too.

So that's the upside. the downside is that I lie awake thinking about various scenarios because my brain is absolutely flying with all the possibilities there are. It's pretty much exciting times at last - we've worked our way through the drudgery of completing some of our work but now we are really beginning to see the value - especially in the depth of knowledge we have about our subject. Great stuff....

The End Game Starts

The business end game that is - we are in the 3rd quarter or whatever analogy you want to make. Tomorrow we meet potential design/graphic business I know - they may be able to do something for us and we also have an appointment to see my old colleague who raised about £4M last year and chat to him about raising some money and getting a partnering agreement between our organisations.

I worked for most of the afternoon on some due diligence work on various forms of capital and then on a new document to capture all the statistics we know about to help build our case, I printed off the slide set for tomorrow and got it into my A4 portfolio.

I'm just about set now to get going and looking forward to a day out to kick start things. We are getting very close but tying up all the loose ends is taking a while and we still have more to do and I have very little time coming up with all sorts of interruptions!

Beautiful Weather for a change

The whole weekend has been very good, sunshine, very warm for April and it's been nice to see it. We went out on Sunday and had a few beers and a barbecue with friends. He celebrated staying off beer for lent. I fell off my chair and we had a bag of laughs wandering home at about 11 last night.

Today - I'm back on the PC, working away as we have a couple of interesting meetings to attend to with the business which really is ramping up now - so much so that I've spent a little longer over the weekend working on that than I perhaps should have.

I saw an amusing cancer Tee Shirt the other day in a picture it said "F*ck awareness, find a cure" well it amused me :-)

I'm still pondering over why my GP would put a not on my repeat prescription, that I'm not going to read until the next time I get a prescription to come and see them no later than the 22nd January 2011? It's a bit bizarre if you ask me. I'll give them a call before I get the repeat prescription to see what it is all about and ask why they don't just email, SMS or telephone me? It's hardly proactive.

More stories of appalling customer service - one by our ISP who screwed up the company emails making us look like a bunch of dorks and another where the customer service people seeded fear and doubt until the Supply of Goods and Services Act was appropriately dropped into the conversation when miracle of miracles things got sorted. We intend never to have a business like that - it cannot be beyond the realms of possibility that you can run a business AND look after your customers.

Oh well - back to work and back to looking out on this beautiful day.

Dashed in

Out of the rain - a passing thunderstorm brought on by the ferociously hot weather. We held the Easter Egg Hunt this morning and it went really well - we had a good number of children (about 26 or maybe 28 - I can't quite work out my handwriting).

We had plenty of eggs for all and we had a Fancy Dress Parade - we perhaps should have done something a bit more on the marketing side - but then that's down to sh1t for brains "mr jobsworth" in the office who wouldn't send out our email. I think I might work on something a little more dynamic next year. Anyway, the residents loved it, we had to screen the eggs. We had face painting and good fun and the adults were as excited as the kids :-)

Hopefully this rain will pass - it has at least cooled us down.

Just found a note on my prescription to get in to see my GP before 22nd January 2011!!!!! That's a little bit well hidden as this is my latest prescription! It sort of looks urgent but if it was you'd have thought that they'd have rung me? Why stick it on a repeat prescription - I never look at those until I need more pills!

It's a great Bank Holiday for once

I was saying to someone the other day that it has been 21 years since we had a nice warm Easter like this and it was when A was born - I suppose you associate things like the first born with something or things. This weekend is set fair and it has been beautiful today and I - well I have been sat at my computer working. I know I can only imagine what you are saying!

I had some accounts to do and a few letters to write and other stuff to get done. Tomorrow is the Easter Egg Hunt - the 4th since I had cancer and about the 15th I think in terms of how long I've been involved. It could be the last - it depends on what we find tomorrow when we get there. At least we will be outside - we have for the past two years been indoors. 3 years ago I wasn't allowed to do anything as I'd just had the first lot of biopsies and wasn't in great shape :-)

I realised that all the time I've had BC I've carried on with all the usual things, I think that's not a bad thing but sometimes I wonder why I bother at all. If no one turns up tomorrow because they wouldn't advertise it, then I will kick it into touch I think.

Now to stop sitting indoors and get out and have a beer and kick off the barbecue and start to enjoy the weekend.

It's Turning Out to be a BAD Year Already!

Another death which surprised me greatly - as I wasn't expecting this one. I'd had a bit of a "to do" with him last year and was quite surprised about the way he treated me and it was all over nothing as far as I was concerned but just a bizarre incident where he owed some money to the Lodge and was a bit put out that I asked for it. So we had a few letters cross in the post and a few chats - but I was very concerned as it wasn't like him and I voiced concerns about his behaviour last year thinking that he was "losing it".

It appears that he probably found out, about that time that he had Lung Cancer and that's possibly why I got an ear full from him at the time and if you are going to lash out then the nearest person will do.

This is the second death in the Lodge this week and the third in 3 weeks. Added to the other stuff that has gone on with deaths in families and all-sorts it has made for a pretty bad start to 2011. I suppose we will get to hear some more at the meeting tomorrow. As Treasurer it answers some questions around what's been going on as it appears that the person I informed was sworn to secrecy and so couldn't tell me what was going on.

Ewwwwww Yuk

Having a slow old day today, hard to get going and the work I am doing is gutty and repetitive and I have to alter three documents at once so they all reflect the changes :-)

I just can't get enthused about it at all and so time is dragging and I'm getting easily distracted - like writing this blog entry!

It doesn't help that my tinnitus is very bad at the moment - I have a lot of noise in my ears that I cannot get rid of. Using loud music isn't helping as I'm losing concentration.

Oh well - it isn't going to get done without me struggling on through :-(

A Nice Evening Out

It's nice to get out with some friends for a beer (or three) and a curry. We had a great evening and had some real laughs. I like being the "surreal" comedian and it was al going well and all was funny and someone on the next table piped up and it was a friend of mine - so that got things going even better.

I then found a note to this fantastic clip. you need to go full screen and full HD if you can as it really is superb - my 18.4" screen HD and surround sound does it justice.

I hope that you like it - it has a sound track from Ludovico Euinadi - it's really nice - I hope you agree.

The Mountain from Terje Sorgjerd on Vimeo.

The Power of Nothingness

Nothingness - if that is a word is what I sometimes feel myself having the power of. Nothing, nada, zip. It's a feeling of helplessness for my fellow patients and human beings. I see suffering and I can do nothing about it, I'm too far away or unable to effect an outcome or make things better, give huge amounts of money or do anything else like it.

I desperately don't want to appear to be a selfish person and yet, I think perhaps I ought to turn into someone who is as I haven't got the time or the ability to help. I can say words, do small actions but that is it. In the great scheme of things I can only affect those around me and over which I have some control. I see people all over the place who are suffering their own problems and feel bad about it.

I should, of course, know better than that - and I do. It's the guilt of being unable to do anything that's so annoying. A lot of these people I don't even know and I still feel bad. It's a strange emotion I have to say.

I just need to concentrate on myself a little bit more, I heard myself worrying about someone else today and was "politely told" that I had done my bit and it was all that was needed, I couldn't continue to try and alter things if that person didn't want to reciprocate.

So I must try harder to be harder on myself and to accept that whilst it is admirable to want to help everyone, in reality that just isn't ever going to happen.

Whilst I am thinking like this let's have some thoughts and prayers for this lady who needs to undergo some more treatment this week. She's been battling away for a long time and recording it in her blog.

Living Life Outside of the Circle

I consider myself to be a bit aloof and slightly outside of the normal. I've always been like that so it doesn't particularly bug me and yet, I do consider that since Bladder Cancer I have moved further outside of the normal.

It's just a feeling these days that I revolve around in my own circle which exists outside of everyone else's circle. My relationships are more remote. Gentler but more remote and that's just one of those things I guess. Life changed immeasurably of course, as it would and so this just to be expected I guess.

No one here's got post traumatic stress or other complaint - things have just - well - just changed and whilst there's lots of positives, there are also the downright obvious outcomes and many of these include this being outside of the group, not one of the team, not one of the family and yet at the same time it's not being brushed off or ignored it's being just outside the circle.

It's an observation and it isn't deeply troubling or worrying and yet I realise it is there. I'm not sure I want to go back to the way it was before - I doubt it would work and it's important to move forward. The issue really is that my life has changed massively, no one has changed with me, I've just got to get on and make the most of it. I have work to keep me occupied - I just hope that something comes of it - it's been almost a year now of quite hard slog - but we are getting nearer the end game - so I hope that it will perhaps give me some other diversion.

Funny Old Week

I've been exceedingly angry this week. There's some serious stuff going down in the world and right across the board there is upheaval and disquiet. There's a lot that we aren't being told but what do our news editors give us? A slurry of celebrities who have some sort of problems. Quite how you can turn bipolar overnight and then manage to go on to make two films is still beyond me and quite how these super rich people live their lives isn't in the slightest interest to me. Somehow it is news? Thousands of people dead in Japan but we hardly hear about their plight - it's off the radar now yet some actor gets a mention before some of the important news.

So, perhaps - I'll get that out of my system. I see that I'll have to go elsewhere for my news and information so as not to get my head stuck full of bollocks and mush pedalled as news!

I'm looking forward to the weekend - another Grand Prix and I've managed to break the back of a particularly gutty piece of work that should almost complete the planning work for the business. My Business partner is back from training and we will get heads together next week and then I hope that we will have a few visits out to meet people and get some traction in terms of building the business. Of course - it will be chaos in London what with the Wedding and Easter etc. So many holidays in just a short period of time are going to be disruptive. Then in early May I have the normal week from hell when I have wall-to-wall meetings.

In all of this angst and bother I note that I haven't heard from the Hospital about being seen for a scope - I suppose I had better drop them a line if I haven't heard soon? It would be good to get that out of the way ASAP so I can have a clear summer.

Still Ranting

You can't believe the space they give over in the news - and the BBC are getting worse at it, to so called celebrities as if it is national news. Things like earthquakes, politics, things happening around the world, wars, that sort of thing. Now we get some irritating celebrity getting a 2 minutes slot plus a panel of experts to discuss how traumatised she must be. Sheeeesh!

The whole world is bloody crazy and falling into a spin doctor world where we will be reporting on some actor or actress having a sodding headache or a bad tooth. These people DO NOT matter, they are there to entertain us, they get very, very, very handsomely paid to do so and they live a great life, they have people to do everything for them down to wiping their arses I don't doubt. Bit they aren't news, they aren't intelligentsia, they aren't professors, presidents and prime minister, they have opinions but they don't make policy. These days they are held up as icons and somehow everyone's bought into the bollocks that is celebrity.

Well it makes me mad (as you can tell). I'm trying to find any reasons left why I should watch the BBC which was at one time the best, most balanced reporting you could find, now days they just make it up and don't even verify their stories sometimes relying on hearsay and then having to track back.

Anyway - the space given over to some people online and on TV just makes you wonder if there isn't any news out in the wide world - I might as well go and buy Hello magazine and get all my important news from there.

What - you really have to be joking - Mr. Angry Rant

This is a RANT - I find this rot and bunkum absolutely offensive and the worst sort of self publicity possible. Amazingly it even upstaged the problems in Japan, Iran and Libya!

Have a look at this LINK

Now you tell me what is wrong with it? Let's look at it a bit shall we?

"Catherine Zeta Jones has received treatment for bipolar disorder after dealing with the stress of her husband's battle with throat cancer." Really?

I was quite shocked and went to have a word with Mrs. F. about it and she isn't traumatised or any such thing. Mind you she isn't looking to resurrect her career and her publicist hasn't told her that her name hasn't been in my blog for at least 30 milliseconds.

It gets worse - no believe me - you'd best go get the sick bag now...

"Zeta Jones's publicist Cece Yorke said the actress sought treatment for the condition following the stress of her husband's cancer fight."

"After dealing with the stress of the past year, Catherine made the decision to check in to a mental health facility for a brief stay to treat her bipolar II disorder," said Yorke."

"She's feeling great and looking forward to starting work this week on her two upcoming films."

Well how f*****g sad is that exactly - I guess all those millions you'll get from them will help sort it out for you - get a grip woman!

GET REAL - all the really distressed people who find that they have no income because of cancer and the real distress of meaning their kids go without basics, who can't afford medical (I'm looking outside the UK here folks) and who fall down the poverty trap - yes - I can fully understand that it would screw your mind and that the stress would get you. These poor sods have no money, nowhere to turn to, no bloody leach PR consultants and spin doctors - they've got to get on with life and all the shit, muck and bullets thrown at them. Someone once said that they know what is wrong with these people and that is that they have a very high opinion of themselves and they don't realise that all they actually are - are actors and people of passing interest. They aren't as important as they think they are and they surely must be pretty stupid to believe that they can actually hold an opinion on anything as they haven't got the balls to get out of their cosseted artificial, vacuous self centred existence and actually do something about it. They are full of hurt and wish to be considered one of the people suffering like we do?

5 minutes alone with anyone of them - please - just let me have my 5 minutes whilst I explain what way up really is.

For MD and CZJ - let's think about how bad it could have got for them? Yea right, nanny may needed to look after the kids a few more hours. Specialist doctors on hand, no waiting in queues and all that. Treatment immediately, private rooms, top oncologist, chauffeured service, nurse at home 24/7. My god it must have rattled her brain to have had to have all those specialists in a one-to-one situation when the rest of us plebs have to take the 5 minutes session, bang them in pile them up sessions we have in our quest to get diagnosed and treated. Stop whining and get on doing what you are meant to be good at, being screen dressing for good actors FFS!

I find it downright offensive reading this utter crap. If you're that ill surely you can't go on a film set.

Grrrrrr - Flame - arggggh!!!!

The utter bollocks these people of notoriety come out with goes beyond the pale. Thank god she's Welsh at least we don't have to say she comes from England. I'm so pleased that she has decided to live in the US at least we wont have her joining in with all the ne'er-do-wells and bleaters in the UK - you have our permission to banish her to some other distant country too.

MMmmm - I feel a hell of a lot better after that rant.

It's all about life

I notice that these days - it's all about life, not bladder cancer at all. That may mean nothing to you at all but it might just suggest that there's life after all the worry, depression, treatment, appointments, pain, grunge, waiting, gobbledegook words from doctors, tests, waiting, diagnosis, ups and downs. After a while these things fade away and you just - well - get on with it.

I'm just living again now and getting used to it. Sure I have a completely different temperament and attitude (some would say it is good!) and a different outlook and demeanour. I'm really focussing in on rebuilding and my new business has at its heart a desire to make changes in people's lives - good changes - that's important now.

I've taken a step away from being a victim. I've been through all of that and suddenly, I'm getting my life back. It isn't all plain sailing of course. I have to rebuild relationships, have to accept that some of them will never be rebuilt. I have to get on with things now and stop being the one all this happened to. That's behind me now and I now try to move on each day.

When you've got your life back - it needs you to do something with it. I've got to reinvent myself, I have to get my strength back (you can't believe how much of that mental and physical strength has been depleted). Additionally, you have to stop looking at yourself and your problems and lift your eyes upwards to some new challenges and to set goals that will allow you to conquer your fears, follow your dreams and go forward once more to get on with your life.

This blog has turned from being about bladder cancer and all that went with it to the fallout I still have but more importantly to begin to realise that there are other things out there that need to be tackled and that I can use my experience to bring to bear to solve problems and to help others. High ideals - that's what you should be left with post Bladder Cancer. Targets to strive to achieve, goals and objectives to meet but, more important than all of that is having purpose and to use my skills and experience to change other people's lives. That's what I now strive to achieve and I hope that the business we want to build might attract sufficient funding to allow me to achieve that vision.

Meet the boyfriend

Not mine - my youngest daughter's new young man - well her first as far as I know. Bless him, he is about 6' 5" or 6" I guess and just fits under our door frames. He seems a nice enough young man and so I'm pretty OK with that. A - apart from her first boyfriend - "who brought the vacuum cleaner" was my first reaction to him has had nice young men and now L appears to have met a nice one too. Let's hope so, he certainly appears to have the same sense of humour and interests so I hope they get on well. Shame they are so far apart geographically. He is here for a couple of days and let's see how that goes.

Had a boozy old day today - met a friend who has finally got a job - after a year - I forgot that he drinks but doesn't eat at the same time so I got home absolutely starving and with quite a few beers on board. Luckily I had a 30 minute nap and was able to pull myself together to go out tonight and ended up having a few more beers there too!

I am also out tomorrow and Wednesday. At least tomorrow I am not drinking - I'll be driving so wont touch any.

Wednesday I'll be having a meal and a few glasses of wine. Hopefully that will be the lot for the weekend.

My friend who had the cancer scare became a father yesterday which is fabulous news. Now there are two things to be delighted about for him and his wife. As I said to him - welcome to the land of the poor. As A used to have on her Tee-Shirt "I can spend money faster than you can earn it!" I have no doubt that this remains true to this day.

Weekend

Well it was a good weekend and so much happened. I cam down early Sunday morning to watch the Grand Prix -opened the living room door and there were at least two people sleeping on the floor! So I had to creep back out and watch the begining of the GP on my laptop! I had already had a distrubed night - I'd gone to bed at just gone one - no one was sleeping in the living room then after having seen that the party stuff was cleared up, the doors were locked etc. at 5:20 all I could hear was an alarm which was one of the other house guests - who had forgotten to turn it off.

A had her fancy dress party and all was well. Tomorrow she is off early to go to Paris - I'm sure she will have a lovely time - one of my favourite cities but I also worked there too and so have fond memories of my times there.

I couldn't tell you where the weekend went to its been a spots fest with the GP, Masters Golf and the Paris Roubaix cycling, plus there was the Grand National on Saturday. I don't "do" horse racing at all - I don't really get it. Two horses had to be put down this time! Sport of Kings? Perhaps. I only remember it because my step grandfather died after watching it one year. He had watched the boat race in the morning and the Grand National in the afternoon and passed away peacefully in his chair with the TV still playing just after the race. I have no idea if his horse won or not.

I even squeezed in a few hours work - I was up for doing some yesterday - but in reality I must give over the weekend to myself - I work non stop during the week. This week, however, I intend to take a little easier as I want to consolidate the work of the last month rather than generate new stuff.

Things move on - it's getting exciting now and I hope that we will be getting close to finalising the proposition and moving towards the next phase.

It's Friday Night

Apart from a few hellos and how's your day been - no one has deemed to talk to me tonight so I'm in a house where everyone has gone to bed and not said goodnight and they've left the lights on and everything so I've gone around and sorted that out but - WTF?

I struggle sometimes that everyone's disappeared off to remote areas of the house and they've all locked themselves away in their rooms and that's Friday night done with. It's pretty bad anyway with teenagers and students living in the house - you're lucky to get any noise out of them. Oh well, I shall engage pissed off me mode in the morning and see how they like that?

Perhaps I shouldn't be so sensitive - I imagine a lot of people get it in the neck all the time and here's me saying no one talks to me - maybe I should be pleased about it. However, it's a lonely furrow working day in day out on the business plans and I've no major outlets during the day except my business partner's and my daily conference call.

Ho hum!

Another Cancer Buddy Succumbs

I spoke to him in January / February - he had Colon Cancer but was having all sorts of trouble with platelets and had some transfusions etc. They then diagnosed Leukaemia and unfortunately he died yesterday in a Hospice.

That's pretty tragic as he hadn't long been retired and moved away about 2 years ago. It is very sad and he was a nice guy - I enjoyed his company on many occasions - he was certainly a funny guy and we had a good chat about our experiences with cancer and how tired it made you etc.

Oh dear. I find that my week draws to a close and I have a few minutes left to work and so I decided to just go and grab a beer from the fridge (well as I work at home I can do that!). It has been a hard but very satisfying week and a lot has happened and the business has leapt forward and made real progress which is great. So a beer is a nice reward for a week hard at it.

Of missing emails and merged accounts

So that's what my ISP did!! Merged my account with Mrs. Fs account!!! So they merged our data so that our birthdays and logon details changed!!! You cannot believe it sometimes. Once we'd sorted that the emails for days came flooding in and then locked out for a few hours and are now back working!

Anyway - thanks to my ISP for losing me another 4 or 5 hours of my life! Gits.

Great news on my friend - the lump was benign and he is having antibiotics to sort that out. It all floods back when you think you have a recurrence. I can't even tell you what it is like. If you've never had cancer the initial diagnosis is utterly devastating but you don't know what you are letting yourself in for. Once you've been through all of the treatment and recovery you come out the other side and if you are like me - you forget or conveniently put in to the back of your mind all those experiences.

Now, don't get me wrong, its part of the journey, sometime the treatment feels worse than having the cancer. However, when you get a recurrence the whole lot flashes back into your field of vision again. It makes me feel ill just thinking about it as I did when i got my friend's email earlier.

That's why you should always go for your check ups as they can find stuff and do something straight away with it.

Which reminds me - my check up is due this month sometime!

Phew what a day

It didn't seem that busy but goodness how far we've come in a short time with the business. We finalised the main financial plan today which allows all the plans to be derived from a master set of data.

My plans need some more work as mine feed in to a later overall picture. We have to really step up the pressure once again as it is a funny old month what with Easter being late and the Royal Wedding and days off here there and everywhere in the coming weeks!

At least I have a plan to get on with for the next couple of weeks but my mind is spinning after doing figure work all day.

Well

My friend didn't turn up tonight but I heard he had an operation to remove a growth in his sinus and so is awaiting the outcome of the tests on that. He went through some pretty shitty treatment last time resulting in having his face opened up and the cancer removed. He's a lovely lad and just about to become a father. You know where I'm going with this I'm sure. Why is it that those who do good, work hard, about to bring up a family and all the responsibility that entails have these problems. It's just unfair.

Unfair - that's the word. If there were any justice in the world it wouldn't be him. If you were to sit in judgement and look around the evil things people do you'd sort of want them to suffer and be chosen but somehow it just doesn't seem to happen to them. Sometimes this life is cruel and nonsensical, illogical and just downright upsetting. I'm probably too close to it and not being balanced about it but it does seem to be an unfair distribution and you see tragic cases and it just doesn't make sense.

I said some time ago that I was struggling with why I was "spared" and in some way, I've had a real change in my life these past 5 years. I've spent 2 years working for a charity and now I'm doing something that - if it is successful - may well open up opportunity to all through equal access to the internet. That would be something worthwhile to come out of it. Chosen? Not sure, empathetic to those who lose out - you bet. I'm enjoying the journey a lot although it is getting near to crunch time and we will see if we are barking mad or actually have a good idea.

So What Do You Make of This Song?

I've been listening to Clare Maguire for a few weeks now - she has a superb voice very reminiscent of Alison Moyet and sometimes Kate Bush like too.

She sings a version of Antony and the Johnsons "Hope There's Someone" which is a particularly poignant song as it was playing as I went to have my first operation and the words resonate with me now. I've just listened to "This is Not the End" - here are the lyrics:

"This Is Not The End"

If it be your will to speak
Of memories we often shared
Talk to me of days gone by
Think of love and not despair

And when I’m gone
We’ll meet again
As often do the closest friends
So dry your eyes
And lay me down
I tell you this is not the end

And if someone else
Must take my place
For I’ll be gone the longest time
I’ll wait and I will understand
A heart of thorns must
Leave the mind

But when in time I see your face
The scars will fade
The heart will mend
So dry your eyes
And lay me down
I tell you this is not the end

And from today I wish you joy
From this day I wish you peace
I hope that life will pass you by
As softly as the falling leaves

And when your heart is full again
Raise a glass for me my friend
And dry your eyes
And lay me down
I tell you this is not the end
Oh dry your eyes
And lay me down
I tell you this is not the end

It's fantastic - great lyrics but it always makes me feel very melancholic and sad.

Great Party

Not sure about waking up at 1:30 in the morning asleep in my chair though :-) So A is 21 today and it is Mother's Day too. We had a great party on Saturday and the food went down well and we had enough booze - I'm always worried in case we run out. We don't drink as much as most people although I do like a beer - I don''t actually tend to drink much at home and so we have limited supplies.

Anyway - apparently there is another party next week and that means we are having a marquee erected in the back garden. As friends aren't so bad, Ls friends are younger, a little more brash and a little less 'nice' - but we aren't having her party here so I'm not too worried and the place where we are going has bouncers so they'd better behave themselves - or else :-)

Hopefully we get the new PC tomorrow and I can retire the old PC/Server. I'm just cleaning it up and it can go to a good home for the Samaritans who can refurb and reuse it for their work. With a new PC I am hoping that it wont need the constant attention needed to keep it going especially as it really is too old to handle new programmes and software.

Made it

To As 21st Birthday - well if I last until Sunday that is! Tomorrow is preparation day and Saturday we are having a party with friends and family. I am really looking forward to that and I hope she has a great day. Twenty-one years - it hardly seems possible that it has been that long but it has.

I am now pleased that I'm here to see it - at one time that felt like it may not happen and I was cut up about "not being there" for the kids. They are no longer kids and I guess that they'd be able to function quite well without me given their ages of 21 and 18.

In a way, I feel very happy and I'm looking forward to a party and having people around. I miss the old days. Somehow, we don't have people around anymore and we don't go many places. Either I'm not up for it or Mrs. F. isn't. I have made it a policy to try and do more this year and I'm not working too much tomorrow as I want to do the cooking for Saturday and preparation work. I want As party to go off with a bang.

I'm quite pleased about one thing though. Since getting the new router installed I've actually been able to get the computers all networked - or it seems to have. Of course now I've got a new PC arriving on Monday to replace the big household server but that should be fine - I hope that it will improve things all round. I've been backing up that machine - as I am now back in my real office next door to it. Hopefully that will be easy enough to sort out on Monday when it arrives. Of course - these things always take a lot longer than they should with all the messing about.

Somehow I have to move all my old emails from that machine to another one. Not easy but I guess I'll manage it. I have just realised that I haven't really looked at many of these since Christmas time so I had better catch up with them and get them moved ASAP.

Feeling OK and in a happy place at the moment but getting worried about my friend as I haven't heard anything yet.

Time to ramp down

And take my equipment out of my temporary office downstairs in the dining room and transport it back to me real office upstairs. It is As 21st Birthday party on Saturday and we are going to spend the day (Friday) cleaning the house and getting ready. It looks as if I will be doing some cooking tomorrow which will be nice.

I've moved most things excepting the PC up now and it looks a bit bare down here :-)

The business stuff is getting gutty and hard as we try and find examples of what businesses have allowed for various parts of their infrastructure and staffing, insurance, utility bills etc. So far it has been pretty difficult to find enough evidence to put in our business plans but gradually we are finding things. Sometimes, even with the internet, you just cannot find stuff.

I'm hoping that we should soon be able to nail down the business plans - I've just done two pieces of work that have frightened the daylights out of me and the financial investments look incredible but they returns look to be worthwhile. Now to complete the maths and go find an investor or two :-)

Feeling a little tired but will be having a celebratory weekend with A for her 21st Birthday and lots of people coming over so that will be nice. Looking forward to it.

Late and time for bed

I found today one of those head buzzing days when I appeared not to have done a lot but on reflection found I'd covered lots of ground. It started out with half a morning lost to setting up a new internet connection which is now happily effected and working rather nicely and seems to be working at some speed too. Which is good. All PCs are migrated over and a new PC is on its way to relieve Mrs. F. of using the old Evesham that now requires winding up like an old fashioned gramophone to get it working and then only in slow motion replay mode!

I will spend some time clearing that down and installing the new one early next week and I hope that it will prove to be a good move and that not only will she be able to use a fast computer but also it will network with this PC and I can print from anywhere in the house once again and share files across the back up systems.

It is a bit annoying to say the least that it no longer works seamlessly - hopefully next week.

It sounds as if a friend may have had a relapse - I'm waiting to hear officially what has happened. It terrifies me to think he may have cancer again. He's a lot younger and it just isn't fair is it? Then again, looking around the world today, not a lot is fair. I've just realised that my blog is backed up to the old PC so I'd better back it up to here too just in case I lose it in the transfer. I'd hate to lose this lot.

The trouble with customer service is that

It isn't service is it? Yesterday - or was it Monday - I was told that I needed a new router as we had an old fashioned set top box and that the latest would save us money - so a new router, faster speed and less money - a no brainer!

At 9 am this morning - no internet service - huh? So I go check it all out and yep - no internet service at all, tried everything, did all the testing etc. As luck would have it before I got really angry a man turned up with a box and inside was a new router, cables and everything I needed. I had already pulled out the TV exposing the cabling point etc. I got to work and within 5 minutes all was connected, splitter installed, modem/router connected all lights flashing etc. Good. The instructions said ring up this number and get connected. After listening to the welcome message and going through a series of steps it then said have your account number ready? So I had to stop the call and go find that. Then when I get through they will only speak with the account holder. Finally we get past that then they want a password. So I say - can you see my phone number? Yes well is it from the account? So we eventually do some more stuff and I say that why would I want to power up the modem/router they sent me as if I was someone else. So we go through all of that and finally, it kicks into life and I'm happy, at last, as it works pretty much out of the box and appears to be faster.

I just hope that it is more reliable than the last router. It should be faster and with a bit of luck, next week, when I get the new computer, it will also be networked around the house once more!

Fun - it isn't :-)

Reflections

Tonight I chatted with the chap I had quite an altercation with last year and it's interesting that now his wife has died that he comes along on Monday nights and joins in with us. Bless him he is a bit dotty and a little bit slow on the pick up of the "in jokes" but I never have been an in your face comedian operating as I do on the borders of the pythonesque and have a barbed, surreal and pretty nasty sense of humour.

What's nice is that we have buried the hatchet and there is no animosity about the wee altercation we had. He was at his most engaging this evening and that pleased me as I don't like to have some sort of ongoing feud with the man.

He hadn't realised that I'd had cancer and so we chatted about that and he spoke at length about his wife and the pent up problems he had and so I suggested that he might like to consider writing a journal to get it out of his system. I explained about this blog and how useful it had been to me. Now I feel a little guilty as perhaps I should have been writing it, as an author would do, for their audience but the truth be told, it is for my own use and my own purposes. It's pretty much as I see things day to day. I certainly hope everyone who reads this are better balanced than I am, in better health and have slightly more sanity than I do :-) No really I do. I've been on one hell of a ride this past 5 years - I've had stuff happen to me that just defies logic and has taken me to the highest and lowest ebbs of my life. I'm glad you may be reading this but I do find it terribly self indulgent and perhaps that's why it works for me but may never work as a true cancer blog. I'm off loading on you not actually giving you anything in return.

I found that the most amazing thing these days is the swing between good and bad days, mediocre days and those when you are flying. I'm in a "good place" at the moment. Spring is here, new life and flowers and buds and blossoms everywhere - it's really nice. In July we - or I - or my business partner and I are going to celebrate our 5 year survival - we aren't sure what we are going to do but it will be something....

When I was 50 I survived that by living 1 year beyond diagnosis. I've had an amazing 4 years since. Time to celebrate.

Business is getting closer and closer. We either will or will not progress further with it by July. I feel as close as we have ever been to delivering the plans and so I/We continue to push forward. It's getting really hard now as we do tha last mile but it certainly feels like the right thing to do still and after the best part of 3 hours conference calling today - I sure hope that it is worth it. It's feeling more corporate too. Planned conference calls between us and Europe, meetings and individual calls, trips to hotels and meeting rooms. Perhaps we can just make this happen - I do hope so.

Well it's time for bed and I need to be up and running first thing tomorrow - lots to do and lots of things to discuss and agree, document and improve on.

Blogging Less

I guess that having little to say means that I'm not rushing to the blog and scribbling down once or more a day these days. I suppose we can take from that the lesson that things return to a normal state after a while and I don't suppose I've thought too much about BC in the past few days or thought to blog at all. It was the return of the F1 Grand Prix and I was out most of Saturday. That was nice except for one moment when I got too hot and wanted to flee from the meeting. I've noticed that a lot it's a bit of the claustrophobia and these sorts of "hot flush" events that I get. Generally I feel warmer than I ever did following the treatment (I think) and I don't tend to feel the cold as much but I do feel hot offices and buildings and it was almost unbearable on Saturday. I had it happen in a couple of meetings this year and so I need to be especially careful about it. It even happened a week or so ago at one of our practice meetings. the trouble is that I feel feint and very uncomfortable. I get a little panicky but generally I am able to control it through breathing etc.

I've been having some wild dreams these past weeks. As we begin to pull together the shape and scale of the business we can now see how big it is and how challenging, this triggers off all sorts of new thoughts and ideas and they manifest in dreams and nightmares. These are amazingly clear and the people and their voices are accurate and very real. Of course the situations and landscapes may not be. However, if I remember them, I can tell that they are to do with aspects of the business, areas of concern and they deal with success and failure as well as working on complex ideas and aspects of the business.

At the moment, I'm a bit worried about my health - it was the Census at the weekend and it was amusing that my wife put me down as being in 'Fair' health not 'Good'. I wasn't too sure if I agreed with that but I suppose, given the last 5 years of problems - that would be about as accurate as we can manage. I wonder if I will be around for the next Census in 2021? I need to get back into eating properly and doing some exercise again as I've easily put back on 1/2 stone and need to lose that. I'm blaming the winter. I hope that as it is now getting brighter and warmer that I will start to come out of this quite depressing winter period and get motivated again. I can also start to migrate away from all the heavy winter foods towards some salads again now it is warm enough to have them.

Later this week it will be A's 21st birthday - I can't believe it has been that long - it seems to have flashed by. We will be having a family party this weekend and then A is off to Paris with her boyfriend - that will be nice - I love Paris and at this time of year it is truly magnificent. After Vancouver and Brussels - I wouldn't mind working there again, I enjoyed my times there and whilst sometimes the people can be a bit off (like they can in London) it isn't bad and the centre is full of wonderful historic buildings. She should enjoy that.

Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz

That's my head that is :-) Wow - so many figures and spreadsheets - my eyes are blurry after a day hard at the figures and getting the business plans sorted out.

Hard work but enjoyable as finally we start to see the figures materialising and the whole thing taking some sort of form and gradually taking shape.

It's been a long time and we aren't there yet. It's a bit pareto like and the last 20% is going to take 80% of the effort - but hopefully not the duration. We are getting so close you can taste the cream cakes and coffee :-)

But that's enough for today - my eyes really are glazing over with the concentration of it all. So off to sit and watch the TV I think.

Hard Work

Never hurt anyone. Yesterday was one of those good days when the business turned a massive corner as we populated the business plan and things started to make sense (at last) and things like staff levels became clearer and we started to get a handle on costs and revenues.

Which made the series of dreams last night completely explainable as these were all in the future, building the business, attending meetings, things falling in to place and actually getting somewhere.

Feeling good and just about to get flying into the next sections of my work. It's all starting to come together and not before time :-)