The early up for the Japanese Grand Prix meant a 5:45 start but it was an interesting race but I have to say I wasn't feeling great and Mrs F. and I both have that stinging at the back of the nose and throat that preempts a cold. We think perhaps sitting around in a Hospital waiting room for close to an hour didn't particularly help. So I'll keep an eye on it as it hasn't gotten any worse this morning so far.
I am still pretty neutral over yesterday's result which surprises me still, I thought maybe I'd lighten up overnight or realise how good it is or something like that but - obviously not :-)
I've all day to get myself excited I suppose! Actually I have a load of things to do like stuffing envelopes and sticking stamps on - whoopee! At least I wont have to do it for too long as good old (some say) Flocky Bicep will be take over from me this time next year and have a go at this - it will be a reward for some of his more risque comments :-)
So back to how do I feel and what do I want to do? I really just don't know - I'm just not reacting to it at all neither positive nor negative and somehow that in itself is OK and yet I am surprised by how calm I am. Oh well, I have all day to think about it.
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Officially - I'm a Low Reactor
There was no huge smile, no whooping, no celebrations of any kind today. It may sound strange if you haven't had Cancer to think that you would react in a low key way to what is, after all, pretty good news.
Clear of Cancer. I remember the first time I heard that being very emotional and quite shaky but that was tempered with the need for BCG follow up and maintenance.
In a way if I'd heard the word Remission or something similar then that may have caused a bit more of a celebration. To have to go through an operation once again next year is a bit of a blow but I'd rather do that and be sure than to have the half chance that something worse may have happened.
But don't get me wrong about what a major step this is, it is just that I'm not having a party to celebrate or any such thing. The threat of BC coming back is still very real and so a muted response is called for at the moment.
I was interested to hear from my friend last night though that he thought that this year I have started to look well, the strain is off of my face and the colour has returned. Many people have said I looked drawn and some said I look positively ill and grey when I got this and the few months afterwards.
I thought it was a surprising reaction of mine today I was all ready to party and do some deep thinking after this particular result. I think today I am feeling relief and maybe tomorrow I will be feeling a little more upbeat about things.
Clear of Cancer. I remember the first time I heard that being very emotional and quite shaky but that was tempered with the need for BCG follow up and maintenance.
In a way if I'd heard the word Remission or something similar then that may have caused a bit more of a celebration. To have to go through an operation once again next year is a bit of a blow but I'd rather do that and be sure than to have the half chance that something worse may have happened.
But don't get me wrong about what a major step this is, it is just that I'm not having a party to celebrate or any such thing. The threat of BC coming back is still very real and so a muted response is called for at the moment.
I was interested to hear from my friend last night though that he thought that this year I have started to look well, the strain is off of my face and the colour has returned. Many people have said I looked drawn and some said I look positively ill and grey when I got this and the few months afterwards.
I thought it was a surprising reaction of mine today I was all ready to party and do some deep thinking after this particular result. I think today I am feeling relief and maybe tomorrow I will be feeling a little more upbeat about things.
Saturday, October 03, 2009
All Clear
Well it wasn't quite how I dreamt it but it was all clear nonetheless. It was strange because Mrs. F. Wanted to come along for the walk and normally I go on my own. It was suitably blowy and autumnal and there was a 45 minute wait to be seen as my Consultant had been double booked and was apologetic about that.
So all was clear and she remarked that it had been for some time. She wanted a 6 month appointment and toyed with the idea of a 6 month flexi or perhaps even a year but she felt that we should do 6 months, have full biopsies her "Gold Standard" and so a further rigid cystoscopy. They aren't fun but if that is what it has to be, that is what it has to be. Fed up with these? Sure but then it goes with the territory so I have to accept it.
We walked home and I had one beer as Mrs F was with me! I feel tired at the moment, I'm sure I have been in a high state of anxious anticipation and am falling asleep here typing this. I think I will wander downstairs and fall asleep there :-)
So all was clear and she remarked that it had been for some time. She wanted a 6 month appointment and toyed with the idea of a 6 month flexi or perhaps even a year but she felt that we should do 6 months, have full biopsies her "Gold Standard" and so a further rigid cystoscopy. They aren't fun but if that is what it has to be, that is what it has to be. Fed up with these? Sure but then it goes with the territory so I have to accept it.
We walked home and I had one beer as Mrs F was with me! I feel tired at the moment, I'm sure I have been in a high state of anxious anticipation and am falling asleep here typing this. I think I will wander downstairs and fall asleep there :-)
Friday, October 02, 2009
Let he who is without cast the first stone etc
It must be me or the new me but why is every one these days straight in with both feet? I just read a post on a web forum (a Masonic one) where an innocuous post about a subject many would find interesting was tirade on by some self styled "politically correct cybersleuth". Frankly the guy should get back to the bathroom and work on his wrist technique!
You can't say anything without some smart arse coming up with some old twaddle about you shouldn't say this or do that. Heaven alone knows what makes these misinformed, misguided half wits mine, or anyone else, judges.
If I learnt just one thing in the recent past it was that life's short enough as it is without all this holier than thou cyber bullying. What I do enjoy is facing these do gooders down face-to-face as they wear a very thin veneer of respectability and are generally extremely sad and worthless people. I suppose somewhere there is a place that they fit into society but I find it extremely difficult to know exactly where that is. Even slime is life.
What brought that about? Just the constant attitude that anything exists to be pulled down and humiliated - it is a pretty sad fact of life that TV promulgates this behaviour and that people who should know better decide to copy it and think it is right.
You can't say anything without some smart arse coming up with some old twaddle about you shouldn't say this or do that. Heaven alone knows what makes these misinformed, misguided half wits mine, or anyone else, judges.
If I learnt just one thing in the recent past it was that life's short enough as it is without all this holier than thou cyber bullying. What I do enjoy is facing these do gooders down face-to-face as they wear a very thin veneer of respectability and are generally extremely sad and worthless people. I suppose somewhere there is a place that they fit into society but I find it extremely difficult to know exactly where that is. Even slime is life.
What brought that about? Just the constant attitude that anything exists to be pulled down and humiliated - it is a pretty sad fact of life that TV promulgates this behaviour and that people who should know better decide to copy it and think it is right.
Well I won the loudest shirt contest
It was Jeans for Genes day today at work, pay a couple of pounds to dress down. It was a bit of a shock to most - I have a hawaiian shirt that can actually melt your eyes so fierce are the bright blues, oranges and yellows. It beggars belief and there were double takes a plenty. I bet with my colleague that I would have the loudest shirt and he turned up in a normal Tee shirt!
Anyway, it was so bad that I daren't take my jacket off on the train in either direction :-)
The fun of it all. Anyway, charity benefited even if my colleagues eyes didn't.
I'm feeling quite good especially as my mate NC is coming over to pick me up and we are going to have a beer and a curry tonight. That's rather unexpected but nonetheless welcome. So I am looking forward to going out in the near future and tomorrow, of course, going to see my specialist to see what the outcome of the last lot of biopsies were. Fingers crossed!
I hope to be imbibing of a few more beers on the way home if the news is good.
Anyway, it was so bad that I daren't take my jacket off on the train in either direction :-)
The fun of it all. Anyway, charity benefited even if my colleagues eyes didn't.
I'm feeling quite good especially as my mate NC is coming over to pick me up and we are going to have a beer and a curry tonight. That's rather unexpected but nonetheless welcome. So I am looking forward to going out in the near future and tomorrow, of course, going to see my specialist to see what the outcome of the last lot of biopsies were. Fingers crossed!
I hope to be imbibing of a few more beers on the way home if the news is good.
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Mellow
What a great afternoon and evening I have just had. Lots of people think Freemasons are nasty people and have some sort of weird thing going on. Well tonight I sat next to my host, a few people I have met before and some new people and one of them was a reasonably high up guy in the overall scheme of things but actually I didn't know that straight away at all. The Master was one of my Charity Trustees and he was not only a very nice man but also a very interesting raconteur too.
The common denominator is that we are all similar people - not clones or identical fits - but we all have common moral beliefs and so it is ever so easy even for someone as introverted as I am - to get on and chat to someone as you can talk about anything and nothing and the "rules" and the "borders" of what we can and cannot discuss are part of the understanding we have. That is what is great. Later on I found out that this guy is really high up in the F1 community and he knows a lot of the top people and it was great to ask questions and hear about how F1 started and some of the people this guy knew.
I feel really charged and revitalised now because my friend invited me and because we had such a gas. It was a little cramped at the festive Board (banquet) but there were good reasons (post strike) and so everyone mucked in and got on with it. In fact it just made the evening go with a real swing.
The common denominator is that we are all similar people - not clones or identical fits - but we all have common moral beliefs and so it is ever so easy even for someone as introverted as I am - to get on and chat to someone as you can talk about anything and nothing and the "rules" and the "borders" of what we can and cannot discuss are part of the understanding we have. That is what is great. Later on I found out that this guy is really high up in the F1 community and he knows a lot of the top people and it was great to ask questions and hear about how F1 started and some of the people this guy knew.
I feel really charged and revitalised now because my friend invited me and because we had such a gas. It was a little cramped at the festive Board (banquet) but there were good reasons (post strike) and so everyone mucked in and got on with it. In fact it just made the evening go with a real swing.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
People can be real arses sometimes
It is difficult to know where to begin sometimes but some people are really stupid and lack common sense or indeed any logic or balance to their arguments. I read with some incredulity today a complaint made against our charity ranting on at us about not providing support when it was blatantly obvious that they had cheated the system and we had found out.
It is more unfortunate that I am not allowed to bring my baseball bat out of retirement and do my Charles Bronson bit in explaining to these people not only the error of their ways but the utter waste of time they cause us and the diversion of our good services into some amoeba brained, sub educated, mindless, self centred moron. Believe me, my list of adjectives and scorn have yet to be let loose like the torrent from a broken dam. What an arsehole. Mind you, we do get them and disturbingly regularly. If we could just round all these oxygen wasters up and throw them in the sea we could build a new continent and perhaps save the planet through them being stifled and not allowed to spout hot air. These people should get the hell out of our way and let us actually concentrate on those who need our assistance.
So - you can probably tell I was in a pretty foul mood today as my colleagues are all dedicated professionals for whom this is all in a days work. To me it is an utter afront and an attack on those who are there to help people in the darkest hours.
I was so tired today though and even though I had a long sleep I still awoke tired and had a sleep on the train in and out of work. I hope for a reasonable night's sleep tonight. Tomorrow I will be off to the Guildhall in the afternoon and I am looking forward to a really interesting meeting and to a nice meal and the odd glass of Champagne and Wine followed by a nice Port and some splendid cheese.
A got her Uni timetable today and was up for Fresher's week activities. It looks to be a different time and day each week and so will be challenging for her time management but I really hope she will enjoy the whole experience.
L is happy at 6th form and knows what she wants to do and knows what she has to achieve to get to the Universities of her choice. She wants to teach - an interesting profession, one that I would have enjoyed I think but after 10 or 15 years in industry. Good for her and there is a marked difference in her since she returned from Argentina. It wasn't a huge difference people told me there would be at the time because she is pretty bubbly and the funniest bundle of laughs. No, she has matured that little bit more and under all the usual is a determined and well thought through plan to get where she wants to go. She has got her job (well both have got jobs now) and she is doing well in that and the transition to 6th form discipline, no school uniform and subjects she actually wants to be doing has seen a big change in her in the past month.
Saturday is the BIG day and I am hopeful of a further clear outcome and for some good news on a change in the way things will go from here on in.
It is more unfortunate that I am not allowed to bring my baseball bat out of retirement and do my Charles Bronson bit in explaining to these people not only the error of their ways but the utter waste of time they cause us and the diversion of our good services into some amoeba brained, sub educated, mindless, self centred moron. Believe me, my list of adjectives and scorn have yet to be let loose like the torrent from a broken dam. What an arsehole. Mind you, we do get them and disturbingly regularly. If we could just round all these oxygen wasters up and throw them in the sea we could build a new continent and perhaps save the planet through them being stifled and not allowed to spout hot air. These people should get the hell out of our way and let us actually concentrate on those who need our assistance.
So - you can probably tell I was in a pretty foul mood today as my colleagues are all dedicated professionals for whom this is all in a days work. To me it is an utter afront and an attack on those who are there to help people in the darkest hours.
I was so tired today though and even though I had a long sleep I still awoke tired and had a sleep on the train in and out of work. I hope for a reasonable night's sleep tonight. Tomorrow I will be off to the Guildhall in the afternoon and I am looking forward to a really interesting meeting and to a nice meal and the odd glass of Champagne and Wine followed by a nice Port and some splendid cheese.
A got her Uni timetable today and was up for Fresher's week activities. It looks to be a different time and day each week and so will be challenging for her time management but I really hope she will enjoy the whole experience.
L is happy at 6th form and knows what she wants to do and knows what she has to achieve to get to the Universities of her choice. She wants to teach - an interesting profession, one that I would have enjoyed I think but after 10 or 15 years in industry. Good for her and there is a marked difference in her since she returned from Argentina. It wasn't a huge difference people told me there would be at the time because she is pretty bubbly and the funniest bundle of laughs. No, she has matured that little bit more and under all the usual is a determined and well thought through plan to get where she wants to go. She has got her job (well both have got jobs now) and she is doing well in that and the transition to 6th form discipline, no school uniform and subjects she actually wants to be doing has seen a big change in her in the past month.
Saturday is the BIG day and I am hopeful of a further clear outcome and for some good news on a change in the way things will go from here on in.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Couple of days to go
To find out what my future holds. It is kind of obvious but then again, I didn't get the right answer last time and so I suppose I ought to be prepared for not getting the right answer this time :-)
I'm still tired but I think I broke the back of the work that I was doing today and may well have done enough to ensure that I don't need to be "full on" for the next couple of days.
I'm still tired but I think I broke the back of the work that I was doing today and may well have done enough to ensure that I don't need to be "full on" for the next couple of days.
Monday, September 28, 2009
A hard day again
I suppose that as I am effectively still doing two people's work that it would be hard. I was furiously whacking out stuff today but at least my Welsh and English document was signed off and ready to go to print today.
We now have this big do on the 15th October that I am preparing for and getting scripts and facts ready for all the participants. The weekend really did me some good though and I felt up for the challenge. Tonight we started our Monday night learning session - LOI or Lodge of Instruction starts now and goes to the 2nd Monday in May so I am pretty much booked out every Monday until then.
This Thursday I have again been invited to a rather splendid Lodge meeting in the Crypt of the Guildhall in the City of London. Last year it was a fantastic evening. I particularly like the champagne being poured as you come out of the Lodge and the wonderful feast of a meal we have there in the Crypt. One of my friends from the weekend away will be there for his first visit and I can only begin to imagine how much he will enjoy it. The Master happens to be one of the members of the Charity's Council so at least I will have something to say to him.
I'm feeling OK but I am not sure if I can keep this level of effort up for the next two or three weeks. It is going to be full on.
Saturday's appointment is looming and I am hopeful of a positive outcome. I have announced that I will be carrying some cash with me so that I can visit the pub(s) on the way home. Here's hoping that I DO spend some money then.
We now have this big do on the 15th October that I am preparing for and getting scripts and facts ready for all the participants. The weekend really did me some good though and I felt up for the challenge. Tonight we started our Monday night learning session - LOI or Lodge of Instruction starts now and goes to the 2nd Monday in May so I am pretty much booked out every Monday until then.
This Thursday I have again been invited to a rather splendid Lodge meeting in the Crypt of the Guildhall in the City of London. Last year it was a fantastic evening. I particularly like the champagne being poured as you come out of the Lodge and the wonderful feast of a meal we have there in the Crypt. One of my friends from the weekend away will be there for his first visit and I can only begin to imagine how much he will enjoy it. The Master happens to be one of the members of the Charity's Council so at least I will have something to say to him.
I'm feeling OK but I am not sure if I can keep this level of effort up for the next two or three weeks. It is going to be full on.
Saturday's appointment is looming and I am hopeful of a positive outcome. I have announced that I will be carrying some cash with me so that I can visit the pub(s) on the way home. Here's hoping that I DO spend some money then.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Fatigue
I am a little concerned that I am once again feeling tired although I can't say that it is like last week where I was expecting something - didn't get it and then almost out of the blue was laid low. I'm feeling a little run down tonight, slight cough, faintest sore throat and stinging at the back of my nose and what feels to be a cold coming on. I hope that it isn't anything like that though as I really don't need that.
6 days until I find out the results from my tests and I really hope that I will be able to celebrate continued good news.
It was great to get away for the weekend with the lads though. I hope that they enjoyed it as much as I did.
6 days until I find out the results from my tests and I really hope that I will be able to celebrate continued good news.
It was great to get away for the weekend with the lads though. I hope that they enjoyed it as much as I did.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Tired - I should be
Wales was a three and a half hour journey each way. It was a shame that the candidate just didn't feel well enough to come and so finding that out early in the journey I relaxed and enjoyed an interesting day in the car and at the old folk's home in Porthcawl in Wales.
It was very hot in the room we used and so we were all fighting to stay awake. The meal afterwards was really good and they had a brilliant cheese board especially one that had mustard seeds in it. I was home by about 11:30 and so have had a reasonable few hours sleep. I am off in 15 minutes to pick up my passengers and head off to Margate for the Annual Provincial Meeting. No work for me this year - the first time in 10 years and so I can just enjoy the meeting and have fun. Afterwards we will head back to the Hotel, check in and get changed and go off on the town :-) Not quite On The Town (New York, New York) style though!
It was very hot in the room we used and so we were all fighting to stay awake. The meal afterwards was really good and they had a brilliant cheese board especially one that had mustard seeds in it. I was home by about 11:30 and so have had a reasonable few hours sleep. I am off in 15 minutes to pick up my passengers and head off to Margate for the Annual Provincial Meeting. No work for me this year - the first time in 10 years and so I can just enjoy the meeting and have fun. Afterwards we will head back to the Hotel, check in and get changed and go off on the town :-) Not quite On The Town (New York, New York) style though!
Friday, September 25, 2009
Fun Weekend Starts in a few hours
My daughter comes and picks me up and one of my friends and runs us up to a Pub in the country to pick up our lift to Wales. We are going to South Wales to one of the Masonic old people's homes. There we will have a meeting and a meal. I am doing a lot of floor work with a chap today who is taking his next step in Freemasonry at the tender age of 94. He isn't wheelchair bound but there is a fair deal of walking involved so he will be in a wheelchair for the ceremony.
We then travel back tonight and I guess get home gone midnight. I then have to get up and pick up the driver of today at 8 in the morning and take him and one other to Margate for a large Provincial meeting there. We are booked in at a Hotel overnight so that we can go out and taste the unusual nightlife of the area. KL and I have been a number of times and have had some of the funniest times.
Poor old Steve in the US had his BCG yesterday and got one of the rogue ones that get you every now and then with all the side effects. Getting hit by a Truck is definately what it feels like. This is the last of the series and in December he will have another poke and peek session to see how things have progressed. If clear, that signals NO BCG which I can assure you is a great relief to hear, even if you have to hear it by letter which I did! There's isn't a lot you can do other than lie down and drink plenty of water and let it take its course.
Another hour and a quarter and we will get going from here. Not sure if I fancy the journey but with three of us in the car it should go quickly enough.
We then travel back tonight and I guess get home gone midnight. I then have to get up and pick up the driver of today at 8 in the morning and take him and one other to Margate for a large Provincial meeting there. We are booked in at a Hotel overnight so that we can go out and taste the unusual nightlife of the area. KL and I have been a number of times and have had some of the funniest times.
Poor old Steve in the US had his BCG yesterday and got one of the rogue ones that get you every now and then with all the side effects. Getting hit by a Truck is definately what it feels like. This is the last of the series and in December he will have another poke and peek session to see how things have progressed. If clear, that signals NO BCG which I can assure you is a great relief to hear, even if you have to hear it by letter which I did! There's isn't a lot you can do other than lie down and drink plenty of water and let it take its course.
Another hour and a quarter and we will get going from here. Not sure if I fancy the journey but with three of us in the car it should go quickly enough.
That's different
A bit better today, a few hot flushes and even broke into a bit of a sweat that alarmed the work colleagues enough to tell me to sit down much to my amazement and amusement but apparently I did look like poo and they did look worried bless them.
Oh well, not too much to do in the next few days - Wales later today and back - a 5 or 6 hour round trip I guess and I'm driving to Margate on Saturday which will be fun. I am looking forward to that - it is always a good laugh. I can't believe that it is two years since I was last there though! But then it must be as last year we we were the banner Lodge and did all the hard work! Good grief time does flash by.
My laptop was not fixable but the hard drive has arrived in a new shiny case meaning that I can extract the files from it which I will have to do tomorrow and when I get back from the weekend. I hope to be able to pull off some of the finance files which were backed up but not in a way I can easily work out how to decrypt them!
Oh well, not too much to do in the next few days - Wales later today and back - a 5 or 6 hour round trip I guess and I'm driving to Margate on Saturday which will be fun. I am looking forward to that - it is always a good laugh. I can't believe that it is two years since I was last there though! But then it must be as last year we we were the banner Lodge and did all the hard work! Good grief time does flash by.
My laptop was not fixable but the hard drive has arrived in a new shiny case meaning that I can extract the files from it which I will have to do tomorrow and when I get back from the weekend. I hope to be able to pull off some of the finance files which were backed up but not in a way I can easily work out how to decrypt them!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
That was a tough day
Hot flushes, croaky throat, lethargic and tired to name but a few of the things that I went through today. I definately wasn't my usual self although my sense of humour did return later in the afternoon.
It is Council day tomorrow and I hope that I will get a little time with some of my committee to run through stuff. I have worked myself to a standstill today trying to get as much catch up done as I can. It is a crazy place to work at when they are still making changes right up to the last minute. They'd have been surprised if they had ever worked for me as all this would have been done months ago.
It is Steve's last BCG treatment for a while tomorrow and our best wishes for a low misery scale event.
I am off to Wales on Friday for a Lodge meeting where I am an officer who does some floor work for one of the ceremonies. You may recollect that we initiated a 94 year old at the last meeting. I will have the privilege of taking him around the Lodge (in his wheelchair) to do his 2nd Degree. It is a long old trek over there and back in a day and we probably wont get back until quite late, perhaps even the early hours of Saturday morning.
I pick up my colleagues at 8am on Saturday to go to Margate where we have a Provincial Meeting at the Winter Gardens. We are staying overnight on Saturday so that we can have a lads night out. Flocky, KL, GW and myself. KL and I have done this before and had just the greatest ball of laughs imaginable. As long as you take it for what it is then you should find that you have a good time.
I've been tipped the wink on a few more restaurants that may be OK. I am looking forward to an fun night out!
It is Council day tomorrow and I hope that I will get a little time with some of my committee to run through stuff. I have worked myself to a standstill today trying to get as much catch up done as I can. It is a crazy place to work at when they are still making changes right up to the last minute. They'd have been surprised if they had ever worked for me as all this would have been done months ago.
It is Steve's last BCG treatment for a while tomorrow and our best wishes for a low misery scale event.
I am off to Wales on Friday for a Lodge meeting where I am an officer who does some floor work for one of the ceremonies. You may recollect that we initiated a 94 year old at the last meeting. I will have the privilege of taking him around the Lodge (in his wheelchair) to do his 2nd Degree. It is a long old trek over there and back in a day and we probably wont get back until quite late, perhaps even the early hours of Saturday morning.
I pick up my colleagues at 8am on Saturday to go to Margate where we have a Provincial Meeting at the Winter Gardens. We are staying overnight on Saturday so that we can have a lads night out. Flocky, KL, GW and myself. KL and I have done this before and had just the greatest ball of laughs imaginable. As long as you take it for what it is then you should find that you have a good time.
I've been tipped the wink on a few more restaurants that may be OK. I am looking forward to an fun night out!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Losing your rudder
I often sit down and wonder "what if" and today, being stuck at home with a brain that is working but a body that isn't I began to consider what on earth I am doing at the moment.
When I got bladder cancer I was pretty much at the top of my game in terms of taking what I had learnt from the industries I had worked in and then gone on to channel that into a pretty unique way of managing (not unique in terms of ways people manage but in terms of a suite of software that actually worked the way companies worked). I had years of experience, I could win work because people tend to buy people and I was setting out future plans and directions for a business that should have seen me retire having built it up to its rightful position. Unfortunately I got Bladder Cancer and then got made redundant.
I went and did something else then, totally out of character but it seemed a good idea at the time. Once I peeled away the thin layer of varnish I knew differently and then I set up the family history business which is still sitting in the back ground here and I've been working on my other start up venture in the background as well as working at the charity.
I'm as competent in my present job as I will ever need to be and having never been an operative doing the same thing year in year out, I am beginning to tire of that quite quickly. As these guys aren't dynamic, a lot of what I have as my core competencies will never be allowed to see the light of day but if they do, and a couple have, they will be someone else's idea.
I blogged about wanting or perhaps needing to get out of the Jet Stream life I was in before I had Cancer and I needed to as it would have been difficult to maintain my work rate given the issues I have had both those I knew I might have and those I actually had.
At the moment I just seem to be in the middle of nowhere. I'm not the industry leading, powerful, energy ball that I was and what I do now I know I will find will not interest me for much longer. I find 9 to 5 and commuting on the same train and same seat and seeing the same people is grinding away at me. I still enjoy the job but I can do so much better than this.
The crazy thing is, I don't know what I want and I've got a good 13 years to give to some industry or other. I don't fit into many organisations because I'm not trained to do that, I go in and fix tings, set them up properly and then walk away and into the next trouble spot. Damn, I miss that cut and thrust and then again, I think to myself that perhaps I just ought to take the pay and take things easy.
There isn't an answer to this at the moment, it is a quandary that I've had to live with since I got BC. There probably isn't a right answer. I know other people have an opinion but this job doesn't hold the responsibility or the opportunity to do much in the way of improving the organisation or myself for that matter.
Let's see what news I get on the 3rd October as that will probably help me to build some ideas.
When I got bladder cancer I was pretty much at the top of my game in terms of taking what I had learnt from the industries I had worked in and then gone on to channel that into a pretty unique way of managing (not unique in terms of ways people manage but in terms of a suite of software that actually worked the way companies worked). I had years of experience, I could win work because people tend to buy people and I was setting out future plans and directions for a business that should have seen me retire having built it up to its rightful position. Unfortunately I got Bladder Cancer and then got made redundant.
I went and did something else then, totally out of character but it seemed a good idea at the time. Once I peeled away the thin layer of varnish I knew differently and then I set up the family history business which is still sitting in the back ground here and I've been working on my other start up venture in the background as well as working at the charity.
I'm as competent in my present job as I will ever need to be and having never been an operative doing the same thing year in year out, I am beginning to tire of that quite quickly. As these guys aren't dynamic, a lot of what I have as my core competencies will never be allowed to see the light of day but if they do, and a couple have, they will be someone else's idea.
I blogged about wanting or perhaps needing to get out of the Jet Stream life I was in before I had Cancer and I needed to as it would have been difficult to maintain my work rate given the issues I have had both those I knew I might have and those I actually had.
At the moment I just seem to be in the middle of nowhere. I'm not the industry leading, powerful, energy ball that I was and what I do now I know I will find will not interest me for much longer. I find 9 to 5 and commuting on the same train and same seat and seeing the same people is grinding away at me. I still enjoy the job but I can do so much better than this.
The crazy thing is, I don't know what I want and I've got a good 13 years to give to some industry or other. I don't fit into many organisations because I'm not trained to do that, I go in and fix tings, set them up properly and then walk away and into the next trouble spot. Damn, I miss that cut and thrust and then again, I think to myself that perhaps I just ought to take the pay and take things easy.
There isn't an answer to this at the moment, it is a quandary that I've had to live with since I got BC. There probably isn't a right answer. I know other people have an opinion but this job doesn't hold the responsibility or the opportunity to do much in the way of improving the organisation or myself for that matter.
Let's see what news I get on the 3rd October as that will probably help me to build some ideas.
A 2nd Day off
I cannot even begin to tell you what this fatigue is like. My head works fine but my body just will not do much more than the basics. Sure, it carries me around but don't ask me to run or jump or do anything active. I'm not out of breath but I am unbelievably tired. I have a dull headache and the feeling that I've been indoors for too long and not out in the fresh air.
The symptoms are very much those expected of post cancer fatigue. The thing is there just isn't anything left in the tank. There's fuel and air and everything else but when you put your foot on the accelerator the engine hasn't got any power.
Reading up on it, it is all about hormone imbalances, problems with things like your adrenal gland and therefore not enough adrenaline when you need it and a whole batch of things that don't mean an awful lot to me. The answer is it takes time to get back these things and to be prepared for these odd days of fatigue.
I know it happens and I know I've had them before. I guess I could fight my way past these and go and try and get to work but who am I kidding? I couldn't get to sleep last night and when I did get to sleep it felt like a very short time until the alarm went and once again I couldn't get up and about.
I am just going to have to live with it. I do curse the fact that I cannot put in long hours and keep a sustained piece of work going. Then again, perhaps I wouldn't be in this situation if I hadn't been like that in my earlier years?
The symptoms are very much those expected of post cancer fatigue. The thing is there just isn't anything left in the tank. There's fuel and air and everything else but when you put your foot on the accelerator the engine hasn't got any power.
Reading up on it, it is all about hormone imbalances, problems with things like your adrenal gland and therefore not enough adrenaline when you need it and a whole batch of things that don't mean an awful lot to me. The answer is it takes time to get back these things and to be prepared for these odd days of fatigue.
I know it happens and I know I've had them before. I guess I could fight my way past these and go and try and get to work but who am I kidding? I couldn't get to sleep last night and when I did get to sleep it felt like a very short time until the alarm went and once again I couldn't get up and about.
I am just going to have to live with it. I do curse the fact that I cannot put in long hours and keep a sustained piece of work going. Then again, perhaps I wouldn't be in this situation if I hadn't been like that in my earlier years?
Monday, September 21, 2009
Fatigue again - where did that come from?
Out of the blue, this morning, someone turned on the gravity switch and I woke from a fitful night's sleep (it has to be said) with a headache, slight dizziness and the feeling that someone had super glued my body to the bed.
I don't feel a great deal better now at lunchtime and the headache is still here and the dizziness is slight, the tinnitus which is often part of my everyday life these days has ramped up and is quite loud and I feel completely out of it. I purposefully didn't do anything yesterday as I realised last week that I ought to take Friday off and preempt any of this fatigue feeling. The driving and a few late nights were ringing bells in my head (not the tinnitus other bells).
Also this morning my appointment for the Hospital has arrived. 3rd October. Yes, that's a Saturday which is very unusual. However, it is local so I will be able to walk there easily enough. If it is good news I have to walk past two pubs (at least) to get home so that could be interesting.
I can't believe that I feel quite as rubbish as I am at the moment but there you go. It used to happen like that but hasn't for a long long time. Just a little reminder from my body not to overdo things or to remind me that I'm not out of the situation yet.
I don't feel a great deal better now at lunchtime and the headache is still here and the dizziness is slight, the tinnitus which is often part of my everyday life these days has ramped up and is quite loud and I feel completely out of it. I purposefully didn't do anything yesterday as I realised last week that I ought to take Friday off and preempt any of this fatigue feeling. The driving and a few late nights were ringing bells in my head (not the tinnitus other bells).
Also this morning my appointment for the Hospital has arrived. 3rd October. Yes, that's a Saturday which is very unusual. However, it is local so I will be able to walk there easily enough. If it is good news I have to walk past two pubs (at least) to get home so that could be interesting.
I can't believe that I feel quite as rubbish as I am at the moment but there you go. It used to happen like that but hasn't for a long long time. Just a little reminder from my body not to overdo things or to remind me that I'm not out of the situation yet.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
An Anniversary Missed
15th September, last Tuesday was one year to the day that I had my last BCG instillation. I am amazed that it is that long ago but it was. The next anniversary of note is in October when this humble blog turns three years old.
Things move on again and I notice that I'm gaining more confidence that perhaps this can be put behind me a bit now. It is terribly difficult not to live with this every day as there are reminders every day. Every time you meet someone you haven't seen for a while they ask you how you are. this blog, my general state of health, going to the toilet (yes you still look to see if there is blood every time), the daily tablets and other such reminders.
The other issue is still the most difficult one to live with and that is that whilst I'd like to make the most of my good fortune, no one else really realises what it actually means to be alive when you thought you might not be or perhaps felt that you'd be ill for the rest of your life.
I continue to work on how to square that problem and so far none of the solutions I've come up with are actually that palatable. I know that those around me have no real idea of what I've gone through and I've probably no real idea what they have gone through either. I'd like to go off and do something different and I'm not certain they want to do what I want to.
Things move on again and I notice that I'm gaining more confidence that perhaps this can be put behind me a bit now. It is terribly difficult not to live with this every day as there are reminders every day. Every time you meet someone you haven't seen for a while they ask you how you are. this blog, my general state of health, going to the toilet (yes you still look to see if there is blood every time), the daily tablets and other such reminders.
The other issue is still the most difficult one to live with and that is that whilst I'd like to make the most of my good fortune, no one else really realises what it actually means to be alive when you thought you might not be or perhaps felt that you'd be ill for the rest of your life.
I continue to work on how to square that problem and so far none of the solutions I've come up with are actually that palatable. I know that those around me have no real idea of what I've gone through and I've probably no real idea what they have gone through either. I'd like to go off and do something different and I'm not certain they want to do what I want to.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Straightforward simple explanation
I found this little gem online all about Bladder Cancer HERE. I wished I'd have found that one earlier on. I dared look up when they call you "in remission" as I'd really like to hear those words in a few weeks time it would be more than 2 1/2 years since they found anything cancer related inside my bladder.
Friday, September 18, 2009
I want a bit of respect
Every now and then it would be nice not to end up getting it in the neck for stuff that I haven't been involved in. I'm going to be obscure here. Imagine if you will that something happens, I have possibly heard about it but no one has spoken to me, asked my advice or asked me to do anything and then, when they are half way through a problem arises and suddenly, it's my problem? Worse than that, I get talked to as if I knew all along it was my problem and to say the least, tonight I got pretty pissed off with it.
I'm happy to help but the problem doesn't need to be fixed tonight as the delivery man who has to pick said problem up hasn't been contacted but time is running out and no one has done anything about it and now the instructions which (in my humble opinion) are simple enough to follow haven't been followed. In addition, rather than asking for help they've gone off and solicited someone else's help and that is my problem too as they haven't got back to them. despite me saying that I'll look at it in the morning things still aren't right about that either.
So, in no uncertain terms I've expressed the view that it ain't life threatening, that it can wait as DHL or UPS or FEDEX aren't exactly going to turn up at midnight if you haven't even called them with a reference number either and obviously, as I'm a bloke, that is wrong too.
It really pisses me off and it doesn't matter who it is, when the accusational tone of voice is used towards me if it isn't even a problem under my ownership or even on my radar as this particular thing isn't. I live and breathe the world of body language and tone of voice and talking to me as if I were some naughty child or misguided adolescent is hardly going to gain my unqualified assistance and help me to look favourably on working out their problem for them.
I very much doubt that a good tone has been set for the weekend but I should be getting used to no one talking to me these days or even being here. At least if they aren't here they aren't accusing me of not doing something that through some clairvoyant level I should have picked up when I was at work.
So, that's my little rant over for today let's hope no one tries talking down to me again this weekend or they may well regret that. I was in such a good mood too during the day.
I'm happy to help but the problem doesn't need to be fixed tonight as the delivery man who has to pick said problem up hasn't been contacted but time is running out and no one has done anything about it and now the instructions which (in my humble opinion) are simple enough to follow haven't been followed. In addition, rather than asking for help they've gone off and solicited someone else's help and that is my problem too as they haven't got back to them. despite me saying that I'll look at it in the morning things still aren't right about that either.
So, in no uncertain terms I've expressed the view that it ain't life threatening, that it can wait as DHL or UPS or FEDEX aren't exactly going to turn up at midnight if you haven't even called them with a reference number either and obviously, as I'm a bloke, that is wrong too.
It really pisses me off and it doesn't matter who it is, when the accusational tone of voice is used towards me if it isn't even a problem under my ownership or even on my radar as this particular thing isn't. I live and breathe the world of body language and tone of voice and talking to me as if I were some naughty child or misguided adolescent is hardly going to gain my unqualified assistance and help me to look favourably on working out their problem for them.
I very much doubt that a good tone has been set for the weekend but I should be getting used to no one talking to me these days or even being here. At least if they aren't here they aren't accusing me of not doing something that through some clairvoyant level I should have picked up when I was at work.
So, that's my little rant over for today let's hope no one tries talking down to me again this weekend or they may well regret that. I was in such a good mood too during the day.
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