Confidence

I was out tonight accepting a cheque on behalf of the charity and talking about the charity too.

I am pleasantly surprised that I can get up and do an after dinner speech at the drop of a hat these days. I already had some words prepared for a talk after dinner but I am really warming to thinking on my feet. the odd little joke thrown in too.

I actually think that whilst I was pretty good a raconteur before, I really am a lot better these days and I don't really get phased by the occasion. I think I have been around long enough that (in fact) people are a little scared of me even though I don't want them to be. I think surviving also gives you a sort of "so what" look at the world but also, it helps when I speak about the charity because I can tell you what it is like to have some of the problems people face first hand.

Anyway, I am home - a bit tired now after 2 nights on the trot out. One more tomorrow and then I can have Friday off - well not off as such - more like I will work at home.

My GP

Doesn't realise that my tablets come in two different amounts. One is packaged in 56s the other in 60s. It shakes itself out every now and then but they reckon we are too early to renew as we have two weeks supply left of them. When explained they changed their tune to we shouldn't have asked so early, then that they needed 4 days. When we pointed out last time we left it for four days they wanted tests and it took close to four weeks to get those arranged.

Me? I'm happy to miss them out and then write to the Doc and ask him if it is OK to miss the medication like this? Perhaps they do it for some other reason. Maybe to P*ss me off.

I have to say the office saw a bit of the "Mr. Angry" today when I got the revisions of my work back to find that they had corrected almost back to the original and had also gone back on the design concept agreed. Old habits dies hard and these people need to keep fiddling around with stuff - there isn't a pragmatic one amongst them. So I grudgingly put it all back the way it was.

It is a little better than last years which went to about revision 18. I am only at revision 8. The longer they do this the nearer the deadline gets and I have 250,000 of these to be printed and sent out!!!

I am now very conscious of how close everything is getting and the complete lack of time I have to fit things in. If I have to go to Hospital before I go on Holiday then I will need to try and arrange things for a few weeks time. However, I haven't seen anything as of yet. Do I call or mail?

Anyway, I am off out to meet my school chums tonight and so hope that I will think about what the best course is over a nice beer (that's the warm British stuff!!) :-)

That's the diet blown but that is OK - I have started to loose a little weight. it is gradual and I'm just eating less of everything and making sure that I have a good balance of everything. Minimum 5 a day fruit and veg and I've cut right back on Coffee and sugars etc. I'm still tired but I should be used to that by now. I'm taking Friday off as I know I will have had enough this week!

It was nice today

To come home and not have to go out on a Monday night. From September to May I go out every Monday night and I am pretty pleased, I have to say, that I'm home tonight.

The last 4 days have been busy - they always are in May as the season closes down and the Masonic summer recess begins. It is crazy at work and in Lodges around the country. We get inundated with things to do.

I'm beginning to get myself ready for my own date with destiny and my next operation as that is due in June - and should be in a couple of weeks time. I don't want to ring them but maybe I ought to because I don't want it anywhere near my holiday as I need to be fit for that.

Sometimes you think you are hard done by

Tonight I listened to a story that really upset me. It isn't that the story is one that you haven't heard before but it is one where drugs and alcohol have played their part and now, when this guy needs some stability and has managed to stabilise the frenetic spiral of drug and alcohol abuse. The thing that stabilised him may be removed.

What surprised me is how "uncharitable" people are in this particular circumstance. Please, please, someone befriend this guy and help him through the difficult times but the charity is going to have to pull the plug and his old friends have deserted him. As I alluded to yesterday - I now have the problem that I can't give huge tracts of time - I don't know him, it would take me 2 hours travelling each way to go and see him and yet those near and local are showing prejudice against him. Instead of helping, they are contributing to his downfall and continued decline. That is so anti everything I stand for.


Unfortunately I don't have the time to help and that is what really annoys me. His "friends" have abandoned him just when he needs them to be strong for him.

I hope that none of my friends ever needs that level of support. On the other hand, if they ever did, I hope that I would be the person who would stand by them and try and turn their downward passage.

Thoughts on my future

I enjoy my life at the moment apart from the concerns about the job becoming too easy again. It gets like that as I near the end of the Masonic season, things like the annual review and diary (for which I am responsible) are almost completed. The new flyer is almost done. I have some projects to get working and yet they aren't going to take all my effort.

I get on fine with everyone, I help everyone out as I have years of experience with all sorts of office automation and I get things done. It is a job like most people do I suppose. Turn up do your 9 to 5 and get paid. That is not what I do and never have just made up the numbers. I need to have the buzz and stress to get me going and delivering my best. This doesn't have that. If I said that it needs another 2 weeks to do something, then I'll get another 2 weeks - no negotiation or anything. Deadlines are always achieved. A panic somewhere in the office is - invariably - no such thing and I can sort it out for someone.

I don't know, I should be happy that I have a job in the current climate. I should be happy that they think highly of me but surely there must be something else to get my attention. Maybe, just maybe, the job has got me through the bit where I needed stability and now that BC is taking a back seat I find that I am hankering for the lively days.

Philanthropy

I feel a blog in my water (bladder cancer joke alert!!).

No really - I do feel that I've become in act and deed, a charitable person. However, there are some serious problems associated with that attitude:

1. Money (salary) is 80% less than I used to get
2. I can't help everyone (a problem I haven't been able to address yet)
3. Use my expertise but I find the job a bit less than riveting stuff now I have sorted things out.

I like to try and return things to society. After all I am here on borrowed time. I really could do with sitting down and talking with a few friends about this though.

Something in my mind is stopping me getting too involved. I don't fancy getting hurt in as much as doing something for the beneficiary to fail whatever I do is hard work. Also, I have my own life to lead. My own "problems" to solve etc. If I go off looking after others what are my family going to think / do?

Another problem for another day - too difficult to answer right now!

Puny and Powerless

I had a lovely day today. My Annual review is great - it looks fab and is the Dogs Testicles :-) I went to my Lodge meeting - the funny one with the bright coloured pinnies. We had a lovely evening but, I had a call.

That call was about a lapsed brother who had really fallen on terribly hard times and something needed to be done. Financially, I can arrange something but emotionally and committing my time? Hesitation. You see, I do so much with my time that I wondered how could I commit more than I already have? I work most days. I tend to be "sort of" working when I go to Masonic meetings and when I am out. To actually support someone is an even bigger commitment on my time and this person has really deep alcohol and other mental problems.

I'm actually not that well equipped for that. I think I can talk to anyone about anything but an alcoholic is difficult as I'd feel so betrayed if they didn't commit themselves. I know I couldn't walk away and just get more involved.

At the end of the day, I have family and household to look after and then it really struck me.

What a puny little insignificant person I am. I have enough trouble keeping my own head together and keeping my family fed to then use spare time on what many people would dismiss as a lost cause or a waste of time. I don't see it like that but, in reality, it probably is.

It is difficult to explain really. I should be generous and charitable but I could only afford time for the one person. In my job I support 1700 + beneficiaries and about 30 staff so the one person shouldn't be so bad but it would take time and I haven't got that.

I now realise that I can't Shape the World or do much else. If I assisted this one case - which I intend to try and do- it may backfire on me. If it got to a point of choosing - which way would I jump? Should I be charitable to all or am I allowed a private life? Do I deserve it and am I helping or not.

Let's get away from how these people end up the way they do. Do I lose what I have to tackle poverty and uncertainty,, only to find that everything else I hold or held dear may disappear through trying to do good deeds?

Best News I've Heard

for ages was that Steve has the 1 year clear. What a relief for him and his family and friends. I felt more relieved than when I had mine...

This is excellent news and should add weight to the fact that it may be a pretty nasty thing but it can be treated most successfully. There are a number of us who can say that now. Keep the faith and do the right things, trust your medical team, look after yourself and above all keep a positive attitude.

I was so pleased when I got in to see Steve's e-mail arrive in my inbox and it just means that he can now go off and celebrate and perhaps relax a little having the summer off.

That was nice news to come home to late at night here.

Well done Steve.

Steve' Big Day

Steve over in the USA is going to have his cystoscopy later today and that - together with some scans taken last Friday will determine what the next course of action is.

Almost a year to the day - this is one of those major milestones in the treatment of this particular disease which if passed means that treatment continues in a maintenance mode and recurrence of the cancer starts to recede. I'm 2 years in and about to go for my 2 year check. Again, if I am clear then recurrence becomes less likely (but doesn't go away entirely).

The odds just get better each time you go for these. So if you pray (or even if you don't - keep in your thoughts) do so for Steve and a favourable outcome. His blog is a really useful piece of work for anyone suffering from bladder cancer and I cannot recommend it to you highly enough HERE.

SO nothing more about me today - I'll be raising a glass to Steve later this afternoon hopefully around the time he will be being seen (in more ways than one by his Consultant). Wishing Steve all the best and a weekend off celebrating and relaxing.

What a day again

I was full on today until about 4 pm and then - I'd completed what I needed to do and that was it. I'm not out tonight with my mates as that is deferred for a week and so I am sat at home trying to catch up on various things. I could have done with going out for a beer and whinging about the never ending tweaking that people like to do to my documents. "It will never get better if you keep picking it" comes to mind sometimes..

My DJ and Tuxedo have arrived - I suppose I ought to go and try those on and make sure they fit.

I suddenly realised I have next to no time at all until I am meant to be in Hospital and I've not heard anything. Maybe I ought to warn them that I wont be around if they want to do it in July!

So where has all the deep and meaningful stuff gone

Where has all the insight and the what's it like to have cancer stuff gone from this blog?

I suppose that I don't think about it as much and gradually I am used to spending longer periods of time not thinking about what might or might not happen. I can't say I have control back as I don't and I feel pretty tired still but all of this is manageable. I'm fit although I'd like to be fitter. I am alive, I am existing and today I thought, for the first time for a long time, a little bit sorry for myself. Just a little. You see Steve is about to have his check and apart from urinating fire for 24 hours afterwards, he also had to have a CT scan with an IV Iodine trace. I have never had to have one but I thought about it as I had an IVU X-Ray (similar) and really really really hated every minute of it. It isn't the same thing but I can't even begin to tell you how bad I felt and I was almost close to tears. I was walking to work, headphones on and all on my own and shook myself out of it. The backs of my hand where the cannula tends to go started aching and it all came back to me. Perhaps because of the news I heard over the weekend too about this guy that I know.

Generally, I don't get this and I was fine for the rest of the day. These little flashbacks do tend to bring back to me how much I went through and there is a fear of having to go back and do it all again. Imagine, if you will, that my fear is actually finding out that I need to repeat everything I have been through before. Right now, I'd find that hard. indeed, very hard to cope with. I'd do it of course but to know what I'd have to go through, rather than not knowing makes it different. I must say I am not looking forward to June and the next Operation. I will however, make it known how badly I felt I was looked after in December and ask that I be put on the proper ward this time rather than God's Waiting Room...

I was feeling the other day that it might be difficult for people to get their head around why I am like I am and yet it takes just a few moments to make me quite serious too. Someone noted that i hadn't been providing the Joke du Jour for many days. I need to re-establish the liveliness of the office again.. Tomorrow I shall attempt to do that.

Work

Sometimes you wonder why they employ you and other days - you find out when the project I have been working on for some time started to take shape today and we start to move away from stuffy annual reviews to something much lighter and attractive. Mind you, old habits die hard and it looks as if they still want to write war and peace even though only the hardened few actually read it.

Lots of sneezing everywhere today - Hay Fever not Swine Flu I hasten to add. I'm just about to have my last evening of Lodge of Instruction until September which gives me Mondays free for a while but this week is still chaotic.

Steve goes in for his test later this week and prayers and thought must be with him this week as he comes up to 1 year. I'm certain that things will be alright but I wouldn't blame him for being very nervous - I was pretty bad.

Back to earth

Bump. It happens I suppose? The chap I spoke to last year about September time who told me he was on Chemo for Prostate Cancer and couldn't help when I needed some assistance for a meeting.

I found out on Wednesday that he was due for an operation to take our a Kidney and a Tumour in his Stomach. I found out today that they stopped short on both as the Tumour was too near to a main artery and then they also decided not to take out the Kidney either. He may now have to go on Radio as he has had max. Chemo.

I hope that things will be positive but I have a horrible horrible feeling about this and the way it was expressed. He comes home on Tuesday and so I suppose I will find out more then.

On a more positive note, I find that I am really looking forward to our holiday. I have been sorting out my new DJ and Tuxedo, shirts and stuff as well as our tour of St. Petersburg. It has taken an age to get a specification together and to get what we want to do priced up and then to compare all the possible variants. I suppose that the next thing to "manage" is getting the biopsies done in June and hopefully get a verdict to go onto poke and peeks rather than these full blown operations and general anaesthetics.

Did I say tired?

I went to bed on Friday night, I had already had a snooze on the train, a snooze in my chair and then spent close to 12 hours in bed. I feel fine now but noticeable that I really don't feel up to doing too much today.

It was a busy old week and not going to the Spring Fayre and to the annual Church Service tomorrow are conscious decisions as I don't stop now until Tomorrow week with something or other on every day.

A bit miffed that one of my mob at work has decided to do a full review of my work after I have spent 6 weeks perfecting it and changed everything despite my request to look for obvious typos not content changes. Why can't people leave things alone, I may as well not be employed there if they want to write this stuff themselves. Perhaps I just send it out to them to provide the content and I just collate it - I think that may be a plan and I ask them to write it and I just manage them doing it.

Other than that I need to sit down and do loads of work today and tomorrow to catch up with all the things I missed out recently.

One other thing I need to consider is to actually put by some time for one of my other business interests. I really need to allocate a day a week to do work on it. I think that everyone in the team needs to do this so we can get a move on and make things happen. If we don't the impetus will be lost and the idea disappear back from whence it came. A recession is the right time to bring things like we have to market.

Lots going on. Lots to think about and in between times, it must be getting near to the point when I need to go into Hospital as well. I suppose I need to manage that considering I am going on Holiday in July and I need to be pretty fit by then as I see it being a real physical time walking around the various Baltic capitals and in one case having 6 days on the trot viewing major sites before a 1 day at Sea rest period.

Tiredness goes with the territory

I was out to lunch today and had a good morning and I decided to get home rather than go back to work. So I was home a little earlier than usual. The thing that I notice is that I really do feel tired and whilst I am quite fit, I do find that the full on work I am doing at the moment coupled with the meetings and having to sort out other admin stuff really does make me tired.

I can never quite get it right because right now, after having had about 30 minutes snooze, I am wide awake. Typical.

I have decided to miss out the weekend's activities as if I don't I will never catch up with the work I have piled up.

New Phone

Is a mystery to me and I will have to work out what went wrong between the SIM card transfer. It is as complicated as hell and I thought that, downgrading to a phone that had numbers on it instead of a keyboard and stylus would be easy!

Yea right.

Had a great evening at a Lodge meeting. lovely people but my friend's father just died and much as I wanted him to be able to talk to me, he just couldn't and I feel bad about it. He is a very private person. I've known him for years and still don't actually know his wife's first name!!! But he was hurting and I couldn't do anything to help it at all and I feel very bad about it but if he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me or asking me to do anything then so be it. I did offer and I don't want to impose myself on him. I wouldn't have liked it.

We "Brits" are a funny bunch. We don't do hugs and kisses and back slapping (well youngsters now do) and we really don't do physical contact at all and we aren't particularly good at talking emotions and feelings. I feel a bit liberated as I can talk these sorts of things to close friends at least.

So, I felt kind of useless and that I couldn't help or just listen to this poor guy's grief. Expected or not, it is still your Dad/Father and whilst we all "have to go" it isn't nice and I just felt as impotent as the sort of people who couldn't talk to me about my Cancer. Mind you, I did go and ask and offered whatever I could do. Just words - maybe - but I meant it.

My very close friend gave me a lift home. He is great, he is a Samaritan. If you don't know what they are or what they do then go and look at their web site HERE. He listens to people who haven't got anyone to listen to them and has some major heartbreaking conversations with people who are the lowest ebbs of poverty and distress and generally contemplating suicide or who just don't know what to do next. You can bet there are cancer patients in there and those who are terminal etc.

He and I have known each other for 36 years (or thereabouts) and we are a little remoter now than we have been but are still very good friends and we care about each other a lot. If I go past my school mates, this is my longest and closest friend and we have so much fun and serious time behind us having worked and played together for years. Since the children have grown up a bit we have sort of grown apart a while. I kind of hope that it is transient and we will grow back together a bit more soon.

We see a lot of each other and for 6 months of the year are hardly out of sight for more than a week.

Anyway, I'm just in Awe of this guy as he takes the sort of emotional battering I have been through in the past few years every night and also has a day job. He also works at Christmas with the underprivileged and he can go where I can't. I can't cope with the sorts of suffering these people see as Cancer has just softened me up and worked me over. I tend to go to pieces really easily when I see how desperately bad things can get and I am glad that, there but by the grace of God, I haven't been or will ever be.

So - starting with a new phone and a lovely day out I end up with a tribute to my very good friend K. He is beyond doubt the epitome of all that is good about our society. I still don't give him a hug though :-) Society is lucky to have people like him who draw no salary and give freely of their time to undertake such a service. Kudos.

A long and tiring day

Had a good morning at work, did a lot of bitty work and then on to meet some colleagues. Then on to Provincial Grand Lodge and ran around working like a mad thing for about 4 hours. met up again for beers and a very nice and unusual curry at Masala Zone in Covent Garden.

A quick few shorts in the Lamb and Flag and home. I am tired but not completely wiped out. My shoulder is a lot better. My new mobile phone has arrived all stainless steel and glistening and that is on charge for a good few hours before I sort that out.

I am out again tomorrow evening and all hell is breaking loose at work as we enter the last 24 hours of a 5 year Festival event and none of the figures add up properly!! Doh! I reckon it is just a keying error. I need to spend time looking through hundreds of lines of figures to find it though. Deep Joy!

Glad to see that things progress well for many of my connections and this month is important in many ways.

Still have loads of things to review about getting to St. Petersburg and touring around there. I feel that my brain may just go into full melt down by the end of the week.

Here we go again

Last year, about this time I was about to go in to Hospital for my biopsies which messed up a lot of meetings and things I was doing.

This year, thank goodness, it wont happen this month but goodness me, I will have so much to do and this week is already fully booked. I could be booked out on Saturday and Sunday but, I think I may give those a miss as I have so much other work of my own to do on top of the Charity Work and my Masonic things. In addition we had our business meeting last Thursday and now need to really step up to the plate to get our business plans sorted out.

So a massive amount of work and things to do in the next two weeks and I just hope that I can stay fit enough to maintain the effort. Time will tell.

Generally I feel that the next couple of months are going to be quite important one way or another in terms of what the future brings. My upcoming operation for biopsies will be the first time when no treatment has been performed and so the outcome will be interesting scientifically but obviously holds far reaching implications. I think that I also need to spend at least one day a week on my other business opportunity (perhaps 2).

So one way or another, I'm in for one well of a few weeks.

Planning for our holiday

we spent a long day at home in front of my PC hooked up to the wide screen TV and with another Laptop plugged in doing research for our Baltic Cruise. I have to say I am pretty excited about it. It is pretty daunting too considering that at one point we do 6 days in 5 cities one after the other.

We then went to a friends for a barbecue, the first of the season and whilst it is a pleasant enough weekend with plenty of sun it cannot be called warm in the evenings.

I've still got this shoulder strain giving me grief but other than that and over eating last night, all is well and looking forward to a day off tomorrow for May Day bank holiday. From Tuesday onwards, life gets crazy for a few weeks as I get into a whole round of Masonic visits and events.

Steve is on his countdown for his 1 year check up and no matter how you feel and how well everything goes, you still have apprehension and so thoughts are with him for the next few weeks whilst I am out enjoying myself.

Bank Holiday Weekend and then the 2 weeks from hell

It all kicks off on Tuesday with our annual meeting and I'll be on duty from about 12 or so.  That will finsih about 6 and we will head off and go and grab a drink or two.  Then for about two weeks I am out and about most days.

I'm feeling OK but very tired and I knw that I've had a pretty tiring week of it.  At least three days off to recover.  the trouble is there are lots of things to do and little spare time to do it.

I find myself sitting again downstairs on my own again wondering where everyone has gone.  It would be useful for people to let me know what they are doing so I don't sit thee wondering where they are!  No doubt that would be deemed unreasonable by everyone else except me.  perhaps I ought to adopt that method of communication and just go off and do things and not let anyone know where I am going.  I'm sure that it won't go down well at all.

Not too many problems with my shoulder thank goodness.  It is still twinging but I reckon that it should soon be back to normal.

I saw someone today actually wearing a face mask in the street as they were walking around.  I guess they were worried that the 2 or 3 people who happen to have Swine Flu actually might be in the vicinity of Covent Garden.  So far about 0.000000005 % of the population have it.  More people die on the roads each day.  Someone somewhere needs to get a grip on the press and the media to stop this knee jerk reaction to everything that happens.  Surely, by now, we'd be having hundreds of deaths all over the world and people going down with it everywhere too?  Nah, take precautions by all means but pages and pages of nothing in the papers and hours worth of TV and a child dies every 30 seconds from malaria.  

Maybe it is just me that thinks like this.