Whoops - I'd better go to bed

I got a lot of work done today but I am still at it and it is almost 1 am. Time for bed I think.

Preparing all of this stuff for the Tribunal is tedious but it is at least making things straight in my head as to what happened and now I a lot happier that things will play out as best they can.

Closure - I need closure on this stuff. I have also to remember that sometimes the Dragon actually wins.

Sleep on it

And I did and things are much clearer this morning. All the obfuscation these guys put up is a smoke screen. I need to prepare things pretty swiftly but don't need to answer some of the more obscure stuff they put in to their statement. I just need to concentrate on what the facts are.

Good - that is a weight off of my mind. I shall try and get it finished by tonight and then I don't need to worry about it.

A friend in need

Is a nuisance - get rid of him (thanks Tommy Cooper!).

No really, a friend of mine turned up today and we went through some paper work that I was having trouble with and I think that helped sort out something that had been bugging me. We then went off for a few beers and I felt a lot better after that as I was able to get some of the worry off my chest about the Tribunal and the nonsense going on there.

I came home and had a few beers and feel nice and sleepy now :-) Which is good as I don't want a sleepless night worrying like I did last night!

Oh well

The documentation is through and they are going to fight their corner- perhaps I shouldn't have expected anything else. It has annoyed me quite a bit that they have dragged a load of unnecessary stuff into the response to obfuscate things. I suppose that is the way they work.

So feeling pretty miserable as a result but will hopefully cheer myself up a bit over the weekend.

A bit better night

The cramps didn't materialise into much more than just a set of twinges although I was up a number of times over night. I tend to forget that the treatment does that. The brain is pretty good at forgetting little facts like the amount of times you need to trot off to the toilet!

Anyway, the main thing is that I didn't wake up with my muscles tied in knots last night and yet this morning I can still feel a slight low down ache in my calves. I shall have to take myself off for a walk or something later to see if I can sort that out.

The deadline has gone for the response and I have heard nothing so far. That determines the next actions I have to do and so with a bit of luck I'll hear today or Monday on that as if I have to produce evidence - I will need to go and get that copied and bound and posted off ASAP.

I am feeling a lot better about myself these days, it helped to talk to two friends over the past week who have been through similar experiences and realise that they are getting on with things - I'm getting on with things now and hope that I'll soon start getting "closure" on some of these.

Ouch again

Mmm, I've got cramps in my legs again tonight - not bad but I can tell they are there! I am still suffering slightly - my mate said to me that I didn't look 100% today and I was a bit whiter than usual.

Oh well, take thing easy - get to bed early and also I mustn't forget to make the phone call I forgot last week!

And I mustn't forget to drop a note to a contact who left me a message last week and ll those e-mails to deal with. I need to give myself a stern talking to in the morning and get on with the growing list of to dos I have here.

Disturbed Night

I get this occasionally - cramp in my calf muscles. It seems to be after the treatment but also - and I am almost convincing myself about this now - as part of these Statins I am taking. Granted, I'm not back up to full fitness yet and so perhaps now that I can start to get myself back into shape this will go away again. However, I'm not enjoying the 3 am wake up with cramp and the yelling and stretching and massaging my leg back to normality. It always seems to happen on or about the 2nd or 3rd day after treatment too.

On a lighter note, I am looking forward to going out to lunch today with my friend. It is a milestone day in some respects as it is the deadline for a response to be entered by my ex-employers. Once that is known then we can go forward again to the next step and see what happens next. Going out will mean that I am not stewing over what the response is. In a way I hope they miss it or realise that the defence they are going with is stretching the imagination a bit!

So - hopefully a good day ahead and a pleasant lunch time.

Still a little painful

I tend to forget that the after effects can go on for a while after treatment and I'm certainly feeling a few twinges. At least this is the last for a while.

Tomorrow is the deadline for my ex-employer to get their response back to the Tribunal and so I guess I will hear on Friday whether things now move forward to the full hearing or whether there will be a default judgement. Either way now suits me and I can prepare the next step of the process.

I out with a good friend tomorrow to discuss the latest in both of our recoveries and to talk about 2008 and new opportunities. It will be a good meeting whatever as we enjoy each other's company. Looking forward to comparing notes again.

Another one

I just spoke to an old friend who had a lump examined under ultrasound yesterday and now has to go and have biopsies taken on Friday. It is the waiting around for the results I told him which was the worst bit.

He hadn't realised what sort of cancer I had had - so he drew a sharp intake of breath when I told him. Modern science and medicine these days is such that you stand a very good chance of survival. I was surprised that some forms of cancer are coming down in their rating and you cannot insure against some of them if they are at an early CIS type stage! In some cases of course, they can now fully cure cancer which is brilliant. A lot more of course live in remission.

Anyway, I do hope that they find it is non cancerous and sort it out and I hope that he stops smoking! I can understand that he is stressed to bits too so I hope that I managed to give him the survivor's view!

I don't envy him the waiting. I remember the last lot and even knowing that it "looked" OK it was still a worry. A wonderful day too for me of course but 3 or 4 weeks of concern.

A good evening

Another old friend turned up last night and we had some good reminiscences. At one point we were laughing so loud I thought we were going to get chucked out of the pub.

I was doing the "every 15 minute" trip to the loo, which must have seemed strange - I've needed to go a few times before but not like that - it is one of the side effects of the treatment, it will go away in a few days time.

Had a brief but interesting conversation with my friend who didn't set up as self-employed but as a Limited company - I need to go and think this through now. I cannot decide whether to go self employed, a limited business change my existing business or quite what. Thinking cap on for the rest of the week.

I'm still a little bit sore but not too bad considering the side effects on Monday night. I am hoping that I can start next week without having to worry about anything and also getting my Monday and Tuesday back to useful employment now that I don't have the treatment to contend with.

A quick post

Before I go out and meet up with the lads. I deserve a beer, I really do. I need to make sure that I am also quite near the toilet too :-)

No really - it will be good to meet up again - it seems ages but is only a month since the last one. I hope to get some good data out of one of my friends who is self employed. One of the key things I got from the weekend course was that it may be worth me doing that than having a company behind me. Of course that opens you up to liability issues but the business isn't one where I will be buying massive chunks of equipment or owning anyone money so it shouldn't get to that.

Anyway - I'd better go and get ready and make my way over and enjoy a few glasses of warm british beer.

Treatment News

So yesterday was the last of this batch - my goodness I have had 18 of these - I'm sure the Urology nurse has seen my tackle more often than the wife :-)

Anyway - so I asked what the next steps are if all is clear:

Another batch of BCG like this one - which is 3 followed by a 9 week wait and another 3 and then operation and biopsies 12 weeks later. If that is clear, repeat the same one more time. If that is clear - then that is it! No 8 years worth and longer periods in between operations etc. I imagine that there would be some visual scoping and tests along the way.

That was a surprise - I was expecting a lot longer but modern practice appears to be this regimen. I could be finished with all of this around about this time next year in that case. Amazing.

A change in the wind

I am up, I am hurting (you'd better believe it) and I'm feeling good about myself at last.

First, the treatment was instilled quickly and easily and with minimum discomfort - better than the previous two but the side effects this time were immediate and started bang on 2 hours in. I am pretty uncomfortable right now as not only is the area sore but also there are occasional spasms of my bladder and urethra. Interesting and these things are strange - imagine if you have had a muscle spasm or twitch and then transfer that downstairs - a very strange sensation (where do you change the batteries?).

So I am going to leave his PC alone and go and rest up in a few minutes as I know I need some rest - I should have stayed in bed longer but someone put the phone back in my room and someone called about 45 minutes ago so I was awake then.

Other than this - I am feeling a lot better knowing I don't have another one of these next week and that things seem to be changing, my outlook is better and I notice that I am beginning to look outside of my own little world which I've lived in for quite a while. I am not feeling so thunderously depressed as I was and the weekend seemed to do me good - perhaps I had someone who had suffered the same stuff as me and so I was able to get a lot of it off of my chest. It was very therapeutic and I feel like a huge weight is lifted off me. I also think that the course I went on also made me confident that I could make a living at it and that I could be successful (not being nasty but a lot of people hadn't thought it through before they went).

I've written off for details of a BA Hons History Degree that I think I'd like to study and I have the details of the Professional Genealogists course too. If I can make the figures stack up, then I will look at this if the other job that a friend has lined up doesn't materialise.

So whilst I am not feeling great this morning physically I am feeling very positive mentally - more so than for a long time. Long may that continue.

The Unsung Hero - Heroine actually

Is my wife. Today she will run me up to the Hospital and double park to wait for me to have my treatment, she drives me home, keeps an eye on the timings and puts up with all the side effects such as me being grumpy or tired or lazy or sleepy or wide awake or insomniatic and just about everything else. I can't imagine that it is great to see me in the state I'll be in later today or to hear me grunting and groaning every-time I try and move to make myself comfortable.

She has never once complained about it, she has just got on and been there all the time and she has cheered me up when I've needed it too.

I will have to start acting as if I deserved all of this attention.

Right - off to get ready for the last one this session - I'm sure that I'll be back on this stuff again in June or July if all goes OK with the Biopsies.

Suddenly it is all matter of fact

I was just reading the previous post. It sounded more like a press release than me talking. Such is the ongoing normalness of such things like treatment and operations that it is just something that happens to me now.

Before I used to be all wound up about it but it appears to me to be part of my every day life now.

My friend in Canterbury asked me if I feared anything these days? I thought that was a strange question but I was able to answer that no I didn't fear anything now. I can still get angry or anxious but I don't fear things anymore. There is probably a good reason behind his question but there is something quite refreshing about being a cancer survivor. You don't take prisoners anymore and you deal with shallow people in a very assertive way. You don't worry too much about things - what is the worst that can happen?

Having said that - I am pretty bent out of shape by the stuff going on around the Tribunal but again, what is the worst that can happen? The worst that can happen is that I lose the case. Is that fear or just anger?

Anyway, I am just surprised at myself for being so matter of fact about getting the treatment, having an operation and all of that. That is a big change in less than a year.

So here we are - final treatment of this session

Count three months from today - about the 6th May - and I should be in Hospital getting biopsies and we will see just how effective things have been. The longer you go without recurrence, then the greater the chances are that you are winning the battle. There is chart somewhere that explains all of this but, it generally shows that your odds of recovery improve greatly as time goes on and there are no set-backs.

By continuing to treat and then pulling that out over a period of time the treatment continues to renew the bladder lining and so lessen the chances of recurrence.

Anyway, final treatment and in a few hours I'll swing into the usual patterns and rituals to see me through the day. The last time, this third one proved to be the worst of the 3 so I will again be on my guard. You have to treat them all with respect.

Not a criticism - just an observation

When you get Cancer - your friends are too close to you to know what to do about it as they have been hit about as hard as you have (in a different way). SO I don't want it so sound at all as if it is a criticism, in fact, I only realised this the other night talking to my friend in Canterbury. Those nearest and dearest to you get thwacked with your Cancer diagnosis themselves and they have to deal with it too. I'm annoyed now that they went through that and that it has taken me this long to realise.

What was amazing was that those who I knew well but I wouldn't put them into family and friends category came in closer whilst the close ones moved away slightly.

I'm not sure that this post is making sense or being sensitive enough about this. Just an observation that in getting my diagnosis it hurt the circle of my friends and family. It didn't send anyone into misbehaviour (apart from me) - I don't think anyone got angry or bent out of shape about it, we don't do emotion as a family and it is rare that voices are raised or doors slammed etc. My friends have been great but I hadn't thought that my diagnosis and treatment would upset anyone else but me - it does tend to be a personal and selfish experience in my humble opinion. It does affect other people around you and we all deal with it differently.

I'm annoyed with myself for not seeing this until now - sure - I've had lots on my plate but it isn't at all like me - I am pretty good about this sort of thing. Some would say that I was superficial but they'd just be scratching the surface!

All is OK now - I think that it is just an interesting subject to explore a bit deeper when I get time. I never asked anyone else how "they" felt about it as it seemed to be so personal to me.

I've been so often I didn't know the half of it

I have been to Canterbury a lot of times. For the Cricket - for work but not since I was a youngster have I been in the centre or in the wonderful surrounding streets.

I was a lovely walk to the IHGS offices through some period streets, buildings all out of square and regular shape as they sag with age and display a character new buildings just cannot. I shall have to take myself off to Canterbury again, armed with a camera and a good guide book the streets should come alive and tell me their history. It looked marvellous and I eaves dropped a number of tourists and their guide talking about one building. Fascinating stuff.

It isn't that far from me but takes a good 1 1/2 hours on the train. It takes that long by car too unfortunately. However, the whole town looks great - the traffic has always been a problem and I think I have spent more time on the ring road than in the town.

So there you have it - another wonder explored and a place to go on my to do list.

The course was a useful one I thought - you needed to contribute and yet not too many people did. I felt that a number hadn't really thought through their business strategy and were somehow hoping that by a miracle it would all come clear and they would go home and start trading in Monday. In reality I actually felt I could start trading on Monday as I have already covered off most of the bases. I Won't of course, as Monday and Tuesday are probably going to be spent in a darkened room with the last of my current batch of treatments.

Anyway, having met A's mentor and had a longs chat and having done the course and seen those who I am up against as potential competitors (and having met those taking the course) I can see that there is a market to be achieved out there and it just needs a few more major decisions to be made as to whether to incorporate or not or whether to trade in my own name (self branding no corporate branding) that needs to be decided. Having an interchangeable or two businesses is also a possibility but then there are two set up and admin costs and split equipment charges etc. All very confusing and perhaps the most difficult decision to make.

Thought Provoking

An interesting day and lots of information that I can say I already knew - perhaps 80% of what i heard was as I had expected. The 20% though was interesting. Afterwards I spent a great evening with someone who I have a lot of time for and that I am growing to like more and more. A's mentor in the photographic world. A lovely guy and a kindred spirit. Isn't it great when you meet someone you can relate to and share similar experiences with?

A good day out in Canterbury and I'll say more as it sinks in - for now - it is late and I need to go and get my beauty sleep!

Treatment day on Monday and that is the lot for a while - yippee!

Looking forward to tomorrow

Off to bed now as an early start and I am looking forward to having a day of working out whether I ought to be doing family history research or not. It will be interesting to hear what others have to say about it and whether there is a living to be made or whether it is all just so much wishful thinking.

Well - I'll find out tomorrow.