This time tomorrow

I actually hope to be asleep and getting ready for Monday's Op. I have managed to do a pile of work today but need to consolidate that somehow and to catch up on my Foundation course work. I am actually 2 weeks behind which is a worry. Mind you - quite how I could have studied Plato last week and Poetry this is beyond me - my head just wasn't in it.

I also need to work out quite how I go about doing my two assignments. All of this can wait as there is always bags of time over Christmas and the New Year when I am at a loss as to what to do and so I need to make sure I do it then. it can all be done sitting down and I have a Laptop so it isn't as if I will hurt myself???

I have to remember that next week - don't lift or do anything too strenuous. We just realised that I cannot walk over to me in-laws on Christmas Day - it is just too far and there are a couple of up hill stretches that would for sure mean I'd start bleeding. The number of times I've done stuff and regretted it afterwards!! I just need to remember that they do dig much deeper with these biopsies and I have to be careful for a good three or four weeks.

You know, the main thing is to hear the words all clear in the New Year. It wouldn't quite be re-birth but it could be damn close I reckon.

Soon be over and done with

I have plenty to do over the next day and a bit of what's left today. I have to get my head back into going into Hospital mode again. Christmas can start on Tuesday I think. It will be strange going to our "traditional" Christmas party on Christmas Eve. Our host has been in Hospital and just out having been diagnosed with Diabetes and now has to inject herself - she and I share the same "love" of needles. I imagine the food will be curtailed but the girls will no doubt muck in as she and I lay there recuperating and relating Hospital stories to each other.

A will not be there but I hope all the other children (well two are 18, one is 16 and one is 15). We have been having this party for 17 years I think. It is nice - Church and then down the road to have a great evening. All three families used to go on holiday together and we went to Portugal a number of times and France and were able to hire large Farm Houses and Villas. All that is now changing with 2 of the oldest having been away at University, two at College and one left at School. It is like a switch - once we are there and the food and drink start to flow we know that Christmas has started.

While we were out last night meeting A's boyfriend's parents - a very nice meeting I have to say - L decorated the House, put up the Christmas Tress etc and so it looks Festive now. We don't tend to do this until a few days after C's birthday which was on Tuesday.

I've started pulling out my Christmas CDs and I'll see if I can cheer myself up a bit :-) Not that I'm down, just that yukky feeling prior to going into Hospital the sort of dread feeling - difficult to explain but as if you were about to go into a difficult meeting where you were going to get roasted by everyone. Anyway, sure I'll find plenty to distract me as I go on during the day.

Last Day

My little baby is off skiing in the morning and I wont see her over the Christmas period. Mixed emotions about that. I'm really pleased she is off doing things herself and doing something I have never done (well only for minutes have I ever skied in Finland years ago). I think that is commendable and I am sure she is going to have a great time. That leaves Mrs F and L to be with over Christmas. It will be a massive change - after all we have had 18 years together as a family at Christmas.

So tinged with a little sadness I'll see her off tonight and also with some satisfaction that she is getting and gaining her independence. It is hard to let go but you must.

Not a great lover of Chili

I think I woke up every hour to have a sip of water last night. I don't like chillies a lot well at least not like they were presented in the food last night. My throat certainly knows it has had some and quite how people eat really hot ones is beyond me. I like spicy but not chili hot food.

I didn't have a lot to drink either, a few beers at the pub and one with the meal and that was it, so I cannot blame that for waking every hour.

This morning all is OK with the world, the sun is out and I'm at my desk working before 9. It's the day of the Office party but I'm not tempted to go, lovely though everyone is at work.

I'm catching up on e-mails from friends and find mixed news from them. One has had a Brain tumour and is undergoing treatment, another is recovering from a nasty disease that threatened to stop him working. It didn't but the recession has done that and he gets made redundant today. Judging by the news coming in, quite a few think their jobs are at risk. A couple are getting odd contract jobs here and there. It depends where you look as I still get a steady stream of offers for Program Management work and yet certain retail and manufacturing work is at a standstill. Goodness knows what the banking sector is like but my colleague last night reckoned that it was currently a bit of a "blood bath" and hard work to make a living working in. He may have to lay off some of his people having already gone to short time working and instigated other cuts. He wasn't happy about that but has to face the reality of the situation.

Anyway, the rest of the day beckons and I need to get on top of this history research.

Useful Videos

There are a couple of useful videos on YouTube about Cystoscopy

Here is the male version



Here is the famale version

Time to go out again

I am about 1/3 of the way through the research for this history I am writing and that has taken the best part of the afternoon and now I need to go and get myself fed and ready to go out and meet a friend of mine and take him for a beer to his local. I am kind of looking forward to a chat with him. He is a lovely guy and we just need to make sure we don't drink too much - we are prone to doing that occasionally :-0

Finally I get down to working

It has been a long time coming but I finally started to get organised and managed to clean the office up and not get distracted by other things.

I sent an apology e-mail out last night to many friends as I have been so disorganised this year that I haven't sent out cards, newsletters or any sort of correspondence. At least I got an e-mail out to most!

I am writing a History of the Lodge - luckily only the last 25 years of our 75 year history and it is a bit like watching paint dry at the moment as I am trawling through the minute books and taking information from there to use in the document. There is a lot of going forwards and backwards in time to cross reference things and it is time consuming and rather dry work. I hope to be able to keep interest levels up or I'll never finish it.

Discretion

I keep getting invited to the Office Party on Friday but I am reluctant to go as I have a meeting with A's Boyfriend's parents in the evening and the very last thing I want to do is turn up after a few beers to that. It would make for a good script in a sitcom though!

I'd love to go to the Office Party, it would be a real hoot and I know that a number of people want me to be there (I can be quite amusing and almost charming at parties). The trouble is that I know I wouldn't just want one beer and if I have an audience, then the actor - well stand up comic - comes out and we would have a good laugh and joke.

I think discretion is definitely the right thing to do. I must be on my "best" behaviour at least to start with on Friday as I have never met these people before and I am not the easiest person to deal with especially if you don't get my sense of humour or my attitude to life. With a light lubrication of beer I can imagine that it would be a very one-sided conversation. They are all off skiing in the morning as well so I imagine it wont be a boozy affair.

Technology

I've been in the High Technology sector most of my life and computers still are a pain. I have three of my own in my Office and each is a specific machine. This one is a large powerful desktop, large monitor 19" and keyboard and mouse. I have a tablet PC which is very light, portable, touch screen that folds over and it has hand writing recognition - it is very nice. Also I have a semi laptop with a 17" screen which is more a desktop replacement but has everything I need if working away from home.

This morning, with an urgent MS Update required, two of my machines were playing silly buggers as they were updating themselves (I'm sure I turned off that feature a few weeks ago) and hence I lost a number of configuration settings. The other PC just refuses to work properly this morning and whether it has been updated or just given up the ghost I now have to find out. It is typical that this particular machine is the one I need today as I was working up a few documents on it last night.

I cannot believe that in this day and age we cannot do better. I'm lucky, I can generally fix stuff like this but Joe Public must wonder what on earth is going on.

Hopefully after I have this fixed I can get on and tackle the pressing parts of my growing to do list.

What's important

Yep, it is important that I get this done and it is good that my friends are rallying around and will cover for me. I get worried about letting people down but that's just my nature. the quicker I get sorted out then the quicker I can get back to a "normal" life whatever that may be.

Whilst next week isn't going to be easy it really is the best way forward, I know it is and whilst I feel a little uncomfortable about it, it isn't the end of the world if some of my tasks don't get done.

I just need to convince myself - if I repeat it often enough perhaps I will :-)

That kind of day

I wasn't meant to be working.  there is nothing for me to do but today, I got a small stream of minutiae that just beggars belief.  Surely it would be as easy for someone to pick up the phone and do some of this themselves? 

I have wasted and frittered away almost the whole day on little stupid bits of work that are total distractions to what I am doing.

In addition two massively long phone calls and suddenly I find that it is towards the end of the day and hardly any of MY stuff has got done.  I've saved lives everywhere else and sorted out stuff that you'd hardly need to think about and most people obviously didn't.

Now it looks as if Thursday and Friday night are also accounted for and suddenly the pressure is on to make a real impact into the growing pile of things to do before Monday.  The most annoying thing about this is I used to be the most organised and structured person and these days all of that has disappeared and things just pile up.  I just don't seem to be able to concentrate on the job in hand but I am also working with people that all I do is fire fight for them all the time.

22nd December or 5th January

Good old e-mail.  Just got one in offering me the procedure next Monday or in early January.  Typically none are convenient but the 22nd is the only one I can go for as I have a very important meeting of my Lodge on the 10th January and I do a lot of work in that and I need to be fit.

The trouble is that I screw up most of my colleagues and they will have to take the brunt of the enforced absence during our practice sessions.

Needs must and suddenly my attitude has changed and so has how I feel.  My stomach is churning just writing this.  I just want it out of the way now but how strange that I feel this different from reading one e-mail and making a decision to go in on the 22nd.  It is a sick feeling way down and far away in my stomach and at the back of my throat.  It must be the suddenness of it all I really do feel most strange.

Disappointed

It has been just over a week and by now I should have been suitably recovered to go out and start to enjoy myself but not really drive or do anything too strenuous as they do cut deep with these biopsies - deeper than when they actually did the TURBT so they say.

In a way I'm pleased that I am off work but also disappointed as it would "all be over" by now apart from the results of course.  I temper that with the fact that the system looks to be in some difficulty at the moment with a vomiting bug sweeping the country and the Hospitals and many people ill with winter ailments and a number who have been injured with falling over in the ice etc.  They, of course, need those services rather than me.

We are coming to terms to what Christmas is going to be like without A who is off to France skiing.  I think she is also beginning to realise that it is her first Christmas away from us.  It will be a bit strange but there you go, inevitable really.

Today it looks as if I may actually get some work done and so I ought to sign off the blog and go and do it!

As a by-the-by it was interesting that Steve's and my blog both now rate highly on a Google search for "bladder cancer blog" we are on the top two pages - that's impressive.

So Mrs F came back from work

And we went out for lunch.  My next door neighbour who has had (and is now clear) of Lung Cancer - they cut one of his lungs out! turned up and so we had a drink for that.

So nothing got done this afternoon at all.  So much for thinking I had finished going out and drinking/eating etc.   

Was interesting talking to my next door neighbour and his brush with the Big C.  Gee, they just whipped out a lung and he got the all clear yesterday!   Less than a year but as he said - a lucky year in that way and it is amazing how we think like that isn't it.  He then went on to tell me that it was next to nothing compared to what I had gone through???   That kind of shocked me.  I still don't think I have gone through that much or that is the approach I am taking.  I suppose that to anyone who hasn't had it, it looks pretty bad.  Maybe I'd better not dwell on that, I've asked myself that question a number of times.

I'll ask it again though - I wonder if it is a lot worse than I have experienced it to be?

Too Much Time on your hands?

Someone obviously has:

Hardly worth the effort

I got up early and got under everyone's feet and got ignored so escaped to my room only to find the Internet wasn't working and then had to wait a few hours for that to come back on.

Not exactly the start of the day I had envisaged. Struggling now to get the enthusiasm to get up and start the mountain of work I have set myself to do. I just can't be arsed to do it! I am tired from last night and it is one of those really grey December days outside too. I know if I don't make a start on this lot soon - I'll just compress everything into a few days and I really don't want to do that. I need a plan. I think I'll just go and have a coffee :-)

Some-days I get like this - I am abjectly p*ssed off at the moment. I can't tell you why as I have only been like this the past few years but it is as if all my enthusiasm has been drained off and I just don't want to do anything and yet realise that I perhaps should. It is going to be one of those days :-)  Must be stuff that goes with the condition.  

I've been here before - before :-)

Drat - it is gone midnight - I went to bed at 10:30 as I was feeling tired - well obviously not as I am wide awake and sat here!!!

It is a bit deja vu - almost a cycle of things going OK then out of control and then OK again. I hope it is a one off though as I need to be with it these next few days to catch up on my work. Two of my all time non favourites Plato and Poetry :-( Yuk! At least they don't ask any questions on Plato - unfortunately the Poetry one they do have an assignment - not looking forward to that. How on earth did I think I would have done those if I had my biopsies last week?

So - back to wide awake and sleep patterns disturbed. I need to be up early - it is C's birthday tomorrow so we ought to give her some cards and presents before she heads off to work. Maybe I can break the cycle a bit by doing that.

No problems from my knee today thank goodness. It seems to be when I really step out on a walk I get it. Perhaps I just need to get back to exercising gently - and I want to do that once I get my results which obviously isn't going to be this year now. I haven't heard from the Hospital and tomorrow is the last operating day of the year I believe.

Roll on tomorrow - I need to get organised and planned and I am now clear of all these parties and meals so should have less distractions to deal with as a result.

Ward Size

Not certain if the same everywhere but my Hospital (which is fairly new) has mini wards of 4 beds either side of a central corridor with a central nurse station there are perhaps 4 lots of 4 and a couple of smaller single rooms. The ward join one to the other in a square formation around a central core so you get three wards at 90 degrees to each other.

In preparation you are now put into a ward adjacent to the Theatre suite. After that you will go to your allotted ward. There is a specialist Urology ward although with the biopsies you can end up anywhere. I have been in one of the single wards once.

TV - there is a pay TV system which they push you to buy cards - frankly, I take my MP3 player in and they can stick their TV as it is pretty extortionate - some further way of catching up with funding deficits no doubt and supplied by a third party. Mine gets turned to the wall on its bracket and after every time the technician comes around to move it I turn it back again. I believe the radio is free but only certain main stations. Rip Off.

Not sure of the nurses to patient ratio but there always seems to be enough and they work really hard. The only issue I had with the Hospital is how hot it is. The first time I was there we had to bring in our own fans to cool us down. They made the Theatre block air conditioned but not the wards! Another foot shooting moment by the looks of it as the bill for electric fans must have outweighed that for a central A/C unit!

Some Additional Data

Steve has done a great job over here explaining the three different approaches to Health Care for Bladder Cancer in Canada, the US and over here in the UK.

It raises an interesting question about the cost of healthcare in the UK. We can go Private if we have insurance or can afford it but generally the National Heath Service (NHS) is how most of us get treated. The NHS are funded centrally from the Government through our contributions. Everyone in work who earns over a certain threshold, pays into the National Insurance (NI) pot. Employers pay about 10% and I think we do too on a sliding scale.

After WW2 the scheme was set up and it should pay for all healthcare needs and provide a state basic minimum pension. The latter is in serious doubt now but the former is still funded by workers and their employers, each paying a contribution.

To go into the details would be another blog on its own but there are all sorts of budget problems and some local trusts have overspent their budgets and wards close. Hence when I stated that there were no beds last week, it is very probable that they were cost cutting and shot themselves in the foot as they may have saved a few thousand on having less beds but to turn us away and waste the time and cost of all the Theatre staff, lighting, heating, equipment and so on was just another false economy.

I firmly believe I owe my life and the continuing use of my Bladder and use of my Prostate to the speed and efficiency that surrounded my diagnosis and treatment. So the people who practice their medicine and the health care professionals and support staff are fine - it appears the management can't actually do the jobs that they are paid quite well to do. It is a shame really but the levels of care are good.

The Treatment of BC is different between the continents. I am following the latest European Guidelines of best practise and Steve and HK must be following the NA version of the same. Up until recently, on being clear I would have followed the cycle of BCG and Rigid Cystoscopy as of now and then have been on 8 to 12 years maintenance (I think I may even have said this a year or two back in here looking to how long I'd be treated for). Now, it appears that the results they are getting suggest that the 3 batches of 6 I have had are sufficient (I've actually had 24 in total).

Three down one to go

It was nice to be driven to the family lunch and returned home by my daughter. It meant we could have a few glasses of beer/wine and enjoy ourselves.

My colleague from work was there looking very well which was good to see. We had a nice day out and returned having won 4 raffle prizes and actually returned winning tickets on 2 further occasions - our luck was surely in today.

So everyone of us came away with a prize and I was very pleased to get a Silver Pendant of a Square, Compasses and Cornucopia with our Lodge name engraved on it. I was then told it is the only one in existence. The silversmith was there and so I thanked him and he very kindly then gave me a silver Stewards pin as well.

I've had a good day and only one more serious lunch to go tomorrow and I hope that is all the partying until around Christmas itself.

Nice to meet a lot of people asking about my health again. Always nice to know that they are thinking about you.