Or was it? I am practising capturing videos and have started on the archive which starts in 1990 when daughter A was born. I hadn't expected to be quite as emotional as I suddenly feel. I feel quite choked up about it. We were happy back then and in many ways up to quite recently.
That's the one thing that I hadn't banked on when transferring the tapes across. How very strange it is - I guess it is regret and just upset that it isn't like it was then anymore. Of course you can't turn the clock back and hey, I'd be some sort of magician if I could tell where it all started to go wrong, but I know it was a long time before I was ill that I started to realise it wasn't great.
There are some great shots of my mum and dad and my brother and his family too. Yes, we were happy and life was a little simpler then. I was about to change my job in a year or so and that changed my life in other ways.
I hate seeing and hearing myself on camera I've decided.... :-) I also hope that I'll get past this strange feeling of sadness - for what I am looking at isn't sad at all, it's happy days. The mind is a strange thing sometimes. I realise that all I am looking back on has happened, it's part of my history and it's there to remind me of happier not sadder days.
The trick is to live in the moment. You can't regret the past - it has happened and nothing you can do will change it. The "Now" is the only reality. Amazing, I've pulled myself out of the sadness where I started writing. This happens a lot, I just need to work out what my mind is trying to do and then I can tackle it.
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