That WAS fun

S is a very funny lady, very pretty a real head turner and very funny indeed.  She was on good form and cracks jokes and really enjoys herself whooping and yelling at her band :-)  P is a little more reserved but even so the girls enjoy a bit of a party.

It was funny because S was dressed to kill and as we parked up and walked up to the pub to see the band we ran in to a friend of mine.  His expression was absolutely priceless when he saw the two of us.  He knows my situation and then later on I came out of the pub with S & P together and ran into him again.  I expect that the floor of his car has a large dent where his jaw impacted it :-) 

The whole evening was great and I just love the way people were trying to work out how I could possibly be with two lovely ladies for the evening :-) 

On Sunday the sun shone brightly and I took myself down to the village to have a few beers.  the blossom is out, the birds were singing and it was just a lovely day out.  The pub wasn't busy and the beer was very nice.  They are preparing for the Beer Festival over the Easter weekend - Nice :-) 

This is the lane away from the Station towards the Village

 A Look back up the lane from where I'd come - the Blossom has gone over on these bushes

 Heading towards the Cemetery 

  The Cemetery

 The Cemetery

 The Cemetery

 The Pub Fireplace Circa 1560 which puts this around the time of the Tudors - if these walls could talk?

 The Tiny Bar Area - Mind your head "Duck or Grouse!"

Daisy the Pub Dog - A Zen Master - She Owns the Pub - or thinks she does 

Exciting Evening Ahead

Well I hope it is an exciting evening.  I am picking up S from around the corner, she is the lady who manages bands and one of them, that we saw a few weeks ago, is performing at a pub in Sevenoaks (a nearby town).  Also P will be there and I really like them, they are really nice people.  So I suggested that I will drive tonight as S drove last time.

The band were very good and I imagine it will be quite an evening.  I may take my chances and not wear a jacket - I don't like to take a jacket and then leave it on a chair unattended especially the nice suede one my dad bought for me.  I imagine it will also be quite warm in the pub - it's another 16th century pub with beams and low ceilings so could be quite interesting in terms of acoustics etc.

I hope that the girls might also come up with some more activities over the Easter period.  The Beer Festival is on down in the Village and that sounds positively great with some rather nice local fire water type Ciders and Beers available.   

Let's see how it goes.

Website ordered at last and nostalgia

I finally got around to ordering the website and it was funny that a number of people are surprised that I didn't do it myself having built plenty of websites myself.  Well I need the time.  An expert will take two or three weeks to get it to work and so I'd expect to take double that time and I want the thing in and working so that I can really commence business.  At the moment I need to concentrate on the sales and marketing of the business.

I am now doing some of the more difficult things with capturing video, cleaning it up and burning to DVD.  It seems to be working OK as I am capturing video, scanning and burning DVDs simultaneously. It seems to be working OK.  I am also onto the difficult negatives that have been folded up for years and have a nasty bow in them.  It is taking some time to get them processed but I am trying a few different settings to see if I can get them done quicker.

I still find myself choking up a bit looking at the family videos.  I suppose it was way back in happier days when the children were young.  The one on at the moment was where I set up my own business and was able to take the children to Lapland for Christmas - it was truly magical and when I see how they reacted it was great.  Thinking back I remember Mrs. F. wasn't impressed but then again, as I often say, it isn't about you all the time, for me it was about the kids having a magical time.  It's a bit like whatever you think about Disneyland and I am no fan of it, the wonder and excitement seeing it through a child's eyes is magical indeed.

It is amazing to come across photographs (from my parent's collection) that I've never seen before.  Hopefully we will all get some enjoyment out of these once I've finished.  I've actually completed all the ordinary negatives today and I'm now onto the rolls and rolls of film in another bag having to carefully unwrap and cut it to fit into the scanner.

Healthwise - I feel good, I seem to be losing weight gradually, certainly an inch or two off my waist but of course a beer or two soon starts to put it back on again :-) My blood pressure is a little high but at least I know that and can monitor it.  It was fine a few weeks ago and now seems to be above normal.  Other than that all seems to be well still and I'm still happy and enjoying myself and whilst it has taken me a little longer to get into my business than I'd have liked it does at least give me the opportunity to really understand my business and my competition.  

It seems a long and short time we've been in the house.  It's 10 weeks already!  Now that Spring is here and slightly lighter evenings it really is quite a pleasant place to be - I love the village itself and it feels "just right" as Goldilocks would say :-) Finally I'm happy but I wish these sad feelings would move on - it's just the videos of the children when they were younger and seeing how it used to be - happy, with all our friends and family around us.  I don't think that anyone had a bad time - we all look happy and contended.  I think it is a regret in my head that it isn't like that now. 

That Was A Little Unexpected

Or was it?  I am practising capturing videos and have started on the archive which starts in 1990 when daughter A was born.  I hadn't expected to be quite as emotional as I suddenly feel.  I feel quite choked up about it.  We were happy back then and in many ways up to quite recently.  

That's the one thing that I hadn't banked on when transferring the tapes across.  How very strange it is - I guess it is regret and just upset that it isn't like it was then anymore.  Of course you can't turn the clock back and hey, I'd be some sort of magician if I could tell where it all started to go wrong, but I know it was a long time before I was ill that I started to realise it wasn't great.  

There are some great shots of my mum and dad and my brother and his family too.  Yes, we were happy and life was a little simpler then.  I was about to change my job in a year or so and that changed my life in other ways.  

I hate seeing and hearing myself on camera I've decided.... :-) I also hope that I'll get past this strange feeling of sadness - for what I am looking at isn't sad at all, it's happy days.  The mind is a strange thing sometimes.  I realise that all I am looking back on has happened, it's part of my history and it's there to remind me of happier not sadder days.  

The trick is to live in the moment.  You can't regret the past - it has happened and nothing you can do will change it.  The "Now" is the only reality.  Amazing, I've pulled myself out of the sadness where I started writing.  This happens a lot, I just need to work out what my mind is trying to do and then I can tackle it.  

Website Woes

I suppose I ought to consider myself lucky that I have a number of options to choose from and yet, somewhere along the way, it makes things so much harder to decide what to do.  I hate complexity for complexity's sake.  So the Indian solution jangles my nerves a bit but, of course, these days, websites are interactive things and most code has been written and is out there plying its trade day-by-day in the real world.  In fact you can just make it modular and bolt it together and away you go.

The website needs to be simple and convey information quickly to the customer.  I reckon that's the key and also not to make it difficult to buy although I'm not allowing a customer to press the button and buy without my providing them with an estimate before hand.  

Anyway - it is a good problem to have I think as it will force me down a route that I need to follow for a good few years as I don't want to change it for a long time. It will make me decide whether to have a simple straightforward site or to have one that adds complexity for me but simplicity for my customers.

Out tonight with my old school chums - this time I don't have to drive so can have a few beers :-) excellent - looking forward to that.

Why Is Nothing Easy

Back early from my normal Monday night soiree as there just aren't enough people to make it worthwhile and for some weeks now we have just given up and gone home.  It's a damn shame but whereas 30 years ago there were regularly 20 people on a Monday now we are down to 4 or 5 - it is alarming but we know it's been coming down the tracks - we aren't in a great position to do much about it either at the moment.  

The website is proving difficult for me as I was speaking to some developers in India earlier today and then appear to be able to deliver me a full bells and whistles website which I can use to upload customer's photos to.  That's impressive and I have unlimited hosting so it would work very nicely.  They can do quite a bit for me so I am impressed but I know these guys and they can dither and hang around a bit too. 

I'm pulled because I can probably get three times as much web site for half as much money and yet I trust my graphic designer to do a good job too.  

I have another quote coming at some time - I hope tomorrow so I will see what that will bring.  No one said it would be easy I guess.

I am looking forward to getting started but the web site is now the bottleneck to get things moving.  I think though I can at least work on the introductions and I have some more videos to transfer so I will probably get cracking on those whilst I am waiting as well as the thousands of negatives I was scanning last week. 

Wow - Zonking Coffee

A few posts back Steve gave me a recipe for coffee as I was rattling on about blood pressure and coffee.  Here is the recipe.  Well I can't get quite the same but here is my own take on it.  I use a teaspoon of Coconut Oil (brilliant stuff for cooking and all sorts of reasons see here) I then take some butter I'd estimate this as 2 teaspoons full - I just cut off a 5mm slither and throw it in with the coconut oil.  I then use something like a Colombian or Kenyan Voluptuoso stirring all the time to dissolve the butter and coconut oil.  I then top this off with double cream and stir.  It's stunning and completely decadent :-) 

I have no idea whether it is doing me any good at the moment but wow what a nice start to the morning it made - it wasn't at all oily but then I'm using good unsalted butter and pure coconut oil and it just seems to make the whole thing like a really creamy / milky rich coffee - MMmmmm.

I've lost a good inch off my waist if not a bit more in the last week or so which I am dead chuffed about.  I've really gone into the LCHF diet or should I say lifestyle and just concentrated on thumping into plenty of protein and very very few carbohydrates apart from Saturday where I was out but I didn't touch potatoes but did have a few beers - as long as I don't do that everyday I should maintain weight loss.  Of course I don't have any scales so can't tell how I'm doing it will all be guess work! 

Getting Out Of The House

I had not figured on it but this weekend I am on my own again and so it was interesting that last night I decided I'd take myself off to the pub for a beer.  The locals were a bit rowdy so I had a few beers in one and then a beer in another pub before heading off home through the graveyard - torch in hand - spooky :-)  It is the quickest way home and quite a nice walk really.

I sat and watched the Grand Prix qualifying and watched some background stuff before taking myself off home.  I found out what was wrong with my PC - I should have guessed that I'd filled up the storage doing all this work and that was causing it to behave badly.  i've cleared down  a lot of space now and it is a lot better.  More house keeping to do though to make it run better.

I went out today - just went shopping - I seized a break in the rain to go and recycle all our glass and do some shopping.  It was quite busy which surprised me.  But hey ho....  It was nice to get out and do a little shopping for vegetables and eggs which I've done without for most of this week.  It has had the desired effect as I am losing weight and the trousers and belt I bought last week are an inch too big already.  Mind you I just need to watch out for the beer consumption which will throw weight back onto your middle in a blink.

It was nice to get out and I don't get all het up like I used to when waiting to be served or that people in the queue take a long time to pack.  It's all part of the way it is.  I can't change it so I might as well enjoy it and talk to whoever is on the tills.  A couple of nice smiles and pleasantries is all it takes.  Whilst it is a pain to go shopping it needs to be done so I just enjoy it.  It sure is nice to see my fridge full up with vegetables :-) 

I'm happy but do find living here on my own sometimes a bit quiet and a bit lonely but that isn't going to last for long (I hope) and I can entertain myself and do pretty much what I want so it is just a matter of getting used to it, making up the rules as you go along and enjoying it.

The Weekend Arrives

I'm in two minds about weekends - I ought to get out more but somehow I am trying to avoid the gravitation towards the pub.   I feel I've lost 3 or 4 pounds in a week and most of that is by a serious protein fest, no carbs or very few and I can feel that my trousers, snug last Friday are actually loose now.  I will try on my suit tomorrow as we are off to a Masonic meeting and the last time I went about three weeks ago it was "snug" to say the least.  I have a feeling that I've lost enough to make it comfortable. We will see.

I have turned off both work PCs leaving just this one on.  It is playing up as I've added a second screen to it and also Chrome is misbehaving itself again.  Damn technology!

Well I'd better go get to bed and get ready for tomorrow - looking forward to being an honoured guest once more and getting a nice lunch and a beer or three as I've been a reasonably good boy all week.

OUCH - How Much? Good Grief!

My web site is double what I was expecting to pay for it and I can hardly believe the costs but I've been assured that the reason is that I need to make it work across all platforms and tablets and smartphones are prevalent these days.

Sheeesh.  It is a bit more than I bargained for but I suppose I'll have to go with it.  I have a few days to think about it and then I need to bite the bullet and do it.  I have two others quoting but I know the guy who will do my site and he did all my logos etc.  I've known him a long time and trust him so there's a bit of that in my decision process too.

I suppose it just means I need to bring in more customers to cover the costs.  Anyway, the main thing is that it needs to be done and sooner rather than later. So it's a "bite the bullet" situation once again and hopefully that will be the end of the big spend.  I reckon that I should have taken my own advice and doubled my initial estimates for the investment required.

No More Jazz Nights :-(

Pretty sad state of affairs.  I've been going since 1988 to the Jazz Nights on the 1st Wednesday in the month.  That's 26 years.  It just wasn't getting the support anymore and I'm not surprised as there aren't many of the old timers left that used to frequent the place.

All good things come to an end of course and this is just one of those things and it fits in nicely as the person I usually go with doesn't know I've moved or that I've left Mrs. F. and so it is sort of useful.

It was nice to see my daughter A today for lunch it was OK a little uncomfortable but OK.  It must be difficult for her as it is for me getting used to the new order of things but she went with her mum to Lisbon so they appeared to have had a good time.  I am so pleased about that.  I really really want Mrs. F. to be a friend in the future. It's not as if we've rowed or thrown stuff at each other we just drifted apart and I'd hate for her to be sad - there's no reason to wish her ill  at all.

I've just sent off the web site stuff to my designer, hopefully he will come back with a half decent price for getting my web site off the ground.  Almost there - just need to now concentrate on getting some customers.

FInally A Coffee

A late afternoon coffee and it is day three so all is fine but for some reason my blood pressure is way up on last week's normal readings?  Not sure but I'm going to keep my eye on that it shouldn't be that high at all.  If it is stupid for a long time I will have to get myself checked out.  The coffee doesn't appear to have done much difference really, nominal.

I've spent the day sorting the words for my web site and all my service offerings out.  Almost there now I think just a few more tweaks, tidy the documents up and then send out to my man and a few other suppliers.

I hope it won't cost me too much - hopefully as the heavy work is done and I've written all the copy it should be a straightforward case of a design and then to inject the words and photos.  

That's the plan anyway.

My diet is beginning to kick in and I can taste the "Atkin's breath" as I've gone almost fully onto a protein only diet at the moment to kick start the process of losing some more weight. I feel that I've lost a few pounds in the last week as my belt that I bought last Friday isn't holding my trousers up :-) so I've gone from XXL to XL in a few days which is interesting.  Mind you I need to get back to losing weight regularly and as it is coming on to summer I will be able to eat lots more salads too.  

I'm very content with my lot at the moment.  My daughter A is coming over tomorrow so she can see the house and we can then go for a spot of lunch for her birthday.  I need to lose a spot of weight but I have new clothes, new outlook, a new business and I'm really looking forward to getting started now.

Two Days No Coffee

Interestingly a very small ache behind my eyes but otherwise no real cravings for caffeine as such.  I'm drinking a lot of water and having tea like Earl Grey and other herbal type infusions.  Why I hear you ask?  Well I want to see if there is any effect on my blood pressure.  It was find last week but on Saturday it was off the scale and the only thing I could put that down to was I'd drunk a lot of coffee - I'd only had one beer on Friday night and a glass of red wine but other than that - I hadn't really had much.

I've also decided that enough is enough and have dropped all carbs from my diet and also reduced my vegetables whilst lifting my fat and protein.  I can already taste/smell the Atkins breath so know that I'm in fat burning mode.  I want to get back to losing some weight and back towards where I was in November last year.  I feel I've lost a couple of pounds already.  My blood pressure is still higher than I'd like and I'm not sure why that should be but I will work on dropping my weight, experimenting with the coffee and also trying to remain away from booze altogether or having as little as possible.

I'm really into the company business at the moment and have spent all day on the documents for the website and for the service descriptions.  It's been a long hard grind as there are some silly little areas I need to tackle and I just haven't had time to do them justice until today.  I just needed a flat out day to do them.

The terms and conditions proved difficult as did the frequently asked questions but I think I've nailed them now.  The difficult part is how much to put on the web site.  I am trying to make it minimalist.  Customers don't actually need to be sold the service - why are they on your site if they haven't already thought about your product or service?  They need a few hooks to bring them in but other than that - it shouldn't be rocket science to work out what I'm doing.  Some of my competitors, to my relief, are so complex and need the customer to do all the work that it must put people off.  Mind you, having said that, they all seem to have work so perhaps it is despite of having a rubbish web site. :-)

I'm going to see how things go this week.  Having lost my trading address is a pain in the arse but I think I may have got a way around it - I just need to think it through and make sure that I'm covered.

I now need to finish off these and get them organised together with the specification and get them sent off to my web developer.  Hopefully he can get it produced for a reasonable amount of money and I can set too making a go of it.  It will be good when I get the paperwork done as I can then clear the decks and do the selling and the social media stuff too.

Sunday Clocks Forward Formula One And Here We Go

I need to start the business this week and start to make a move.  I've not been dithering but I am cautious as I want the business to be the best it can prior to starting it but I have to start somewhere and this week is probably as good as any to finish off the web site and get inviting people to start to use my services.  I need to work on a few more documents to finalise everything but I am close now as I have written most of them.  It is always difficult though to press the switch from "test" to "production".

I feel that I should have another lazy Sunday and have already sat down and watched the Formula 1 Grand Prix from Malaysia this morning.  There is Touring Car Racing on this afternoon and it is actually happening a few miles away from me at Brands Hatch - I could have gone I suppose but I had other ideas of what my weekend may have been like.  As it happens that didn't turn out like I expected but no worries there is time and there are other opportunities.  I don't know why I am in such an unholy rush to get into forming relationships and the like.  

So I think that this afternoon I shall sit down and watch the Touring Cars on TV and pour over some of my documents and prepare a short plan of attack for this coming week.  No recurrence of the spotting in my urine so that's good.  I have my urine tester strips so if I'm worried about it I can do the test and see if there is anything to worry about.  My Blood Pressure is a little high which surprises me so this week I am going to go full out on a no carbohydrate approach to my food and also drop caffeine to see if that will help.  I like my coffee so perhaps I shall just have it as a treat once a day rather than living off it like I do at the moment.

Oh A Little Blood Clot

I have to tell you that the one thing you just don't want to see ever is any more blood in your urine but I was told that there is a possibility from the scope a few weeks ago and sure enough there was a tiny little clot when I went a few minutes ago.  You tend to keep a very close eye on your urine stream and a small spot flew out and hit the porcelain.  When I checked it with a little toilet tissue it was indeed a very small clot of blood. 

Having had a flexible cystoscopy a few weeks ago it is a possible side effect but even so I'll be keeping my eye on things closely and if it persists I'll be straight back but as I said it is a known side effect.  Of course it puts you on edge as the whole episode comes flooding back and it reminds you of all that happened to you in the past.  Grim indeed.  Oh well - monitoring the situation for a few weeks is in order.

Well That Was A Good Night

I had a good time and ingratiated myself with young P and had a dance and a laugh and joke but as I managed to say to her, I've only yelled at you over the music so it would be nice to meet somewhere quiet and have a normal conversation :-)  

The only problem I did have was trying to get to talk to her alone it was a nightmare as she was closely accompanied by a few people one of whom was interestingly in a similar industry to myself and I couldn't shake him off :-) Oh well - there's time and opportunity ahead I hope and there will be some other concerts and bands playing I have no doubt.

Anyway, she's very nice and a little eccentric so right up my street in terms of those I hang out with.  S was also on great form - she is the promoter of these events and that reminds me I need to discuss this with someone I know as it may be an opportunity to bring some bands to a venue that I know.

But I had a lovely night the bands were great,  I drank water most of the night and so that was good was also pleasantly surprised as I asked for a Soda water (carbonated water) in a pub (I was early and driving) and there was no charge!  Not many things you can get for nothing these days.  

I wore my red and blue shirt which is great but surprisingly snug especially around the arms.  It appears that must be the way they make them these days for the other shirts are also quite grippy. Perhaps after the first wash it will loosen a little - it wasn't uncomfortable but I suppose I'm used to wearing baggy stuff most of the time.

I had a great day yesterday and today the sun is shining and all is OK with the world.  My new equipment mount has arrived form my scanner which I got at a bit of a bargain price and I'm just reading how to use it - it is for really difficult film especially if it is curled like a lot of the film I have is.  It allows me to scan even the most difficult stuff. 

Clothes Maketh The Man

I met the lovely L in Bromley and she took me shopping and taught me where best to go.  I actually came back £147.50 lighter.  For that I got:

Three shirts, A shirt combo Tee Shirt, A Jacket, 5 Polo Shirts, A Brown Belt and Pair of Black Jeans... I'm rather pleased as these all move away from my usual style of clothing which is pretty plain and I really like the whole lot - I could have spent a lot more but these will do for now and I now have problems selecting what to wear.  I'm sure it will all fall into place as I will be wearing my blue soled brogues so it will all have to match in nicely :-)  

Shopping Tomorrow

This will be exciting my friend L is taking me out to get me some decent clothes :-) what fun!  Having disposed of my old, out of date, faded, hole ridden and unworn stuff earlier this week it is now time to replace those with a few decent outfits.  It will be good as I am going out tomorrow night to a gig and fancy making a bit of a statement whilst I'm about it :-)

So I'm off on the train to learn all about clothes shopping - I must remember to get her some flowers or some chocolates as a thank you.  I have already said I'm buying lunch.  So that will be good too.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow it should be a good day and I can have some clothes to go with my mood.  I saw some nice things early today when we popped into the local town and had a look at one of the Tailor shops closing down.  I managed to source a Bow Tie as my other one had disintegrated :-(

I should be working on the web site tomorrow but so what it will wait a little while longer and Flocky, bless him, is proof reading some of the words which is a great help.  ALmost there - almost there.  I have all the equipment and know what I'm doing now and soon I can just start selling it and making noise.  

However, there is one fly in the Ointment and that is that the guy who was giving me his address to use has had a stroke and is now thinking of getting rid of his business.  It's a bit of a nightmare for me logistically I have to go and start again with a trading address - it's a pain but not a lot I can do about it really.  I will have to see if someone else can give me a delivery address in the interim.  

DIet & Cancer

Steve over at Got Bladder Cancer? HERE asks an important question I feel:

"How many of you All Clear folks have made diet, exercise, and/or supplement changes to stave off the bladder cancer? Since there is no study being conducted, you readers are my only data source beyond myself."

Well it's interesting because I'm pretty much convinced now that the diet I am following is doing good things for me.  It's a part Paleo part Low Carbohydrate High Fat regime.  My only downfall has been since the move I have been out a lot and been drinkin beer which has swollen my waistline by an inch or so.  That's coming off and it has already started this week.

Why do I think this?  Well I am fit and healthy I haven't had a cold in years now and my teeth no longer need fixing by the Dentist since I've been on this diet.  The key things are that I feel great, I feel like I don't have to eat, I'm satiated.  I feel more alive than I've done for years and years and I'm in reasonable but not great shape.  I can easily now do push ups and go on my X-Trainer for 30 minutes.  My Blood Pressure has been dropping and the other day was a nice 120 over 80 which is fab.  I now need to work on keeping it that low all the time.  Slowly slowly I'll get there.

I no longer touch man made carbohydrates, sugar, rice, pasta, bread, marjorine etc.  I tend to cook my food fresh and not rely on any shop bought ready meals or preprepared food stuffs.

I had a few false starts about what I should and shouldn't be eating.  So far on this diet but it is actually a lifestyle, I've lost 3 and a half stone.  I feel I can lose another 1 or 2 stone this year too.  I feel and look healthier than I've done for years, I'm more active too.

Difficult to say whether it is keeping Cancer at bay but I'd probably say that it is doing good things as the diet is all about protein which the body needs to repair itself.  Dropping the carbs means I'm not putting on weight and certainly not spiking my Insulin which is another good thing.

Steve asks about exercise - well I used to do quite a bit.  With the move the exercise machines have come with me and I can almost reach them past the boxes now so I will go and get back into the habit soon.  I can't say I enjoyed that part of feeling fit but I find that it does help me and of course you can burn off those excess fatty bits that much quicker.

All in all, I changed my lifestyle almost straight away and whilst I made a few wild and dangerous detours earlier on I find this is the best diet I've ever followed and I find it easy to stick to, I don't feel hungry and I feel great most of the time.  

Even More Productiver

I managed to rip into doing some slide scanning and then timed myself and seemed to do pretty well - a little slower than I would have liked but even so I would have made a bit of money today :-) 

I was also writing up the web site and making that happen.  It's nearly there now, coming together nicely.  It takes a lot to be brave and leave most of the words I wrote a month or two ago out altogether but I want the site to just provide the bare bones I doubt anyone is that interested in reading War & Peace just to get their photographs scanned.

Off in an hour or so for a meal - our twice a year Officers' Mess.  I'm driving so need to stay on the Soda water tonight.  That will be OK though as I want to get cracking on the web site tomorrow and hopefully have that ready by the end of the week.  I feel the need to launch the business about now (which is what I had in mind).  

Funny old day it was meant to be a bit showery but I missed seeing the showers coming and now it is bucketing it down and all my washing is out on the line :-) Oh well - it doesn't matter at all it can come in when it does get dry.  :-) 

I like the new me, I just laugh and smile about things like that where before I'd have been in a bit of a rage about it.. I am so pleased that I don't get all flustered and hung up anymore - well very rarely - if I do - I know what is going on and can stop myself pretty quickly I find.  Life's good - I'm enjoying things now.

Productive Day Mainly - At Last

It takes time to get settled in and we still have boxes all over the place that need to get put away.  I'm just waiting for Flocky to do some more adjustments to the attic and I can get rid of all the odds and ends.  My bedroom is finally neat and tidy - or quite tidy now as I've cleared out all my old clothes and stuff.

I've been working away today on my negative scanning skills and amusing friends and family sticking the results on Facebook!  I've gone way over the 1,000 scans now and there's still loads more to do.  I also won an auction on eBay for a specialist wet and dry film scanner that will allow me to trap bent and curled photos between glass to get a better scan.  I also bought a few more templates to allow me to do other film types which I also intend to work out how to implement and price!  Loads of work done today and a little more to come in the next few days as I finally tackle the web site and the price lists etc.  It's coming together OK but a little less organised than I'm used to.

The New Me

Is a strange beast.  I have just bought a pair of shoes that are way over the top for me - twice!  I know what can I say...  I have a pair of booted Oxford Brogue shoes in brown and a pair of Suede light brown shoes with bright blue soles!  What am I like?  

It's the new me - expressive, artistic - like I used to be - ME - that's the whole point.  Out go my old clothes tomorrow and with it part of my old life.  L is going to meet up with me for a shopping spree and I'll get myself some nice Tee Shirts, Shirts and Trousers and have a new wardrobe.  It's all about expressing who I am and what I am about.  It's the release and the hidden me.  I've not expressed myself for years and years.  I've not been the real me and whilst I do realise that I am doing things a little excessively at the moment - it's all about extremes - I know that I am heading in a direction that will ultimately lead to a new and more fulfilling life.

Hell I'm enjoying myself at the moment, it feels sinful because I was never really allowed to let go and enjoy things ever.

The one thing I don't do that I probably ought to is arrange events.  It is always my friends who call up me and they arrange.  Maybe I ought to sort something out in the near future?

I am so looking forward to going out on Friday and meeting P and S again.   It's just brilliant to go out and just have a good time.  Surely what it is all about?  Answers on a Postcard...

Confidence

If you knew me when I was at work you'd know that I was fully self assured and self confident - top of my game I always felt and whilst I may have come across as arrogant the thing was that's the way my personality type (INTJ) naturally is.  That is when I was at work.  I'm a very different person and very rarely will I say the first word or start a conversation.  I might smile at people and acknowledge them but it isn't usual.  

I tend to rely on the other party to start things off.  Of course the proviso is "unless I know you" or I know someone you know then it is quite legitimate to go chat to someone as I did on Saturday night and I'm really quite pleased I did because enough people have told me that I'm pretty engaging sort of chap and I have a good listening skills as well these days - I no longer need to be the one doing the talking.  It worked great on Saturday night and I'm feeling good because one of the biggest worries was to make some friends locally and to build a new circle of friends.  So far that seems to be going quite well and I am feeling great because it isn't as difficult as I thought it was going to be and people are friendly and you only have to ask.

I was having a lovely but rather loud shouting chat with this young lady P on Saturday and hopefully I'm seeing her on Friday as well so that will be nice - perhaps we can have a chat at a slightly lower level even though it will be at another gig.  

But again, I'm getting out, building a new life, it's exciting and enjoyable.  Surely that's the thing - get out there and enjoy my life a bit more.

I'll Take That Any Day

I do find that a relaxing Sunday is a nice thing to do.  Today I couldn't get the lawn sorted or the debris cleaned away from the storms of 6 weeks ago.  The ground is still soggy and so it will just have to wait until things are better.

I've had a lazy old day today and getting myself ready for the onslaught this week - I must get on and do some serious work on the web site and also the price lists.  It is all in my head and now needs to be committed to paper so it can be developed.  

I sure hope that I can start to secure some work but really want the web site up and running as well.  I also have a final set of tweaks on the discount structure to put together.  In some ways I'm not too keen on discounting too much as I have a pretty keen price now but know I have to do something.  It's proving a little more difficult to work it out so it is consistent.

Anyway - a quiet day and one where I just relaxed and enjoyed myself.  I'm really looking forward to Friday night and going out and meeting P again and having a chat with her without - I hope - too much noise.  

Things Happen To Me

Friday night my mate calls and we go to Town - in this case Town is Sevenoaks - it's rather nice and we bump into an old friend of ours S.  She is a promoter of bands and works at the local theatre too.  It's interesting what happens now.  I asked her whether she knew if anything was going on in the village on Saturday night as I was at a loose end.  Indeed she does and whilst she ran me home - she lives around the corner from me - she suggests that she calls me and we go over and see one of her bands playing.

I was just getting ready when the doorbell went and off we went to the pub and her band were just setting up.  We were right at the front so my ears are buzzing somewhat this morning.  But blow me, I met this girl last week at the other gig and lo and behold, it turns out she is S's best friend!  Doh.  So we had an interesting evening chatting about this and that and we are meeting up this Friday for another gig.  It appears she likes live music too so let's see what happens.

It must be me, or the new me these days but life is really great and I am enjoying the whole thing and last night at this gig was no exception.  I had a lovely time with S & P and a few beers and a good laugh and a chat in between songs.

I like it here.  Things happen to me and it all happens for a reason.....

Seize The Day

Well that wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be.  It was rather Cathartic as it happens to go through and throw out my past....  Some ties in my collection are 25 years old and one is 30 years old.  It's time they went - they are unlikely to get worn again.  I've kept my formal ties and bits.  I have some more of my formal wear still at the old house which I need to go and get.  I have bow ties and the like there and my patent shoes.

So I've been utterly ruthless with things - I've thrown out my trousers, shirts, sweatshirts and tee shirts.  Anything that looked old, anything that hasn't been worn in 6 months isn't likely too so that was binned as well.

So here's the pile I chucked out - it's about a 2/3rds of my wardrobe I guess

My Clothes tidy is looking very tidy and also rather bare - enough clothes for 10 to 14 days at the most now where I could have lived for 6 weeks before I reckon.

The suitcases now on top of the wardrobe and all my formal wear to the right and my nice shirts to the left.  A box of odds and sods and that's it about done.

All bagged up ready to go to the local Clothes recycling bank.... 

Yes I do need to buy some clothes but do yo know what?  I don't need that many as I can wander around in jeans and tee shirts most of the time and I really need some nice casual clothes to go out with.  Hopefully my friend is going to take me out to do some shopping - she's got a good eye and so hopefully I can get myself a small wardrobe of new things.  I certainly realise that I don't need a lot.  All my old office stuff has all gone which was the bulk of it and I certainly won't be needing that again in a hurry.  

First Day Of Spring

So that's Spring Cleaning and for me, chucking out all my old clothes that I am never, realistically, going to wear.  I've been told by a friend to be ruthless.  I have a couple of suitcases full of clothes that I haven't used since I've been here.  I have lots of formal wear stuff that I am unlikely to use.  

There's a storage rail downstairs that I might be able to use to put my Evening Suits and the like and I've a chest of drawers available to me as well for some storage.  Interesting.  So let the games commence.  I will then probably just wander over to the clothes bank and drop these in - some may be useful to someone.  Any good stuff can go to the charity shop.  I have lots of work shirts and ties even that I am unlikely ever to need again.  They too can hit the rubbish.

It is going to be painful but it has to be done for a couple of reasons.  One is to reduce the clutter, two is to throw away the past. Three is to throw away stuff I just no longer wear or would want to wear and four is so that I can make room to buy some new clothes to mark my independence.  I've already bought some great shoes and jeans and later today my new casual shoes will arrive, I have new trainers too.  It's all coming together.

What next?

I  got my first clear nibbles of work today when I substituted for my friend at his Business Breakfast Meeting.  It's not bad a room of 40 and two good nibbles isn't bad - I tend to consider that 2% is a good return and this was more like 5%.  So far so good the arguments are compelling and I got my 60 seconds out in 55 seconds :-)

One is a box full of photographs that have been inherited.  Another was for some video tape transfers.  

Let's see how that goes - I should have passed my business cards around for the room - next time I will do so.

As these things go it went as well as it could - I don't like these pre-scripted, regimented affairs - they work very well for the participants but in reality they don't float my boat at all - I tend to know most of what they "teach" each other.  Most of it is after all just common business sense.

I've twisted my back probably doing the scanning in cramped conditions!  I need to make sure that I properly swivel my chair not my body when I do this work.  It's been fun today after I got back, I had the car washed, did some shopping forgetting that we had some coming today by delivery van!  Doh!  I've ordered bulk meat supplies to arrive next week from the guy that does my Christmas meats.  Looking forward to that as there are some Wagyu and Ostrich along with the basics.

I need to get my backside into gear though tomorrow - I think I will slightly change my schedule and I'll go clean my room then do some Lodge work rather than the business.  I can then get rid of those chores and be clear to do the business stuff.  It's time to launch it and stop messing about.  I just need to make sure that the plans I've got are updated and I can then start to build some interest.

Cancer And It's Impact On My Life

I thought about this the other day and realised that I knew that if I survived that I'd end up here, where I am now.  By that I mean split up from my wife and looking at life a little differently.  

There was an article I think I put it up here in January about divorce and what lay beneath the problems and how this journalist suddenly realised that she was undermining her husband and it struck me that in many ways this happened with me.

Low key could best be described my Cancer diagnosis, operations and treatments.  Don't get me wrong my wife helped me through all of this and took me there and back and lived with my dark depression and my black sense of humour.  But it isn't her well not her of later years.  I was commenting with a friend of mine who felt that I was henpecked.  Far from the truth but I got more entrenched with each loss of my position in the house.

Things gradually migrated from me to her.  Mowing the lawn and just about every chore even my job of cooking Sunday Lunch gradually got taken away from me.  I just retreated into a silent world of computers and reading or listening to music.  As I grew further away so I gave up more and more until I finally came to the decision I needed to come to.  

Although I felt no one took Cancer seriously I was in for a surprise last year when everyone was upset as they thought it had come back.  I saw that it impacted on my children far more than anyone let on.  Maybe they feel I've just kicked them in teeth but for my own sanity leaving was probably the only real option.  I like the idea of getting myself back to the person I was before Cancer and to the fun loving, carefree person I was.  I like the fact that I'm building my business and I'm enjoying my freedom most of the time.  Thirty Two years is a long time to live with someone so the wrench is taking a bit of getting used to.   It's over 7 weeks now and I really am getting into the swing of it now.  

Tomorrow will be interesting as I will be "selling" the business at a Business Breakfast meeting and really I should be in bed by now.  I've actually been chatting online to a friend and I'm quite excited by the chat we've had.  She has just finished reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle that I lent her.  It is refreshing to hear her recent changes in life and attitude.  We often meet up four of us but that's not going to be possible now as she takes on a new career challenge.  Somehow I'm trying to put together a meeting that she can meet up with us again - difficult.

Life has taken on a new meaning to me but I'm still not out of the looking over my shoulder or wondering whether I should be doing this or that :-) It is strange not having Mrs. F. around but I'm getting used to it.... :-) As You Do....

A Different Sort Of Day

I got a bit of a shock as I found that my daughter A had been to Lisbon and whilst I knew that someone was going what I hadn't expected to hear was that Mrs. F. and A went.   Now I suppose that I shouldn't be surprised about that but it did give me a partial wobble for no especial reason.  In many ways I'm pleased as I know she met up with a friend a while ago and now she has gone for a long weekend to Lisbon - a place we had promised we would go to! 

I'm pleased for her and of course it does mean that perhaps she is coming to terms with things and at least getting out and about - perhaps it means that we can start having some serious conversations about the future now?  

It's been 7 weeks yesterday and I'm enjoying it still with the odd tinge of regret of course.  I find that just every now and then I think about my big house and home life but I just replay the reasons why I'm not there and I feel OK again.  I certainly haven't enjoyed some of the "old age" flashbacks or flash forwards I suppose and this is to do with my dad and his last days more than anything else.   There's a bit of me that is wondering where it's all headed - which is funny because half the fun is not knowing where it is headed :-)

I've been able to leave my old house and village and not miss them.  That's a strange thing I thought I'd be homesick but I'm not, I like it here.  I do have roots around here but would I be prepared to go out further or somewhere altogether different?  I'll have to wait and see.

I'm up at the crack of Sparrows tomorrow to attend a business meeting that starts at 6:30 !! Luckily I'm much nearer to the location than the last time I went in November.  I've actually done an Elevator Pitch for the meeting itself so it will be interesting to see how it goes down.  

Thats Better - More Concentration And Less Thinking

It's been a good day so far.  I've really cracked on with some work although I find I can't do three things at once :-) I need to concentrate on my business plans but I'm also doing some of the learning work too and actually the two aren't compatible at all :-)  So tomorrow I will have a paperwork day and today can be my practical day.

I learnt some interesting things about scanning today.  I could have spent almost $90 on a gadget for my scanner but paid only £8 for some magnets which, assembled properly actually do the same job :-) Yay!  The power of the Internet is generally someone has done it before and are willing to share how they did it with you.  

I have some very strange shaped negatives which are giving me some grief to scan but once again I'm sure the Internet will come to my aid :-)

I found myself looking at scans of my two girls and Mrs. F. and myself from years back and I had to fight back a few tears when I saw my eldest A in her Angel costume for the Nativity Play.  I DO miss the girls now and haven't seen them for a while although to be fair I have actually seen them but they haven't come here or met me yet.  They haven't seen the house either.  Oh well, I hope that they'll come around - it feels like they don't want to see me but that's me being paranoid I reckon.

I am feeling like I am almost there now and can launch pretty soon.  I have enough scans under my belt but not enough video conversions (using my computers) as of yet.  A few more weeks and I reckon I will be able to launch things properly.  Fingers crossed.

Not So Bad A Day

I cracked on with the little job I was doing which is now complete.  So far, so good.  It's  interesting as I priced the work up and it took just under a week in duration (not effort) and would have paid a fair rate too.  So I'm pleased about that.  I need to hone my skills but of course, that's what it is all about and tomorrow I can get tucked into some more hard graft and try and improve the throughput workload.  I still need to be able to quote for the work and win it of course.  

I'm going out on Thursday to represent the chap that has given me use of his postal address for my business.  I need to do some work for that as well.  However, I don't think that will be a problem either.  

I now need to see if I can get a good run at the documentation I need to produce.  It isn't easy doing the house and work at the same time.  Tomorrow I will give it a good go though and see if I can discipline myself to work right through rather than have so many interruptions.

Just Get On With It - It Seems Selfish Somehow

I've never thought myself selfish and I would always help others above myself and somehow I've got to start to look out for myself.  I had this problem early on when I had cancer.  I spent most of the time helping other people come to terms with my illness and never really looked inwards and towards my own well being and I recall this internal fight I had at the time.  Given where I am now and my situation I suppose I ought to realise that I can't make things better for other people.  I can help them understand it but I can't do anything about it.

I was pretty cut up on Friday about my friend - but I can't do anything.  I was pretty cut up about Mrs. F. but I can't do anything about it.  

Difficult as it is I need to look after No.1 and that's it for the moment.  I can't live anyone's life for them no matter how I feel for and about them.  

I am also having some pretty awful flashbacks at the moment and some flash forwards.  I know what this is - it's about the uncertainty of where I am at the moment, getting old, being on my own and it is also about where do I see myself in a few years.  

I've walked out on my wife and also on a number of friendships that sort of leave me regretting that they didn't blossom to where I dreamt they might.  My dreams lie in tatters but that's really not the point either, I realise that dreams and plans that I used to have (that felt real) aren't to be trusted they end up disappointing me and so this living in the present (which is not easy to do) continues to require hard work to stay on track and focussed.

Today I start to change that once again as I'm almost there in terms of business planning.  I need to concentrate a little more and get things finished I also need to stop this worrying about other people.  I cannot do anything about it.  I need to pull away and disengage myself from it too.  I'm doing all the driving and I think that realistically I need them to do any driving or any actions.  It isn't for me to do.

This is all about making the break and moving on.  It is pretty difficult not to hanker back to the easy life I had.  To yearn for the friendships I had and strive for things that cannot possibly happen no matter how unpalatable that feels to me now.  I need to move on and that's it.

Shout Out For Steve

For Steve K who has his Flexible Cystoscopy tomorrow 17th March.  So far this year everyone has had positive news and so now here's hoping that continues.  

Prayers, thoughts, crossed fingers all welcome.  

No Matter How Much It Hurts

I just can't get involved and help someone out who is very special to me.  Much as I can't go throw my arms around Mrs. F. and give her a comforting hug and I'd like to do that.  I still have fond memories of my marriage to her and growing up together.  I found that all the fun had gone out of the marriage and that somehow was one of the major reasons to go - I felt sad so much of the time and I wasn't the sad one the whole place was freezer like :-)  But I see her and I feel wretched that she is so sad and my natural reaction is to go put my arms around her but I can't.

Another very very good friend of mine is having some pretty awful problems and I can't do anything about it, nothing at all because it isn't appropriate.  I've been in a strange place these past couple of days as I finally, finally realise that I just cannot be part of my friend's life, well not unless something miraculous happens I suppose.  I can't hold on to that hope either it isn't in the present, it's in the past and that's the bottom line.  I just find it hard to "get it" because of the strange way my mind works.  So I've dropped a line out this morning and will now work on disengaging myself from the day-to-day and getting suckered in - wanting to be helpful but it isn't my place to do so no matter how friendly.

The thing is though what am I feeling? "Do you think that is air you are breathing now Neo?" I have no idea what is really going on - it's all in my imagination and all the scenarios playing around in my head because I still cannot get rid of the INTJ in my head.  It is just impossible not to play them out and theorise. But, the crazy thing is that I know this and I have this little head battle going on still - my logical head knows this is a lost cause and shouldn't be given thought space.  My heart head still has deep feelings and they need to go away, it's over and that's that.  My logical brain is saying move on, it's in the past, it was fantastic, it was beautiful, it was lovely but you can't go back there no matter how painful it was (and still is) you can't go and repair it or replay it.  It wasn't anyone's fault it was the just the way it was. 

Working Routine

It's difficult to remember that I am now running a business again as I am quite relaxed about how things are.  By that I mean that I find the worries I would have had are no longer there.  I know I have to work at this but it will come naturally and will grow - I can't expect it to be like my former business where I started with an amazing contract and didn't look back for about 8 years - until that is - I got ill. 

Now, it's a different thing as I practice to make sure I am going to provide a professional job for my customers.  I have a set of videos and cassettes I am doing for a friend and that seems to be going well so far.  The direct transfer is certainly working nicely which I am so pleased about.  The videos are of pretty good quality and I can see that this is an easier way to build the business in some ways as it is almost unattended (albeit I have to be there to start and stop the process).  

I can envisage just allowing this to grow organically and that's going to be fine by me.  I like the idea that my friend suggested last night to give it around 6 months to settle in and to then average out the income as it will be very up and down as I have to generate my own sales and do the work :-)

Anyway - I am looking forward to the challenge immensely and the work is quite rewarding in it's own way.  

Testing Testing Testing

And yet more testing and making sure I can get things right.  I am doing a series of VHS-C and 8mm Videos to DVD and also some Cassettes of voice overs this chap does.  It is quite interesting as I have done a fair amount of these before.  Doing so many at once I am bundling them together to allow me to work on them all together.

I'm really enjoying this now although there are the odd hiccups with the technology and the terminology to overcome.  Hopefully I'll be able to do that :-) It also gives me a good idea about my charge out rates which I have already started to amend a little.   

At least I know what can and cannot be achieved with the kit I have now and after chatting to my Accountant on Friday I am ready to take on the world?  Well maybe this part of the country to start with :-)

The main thing is to get into some sort of routine again here.  Today has flown by and I've got lots of things done alas only the last two hours have been business based :-)  Oh well, I will have to try harder to get office hour discipline into my work.  I'm sure it will come especially when the orders start to arrive.

For now though practice makes perfect as they say and I am building up my library of documents and check lists and what works and what doesn't.  Life is beginning to get fun again. 

Beautiful Day - Blue Skies, Not A Cloud In Sight

There's a Blackbird out here singing his little heart out, the sun is blazing out of a blue sky and it is pleasantly warm AT LAST :-) 

What a nice day, I've opened the windows and let the air in and the house looks great in the sunshine.  It's Sunday and I am not doing any work at all today.  I am going down to the pub later to see the International Rugby match and grab a few beers at the same time.

I feel great today.  There was a Lodge meeting and we had the Provincial Grand Master attend (he's like the head of our order) and the meeting went brilliantly.  I am clear again which is, whether you admit it or not, a brilliant thing.  I think that no matter how positive you may be it is still a huge huge relief to get the all clear.  

Life is great at the moment and the business is the next thing to get going.  I spoke to the Accountant on Friday and I'm now in a good place to start trading.  I have a few more things to get straight - hopefully one video capture card and I can really get moving.

But today, it's about enjoying the weather and the Rugby and getting on with the locals again :-)  

ALL CLEAR ALL CLEAR

All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear. 

Well guess what my news is?  Can't well it is All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear!!! :-) 

Delighted but not leaping about with the news.  So pleased it WAS my consultant although she was handling different equipment (excuse the double entendre) - the cystoscope was on a camera and had a slight delay so she did apologise - we both noticed the difference :-) 

The Private Hospital sure does stuff differently including having some sort of cloth pants to put on - bizarre indeed.  Anyway was in and out in good time, easy to park and easy to get there and back again.  They did so much paperwork and we had wristbands and everything as if it was an operation - my Consultant was bemused by the process too :-) 

Anyway, I'm delighted that things are OK.  I'll live with the stinging and stuff and will go and lie down later today.  Maybe I'll just switch on the telly :-) 

The Night Before

Everything is in place, alarm call changed, comfy shoes sourced, I have my bag, my water is in the fridge, my tablets and stress balls are ready, the MP3 player is charged and loaded with music.  I need to choose a light tee shirt and hopefully I will be ready to go.  

A number or well wishers have wished me luck and all I need do now is turn up and I'm going to go early so that I can get there in plenty of time to park up and relax.  I can get myself in to the place about 15 minutes early to see where I have to go.  Lets hope it is a nice seamless process and as it is a small private hospital I hope that I'll be in parked, seen and out ASAP.

It's an easy enough thing to do - a urine sample, trousers and pants off and a gown placed either way around your body.  Keep your shoes and socks and tee shirt on.  On the table and the cystoscope takes a matter of minutes that's all.  

The worry is, as always, that they might find something in there but I just hope that it will be nothing at all as it has been for all this time now.  The last two of three have been false positives and I hope that my Consultant will be doing it as she is more experienced and also, to be honest, she really doesn't hurt me that much which I can't say that the last two Registrars did.

Of course, it will be what it will be.  I have been a little cranky this week - I found myself feeling claustrophobic for a short while last night and of all things in the shower this morning!  How strange but I know what this is and can do things about it and that to me is the key.  I know what this is and I can tackle it and stop it.

Heard from my mum that one of my girls had given her a call which is nice.  I don't want them to lose touch with their grandmother and vice versa.  So at least that is something.  I'm a bit worried that one of them hasn't really been in touch but let it settle down and let's see where it goes from there.