1st Anniversary

Not anything that I think I ought to celebrate but at around about 6 p.m. today, one year ago, I arrive - after a long drive - at a Hotel in Yorkshire.

On going to the toilet - I was presented with the most obvious symptoms of Bladder Cancer you can imagine. Urinating blood. At that time, I thought it might have been a kidney infection. Towards the end of that week, I was pretty certain that it was far more serious.

I only realised yesterday what today signified! The next anniversaries are 7th July - Doctor tells me it is probably a tumour and refers me, 21st July the diagnosis. That will be a VERY interesting day as it falls on the day I will have my 50th Birthday party. I hadn't realised that when I booked it - it seems very appropriate that on the 21st last year I didn't think I would be here at all! But then I didn't know what I was dealing with then.

The Job

I find it disturbing and amusing (in a way). For 34 years (or thereabouts) I have been in jobs that were interesting, quite technical in nature and that somehow fitted my character. I say that to try and explain some of the strange things that have happened since I took on this new job. You see I like to think that I had a fair amount of respect for being a good Engineer etc.

The business is an Internet based business and is relatively simple in concept and leaves you with a "Why has no one ever thought of this before?" view. Because it is simple and that it could actually make a big impact and therefore big money, it gets looked at with a lot of scepticism. Again, I have no problem in that either. In fact, I have no problems at all in it (the idea) being taken away and decomposed and re-built and to check all the assumptions and to test all the figures. Again that is fine. What I do find remarkable is that people read the first few sentences of the explanation and immediately dismiss it. Up to a point that too is fine but to dismiss me in the same breath - and some people have known me for years is a bit strange. I mean it isn't snake oil (you may remember that I have no time for those sorts of people), it isn't as if they cannot have the discussion/argument. It is treating me as if I have somehow gone over to the dark side or perhaps have turned in to a lunatic that at the moment makes me a little angry. That and being totally dismissive of something that they haven't read, haven't thought through or haven't researched.

I'm still keeping an open mind on this and if it goes, it goes and if it doesn't - it would have been well worth the time to at least try it.

Of course this is all out of character for me - I run programs and projects, I am risk averse and I don't go into things without checking it out or making sure it can actually fly.

So what has changed there then? Well, it is slightly riskier than some (but not all) things I have done in the past, I have checked it out, it appears to be built on solid foundations and - I actually haven't changed that much - this has a very good chance because it is well thought through, simple, realistic and is built in a risk mitigated way. That is exactly how I have always set up my projects, that is why I find so many people's lack of faith or even time to talk to me properly annoying.

I said before that if I didn't give this a go I would regret it. If it doesn't come off, it would have been a huge learning experience. If it comes off, and it looks likely to, then it will be interesting to see the reactions to it and to me.

Contrary to popular belief I have not become unhinged or "lost it" - I just have a different outlook on life :-)

Whinge over!

Treatment No.5

Unlike Channel No.5!

I'm changing the music on my MP3 player this morning - there is only so many times you can listen to what is on there and I haven't changed it since the last operation so that is one job to do. I have a list of things to do to keep me busy this morning most aren't work related at all - I had totally forgotten about them and so I need to do those urgently now.

Monday morning's aren't good at the best of times but I try and makes sure I am busy as possible to take my mind off everything else that is going on.

Starting to look forward to the end of treatment now

It will be 5 out of 6 later and I have to tell you that it is quite a relief. I will see tomorrow if the cumulative side effects story is beginning to hold water. I think that perhaps it is the case that your body builds up a certain reaction to the treatment and that is - after all - exactly what it should do.

Last week the reactions were a little stronger although nothing as bad as week 2 again. I am preparing myself for this one as I would all the others but I might just change the way I take the tablets so that I have two every two hours this time from the start - that should help if I take 2 paracetamols, then 2 hours later 2 ibuprofen and so on alternatively. That may make a difference - it is worth a go to see if it will stop the stinging if nothing else. At least it is normally all finished by midnight and I can sleep most of it off.

Anyway that will be 5 of 6 and the end is in sight. We then have the three months wait to see what this lot of treatment has done. It goes without saying that we all hope that the next operation proves to be clear. That means maintenance and maintenance means no more operations but local procedures - not nice but then again - not quite the same as the alternatives of course.

More tomorrow no doubt!

We had a good day out

It was a nice day and a superb meal. Parents and Kid brother and family were all here - it was nice to see them all and to enjoy catching up with all the news. We went up to a country pub and the food and beer were good. Took the posh car but everyone said I drove too fast - well why have a car that can go fast and all that if you don't use it? seems strange to me.

I hope everyone went away happier that they had seen me and found that it was true - I do look a lot better, I am certainly a lot thinner and a lot fitter than the last time they saw me.

despite what I said about not doing too well down the week - I suppose whilst I am fitter - I may not have the stamina I used to have. I need to work on that I suppose. I'm am absolutely certain that I really don't know how much this has taken out of me.

On a note of interest - the UK goes Smoke free in about 40 minutes. Being an ex-smoker - I don't mind people smoking and, whilst every time I see someone smoking it worries me they may get what I had or worse, you can't tell anyone - I doubt I would have listened. I now don't want to be a non smoking bore either. However, what will be good is to come home after a beer and not have my clothes stink of smoke. I was amazed today that one person smoked in the pub and I caught a whiff of it in the restaurant (which was non smoking) it quite turned me - I suppose because I wasn't expecting it.

It will be interesting to see how the ban goes.

And so where was I Thursday Night?

At a pub on Cockspur Street and earlier half way between Haymarket and Cockspur Street.

MMmm. You never know do you?

A good night's sleep has made a difference.

And so to bed

I am absolutely knackered. I still have to remember that I am still not as fit or as young as I used to be and yesterday was a long hard day in more ways than one.

Folks coming tomorrow so need to be awake and with it

Not Poisoning Me

Phoned the doc - blood tests are OK - they are not poisoning me - keep taking the tablets.

Actually I have not heard back on whether to start taking Aspirin? I shall have to ask the question when I go and get my repeat prescriptions sorted out..

All good fun. I'm not happy about the fact that I have to take pills for the rest of my life but, apparently these are bringing my blood pressure down and reducing my cholesterol (which wasn't bad anyway) and a number of other things - so it is good for me.

Oh boy

Am I ever tired this morning :-) It was one hell of a long day and quite a long night too.

I'm a little bit slow this morning!

Surprise surprise

Absolutely

Wiped out.

Oh my goodness - what a day.

Phew- 01:10 in the morning - just got in.

I should have no problems sleeping tonight!

Off to London

I haven't been up to London on business for absolutely ages. Well - apart from going up to get this job that is.

So I have two appointments today. I am quite looking forward to this.

You think of some strange things

Last night - again a Tuesday night - hardly any sleep again - it must be the reaction to the treatment. Wide awake but thinking and working out in my head whether I owe an apology to my family for putting the through all the problems of last year?

I was sort of running through in my head making some sort of speech - like at an awards ceremony - thanking them for being there for me, putting up with me and feeling very emotional about it.

And it plays a bit on your mind. I remember being very frail last July / August and people mentioned (now mind you) that I looked drawn and despite my attitude that I was a bit down. So you then think, to yourself, blimey, what damage did I inflict on those around me? We are all happy now but I was in no fit state to do much.

There is an opposing view that they wanted to see you better that it brings out people's compassion but it must also be a worry to them as well (you never want to think that you'd give someone stress - I wouldn't but I bet I did). Yeeks.

So really some things to ponder over - I'm of course grateful for everything that has been done and there I am as well wondering if I have inflicted some sort of pain on them. And then you can counter argue did I deserve to get ill, was it my fault? Then we can really go and stretch our minds on that one. I think that may be worthy of some thought and another blog altogether. Did I deserve to get cancer? I'll give it some thought.

For the moment though - did I inflict pain on those around me or was that just an outcome? Wow - what a terrible thought. I'd never do it willingly or out of malice.

No I need to go away and think about it some more. Cancer works on all those levels. It doesnt just affect you, it affects your family, your friends and that is why it is such a feared disease. Whether you want to or not, every body gets to be ill with you.

Saddened to learn that our friend died

Last week. He was diagnosed with Lung Cancer last September I think because it was when I was in for the second time.

It hardly seems fair, he was a lovely guy, we all got on great with him, a real gentleman and someone who had led an interesting life, had so many stories you wouldn't believe and who will be sorely missed. I don't think I ever met his wife, perhaps once, and now he is gone. 10 months was all he got. That is the other side of the coin. I don't think any of us realised when we saw him in February that it would be the last time we saw him.

Life's like that - it can be damn cruel.

Deadline Met

Oh my goodness

I just finished - I have been at it all day and my computer must have been groaning under the size of the document - phew - a real marathon but I have completed it now.

I am up to London tomorrow to meet with some potential partners in the morning and another in the afternoon so I am going to be busy as you like.

I shall have the day at home on Friday and I have another deadline to keep for that day as well.

Roll on the weekend and a bit of respite!

The pressure is on

I have a deadline to get a document out by tonight, it is just gone 10 and I am just about to get started on it. That is cutting it tight but that is the way things are at the moment. I need to do a few more days work on this project and get it wrapped so I can concentrate on other things.

My folks are coming over this Saturday so come what may I am not working on Saturday at all. I've worked the last three weekends and as it is my Mum's 70th Birthday and followed by my 50th a few days later I will get strung up if I do. It will be nice to see my folks again, I haven't seen them since Christmas I think? Maybe we did go this year - I can't remember (Hey 50 year Mind meltdown has arrived).

As you can see I will soon be catching up to my Mum's age

When I was born I was a 20th of her age, when she was 30 I was a 1/3rd of her age, when she was 40 I was 1/2 her age, when she was 60 I was 2/3rds of her age and now I am 5/7ths of her age. So if we both hang around long enough I should eventually catch up and be the same age?

Maths wasn't my strong point at school.

Putting the brakes on

I find myself working all sorts of hours and at the strangest times, I have no real timetable except the regular eating, drinking, taking drugs (no not the mind bending ones) and just burning energy and enthusiasm.

I'm a right little dynamo. I guess that might all change next week when the BIG FIVE O hits. I worry that like my children's Hamsters, I will have this last three or four days of crazy activity before slumping knackered in my wheel at the end of the week, being wrapped in Kleenex - stuck in a shoe box and buried with my predecessors at the end of the Garden. Life is tough in Hamster town. You get a nice cross made out of lollipop sticks and they struggle to remember what actual day you were bought from the Pet Shop but you did well if you lasted over two years.

Perhaps I think too much. Perhaps I ought to go to bed? Good idea.

Title Deeds

A Nice package arrived this morning. Confirms that mortgage is paid off and additionally the title deeds to the house were enclosed.

Cool - we actually own our house. We've been here 19 years this Sunday!! :-)

This is another one of those things that I can now tick off my list and say it is done, I no longer need to worry about that. There have been a few this year. I suppose I could put last year down as the worst in my life and that this year started off as being perhaps the next worst one :-). In fact, in a very strange way, I'm beginning to get my life back and things are coming under some form of control (I am saying this before speaking to the Doc after my blood test - perhaps I ought not to tempt fate).

Things that are beginning to go right:

House - finished that
Insurance - sorted out
Job - new exciting and demanding job
Health - cancer free, fitter, losing weight, blood pressure and other heart stuff under control
Holiday - after 2 years we get a break together
Head - Not nearly as angst ridden and tortured - back being an optimist
Family - everything seems to be much happier - the oppressive atmosphere (caused by the illness I reckon) gone
Treatment - Challenging stuff - stops recurrence - could totally eradicate this over time
Luck - the depth of this line ____ any deeper and it would have been so different.

So there you go - how to change your outlook and you way of thinking, putting it all together, counting your luck and blessings and valuing the days. The change in my demeanour in the past few months is amazing.

That was different

You never know with these treatments. At one point in time I felt really bad last night. It was just after I had eaten and it felt for all the world as if I desperately wanted to go to the toilet. Yet I knew that I had been a few minutes before. This sort of reaction I remember from my first flexible cystoscopy and from my first lot of treatment. It is a warning sign that you are about to get very sore indeed.

That wasn't wrong and I did start to feel most uncomfortable. The trick is to try and not go to the toilet as there isn't much to get out of your system and you really need to have something in your bladder to wash out the debris. I managed to get past this by going to bed and lying down and also by having some tablets.

I suppose for about an hour I was lying around - pain is probably too hard a word for this - constant stinging would probably be right. Again, it is uncomfortable but painful? Probably not.

I finally felt full enough to go and lo and behold there was a fair amount of debris that needed to come out. I was glad I had the experience to wait to achieve that. In the past it has been agony passing these bits without sufficient pressure to do it properly. It sounds awful but it isn't so bad.

I feel OK this morning - after the episode above I hung on until about 11 pm to go again and just laid in bed (this is a good ploy - I still tend to want to move around too much). That was fine, very little stinging but everything looked a little swollen and beaten up. This morning - well it isn't normal but I don't feel too bad and I'm up at a half reasonable hour of the day.

I'm in two minds whether to start having some pain killers when I stop drinking - two hours before treatment (or perhaps three) just to get myself ready. I'll see how next week goes. I have a feeling that I had this sort of reaction last time. I just need to go back over my notes and see if I am right. Certainly the second treatment of each course was the worst and yet I remember another one like this last time as well.

Kick the Bucket and other gems from the treatment room

Despite being a bad one we did have a bit of fun.

Whilst I was trying to get comfortable on the table the sharps bucket was nearly dislodged by my rather large trainers. I was still trying to get comfortable and told the nurse that I was having great difficulty getting set for her and that I didn't want to kick the bucket*.

She laughed and then suggested that I lie back and squeeze my balls! I hasten to add - these are my stress balls. The two nurses are really good at making you feel relaxed - let's face it you don't want any sudden moves when they are armed with a catheter now do you?







* UK slang for dying

Watney's Red Barrel

You must remember that - in the UK Watneys Red Barrel was a beer that was weak but you seemed to find it everywhere and it was pretty grim stuff to drink. Obviously somebody did as it was a best seller.

a bit of graffiti:

"If you think the bottom is falling out of your world, drink Watneys and watch the world fall out of your bottom!"

Which is exactly how I can describe tonight's episodes :-)