I bought some stuff for the staff from Harrods - chocolates, biscuits etc. It was because I wasn't going to be with them and a little thank you for everyone's hard work and friendship.
They arrived this morning which was a bit embarrassing - I had expected them to arrive sometime this week and as I wasn't going to be here....
It certainly was a surprise for them to see me but there you go. We are working out a plan that means I can work at home and come in on the odd day over the next two weeks or so.
I hadn't got a contingency plan for this at all! I should know better being a Project Manager for goodness sake! Mind you, life is a bit too short to plan for everything.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
A little surprise for my work mates
I'll go in to work tomorrow which will be an interesting meeting with everyone. It is the day of the big United Grand Lodge meeting and so the place will be full of visitors. It is also the President's drinks party in the afternoon and so I may as well enjoy a drink with the staff - I wasn't going to be there of course and gave my apologies.
I will keep my ID bracelet on for a laugh. What a crazy thing, I have to now go and negotiate time off and sort out all of the things I was planning to do because I would have been sat at home at my office and spent the time doing it.
I will need to work out quite how I can fit everything in and spend the right amount of time on each. It's just one problem after another :-)
I will keep my ID bracelet on for a laugh. What a crazy thing, I have to now go and negotiate time off and sort out all of the things I was planning to do because I would have been sat at home at my office and spent the time doing it.
I will need to work out quite how I can fit everything in and spend the right amount of time on each. It's just one problem after another :-)
FUBB
So how come I am blogging when I am meant to be in Hospital recovering? No beds. All of us were sent home at 3 pm which was a real bummer. It has completely trashed my week and December for me. They have no idea when I will be asked to go back in, it could be anytime!!
I'm pretty upset as I wont know now for some time whether I'm clear or not, perhaps for some time to come, like January or February.
All the plans I had as well, to spend the down time doing useful stuff is now in deep trouble. I was fully expecting to spend next week doing this 75th History for my Lodge. That is obviously going to have to be reconsidered. On a better note - it does mean that going out on Saturday is going to be back on and perhaps the gig on Friday if there is a spare ticket. There are other things too, like my assignments and catching up on my Open University stuff - I can go to the tutorial on Thursday too now.
So - the Hospital is full of sick people :-) I did feel sorry for the chap opposite me who was to have his tumours cut out but he was reassured that they were low grade and he would be back very soon to have those sorted out.
After all the psyching up and worry and adrenaline expended, it was all for nothing. I walked home and had some soup and a sandwich and I am just settling back down and calming down - if I let it get to me I'd be very upset almost tearful it is just very annoying and just think of the costs of all those theatre staff and all the preparation work that was lost today. In trying to save money you can see how the NHS losses it when something like this happens.
What does Captain Jack Sparrow say at a time like this? "Oh Bugger!" :-) How very British!!
I'm pretty upset as I wont know now for some time whether I'm clear or not, perhaps for some time to come, like January or February.
All the plans I had as well, to spend the down time doing useful stuff is now in deep trouble. I was fully expecting to spend next week doing this 75th History for my Lodge. That is obviously going to have to be reconsidered. On a better note - it does mean that going out on Saturday is going to be back on and perhaps the gig on Friday if there is a spare ticket. There are other things too, like my assignments and catching up on my Open University stuff - I can go to the tutorial on Thursday too now.
So - the Hospital is full of sick people :-) I did feel sorry for the chap opposite me who was to have his tumours cut out but he was reassured that they were low grade and he would be back very soon to have those sorted out.
After all the psyching up and worry and adrenaline expended, it was all for nothing. I walked home and had some soup and a sandwich and I am just settling back down and calming down - if I let it get to me I'd be very upset almost tearful it is just very annoying and just think of the costs of all those theatre staff and all the preparation work that was lost today. In trying to save money you can see how the NHS losses it when something like this happens.
What does Captain Jack Sparrow say at a time like this? "Oh Bugger!" :-) How very British!!
And off we go
Well not we, me. I used to have to go in accompanied but no longer. I don't mind taking myself in and I am OK as I just go into my shell and sit quietly listening to my music. Some people just chat and rattle on and I cannot stand the TV pumping out daytime TV (whoever thought up that needs shooting). So I sit just outside and am quite happy to sit on my own until I am called.
Right - must be off then, adieu.
Right - must be off then, adieu.
Awake
That was a good few hours sleep, broken only by a numpty phoning me for something he already knew about!
So now showered and dressed and have an hour and a half to potter about the place and get myself ready, my bag packed, attend to last minute e-mails and then I can check batteries, run through my check list and take myself off to the Hospital.
I'm feeling calm and in control now, it is often the way. You just have to accept that this is it what it is going to be and make the best of it and whilst the worry precedes it, this time tomorrow it will all be over and in fact in less than 8 hours it will be over so it is just like a day at work - the one that seems to drag forever. Waiting at the Hospital can be a real pain as time just drags away. You are almost relieved when the blue coats come and get wheel you down to the Theatre.
So, apart from a slight stirring of my stomach (not sure that is nerves or the porridge earlier!) I'm sort of OK about it now.
So now showered and dressed and have an hour and a half to potter about the place and get myself ready, my bag packed, attend to last minute e-mails and then I can check batteries, run through my check list and take myself off to the Hospital.
I'm feeling calm and in control now, it is often the way. You just have to accept that this is it what it is going to be and make the best of it and whilst the worry precedes it, this time tomorrow it will all be over and in fact in less than 8 hours it will be over so it is just like a day at work - the one that seems to drag forever. Waiting at the Hospital can be a real pain as time just drags away. You are almost relieved when the blue coats come and get wheel you down to the Theatre.
So, apart from a slight stirring of my stomach (not sure that is nerves or the porridge earlier!) I'm sort of OK about it now.
That's Breakfast Sorted
That was it - a bowl of porridge and a cup of coffee - and my pills. Going back to bed to lie down for a while and let the chaos that is the morning with 2 teenagers and Mrs F all trying to get ready on time unfold outside and around me :-)
Once they are out of the way I can have the house to myself and then get ready. More later.
Once they are out of the way I can have the house to myself and then get ready. More later.
Monday, December 08, 2008
Here we are again
Preparing for the morning, the early breakfast, the walk into the Hospital (I can walk there in about 20 minutes I suppose) and the other stuff. Waiting, preparing, wheeling, coming around, p*ssing razor blades :-)
I suppose I shouldn't have had a little shot of scotch with my coffee but hey, why not? It all helps to settle me down for the night. Tomorrow will be here soon enough and I'll have my music and breathing and self hypnosis to get me through the waiting.
The back of my hand is throbbing already - I wonder if they'll get the damn thing (cannula) out earlier this time? I wonder if they'll keep me in over night and at the end of the day, well, I suppose what will be will be.
It isn't any use worrying about these things but it does play on your mind. You know what is going to happen and you're back on the Roller Coaster my friend. You don't get off until they say you can. There is nothing worse than being out of control when you are a controller yourself!
I suppose I shouldn't have had a little shot of scotch with my coffee but hey, why not? It all helps to settle me down for the night. Tomorrow will be here soon enough and I'll have my music and breathing and self hypnosis to get me through the waiting.
The back of my hand is throbbing already - I wonder if they'll get the damn thing (cannula) out earlier this time? I wonder if they'll keep me in over night and at the end of the day, well, I suppose what will be will be.
It isn't any use worrying about these things but it does play on your mind. You know what is going to happen and you're back on the Roller Coaster my friend. You don't get off until they say you can. There is nothing worse than being out of control when you are a controller yourself!
Home from work early
I was sooo bored - I finished my work early on, got the check list finished and posted all my internal Christmas Cards. I decided enough was enough and the best course of action was to come home so did an hour early and I'm quite pleased I did. Had a chat and SMS message and a nice comment on previous blog entry and I'm sort of going to keep busy here so as to take my mind off tomorrow as much as I possibly can.
I think a number of people were startled that I wasn't going to come back to work before the New Year but hey, maybe if I feel good I will go back if I can face the long walks either end of the station. That really is the test of how it will be. There are some staff parties, not least of which on Wednesday which would have been great to attend but needs must and this is far more important to me than missing a party. There is another couple in a week and a half time. Maybe those ones?
We will see how I get on. It was sad to say goodbye to some of my colleagues - I don't think they knew I was going but I didn't broadcast it. Some people know. At least they'll get their cards soon and I have laid on a nice surprise from Harrods for them a little later in the week as a thank you for being great people to work with. I'd liked to have spent some time celebrating with them but again, that can wait. Who knows I might have some really good news to celebrate and wouldn't that be fun if I did. We could start 2009 off on a positive note. I really hope so.
I think a number of people were startled that I wasn't going to come back to work before the New Year but hey, maybe if I feel good I will go back if I can face the long walks either end of the station. That really is the test of how it will be. There are some staff parties, not least of which on Wednesday which would have been great to attend but needs must and this is far more important to me than missing a party. There is another couple in a week and a half time. Maybe those ones?
We will see how I get on. It was sad to say goodbye to some of my colleagues - I don't think they knew I was going but I didn't broadcast it. Some people know. At least they'll get their cards soon and I have laid on a nice surprise from Harrods for them a little later in the week as a thank you for being great people to work with. I'd liked to have spent some time celebrating with them but again, that can wait. Who knows I might have some really good news to celebrate and wouldn't that be fun if I did. We could start 2009 off on a positive note. I really hope so.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Dreams and schemes and things to do
I haven't mentioned the dreams for a while. They are still around and still as real as ever. It can be a bit difficult to distinguish what on earth is going on with these as they are very realistic and generally quite plausible. The bizarre thing is that I'm placed in a different setting most of the time but with people I know well.
As Tuesday approaches so I grow more anxious, I can feel it growing and it is controllable but I know I will be a bit less my normal self tomorrow. It is a dread feeling and who amongst us looks forward to actually going into Hospital? I can control much of the feelings and the fear and in many ways I can convince myself to go through with it and with the little self hypnosis stuff I have done before it will be OK. Of course there is still the nagging doubt at the back of your mind, a general anaesthetic, even if it is for a short while.
There are still things to do and I hope to have worked out how I am going to do them considering I wont be leaping about much or be driving the car for a week or a bit more. I have to complete sending out my cards and newsletters and to do a few mass e-mailings. This time of year is always so busy and I normally have a bit of time on my side but this year - it is all slipping away :-) I'm sure it will all get done somehow. If it doesn't - well tough I suppose. No one is going to die!
I'll just have to see how I feel after I come out I suppose. Oh well no use worrying too much about it for the moment, just get on and get ready I suppose. More later I'm sure...
Sword of Damocles or something else
This next stage is all a bit strange. If it is clear and you are being checked it is because unlike actually having the cancer cut out you have cured it and it has gone away. They check you with decreasing frequency as long as you are doing alright.
What it means is that this is with you all the time then. You are effectively clear and the cancer hasn't returned and the longer you are clear the less likely it is to recur. So the odds diminish but the thought of having to go through this lot again is a sobering thought.
We were out on Friday and they have, most unusually a Cigar bar - up on the roof of the restaurant, it has heaters, blankets and all sorts and I was really tempted to have a cigar but did very well I thought not to even have a puff. It is a powerful deterrent to remember that there was every possibility that smoking in the past may have contributed to my bladder cancer in the first place.
I am hoping that all is clear as it means turning over a new page, yet again, in this ongoing treatment and recovery process. Perhaps I can turn back to some long term goals and to shake off some of the baggage that goes along with it. Life has been put on to pause for 2 1/2 years so far and things really need to move along a bit. I wonder whether the worry of recurrence can be overcome. I suppose with time it can but I have a feeling that there will always be a nagging voice in the back of my head. At the moment any little ailment is cancer! That is just the way your head works.
What it means is that this is with you all the time then. You are effectively clear and the cancer hasn't returned and the longer you are clear the less likely it is to recur. So the odds diminish but the thought of having to go through this lot again is a sobering thought.
We were out on Friday and they have, most unusually a Cigar bar - up on the roof of the restaurant, it has heaters, blankets and all sorts and I was really tempted to have a cigar but did very well I thought not to even have a puff. It is a powerful deterrent to remember that there was every possibility that smoking in the past may have contributed to my bladder cancer in the first place.
I am hoping that all is clear as it means turning over a new page, yet again, in this ongoing treatment and recovery process. Perhaps I can turn back to some long term goals and to shake off some of the baggage that goes along with it. Life has been put on to pause for 2 1/2 years so far and things really need to move along a bit. I wonder whether the worry of recurrence can be overcome. I suppose with time it can but I have a feeling that there will always be a nagging voice in the back of my head. At the moment any little ailment is cancer! That is just the way your head works.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
MP3 player locked and loaded
I've loaded up my tunes for the Hospital and they are ready to go. I put some of the original ones I had as CDs on here. By that I mean the ones I took in with me the very first time I went into Hospital.
I need to remind myself that things were a lot grimmer then than they are now and to get some balance into my way of looking at this. There are some other new ones on there too. I normally end up playing the whole lot in two sittings before and after the Op and at 1Gb of tunes - about 3 or 400 that takes some doing.
I need to remind myself that things were a lot grimmer then than they are now and to get some balance into my way of looking at this. There are some other new ones on there too. I normally end up playing the whole lot in two sittings before and after the Op and at 1Gb of tunes - about 3 or 400 that takes some doing.
Need a laugh - this cheers me up EVERY time!
NOTE - This contains some "Adult Content" ie swearing so be warned...
Friday, December 05, 2008
Blimey
What a day - fantastic meal - toss pot of a waiter - "we are too busy to do this and so booked we can't do that". Bloody idiot - exactly who is the customer and pays your wages?
Don't start me on that. Had a great day - friend with arm break was there but nasty two place break - yuk. We had a lovely meal which could have been better had the head up arse waiter hadn't been quite so anally retentive. I almost asked him during the quiet periods ahead where he felt the custom might come from. The food was great, the company was brilliant and then I got the train which, half way home announced a body on the line which held us for a while, reversed us back up the track almost back to where we had come from and then after 30 minutes messing around to go the other way reported that said "body" had been removed and we recommenced our journey home wards. The strange thing is that the trains from this particular London terminus always seem to be filled with the loonies and left overs. Tonight was no exception. At least I got home in one piece.
Don't start me on that. Had a great day - friend with arm break was there but nasty two place break - yuk. We had a lovely meal which could have been better had the head up arse waiter hadn't been quite so anally retentive. I almost asked him during the quiet periods ahead where he felt the custom might come from. The food was great, the company was brilliant and then I got the train which, half way home announced a body on the line which held us for a while, reversed us back up the track almost back to where we had come from and then after 30 minutes messing around to go the other way reported that said "body" had been removed and we recommenced our journey home wards. The strange thing is that the trains from this particular London terminus always seem to be filled with the loonies and left overs. Tonight was no exception. At least I got home in one piece.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Tetchy and belligerent
I must be getting a little bit nervous and up tight about next week as I am being a bit bloody minded with people at the moment and then realising a little later that I have been terse or grumpy.
I don't mean to do it but I can definitely feel this sharpness with people and my language was a bit more "colourful" that it has been of late.
I must calm down a bit more. I suppose I can blame it on what is to come but I should be able to control my emotions a bit better.
I don't mean to do it but I can definitely feel this sharpness with people and my language was a bit more "colourful" that it has been of late.
I must calm down a bit more. I suppose I can blame it on what is to come but I should be able to control my emotions a bit better.
Bit of a shock to
Turn up tonight to a meeting and find my friend had fallen over and broken his arm...
So he wasn't there which was a bit difficult as he was going to drive me home :-)
Luckily another kind soul offered to get me home. Somehow I was missed off of the list when he sent out the news and so I was the only person who didn't know.
I am meant to be having Christmas Lunch with him tomorrow and I have no idea if he will make it as he will only have one arm to eat it with!!!
Oh well, I'd better go suited and booted anyway...
So he wasn't there which was a bit difficult as he was going to drive me home :-)
Luckily another kind soul offered to get me home. Somehow I was missed off of the list when he sent out the news and so I was the only person who didn't know.
I am meant to be having Christmas Lunch with him tomorrow and I have no idea if he will make it as he will only have one arm to eat it with!!!
Oh well, I'd better go suited and booted anyway...
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Still doesn't make that much sense
So a night sleeping on it and it still didn't make it any clearer!
It is funny how these things come up in conversation though and how you get a good lecturing from someone and take it in, analyse it and throw away the parts that aren't relevant. Everyone's an expert on my situation apparently.
I got a phone call saying that my friend wasn't going to the Jazz night tonight which is good - it is bitterly cold and a walk back to the station tonight might have sapped my enthusiasm. At least I'll get one night off this week!
The days are getting eaten up fast. i spent today doing corporate Christmas Cards and labelling up envelopes (yippee). 2 1/2 days left to go work wise.
Spoke to my friend who had his Prostate bored out - he did a silly yesterday and has ended up lying down again. That's the trouble - you can't see the scars and you feel fine but just try and do anything like lift something or stretch and your back to square one.
It is funny how these things come up in conversation though and how you get a good lecturing from someone and take it in, analyse it and throw away the parts that aren't relevant. Everyone's an expert on my situation apparently.
I got a phone call saying that my friend wasn't going to the Jazz night tonight which is good - it is bitterly cold and a walk back to the station tonight might have sapped my enthusiasm. At least I'll get one night off this week!
The days are getting eaten up fast. i spent today doing corporate Christmas Cards and labelling up envelopes (yippee). 2 1/2 days left to go work wise.
Spoke to my friend who had his Prostate bored out - he did a silly yesterday and has ended up lying down again. That's the trouble - you can't see the scars and you feel fine but just try and do anything like lift something or stretch and your back to square one.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Excess
I notice that my tendency to go from quiet contemplation to excess is a trait I had not expected as an outcome of the treatment. From this I mean being a hermit one minute to being the "life and soul of the party" the next. As an INTJ that is a pretty normal state of affairs in some circumstances and to "self destruct" at work is a common problem I have had to deal with over my whole career. Generally, I self destruct somewhat in advance of the destruction that arrives some time afterwards.
Tonight I was reminded that I should only be "self destructing" at work and not at home. I think I understood what that "warning" actually meant although I am not entirely convinced I know what to do to stop that level of destruction happening. I talked of collateral damage some time ago now and it occurs to me that the conversation I had this evening alerted my friend to mention that there had been a parting of ways, minds and wills and that I ought to do something about it.
I curse being an INTJ for one reason, and for one reason only. That is that I don't see this sort thing coming at all. If there is no logic to things then, like good old Mr. Spock, I don't get it!
Apparently I need to be working harder at keeping the family unit cohesive. As if I haven't got enough on my plate :-)
Reminds me of the time I went to the bar to order some drinks. There were a good ten or more drinks on the bar and the barmaid asked if I wanted a tray. As usual, being me I said "Don't you think I have enough to carry without a tray?"
Sometimes, i don;t get it. After all, I am the one who has been ill and to also find that I should also be the one to be holding it all together at the same time is a bit strange :-)
You do a hell of a lot when you have cancer and some of it is actually telling people who are worried about you how they should behave.
Oh well - I will sleep on this bit of advice and see if it makes any more sense in the morning. Frankly, it makes bugger all sense at the moment.
Tonight I was reminded that I should only be "self destructing" at work and not at home. I think I understood what that "warning" actually meant although I am not entirely convinced I know what to do to stop that level of destruction happening. I talked of collateral damage some time ago now and it occurs to me that the conversation I had this evening alerted my friend to mention that there had been a parting of ways, minds and wills and that I ought to do something about it.
I curse being an INTJ for one reason, and for one reason only. That is that I don't see this sort thing coming at all. If there is no logic to things then, like good old Mr. Spock, I don't get it!
Apparently I need to be working harder at keeping the family unit cohesive. As if I haven't got enough on my plate :-)
Reminds me of the time I went to the bar to order some drinks. There were a good ten or more drinks on the bar and the barmaid asked if I wanted a tray. As usual, being me I said "Don't you think I have enough to carry without a tray?"
Sometimes, i don;t get it. After all, I am the one who has been ill and to also find that I should also be the one to be holding it all together at the same time is a bit strange :-)
You do a hell of a lot when you have cancer and some of it is actually telling people who are worried about you how they should behave.
Oh well - I will sleep on this bit of advice and see if it makes any more sense in the morning. Frankly, it makes bugger all sense at the moment.
Doctors - A Funny Breed
The nurse is always great and we now know each other and she is very good to me. I had all my tests ECG, MRSA, did all the liquid tests and had my blood taken. The sample was OK and that was good news. They do a check on your urine then and there but not the other one which goes of for micro analysis. I am told this one is part of the BC screening they are now able to do and it is, I imagine, a trial.
Anyway, I don't like having my blood taken and she was very good and it was all over and done with pretty fast so that was OK.
I have no idea why the Doctor should worry me but they approach you and check you out as if you have the plague. I kind of forget that they have to ask a lot of questions but it is amazing to me that they ask the same questions every time. Surely if they looked back at the last set of answers (only 6 months ago) they would find the answers and just need to ask if anything has changed.
I've been given loads of stuff for the next time I come in - I did say that I sincerely hoped that if they found nothing I wouldn't need to be in again.
Anyway, I have calmed down a bit now. This time next week I'll actually be in and possibly being "done".
That's one hurdle behind me one more next week and then lets see how it goes.
Anyway, I don't like having my blood taken and she was very good and it was all over and done with pretty fast so that was OK.
I have no idea why the Doctor should worry me but they approach you and check you out as if you have the plague. I kind of forget that they have to ask a lot of questions but it is amazing to me that they ask the same questions every time. Surely if they looked back at the last set of answers (only 6 months ago) they would find the answers and just need to ask if anything has changed.
I've been given loads of stuff for the next time I come in - I did say that I sincerely hoped that if they found nothing I wouldn't need to be in again.
Anyway, I have calmed down a bit now. This time next week I'll actually be in and possibly being "done".
That's one hurdle behind me one more next week and then lets see how it goes.
Up and about early
By now I'd normally though be having a coffee, swallowing my pills and generally getting ready to go to work.
As it is I am just about to go downstairs and have a coffee now, plus plenty of fluid so I can pee before I go and when I get there.
I don't look forward to this but at least it is a 9 am appointment and so I won't be hanging around. I can't believe that my arm and back of my hand ache - what is all that about? It really is the most bizarre thing. It is as if the body is getting ready for the needles.
I'm not feeling as anxious as I normally do which is good, I don't feel that bad at all. BP is 126 over 87 which is OK I suppose considering it will tend to be higher on a day like today.
Let's see how things transpire.
As it is I am just about to go downstairs and have a coffee now, plus plenty of fluid so I can pee before I go and when I get there.
I don't look forward to this but at least it is a 9 am appointment and so I won't be hanging around. I can't believe that my arm and back of my hand ache - what is all that about? It really is the most bizarre thing. It is as if the body is getting ready for the needles.
I'm not feeling as anxious as I normally do which is good, I don't feel that bad at all. BP is 126 over 87 which is OK I suppose considering it will tend to be higher on a day like today.
Let's see how things transpire.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)