So where has all the deep and meaningful stuff gone

Where has all the insight and the what's it like to have cancer stuff gone from this blog?

I suppose that I don't think about it as much and gradually I am used to spending longer periods of time not thinking about what might or might not happen. I can't say I have control back as I don't and I feel pretty tired still but all of this is manageable. I'm fit although I'd like to be fitter. I am alive, I am existing and today I thought, for the first time for a long time, a little bit sorry for myself. Just a little. You see Steve is about to have his check and apart from urinating fire for 24 hours afterwards, he also had to have a CT scan with an IV Iodine trace. I have never had to have one but I thought about it as I had an IVU X-Ray (similar) and really really really hated every minute of it. It isn't the same thing but I can't even begin to tell you how bad I felt and I was almost close to tears. I was walking to work, headphones on and all on my own and shook myself out of it. The backs of my hand where the cannula tends to go started aching and it all came back to me. Perhaps because of the news I heard over the weekend too about this guy that I know.

Generally, I don't get this and I was fine for the rest of the day. These little flashbacks do tend to bring back to me how much I went through and there is a fear of having to go back and do it all again. Imagine, if you will, that my fear is actually finding out that I need to repeat everything I have been through before. Right now, I'd find that hard. indeed, very hard to cope with. I'd do it of course but to know what I'd have to go through, rather than not knowing makes it different. I must say I am not looking forward to June and the next Operation. I will however, make it known how badly I felt I was looked after in December and ask that I be put on the proper ward this time rather than God's Waiting Room...

I was feeling the other day that it might be difficult for people to get their head around why I am like I am and yet it takes just a few moments to make me quite serious too. Someone noted that i hadn't been providing the Joke du Jour for many days. I need to re-establish the liveliness of the office again.. Tomorrow I shall attempt to do that.