Thanks KP

This cheered me up.

It says

So you think YOU had a bad day?

It Can Always be worse!

A second walk helped

With the wife - we went out and had a bracing walk it is getting very cold out there. A bit of a chat and a bit of balance into the equation. There are so many variables at the moment and it doesn't help to try and second guess the issue either.

I will be glad when I get some clarity either way and can get on with whatever I am going to do next.

Well kind of

I suppose that it has helped a bit - I am just going through a bad period at the moment. I've tried distraction and other techniques and the walk seems to have calmed things down a bit - I'm going to do a bit more in a few hours to see if that might help a bit more to break up the day and stop me dwelling on the negatives

It really is annoying as I know what is wrong and I should be able to deal with this - I always used to but again, I find that having had cancer has really weakened my mind. You get really strong in some ways fighting it and facing up to the treatment and then you get this stuff gnawing away at you.

I hope that I can get this lot out of the way and get on with my life as this is just stupid.

Roller Coaster Continues

Spoke to the conciliator - I am hoping that the work I have now done clearly lays out the choices for them. It is stark stuff but my documents make it clear what the case was. I'm only talking to the middle man and yet my chest is heaving. I'm going to take myself out for a walk to see if that does me some good.

Somewhat better

I was having a very bad day yesterday and yet, rationalising it as I went to bed - I just cannot see what it is that should be triggering me off I suppose it is just annoying and I'm worried about getting angry and aggressive or "losing it" during the tribunal but again, if I think long and hard about this, it is obvious what is going on. They don't work the same way that I do and my personality cannot make sense of it. In fact that is probably more like it. I can see the wood from the trees - they really haven't worked out that yet. They can't even see there is either there.

Of course, it isn't just that which is gnawing away at me either. The painfully slow road to recovery is also getting to me. I realise that it is also probably getting old but I don't have the energy levels and fitness levels I used to have which limits me and I'm going to start to tackle those sometime this week as I need to literally and figuratively "get out more". Sitting at this PC day in and day out really isn't going to make me fit.

Oh well, I'm feeling a lot better than yesterday and I have no doubt this week will bring much in the way of ups and downs too. I just need to work my way through them.

Getting quite depressed again

All of a sudden it came on again, not big nasty old black dog but inward looking, fed up, can't move on, introspective me.

I really really hate this at the moment. I feel quite sick inside and just when I feel good or move a bit, something comes along and knocks me back again. I have to get on with things and yet I'd quite happily go and sit quietly somewhere and brood over something.

I know I'm like this because of the tribunal thing - I mean what did I expect to happen? They lied last year so why change the way they approach their business and no doubt personal ethics. Probably that is right at the heart of it. I feel cheated and used and taken advantage of and I really cannot forgive or forget that with all the other troubles I've had they did this to me. Better than that, they have brought that up as some form of defence. Perhaps that is also at the heart of it, it is almost like some prejudice about me having had cancer or dared to have had treatment when I was meant to be working for nothing for them.

I'm not entirely sure how to tackle this at the moment. I hope that this week will see it all go away in some form or another.

I'm certainly going to try and do something different tomorrow to move myself on with it. They get the documents tomorrow so perhaps that will set some sort of resolution in process.

As parties go

It wasn't one I'd have made an effort to go to. I knew - my wife only and no one else! I did my best, hosed down a few beers and listened to the music which was a redeeming feature of the evening.

Other than that - I have to say I was bored senseless. Oh well, you have to go to these things sometimes I suppose.

Off out in a minute

Totally forgotten that we are off out tonight - are you coming? I was just asked ??????

A "dress to Impress" party - great - I'll see if the DJ still fits, my shirt is creased to blazes so I can't take off my jacket :-)

Great. Oh well - free booze so I should be alright I guess.

Interesting

A few more documents than I envisaged were produced for the tribunal by my ex-employers. Mine will land on their desk on Monday and so we will see what they make of them as they ave missed 4 absolutely key documents out. I imagine once that they see them things will change.

After all of that I'm getting on and catching up with my list of things to do. I've managed to clear out quite a bit of initial paperwork today and need to get on and do some more this afternoon.

I'm feeling OK about the tribunal stuff now as there isn't anything in there that shouldn't be and only a couple of documents that I wouldn't have had a chance to see. There is a surprise one in there - quite why they have such a fixation with my bladder cancer and treatment I don't know. However, I think that it should be interesting to see what they would present to a tribunal. Perhaps that cancer patients don't have employment rights.

Leap Year

I was in London yesterday - we had a good few beers and a curry after a meeting and blow me - I couldn't believe how much money I got through. I certainly cannot drink as much as I used to though I was feeling very slow indeed as I started to refuse drinks

Today I was up early, posted the documents and then went off to sort out a database problem. That took ages. I did divert on the way back and have a couple of beers and some rolls as I missed lunch hanging around waiting for stuff to get done.

It was really whilst I was sitting down and doing my usual - making notes - today that I decided to move on to the next stage in the process and fully assemble a commercial plan for my new venture and to get something moving on that. Tomorrow should see the start of some serious work on the business as I spoke to someone yesterday who really put the current situation into perspective for me. I have been focusing on how unjust things have been but I really should sweep it away and get on with things. Not easy - I need to realise that it isn't personal, that they really are going to fall even harder if they continue to act like they do and also that it isn't that important.

Earthquake - what Earthquake?

I didn't hear it or feel it but I got up at 1 in the morning just after the quake struck but it could only have woken me - I would have had no idea what was going on otherwise.

As with most of the larger natural events - it looks as if I managed to sleep through this one and the Hurricane in 1987. Which reminds me - I've lived in this house now for 20 years in July - goodness - where did the time go?

We don't get extreme events here in the UK but given the BBC's coverage you would have thought half the country had tumbled into the sea or something. A few Chimney pots crashed to the ground and one person was hurt. I'm not sure that it takes up that much space when the deaths by RTAs was probably in the tens of people.

Putting things in order and to bed

I finally wrapped up the documents today for the Tribunal and they are ready to be posted off. That is something out of the way. I have completed the Witness statement and have that ready to go too.

I feel that this bit of the problem can start to be shut down now and that moves are taking place to resolve that.

I now need to move on the other areas and get closure and also to move on with my career and my new venture. I've been side tracked enough these past few weeks with spurious jobs that haven't gotten anywhere. I've sent off my CV and that has gone nowhere and the job for this week didn't materialise either. I think I need to go back to making my own luck from now on.

The next thing is to get back into some sort of work routines which have been sadly missing these past few months unfortunately.

New Look

Someone commented that the blog was Pink - which I did originally from the Breast Cancer colours. However, it is about time we had a change and so a more blue hue has been chosen.

Strength Comparison

I haven't driven that sort of distance since before I was diagnosed. Perhaps the longest I have done was 4 hours divided into two journeys. So it was an interesting comparison on my overall levels of fitness before and after.

Yesterday's and the day before journeys of 6 and about 8 hours were eye opening ones for me as I realised that I can now only realistically drive for about 2 hours at a time before needing to get a break. My legs were almost numb by then. it could be my footwear as I have noticed that they tend to give me a numb foot occasionally so I need to perhaps drive around in different shoes and see if that helps. The amazing thing is that I really needed the breaks where years ago, I would have been able to perhaps do the 6 hour trip with one stop and the 8 hour one with 2 or perhaps 3.

Overall I really felt the drive and even my nice car, which is very comfortable, didn't help me much. Sure it flies along at great speed but didn't help in the comfort department if my leg was going numb on me.

It was a marked difference. What do you expect? I can hear many shouting at me. Well, I really wasn't expecting to be quite so tired and weak as I was. At least I can start to work on that a bit more now.

Feint Light

That something will happen about the Tribunal before going to the full Tribunal itself. I certainly hope so as it would make sense given the paperwork I have.

We will have to wait and see what happens on this. There is only a limited time available to settle and so let's hope that they do something about it.

Back from Uni

Nice campus down at Falmouth - place was full of students (Art and Design types). An excellent place though almost brand new and fully equipped for photography.

A had her interview this morning now we have to wait and see. So far - all the others have given an offer. It is a long way there and back so we stayed at a nice Hotel last night. I would like to have stayed longer but perhaps if she gets a place we can. It took 6 hours down and close to 8 back although I did come along the scenic route.

One up One Down

Heard over the weekend that one friend has Esophagus Cancer and they have shrunk the tumour and will operate in the next few weeks. Also today that one of my co BC sufferers got the clear and is on maintenance.

Well - the first is looking quite good so far - fingers crossed. Dare I say = there is a lot of it about.

Too much hassle

It often feels that to go and chase all the money owed to me is too much hassle but I figure that I should do this even if there is little chance of collecting as some other poor person may also end up being ripped off. It also annoys the hell out of me that someone actually thinks that it is acceptable behaviour to use your time and expertise and do this.

These people mess up your mind but I'm beginning to think, in the overall scheme of things, that they will turn over one too many people and someone who is bigger and less subtle than I am may intervene. I love the way these guys are always playing the innocent as well. After 2 years or more of mismanagement - somehow it ends up as being my problem!

Anyway, a few days out will help this week I hope.

Preparation

It was a good meeting yesterday - so good in fact that I didn't have a chance to post a blog. Someone asked me why I did this blog yesterday. It all started when a friend of mine suggested it; that was way back in October 2006.

Since then it has become almost a daily ritual. It may perhaps surprise most people to know that I don't keep a diary normally.

We are preparing to go away as my eldest has an important interview at a University the other end of the country so we need to drive and stay there. Her photography work continues to surprise and amaze us and the project she had to submit just to get this interview was as much as a single 3 month module on its own.

my documents for University have also come through so I am reading through these.

Hell- we were on form tonight

I went to m friend's daughter's 18th birthday party - we arrived late as both daughters could not interpret the detailed instructions - I am being given a lift home - if I need you to pick me up - I will call.

So I get dropped off at home and no one is here and the phone goes off saying they are outside. Outside where I inquire? They are outside the place I was in 30 minutes previous as the girls had been so busy watching their programme hadn't interpreted the data I gave them correctly.

we got to the party fashionably late and encountered an audience who were up for "my sense of humour" and so I enjoyed myself. The wife looked to the heavens and the daughter's just wanted the floor to open up.

We kept the masses entertained which was what was needed!

Another good evening - I am now going to be working for an hour or two as I have a meeting to attend to in less than 8 hours time! It only happens 3 times a year but tomorrow is one of those times!