Difficult not doing anything

I found today quite difficult - not doing anything - I tried not to answer the phone either.

The trouble I now have is that I actually don't feel up to tomorrow's round of problems. The business stuff really is a mess and I can jump in and sort it out or perhaps - what I ought to do - is to leave them to it.

I think I may just give them another few weeks and if they come to their senses then I can sort things out for them - if not, perhaps I need to let them taste the foul medicine.

Life is too short to work with people who aren't taking your advice and digging themselves a large hole. I don't like seeing people fail but perhaps that is what is needed?

Perhaps I should take time now to make all those lifestyle changes I promised myself?

Not the worst by any means

That Catheter hurt this time which induced a stinging and a sharp pain every now and again meaning that you wince, double up and have quite a sharp intake of breath. Perhaps the Nurse, on her own, was rushing about? It meant I looked a little comic walking out of the Hospital and was pretty much unable to do anything except lie down yesterday.

The side effects were moderately bad this time, not the worst I have had on a second one as before - thank goodness - but significant enough to make me feel very tender around the middle this morning and I am still getting the pain described above to remind me as well.

I followed the usual routine and so Ibuprofen and Paracetamol have done their jobs. I have left the phones on answerphone and intend to take things very easy today. I overdid it last week and so this week I intend (as far as it is possible for me) to do nothing for the rest of the day.

Rituals

Have had the Shower. Laid out the pills by the side of my bed. MP3 player there as is my notebook to make sure that I capture what happened to me at each treatment and in case anyone need to know for emergencies.

This treatment can result in some very serious side effects and it is worth keeping a note. I don't publish that set of notes in here as it is boring and a little gory and detailed. You know, how big and the composition of the bits falling out of me :-( Yuk!

I am just waiting a few minutes before setting up the old towels, bleach tablets and bottles, disposable gloves and detergent wipes in the bathroom. I have an old towel under me in bed but I haven't needed that since the first lot of treatment - then it was needed because of how much work the BCG was doing.

Morning flown by

Which is great and why oh why do people insist on calling me as I am trying to get my last food and drink down my neck prior to having to have no fluids for 2 hours? I don't like to be rude but I did have to hurry them along a bit.

So this is the one that in the past sort out the men from the boys eh? I'll probably end up being a Mouse on this one :-) as someone once said it isn't for sissies!

I was about to go on about it but, it hasn't happened yet so perhaps it is best to just see what happens. I hope the catheter goes in better than it did last week though :-(

Oh well, just 1 1/2 hours to go - time to go and get all of my stuff ready.

One for the mathematicians

After tomorrow's treatment can I actually be half way through?

With a course of 3 treatments I doubt I can say that I am half way through if I have had two but it is halfway in time of course. It was funny that someone said that it was halfway and in fact it is 2/3rds of the way!

I am getting ready for it to be bad - like both previous times I think the body over reacts to this one. The first one it probably gets quite a surprise and this time it is ready to fight it off.

Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Saturday

I didn't want to be working but find myself doing so again. Why do people use their own initiative and then find that their initiative is wrong.

Dumb!

As for me - feeling OK - Getting ready for Monday andtreatment No.2. And if you know anything about my previious treatments - this is the real shaker of a treatment - I reckon the body just goes into meltdown on this one :-) MMmmm Looking forward to that as a Turkey looks forward to Christmas

Cramp

Middle of the night - blimey it was a bad one and I could hardly move I was then awake for three or more hours as my brain went back to the earlier meeting.

I think that these Statins can give you cramps - I don't want another like that - it still hurts.

Still have the job

Not a surprise really. It was emotionally charged - but at least common sense erupted in the end!

I shudder to think what they will come up with next.

Today should mark a turning point

Finally we get a room full of investors together and I can address some of the problems that they face.

It seems crazy to me that we are going into a meeting where two sides know what they want to get out of the meeting and yet one party is going to be very disappointed, perhaps upset about it all.

Me? I will either have a job by the end of the day or I wont. If I don't have a job then I doubt that there will be too much to worry about as it isn't the end of the world. It would be disappointing but not the end of the world.

Slow day

I was slow up this morning. Yes, I had been for a few beers last night but I felt very tired - I put this down to not resting enough yesterday.

I expect next week to be worse and to knock me about severely - I plan to definitely not try and work on the Tuesday next week.

What a nice surprise

A friend from years ago turned up and drove a long way to see us.

We didn't actually go for the bubbly. I had offered to buy some Champagne but no - no one wanted any.

But it was really great that we celebrated. I do have a problem though I just cannot drink like I used to. I really notice that now and it has only been the past few months that have proved it to me.

It is time to change yet another part of my life then - drink will have to go the way of salt and fatty foods.

Yeek - what is there left for your old age :-)

Whoa

What was that just came flying out? That was a shock - you forget that this stuff strips your bladder lining and a great big piece just flew out.

Yuk.

Note to self - "I must stop being so Cavalier about my treatment"

I forget how serious this is - perhaps a defence mechanism but I need to remind myself occasionally that this is serious.

You Forget

How this feels and how it makes you feel afterwards.

I know though that despite feeling I was OK and didn't want to lie in bed that it was the best place for me.

As it was the first one - things weren't so bad. I has some blood and bits but nothing overly grizzly. The stinging and aching were worse than I remember. I am also expecting next week to be far worse. The 2nd one has been the worst in all cases previously so I am going to prepare for that for next week.

I feel like my lower back has been hit and it feels bruised and my joints (Hips, Knees, Ankles, Shoulder, Elbows and Wrists) ache slightly.

Other than that - I don't feel too bad at all.

Ouch

I had quite forgotten the moment the catheter goes in for the first time and muscles its way past your Prostate and pushes past the little sphincter and into your bladder. Eyes watering and those stress relievers earned their money today.

The Urology Nurse is great though and things are over and done soon. I am between the end of the first session and getting ready for bed. I have done my normal thing, had my tablets and so on and thought I'd jut top by here.

I found out today that I am on the European Protocol. I get three of these, a nine week break, another three and then wait twelve weeks and horror of horrors I have to go back in for another operation and biopsies. I was pretty upset about that, I thought I was going to get a flexible cystoscopy - not nice but to have to go through all of that again and a week off is something I wasn't expecting. Something I will have to live with though I suppose.

Right I can feel stinging again and need to go a lie down.

Well - Here I am

All scrubbed up clean and ready to go. In about 30 minutes I'll have had the procedure and can come home and do my usual turning and bleaching the loo and all of that stuff.

I suppose this time I can actually say that It is easy to work out. After today, I am already a third of the way through. Next week 2/3rds (you could say half way but 2/3rd is much better) and then 14 days time it will all be over for a while.

Nice.

I have just about got all of my things back into the "action" position. All I need to do now is get the pills ready and my note book so I can jot down my symptoms etc.

Not looking forward to this

I suppose I should be grateful that I didn't get much warning about the BCGs.

The problem is that it is only a few hours away and I know that I am going to feel rough for 24 hours if not a bit longer.

I must focus my mind on the fact that last time I was there that I had bladder cancer and this time, I don't. That means that what we did then mean that I am cancer free now and that it was those treatments that made it so.

Nothing quite focuses the mind as having a BCG instillation.

So back to BCG

Funny how a friend of mine thought these were injections - he was quite shocked when I told him what was really going on!

There is never a good time for things to happen. Tomorrow really isn't a good time but the guys will have to learn to live with it.

I'm not sure when my man arrives back from Canada as all the plans he made without original reference to me are all gone to pot - I did warn that this might happen but towards the end of the Month. I suppose it is good to get it out of the way. I doubt I will feel that happy about it tomorrow.

I now need to prepare myself for these and get all my stuff lined up ready. As my Urology Nurse said to me last time I met her. "You shouldn't be disappointed if we continue to meet as it means that you will be getting better!" Too right I am - I no longer have cancer and I still can hardly believe it.

Nimrod

Elgar's Nimrod will be played tomorrow at the Remembrance service.

That one piece of music reduces me to a shaking mass and so it should I think.

Every year I stay at home and I watch the 11th Hour of the 11th Day and I do remember. As a family we lost 15 or more of my relatives to make the world free as it is today.

I absolutely know that up until Nimrod is played I will be OK. After that I will be "in bits". My family will be at the local church on Church Parade with the Rainbows and Girl Guides (I am proud that my children are young leaders in that organization)

The sacrifice is just beyond imagination.

Unexpected things

How nice is it that someone you really like just turns up and gives you a great big kiss and says how wonderful the news is?

A very old friend of mine did just that tonight! How fortunate I am to have such friends!

How do I explain the lipstick on my collar?

The downside of being cancer free

Is that you think to yourself that it is all over and in fact it isn't - there is the maintenance to be gone through and there is a bit in the back of your mind resenting the fact that I am going to be "curled in a ball" for the next three weeks or as someone said to me - 15 days I suppose that is so when I get three zaps on three successive Mondays.

Now - I know what you are thinking because my brain is saying the same - it is just so strange how your emotions get in the way of the unavoidable logic of the situation.

I get annoyed with the fact that my emotional brain just is never satisfied. I suppose that is the thing that makes us all human!