Considering I have to go and give blood tomorrow. My blood pressure is slightly higher and yet my pulse rate is down. I'm not allowed to eat until afterwards and only drink water.
I shall see what it is like tomorrow as I am going to go to the other Hospital near me. I didn't fancy returning to the scene of the crime and so the other one is smaller and about the same walking distance so I'll try that.
Whilst I'm not looking forward to it, I'm not dreading the visit. My hypnotherapy man seems to have done a neat trick turning this sort of stuff into positives. Neither am I going to go accompanied, I think I have to learn to do these things on my own.
I don't fancy having to do this regularly though, nor do I really like the idea of being on any kind of drugs at all. Especially as these ones will be for - potentially - the rest of my life unless all the cumulative effects of my life style changes bring everything back to a reasonable level.
I should thank my lucky stars that my blood pressure problems were found as a result of the cancer I suppose - otherwise I could have been in serious trouble with my Blood Pressure being that high.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
An Honest Day's Work
What on earth is that? Honest day - sound like an Employer's phrase to me...
I did some work today that I hadn't done for years and it was (sort of) enjoyable in a strange round about way. I don't suppose that digging around PCs and cabling and grubbing around under desks is everyone's cup of tea but I enjoyed it.
The report writing at the end of it is a bit of a blow but you have to do that too. It takes me back a few years I can tell you.
I did some work today that I hadn't done for years and it was (sort of) enjoyable in a strange round about way. I don't suppose that digging around PCs and cabling and grubbing around under desks is everyone's cup of tea but I enjoyed it.
The report writing at the end of it is a bit of a blow but you have to do that too. It takes me back a few years I can tell you.
So is everything different this morning?
No of course not, it feels just like any other day. I am going off to work this morning - not exactly paid work but something to get me back into the swing of things. It should be interesting.
The jobs market appears to be quite active and there were a few jobs coming through yesterday. I've tentatively applied for those. Whilst I've still got to work out exactly what I'm going to say to people about the next lot of treatment, at least I can start to work out how to approach that and explain it.
The jobs market appears to be quite active and there were a few jobs coming through yesterday. I've tentatively applied for those. Whilst I've still got to work out exactly what I'm going to say to people about the next lot of treatment, at least I can start to work out how to approach that and explain it.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
End of Days
Well that is it. I worked for the company I always wanted to and wasn't disappointed except for the end result which was hardly necessary and totally avoidable.
Will I get to work for them again? Does the lure of part time or the lure of what could have been affect my decision? I don't know. Tonight I'm just thankful that I had the time I did there as they were such a fabulous bunch of guys and girls. They deserved so much more than they got.
I'm going to stay in touch and hope that they lever their way out of the problems they are in. I can reflect on my time with them and also my problems which kind of mirror the issues they have had. I'm climbing out of the depressive stage and hoping to make my way on to something new, challenging and achievable. They have to do the same with or without me.
Will I get to work for them again? Does the lure of part time or the lure of what could have been affect my decision? I don't know. Tonight I'm just thankful that I had the time I did there as they were such a fabulous bunch of guys and girls. They deserved so much more than they got.
I'm going to stay in touch and hope that they lever their way out of the problems they are in. I can reflect on my time with them and also my problems which kind of mirror the issues they have had. I'm climbing out of the depressive stage and hoping to make my way on to something new, challenging and achievable. They have to do the same with or without me.
De-Mob happy
I am certainly de-mob happy at the moment. I really didn't want to leave my last job but needs must and all that and that is my lot, I'm finished and history or "toast" as they say.
I really haven't thought through the next steps in any great detail - I'll just let serendipity dictate the next few weeks.
I really haven't thought through the next steps in any great detail - I'll just let serendipity dictate the next few weeks.
Ring out the old - ring in the new
As if on cue a call at 5:30 with someone looking for a specialist to work in the City starting almost immediately.
Can't be bad, I'd probably been out of work for 30 or 40 seconds by then.
Can't be bad, I'd probably been out of work for 30 or 40 seconds by then.
Out to lunch
A nice few beers with a friend of mine and we can go and compare medical notes and have a moan about the NHS.
How do you look at it
Remember Tommy Cooper? A UK based comedian and you could look at it "Like that" or "Like That" and so on.
I'm sounding more upbeat everyday and whilst that may appear to be what you "should do" it isn't always as it depends on what you read into what you are told. Sometimes I look at what I have written and think it very negative or it conveys a negative view and yet it probably isn't my intention to do that.
I think that today I've settled down to the fact that I've come through the really difficult stuff and this is a new phase. I'm not over impressed with having to go for blood tests on Thursday but I'll do that as it takes me along the next step. Being downgraded and going onto a BCG regime would for some seem to be a horrible thing to look forward to. If you consider that the last lot has most probably got rid of the CIS that was there and that the small area that needed work was also probably low grade then it makes sense to use the BCG to obliterate any signs of the cancer that may be left. It is heavy, it is drastic stuff and I can't remember the exact words the GP used but it is like "Wow - that really is heavy stuff to use how did you get on?"
So I'm probably going to get a sledgehammering to start with but isn't that a good thing? I think because it is so violent that not everyone can live with it. Anyway, I think that it may well be worthwhile especially if it stops the cancer coming back.
I hope that I don't put anyone off having BCG - you should read my earlier posts about the experience and the way to manage it. When you've had the treatment and then you get the results you'll find it is worth it and it is immunotherapy not chemotherapy so it only works locally and right where the cancer is.
I'm sounding more upbeat everyday and whilst that may appear to be what you "should do" it isn't always as it depends on what you read into what you are told. Sometimes I look at what I have written and think it very negative or it conveys a negative view and yet it probably isn't my intention to do that.
I think that today I've settled down to the fact that I've come through the really difficult stuff and this is a new phase. I'm not over impressed with having to go for blood tests on Thursday but I'll do that as it takes me along the next step. Being downgraded and going onto a BCG regime would for some seem to be a horrible thing to look forward to. If you consider that the last lot has most probably got rid of the CIS that was there and that the small area that needed work was also probably low grade then it makes sense to use the BCG to obliterate any signs of the cancer that may be left. It is heavy, it is drastic stuff and I can't remember the exact words the GP used but it is like "Wow - that really is heavy stuff to use how did you get on?"
So I'm probably going to get a sledgehammering to start with but isn't that a good thing? I think because it is so violent that not everyone can live with it. Anyway, I think that it may well be worthwhile especially if it stops the cancer coming back.
I hope that I don't put anyone off having BCG - you should read my earlier posts about the experience and the way to manage it. When you've had the treatment and then you get the results you'll find it is worth it and it is immunotherapy not chemotherapy so it only works locally and right where the cancer is.
Last Day Today
An era comes to an end at 5:30 pm when my notice period runs out and I am no longer employed by one of the only companies that I'd ever really wanted to work for. To say that the last 10 months have been challenging would be an understatement. I got the job of my dreams and hadn't been there 5 minutes when the bladder cancer struck. After all the treatment and getting myself built up for some really big challenges, the New Year brought disappointment as projects fell by the wayside and then redundancy.
Tomorrow I can start a new page in my business life. I've so many options and I haven't decided what I really want to do as of the moment. One thing that is important are the results of the operation. They will determine the course of treatment and how long that will last. If BCG then that could be another 6 weeks worth - not nice but it tends to mean two days off for 6 weeks. I might get maintenance which is just the three weeks and again two days off. It is pretty harsh and you can't take it lightly like I have tended to. So realistically I can write off two days a week for 6 weeks which means that I probably wont start a job until mid June at the earliest and I'll be looking to go on Holiday in July!
It seems that I can never get the timing right. I wouldn't want to lumber a new employer with only partial ability to work unless I suppose it was part time. Nothing is ever easy.
Tomorrow I can start a new page in my business life. I've so many options and I haven't decided what I really want to do as of the moment. One thing that is important are the results of the operation. They will determine the course of treatment and how long that will last. If BCG then that could be another 6 weeks worth - not nice but it tends to mean two days off for 6 weeks. I might get maintenance which is just the three weeks and again two days off. It is pretty harsh and you can't take it lightly like I have tended to. So realistically I can write off two days a week for 6 weeks which means that I probably wont start a job until mid June at the earliest and I'll be looking to go on Holiday in July!
It seems that I can never get the timing right. I wouldn't want to lumber a new employer with only partial ability to work unless I suppose it was part time. Nothing is ever easy.
OK - Off Betas and now for the next phase
Blood test (Oh how I love those). That will be Thursday morning as I am out tonight and need to fast which would hardly be possible as I am on the razzle. I am off the beta blockers for now. They were used to just assist the anxiety. That done I can come off those and again we can see what the readings show.
I might then be able to have a talk with my GP on Friday and see where we go from here. It looks like increasing the Ace Inhibitors to a specific level and then regular monitoring of my BP etc. That I am doing already and so if I continue that, start to get my fitness back etc., let the new diet and health regime kick back in again after being interrupted by the operation then we can get all this lot under control.
I'm sort of converted about having these tablets now. Having monitored my blood pressure for some time, to see the figures tumble to normal and the lower end of normal is proof that I probably needed to go on them. To then find all my family were on them - well there you go.
Like all these things really, I'm getting to that age where heart and soul really do need looking after. I still don't want to be a professional patient mind you but taking all reasonable advice and leading a healthier lifestyle (hard as that is) should in the end help present problems and I hope avoid others in the future.
I might then be able to have a talk with my GP on Friday and see where we go from here. It looks like increasing the Ace Inhibitors to a specific level and then regular monitoring of my BP etc. That I am doing already and so if I continue that, start to get my fitness back etc., let the new diet and health regime kick back in again after being interrupted by the operation then we can get all this lot under control.
I'm sort of converted about having these tablets now. Having monitored my blood pressure for some time, to see the figures tumble to normal and the lower end of normal is proof that I probably needed to go on them. To then find all my family were on them - well there you go.
Like all these things really, I'm getting to that age where heart and soul really do need looking after. I still don't want to be a professional patient mind you but taking all reasonable advice and leading a healthier lifestyle (hard as that is) should in the end help present problems and I hope avoid others in the future.
Off to the GPs
This will be fun - NOT. I have now been to this GPs surgery loads of times in 9 months. Yet for 18 years I had only been there to register and to have a medical for an insurance policy.
I really don't want to be turning into a full or part time patient. Like the Hospital, whenever I go there. The whole place is full of sick people!
I really don't want to be turning into a full or part time patient. Like the Hospital, whenever I go there. The whole place is full of sick people!
Personal Gain
I've been wrestling with this for a while. suddenly, none of this matters to me anymore. I've been "climbing the greasy pole" for a number of years and some time ago, working for a major corporate, I decided to get out of it and go and run my own business. I no longer needed to play the internal politics nor do anything else just to further my career although I did enjoy it, it held no massive hold over me, I enjoyed and got paid well (or I thought so then) what I was good at and, as I was good at my job, it didn't matter if I was a bit "Maverick" or just a little difficult for the bosses to handle. That was, after all, part of my charm and made me different to my peers. See, even in this there was my climb the pole differentiators.
Since then I have run my own business and have had to impress myself rather than my bosses. Last year I took permanent work and that again meant playing that sort of corporate game but, frankly, there wasn't that much heavy stuff going down so it wasn't necessary. Playing politics in a 128,000 people business as opposed to about 50 people business really wasn't going to be that challenging when the CEO employed you.
Recently in my social life, I've noticed that politics have entered that too and I'm not too happy about it but I do find it almost blindingly obvious who is doing what, who is maneuvering who etc. It may be my take on things but you never shake this sort of stuff off/ In social clubs, people do things (always the same people) and they get bad mouthed by the people who don't do anything and if you do something you are sucking up to the chairman and all of this. Then there are the little squabbles and someone leaves as they've had enough.
I have to say that after my recent experiences, it really doesn't matter a fig about all of this. My Mum still says the words that her mum used to say
"You're a long time dead" and it really is true. Surely you can get on and sort these things out? It took a serious illness for me to see that half the things I wasted my time on before were hardly worth worrying about. If I worried about whether or not I was going to get this or that promotion or what was going to happen to me in ten years time? Well it isn't worth it is it - you could be dead tomorrow and that, is the change I need to start bringing about in myself. As I have said before, the issue then happens to be that if you want those around you to think and act like that too and they don't get it. It isn't life or death to them and they haven't had the benefit of the concentration of mind you have had through your life changing illness. Also this take s you back to the fact that only you have these thoughts and this urge to make the remaining time worthwhile! Gee life can be complicated sometimes :-)
Since then I have run my own business and have had to impress myself rather than my bosses. Last year I took permanent work and that again meant playing that sort of corporate game but, frankly, there wasn't that much heavy stuff going down so it wasn't necessary. Playing politics in a 128,000 people business as opposed to about 50 people business really wasn't going to be that challenging when the CEO employed you.
Recently in my social life, I've noticed that politics have entered that too and I'm not too happy about it but I do find it almost blindingly obvious who is doing what, who is maneuvering who etc. It may be my take on things but you never shake this sort of stuff off/ In social clubs, people do things (always the same people) and they get bad mouthed by the people who don't do anything and if you do something you are sucking up to the chairman and all of this. Then there are the little squabbles and someone leaves as they've had enough.
I have to say that after my recent experiences, it really doesn't matter a fig about all of this. My Mum still says the words that her mum used to say
"You're a long time dead" and it really is true. Surely you can get on and sort these things out? It took a serious illness for me to see that half the things I wasted my time on before were hardly worth worrying about. If I worried about whether or not I was going to get this or that promotion or what was going to happen to me in ten years time? Well it isn't worth it is it - you could be dead tomorrow and that, is the change I need to start bringing about in myself. As I have said before, the issue then happens to be that if you want those around you to think and act like that too and they don't get it. It isn't life or death to them and they haven't had the benefit of the concentration of mind you have had through your life changing illness. Also this take s you back to the fact that only you have these thoughts and this urge to make the remaining time worthwhile! Gee life can be complicated sometimes :-)
Monday, April 16, 2007
I know just how you are feeling
Sorry NO you do not know just how I am feeling as I think that only I could ever know that. I've not had much of this but I have heard it said and it is used as a part of every day conversation but it isn't right.
What I say and what I feel are two totally different things. What I tell you and what I really feel are also quite different. If I told you that when my friend arrived tonight and that I was just moments from slinging my arms around him and having a bit of a blub - what do you think I was feeling then? Relief? Grateful thanks that he has always been such a support? Relieved I wasn't going to die? You don't know - how could you - even I was a bit taken aback at the emotions I felt. As it happened we just greeted each other quite normally but I was probably far more "extrovert" than I have been for months.
It just made me realise that people can "Imagine how you are feeling" perhaps they can "Understand how you are feeling" but I very much doubt that they "Know how you are feeling" lets face it you would have to have had the same operations, tests and results, be in the same situation family wise, job wise and be similar in every way to me to really understand that.
Pedant? Certainly, I find some phrases used in everyday conversation irritating to say the least. I do try very hard not to use the phrase of the day, typical phrases in dealing with major illness (well I wouldn't would I) and things like "Personally Speaking" or "My own opinion" or that sort of stuff.
Nuff said for tonight I think.
What I say and what I feel are two totally different things. What I tell you and what I really feel are also quite different. If I told you that when my friend arrived tonight and that I was just moments from slinging my arms around him and having a bit of a blub - what do you think I was feeling then? Relief? Grateful thanks that he has always been such a support? Relieved I wasn't going to die? You don't know - how could you - even I was a bit taken aback at the emotions I felt. As it happened we just greeted each other quite normally but I was probably far more "extrovert" than I have been for months.
It just made me realise that people can "Imagine how you are feeling" perhaps they can "Understand how you are feeling" but I very much doubt that they "Know how you are feeling" lets face it you would have to have had the same operations, tests and results, be in the same situation family wise, job wise and be similar in every way to me to really understand that.
Pedant? Certainly, I find some phrases used in everyday conversation irritating to say the least. I do try very hard not to use the phrase of the day, typical phrases in dealing with major illness (well I wouldn't would I) and things like "Personally Speaking" or "My own opinion" or that sort of stuff.
Nuff said for tonight I think.
Still a little stinger
Mmmm, this isn't so nice. It is quite uncomfortable going to the toilet at the moment (passing urine). I'm guessing that it is just the bruising coming out and the blood earlier on today probably didn't help matters much either.
I've tried to be a little less active and not to do stupid things like lift heavy weights and all that. Unfortunately, I forget occasionally.
I'm now realising that I am slightly anxious about tomorrows meeting with the GP as my BP is a little higher than I expected it to be. I can't imagine that we are talking massive changes straight away as the outcome of last week's procedure hasn't truly been explained in detail.
I think I will also be making the point about being a professional patient as well.
I need to get out there and recover my life - I've spent 9 months or more fighting and I think I deserve a few days off for good behaviour :-)
I've tried to be a little less active and not to do stupid things like lift heavy weights and all that. Unfortunately, I forget occasionally.
I'm now realising that I am slightly anxious about tomorrows meeting with the GP as my BP is a little higher than I expected it to be. I can't imagine that we are talking massive changes straight away as the outcome of last week's procedure hasn't truly been explained in detail.
I think I will also be making the point about being a professional patient as well.
I need to get out there and recover my life - I've spent 9 months or more fighting and I think I deserve a few days off for good behaviour :-)
Little Stinger
I've spent the afternoon lying down in a darkened room and had a few hours snooze. Seems to have stopped the bleeding now. The trouble as you can imagine is that the bladder is a muscle and so it is possible that this was a scab coming off one of the biopsy points or where they hooked out the suspicious bit.
Anyway, I'm keeping an eye on things and making sure that I don't do anything stupid like lift anything heavy and other such pursuits. It really is so easily done.
Little Stinger? Yes, if you have blood in your urine it gives you just a little sting to let you know. Just like cystitis (if you have ever had that?). It is enough to make you take in a short little breath and sort of half double up but it isn't that bad.
I'm out tonight and then off to the Doctor in the morning - I'm going to find out about this blood pressure thing a bit more then. I've been checking my BP these past 4 days or so with my new machine and it appears to be reasonable levels to me. I suppose it will be whether or not to continue the beta blockers or not.
I've not touched my exercise bike for a week and a bit as I had injured my back and then had the hospital and as you can imagine, exercise may just start off the bleeding again. What I think would have been apparent if I had continued would have been more weight loss (I've only lost kilo) and I think I'd have also continued to improve my BP results too through more cardio exercise.
More on that after we meet tomorrow.
Anyway, I'm keeping an eye on things and making sure that I don't do anything stupid like lift anything heavy and other such pursuits. It really is so easily done.
Little Stinger? Yes, if you have blood in your urine it gives you just a little sting to let you know. Just like cystitis (if you have ever had that?). It is enough to make you take in a short little breath and sort of half double up but it isn't that bad.
I'm out tonight and then off to the Doctor in the morning - I'm going to find out about this blood pressure thing a bit more then. I've been checking my BP these past 4 days or so with my new machine and it appears to be reasonable levels to me. I suppose it will be whether or not to continue the beta blockers or not.
I've not touched my exercise bike for a week and a bit as I had injured my back and then had the hospital and as you can imagine, exercise may just start off the bleeding again. What I think would have been apparent if I had continued would have been more weight loss (I've only lost kilo) and I think I'd have also continued to improve my BP results too through more cardio exercise.
More on that after we meet tomorrow.
Retired Hurt
I had forgotten just how knackered this recuperation period makes you.
I can only see a whopping great bruise on my right hand (you have to believe it) and that oblong of missing hair on my leg which as the hair is growing back is itching like hell. And of course there is the rather delicate matter of the um well, delicate matter so to speak which is still a little sore to say the least. You don't see anything else that makes you stop and think. There are no scars, stitches, plaster casts, splints (although that would be interesting) and the like to remind you that you've just been sliced about a bit.
I hope that I haven't gone back to the GPs too early by having an appointment in the morning. But my beta blockers run out tomorrow and if I am to stand any chance in the next Olympics - I need to be taking those!
I am feeling quite light headed and a little weak this afternoon and so I will be packing away the office stuff and going and sitting in the front room. I've got some cerebral work to do and I'll do that and relax.
Let this be a lesson to you - or me more likely!
I can only see a whopping great bruise on my right hand (you have to believe it) and that oblong of missing hair on my leg which as the hair is growing back is itching like hell. And of course there is the rather delicate matter of the um well, delicate matter so to speak which is still a little sore to say the least. You don't see anything else that makes you stop and think. There are no scars, stitches, plaster casts, splints (although that would be interesting) and the like to remind you that you've just been sliced about a bit.
I hope that I haven't gone back to the GPs too early by having an appointment in the morning. But my beta blockers run out tomorrow and if I am to stand any chance in the next Olympics - I need to be taking those!
I am feeling quite light headed and a little weak this afternoon and so I will be packing away the office stuff and going and sitting in the front room. I've got some cerebral work to do and I'll do that and relax.
Let this be a lesson to you - or me more likely!
Bugger - bleeding again
Serves me right for trying to run before I can walk again won't it? Just went to the loo and thought - Mmm that looks like blood and it was.
You get a little warning like this occasionally and it just says to you "SLOW DOWN DUMMY!"
So in that case I shall - slow down that is.
If you have this yourself - just remember that when they said rest up for a week or don't drive for a week - they probably meant it. Me? I've driven the car around yesterday (long distance) and today on two or three short runs. Now I am paying for it. Doh!
You get a little warning like this occasionally and it just says to you "SLOW DOWN DUMMY!"
So in that case I shall - slow down that is.
If you have this yourself - just remember that when they said rest up for a week or don't drive for a week - they probably meant it. Me? I've driven the car around yesterday (long distance) and today on two or three short runs. Now I am paying for it. Doh!
Previous post looked a bit worse than it was
I was trying, unsuccessfully to say that life goes on and that in the overall scheme of things its a small thing no matter how big it is to me.
Maybe it is only me then
That is elated about the current situation. It was as if everyone else was just floating around me this weekend. I felt that some people were really pleased (as was I) and yet nothing changed. It was as if it had never happened.
It only happened to me of course. Maybe it only ever mattered to me?
I asked my wife whether the children knew. She said - "yes they did". Nothing was said, nothing was different, nothing had changed. Just me - I changed this weekend, I moved on and I now realise that no one else will change with me as no one else has the disease, lives with it, fights it and moves on from it other than me.
It only happened to me of course. Maybe it only ever mattered to me?
I asked my wife whether the children knew. She said - "yes they did". Nothing was said, nothing was different, nothing had changed. Just me - I changed this weekend, I moved on and I now realise that no one else will change with me as no one else has the disease, lives with it, fights it and moves on from it other than me.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Cheshire Cat Job
I have been smiling like a Cheshire Cat for sure all day and it was a fantastic day - i had a great time - I'm never sure if everyone else does though. I managed to drive all the way there which was good and was able to do the raffle and to spend time sorting things out.
Home gone 6:30 so much longer day than we are used to. But again, I'm not sure if everyone else wanted to be home so late.
But do I care?
Home gone 6:30 so much longer day than we are used to. But again, I'm not sure if everyone else wanted to be home so late.
But do I care?
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