My my - withdrawal symptoms :-)
Not really - had the most intensive three days you can imagine. Really enthusiastic about this job though. I shall be getting stuck into this when I get past treatment 2.
Right must go and catch up on the 250+ e-mails...
Friday, June 08, 2007
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Taking it easy
It was Lad's night out tonight and we all took it pretty easy on the drinks front. I've to drive a fair way tomorrow and we all decided on the better part of valour - boy are we getting old :-)
It was so funny tonight as we worked out some of the worst jokes we had ever heard. The best ones are of course, politically incorrect and perhaps the stupidest ones too.
I daren't even tell you some of the remarks I got about my treatment. I had to dry the tears on some of the comments. Your friends tell it as it is and there are no pretences. I like that. I reckon only they could get away with such insensitive stuff. I'm glad they treat me like that and I'm glad that we are all enjoying the relief of my condition.
It was so funny tonight as we worked out some of the worst jokes we had ever heard. The best ones are of course, politically incorrect and perhaps the stupidest ones too.
I daren't even tell you some of the remarks I got about my treatment. I had to dry the tears on some of the comments. Your friends tell it as it is and there are no pretences. I like that. I reckon only they could get away with such insensitive stuff. I'm glad they treat me like that and I'm glad that we are all enjoying the relief of my condition.
Defeating the object
I was chatting to someone who told me that now I was on Statins (Cholesterol reducing) that I could have butter and cheese and so on.
I've consciously given those sorts of things up or reduced them to very low and my cholesterol is fine anyway.
It seemed a strange thing to say but I can see why you'd think like that.
I've consciously given those sorts of things up or reduced them to very low and my cholesterol is fine anyway.
It seemed a strange thing to say but I can see why you'd think like that.
A Hard Pill to Swallow
But it could do some serious damage if you threw it at someone
I saw this and burst out laughing - I could have done with one of those last night :-)
Getting Ready for work again
I've got out of the habit of work. It has been 6 months since I last worked "hard" for a living and so tomorrow will be a rude one! I have to be up in North London by 5:30! So that is a 4:30 latest start. Luckily that is all the driving I am doing until Friday when I drive back around the M25 (London Orbital Motorway - or the largest car park in the world).
We will be travelling quite a distance going to Wales in the morning and then onwards up to Cheshire after that and then coming back down again.
It will be interesting to see the interactions between us as there are 4 of us starting - I've met one of them already and he is totally different to me.
It is induction training and that in itself will be interesting as I already have most of the stuff here and I already have a very good idea what needs to be done.
The only trouble at the moment - I can't get all the demo software to load on my PC. Possibly because of some of the more "interesting" software packages I have loaded from the last business.
We will be travelling quite a distance going to Wales in the morning and then onwards up to Cheshire after that and then coming back down again.
It will be interesting to see the interactions between us as there are 4 of us starting - I've met one of them already and he is totally different to me.
It is induction training and that in itself will be interesting as I already have most of the stuff here and I already have a very good idea what needs to be done.
The only trouble at the moment - I can't get all the demo software to load on my PC. Possibly because of some of the more "interesting" software packages I have loaded from the last business.
Slow Morning
There was blood and bits last night after I'd written the last blog. A bit surprising but then reading the notes again, the cumulative effect would make that happen. I was tired more than anything and my joints were aching and I'm still a bit sore too. I had to get up during the night but that was clear as it was again this morning. I haven't been drinking enough this morning I've noticed so I need to go and put that right.
I'll be ready for next week now then. I hadn't expected to get straight back into the routine but that was what it was like between 2 and 5 last time. I can only hope that I don't get worse than this next time as it was hard enough then.
1/6th of the way through the treatment. It is surprising how fast it will go.
I'm in readiness now to go away for a few days and start my new job. It should be interesting and challenging all at once. If this flies it will be better than any adrenaline ride. Mind you we have a few months to go before it does that.
I'll be ready for next week now then. I hadn't expected to get straight back into the routine but that was what it was like between 2 and 5 last time. I can only hope that I don't get worse than this next time as it was hard enough then.
1/6th of the way through the treatment. It is surprising how fast it will go.
I'm in readiness now to go away for a few days and start my new job. It should be interesting and challenging all at once. If this flies it will be better than any adrenaline ride. Mind you we have a few months to go before it does that.
Monday, June 04, 2007
It's surprising what you forget
I hadn't remembered quite how much this hits you. I've just had the blood and gore started and my muscles and some joints ache. I've just come into my office to tidy up before turning in for the night.
The cumulative effect obviously is working as I never had this on the first instillation last time.
It's not as bad as the second time, last time as I've taken the pills and been lying down not doing anything. Even so - it is strange how the brain blocks out quite how bad it was. Even when I go back and read my notes (which are remarkably accurate) I still didn't get the feelings coming through that I feel now.
Believe it or not - I am one of the lucky ones - I don't get the serious side effects. You could have kidded me!
The cumulative effect obviously is working as I never had this on the first instillation last time.
It's not as bad as the second time, last time as I've taken the pills and been lying down not doing anything. Even so - it is strange how the brain blocks out quite how bad it was. Even when I go back and read my notes (which are remarkably accurate) I still didn't get the feelings coming through that I feel now.
Believe it or not - I am one of the lucky ones - I don't get the serious side effects. You could have kidded me!
Sharp intake of breath
It was a bit ouch this time, a bit of a sting on the way in and you always get a sharp intake of breath as the catheter goes past your prostate.
I'm just coming up for the two hours and to take my mind off of wanting to dash to the toilet (which I do this time) - I decided to quickly jot something down on the blog - note to self - do not have soup with lunch next week!
Pressure is building up and the body wants this stuff out as fast as possible. Side effects - only a very slight aching in my joints - very slight. I think I had that first time only last time. I've taken my tablets and I'm getting ready for this next bit of the ride.
It was a bit sad today as the chap before me was on his "last chance" medication and if this didn't work then it would be radical surgery. Me - I'm pretty lucky and this is treatment worked last time lets make sure and repeat it.
Excellent - I've used up the time and can dash off to the toilet now :-) Bye
I'm just coming up for the two hours and to take my mind off of wanting to dash to the toilet (which I do this time) - I decided to quickly jot something down on the blog - note to self - do not have soup with lunch next week!
Pressure is building up and the body wants this stuff out as fast as possible. Side effects - only a very slight aching in my joints - very slight. I think I had that first time only last time. I've taken my tablets and I'm getting ready for this next bit of the ride.
It was a bit sad today as the chap before me was on his "last chance" medication and if this didn't work then it would be radical surgery. Me - I'm pretty lucky and this is treatment worked last time lets make sure and repeat it.
Excellent - I've used up the time and can dash off to the toilet now :-) Bye
Next step
Shower complete, pills by side of bed, notepad by side of bed, medicine notes by appointment card, just the minor things left to complete before I get on my way.
Now to get the old sheets and stuff together and makes sure I have enough cleaning agents around as well and I'm ready. I'm a bit too early so need to push back this little routine by perhaps 30 minutes next time.
Now to get the old sheets and stuff together and makes sure I have enough cleaning agents around as well and I'm ready. I'm a bit too early so need to push back this little routine by perhaps 30 minutes next time.
That's Lunch and the last drink for 3 hours
Water heater is on - ready for a shower, appointment stuff is ready - stress balls (I really should call them something different) are ready and I've just got to get myself chilled out for getting this done.
The next step is to get myself ready, set up all my pills, bed covers and stuff so that I only have to get home, do my turning, and that is me settled in for the day. Water jug, notebook, book to read and bleach ready. Other than that there isn't much that you can do really.
The next step is to get myself ready, set up all my pills, bed covers and stuff so that I only have to get home, do my turning, and that is me settled in for the day. Water jug, notebook, book to read and bleach ready. Other than that there isn't much that you can do really.
Back on the treatment
Only a short time to go now - I'm OK about it today. I didn't like the idea yesterday but today - different attitude and I'm just getting myself ready to get back into the routine.
I need to get myself a note book so I can keep track of timings, fluid intake, symptoms and so on. I've got my last one here. It starts at treatment two as the first treatment was a non event really.
I have the treatment at 2 pm which means I cannot drink after 12. I tend to eat early so allowing me to have a drink by 12 and then have a shower and get changed into some casual clothes. My wife drops me off at the Hospital and then struggles to find a place to park so she normally ends up double parked somewhere. As I have to be treated within a certain time period, I am normally pretty much on time and so I can be in and out in 5 to 10 minutes and then can be driven straight home.
The BCG has to be inside you for 2 hours. The first hour you turn and do 15 minutes on each side to make sure all areas have been covered. After 2 hours you can dispose of it. Lots of Bleach needed and then I go to bed - it is probably the best thing as I drug myself up after the turning and then there isn't a lot to do afterwards. I found getting up and moving around made me feel far worse. In that 2nd hour I also drink up to three pints of water or juice to help with the washing out process.
After I have slept for a while I might go downstairs and eat. Again, plenty of liquid to ensure that you wash out your bladder. After 6 hours they reckon that the BCG is out completely. I continue with the bleach on Monday night up to 11 pm.
SO - it will soon be time to get ready and go through my little rituals. I'll let you know how I get on.
I need to get myself a note book so I can keep track of timings, fluid intake, symptoms and so on. I've got my last one here. It starts at treatment two as the first treatment was a non event really.
I have the treatment at 2 pm which means I cannot drink after 12. I tend to eat early so allowing me to have a drink by 12 and then have a shower and get changed into some casual clothes. My wife drops me off at the Hospital and then struggles to find a place to park so she normally ends up double parked somewhere. As I have to be treated within a certain time period, I am normally pretty much on time and so I can be in and out in 5 to 10 minutes and then can be driven straight home.
The BCG has to be inside you for 2 hours. The first hour you turn and do 15 minutes on each side to make sure all areas have been covered. After 2 hours you can dispose of it. Lots of Bleach needed and then I go to bed - it is probably the best thing as I drug myself up after the turning and then there isn't a lot to do afterwards. I found getting up and moving around made me feel far worse. In that 2nd hour I also drink up to three pints of water or juice to help with the washing out process.
After I have slept for a while I might go downstairs and eat. Again, plenty of liquid to ensure that you wash out your bladder. After 6 hours they reckon that the BCG is out completely. I continue with the bleach on Monday night up to 11 pm.
SO - it will soon be time to get ready and go through my little rituals. I'll let you know how I get on.
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Now I'm not so sure
It is Sunday evening and some of the bravado has gone and I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow.
I've had a good afternoon, sat in the garden, it's been warm and sunny and I've had a few beers. Now, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow - who would be? The planes have been whizzing overhead from the Air Show and all in all it has been a relaxing day but with too much time to sit and think!
The old reality check has kicked in and - all the brave face stuff can be put aside. It was last November and December when I had the last lot and - come to think of it - the days were quite pleasant and mild but the after affects were pretty serious.
I was saying earlier that I can handle this next lot better - and I'm sure I can. I have a better attitude and outlook this time, and I'm sure that is right. Fitter and healthier too. The upshot is that this stuff is pretty harsh and whilst it is better than Chemo it really does beat you up.
Knock the brave bit on the head for a while - this is not going to be a thing that you'd want to do willingly. Sure it cures you but it does feel like you turn up for a beating sometimes - if you get my meaning. Who would want to voluntarily go and get their "equipment" kicked in once a week for 6 weeks?
Anyway, I'm allowed to be a bit tentative as it is me who is going to go through the treatment. As I said earlier - I'm more prepared for it this time - but I'm also more respectful of it too.
No doubt tomorrow will bring some more thoughts and ideas.
I've had a good afternoon, sat in the garden, it's been warm and sunny and I've had a few beers. Now, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow - who would be? The planes have been whizzing overhead from the Air Show and all in all it has been a relaxing day but with too much time to sit and think!
The old reality check has kicked in and - all the brave face stuff can be put aside. It was last November and December when I had the last lot and - come to think of it - the days were quite pleasant and mild but the after affects were pretty serious.
I was saying earlier that I can handle this next lot better - and I'm sure I can. I have a better attitude and outlook this time, and I'm sure that is right. Fitter and healthier too. The upshot is that this stuff is pretty harsh and whilst it is better than Chemo it really does beat you up.
Knock the brave bit on the head for a while - this is not going to be a thing that you'd want to do willingly. Sure it cures you but it does feel like you turn up for a beating sometimes - if you get my meaning. Who would want to voluntarily go and get their "equipment" kicked in once a week for 6 weeks?
Anyway, I'm allowed to be a bit tentative as it is me who is going to go through the treatment. As I said earlier - I'm more prepared for it this time - but I'm also more respectful of it too.
No doubt tomorrow will bring some more thoughts and ideas.
Knowing what to expect
I actually find that OK now. After I had the hypnotherapy I have a different attitude to this. I know that it isn't going to be pleasant but at the same time, look how different it is to the last time. This is going to help me get rid of this and there is no letting up on what is to be done.
The last time I had CIS - which is Grade III - serious stuff indeed. It is a very aggressive form of cancer! So given that - and the BCG wiped that out, then this lot of treatment is going to reinforce that. Some may question why you need it but this lot of treatment is working on stripping the bladder lining and growing a new one, this time without the malignant cells and without any other malignancy or premalignancy in there.
I'm fitter both physically and mentally than I was 5/6 months ago and so I am hoping to be able to cope better with this. Last time I didn't drive for 6 weeks. I'm not looking forward to the blood and gore bits (who is) but that means that the BCG is doing its job.
The last time I had CIS - which is Grade III - serious stuff indeed. It is a very aggressive form of cancer! So given that - and the BCG wiped that out, then this lot of treatment is going to reinforce that. Some may question why you need it but this lot of treatment is working on stripping the bladder lining and growing a new one, this time without the malignant cells and without any other malignancy or premalignancy in there.
I'm fitter both physically and mentally than I was 5/6 months ago and so I am hoping to be able to cope better with this. Last time I didn't drive for 6 weeks. I'm not looking forward to the blood and gore bits (who is) but that means that the BCG is doing its job.
Getting back to a work routine
Is going to be difficult as I start whilst having the treatment so I am going to have to work around that and to be able to produce the right sorts of results.
My induction training starts on Wednesday but first we are off to a Partner Presentation at the Millennium Stadium in Wales (nice). Then off to Shrewsbury and then onto Warrington to do the induction training.
I'm going to have to play Tuesdays by ear as they'd like me to be at the Reading Office. I'm not sure that I'll really be able to do that as the morning after is when you either get up and feel OK or you lie in a heap. I've a feeling that this time I'll get the next level of side effects. They say that the effects are cumulative - I expect that the first one will be OK and it will be the 2nd one again that flattens me. We shall see, it starts tomorrow. As usual the work I was expected to do last week hasn't arrived and somehow I will need to fit that in as well. I'm not too worried about that, I can sort that out and I can invoice for it so it will keep money turning over in the business until the money flows from the work I am doing now.
So this coming week it isn't going to be too much like work but the week after, once I have had my induction training I'll need to get back to the disciplines of getting up at a certain time and structuring my working day. It should be a bit of a laugh at least.
My induction training starts on Wednesday but first we are off to a Partner Presentation at the Millennium Stadium in Wales (nice). Then off to Shrewsbury and then onto Warrington to do the induction training.
I'm going to have to play Tuesdays by ear as they'd like me to be at the Reading Office. I'm not sure that I'll really be able to do that as the morning after is when you either get up and feel OK or you lie in a heap. I've a feeling that this time I'll get the next level of side effects. They say that the effects are cumulative - I expect that the first one will be OK and it will be the 2nd one again that flattens me. We shall see, it starts tomorrow. As usual the work I was expected to do last week hasn't arrived and somehow I will need to fit that in as well. I'm not too worried about that, I can sort that out and I can invoice for it so it will keep money turning over in the business until the money flows from the work I am doing now.
So this coming week it isn't going to be too much like work but the week after, once I have had my induction training I'll need to get back to the disciplines of getting up at a certain time and structuring my working day. It should be a bit of a laugh at least.
Saturday, June 02, 2007
That was a good day out
I dropped the family off at the coast and went and did a couple of hours work then picked them up again and then we went to one of these large designer outlets and spent some hard earned on some clothes for the cruise. We needed some jackets that convert from being fleece lined and waterproof to just waterproof. They are nice I have to say, warm as you like. That should keep off the sea breezes and enable us to get on to the glaciers and be ready for wind, sun, wet, cold etc.
A very nice day and next time - perhaps they'll remember to take some sun cream! It was also nice to take the Jag out for a decent run! Poor old car hasn't had a long run since January went I went to get my redundancy notice!
A very nice day and next time - perhaps they'll remember to take some sun cream! It was also nice to take the Jag out for a decent run! Poor old car hasn't had a long run since January went I went to get my redundancy notice!
Sun is shining
A nice day out there - we are off to the coast and I'm off to see the new boss. We might as well combine the two as he lives near the sea.
Over the last few days I've noticed that it has been a turning point in my outlook and the whole family. Everyone seems to be just that little bit happier. Great - long may that continue.
Over the last few days I've noticed that it has been a turning point in my outlook and the whole family. Everyone seems to be just that little bit happier. Great - long may that continue.
Friday, June 01, 2007
By Heck
I've lost some weight! You only notice when you get to do things like put a suit, shirt and tie on.
I am in a notch on my formal belt and that is comfortable - my trousers are almost too big now. Shirt - no problem doing the collar up this time - I could even get my finger between the collar and my skin - and my waistcoat was loose and my jacket feels big as well. Now I only wore these a month ago and they were tight as you like then so I reckon that I've lost at least 1/2" round my neck and an 1" or more perhaps around my waist. The Doc said he thought I looked a lot fitter and had lost some weight. A quick glance at my chart shows that I've lost about 2.5 Kg in the month which is about 5 1/2 Lb.
Excellent. I am pleased about that - you don't notice when you wear casual clothes as they are baggy anyway, stick on a suit and tie and suddenly you are pulling your belt in and all sorts.
I appear to have lost the flabby areas around my waist, around my neck and just below my arms. Well that was an unexpected surprise - I am pleased.
I am in a notch on my formal belt and that is comfortable - my trousers are almost too big now. Shirt - no problem doing the collar up this time - I could even get my finger between the collar and my skin - and my waistcoat was loose and my jacket feels big as well. Now I only wore these a month ago and they were tight as you like then so I reckon that I've lost at least 1/2" round my neck and an 1" or more perhaps around my waist. The Doc said he thought I looked a lot fitter and had lost some weight. A quick glance at my chart shows that I've lost about 2.5 Kg in the month which is about 5 1/2 Lb.
Excellent. I am pleased about that - you don't notice when you wear casual clothes as they are baggy anyway, stick on a suit and tie and suddenly you are pulling your belt in and all sorts.
I appear to have lost the flabby areas around my waist, around my neck and just below my arms. Well that was an unexpected surprise - I am pleased.
Another meeting this afternoon
I am going to our Provincial Meeting for the Royal Arch or Chapter this afternoon. I'm getting promoted and so will be part of the meeting but I won't be actually doing anything like carrying a sword or anything like that so I can relax and enjoy myself.
Tomorrow I have to drive down to the coast to meet the new boss so I'll be taking it easy tonight.
Tomorrow I have to drive down to the coast to meet the new boss so I'll be taking it easy tonight.
Melancholy
The strangest feelings overnight and this morning. I'm not downright sad and I'm not unhappy either. I just feel slightly sad, as if I am leaving somewhere and knowing that perhaps I won't be back there again. It really is quite peculiar.
Perhaps it is apprehension for the job and what I'll have to do? Maybe it is because I've now drawn a line under all that has gone before? Perhaps revealing who I am on the blog? It is bound to be something deep in my subconscious and it was as if a switch had been clicked it was that sudden. Maybe the next step in medication and realising that I'm on these pills for life. Perhaps it is the utter relief that all of the worries are now in the past, the cancer's gone, the insurance is settled and I'm employed again?
I've heard of the "wave of relief" perhaps this is what it is. The bad times are gone and in a strange way you kind of miss them being there. The realisation that the things that were constantly on your mind no longer need to be there. The acceptance that these things played on your mind far more than you thought they did. The pressure and stress you heap on yourself are also there and the person you portray to the outside world is no longer false - you can stop being the actor and be really cheerful now.
Well that is deep and meaningful enough for a Friday I think.
Perhaps it is apprehension for the job and what I'll have to do? Maybe it is because I've now drawn a line under all that has gone before? Perhaps revealing who I am on the blog? It is bound to be something deep in my subconscious and it was as if a switch had been clicked it was that sudden. Maybe the next step in medication and realising that I'm on these pills for life. Perhaps it is the utter relief that all of the worries are now in the past, the cancer's gone, the insurance is settled and I'm employed again?
I've heard of the "wave of relief" perhaps this is what it is. The bad times are gone and in a strange way you kind of miss them being there. The realisation that the things that were constantly on your mind no longer need to be there. The acceptance that these things played on your mind far more than you thought they did. The pressure and stress you heap on yourself are also there and the person you portray to the outside world is no longer false - you can stop being the actor and be really cheerful now.
Well that is deep and meaningful enough for a Friday I think.
Profile Information
I've published my profile "about me" information now. You can see that off to the right hand side of the blog.
I decided that I wouldn't do that originally in case something prejudiced the goings on with the insurance and of course the employment situation. As you may realise, there was a lot of doubt about that and if somehow things hadn't worked out then perhaps I'd have needed to work on that without the blog being part of the complication. I also felt that I didn't want everyone to know until I had told them myself. With the job front there may have been cause for some sort of tribunal and again I didn't want anything messing that up either.
So now - you know who I am and thanks to everyone who assisted me keeping it that way.
I decided that I wouldn't do that originally in case something prejudiced the goings on with the insurance and of course the employment situation. As you may realise, there was a lot of doubt about that and if somehow things hadn't worked out then perhaps I'd have needed to work on that without the blog being part of the complication. I also felt that I didn't want everyone to know until I had told them myself. With the job front there may have been cause for some sort of tribunal and again I didn't want anything messing that up either.
So now - you know who I am and thanks to everyone who assisted me keeping it that way.
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