Work tomorrow

Not looking forward to it really. I don't know why but I've a real downer on work and the last few days at home have meant I have been able to get a good run at some of my paperwork.

I think I might need to work out what is left to do this year and sort out if I can get the remainder of the work done and spend less time in the office. I tend to think I can.

My leg still hurts a bit I just hope tomorrow isn't too bad getting in to work.

Oh Hell

Heard tonight that someone I know reasonably well has Prostate Cancer - the worst scenario - 20+ Radios on their way for his lottery. For lottery it surely must be as there is little to be gained from radical work - these are the last throw of the dice. How terrible to have that in your sights.

At our meeting tonight my friend and I are pronounced as being clear, technically in remission and the to hear that our colleague was this bad was just so devastating. I bumped into someone unknown to me before tonight and he was telling me that his wife had just months to go before she dies from some other particularly nasty form of disease that will render her blind first and then death will follow quite soon. It makes me shudder writing it.

Despite all of that we had a good evening and met up with some people we haven't seen for ages.  Just a shame about the other news.

Not in work today either

I can't say that I feel any better today really.  I got dressed and can still feel this cut / abrassion against my trousers and I know that if I walk any distance I'll set it off again.  So I've stuck a load more cream on it and decided that discretion is the better part of valour.  I can do my work from here for a while.

I am getting fed up of this time off work but I know it is better to do this than to go in today and end up twice as bad ready for next week when I need to be in.

At  least the weekend awaits and I can get a few days R&R in before heading back to the office.

Battling with myself

I find that I'm constantly beating myself up and questioning things and I've done that most of my life. I am very critical of my own work and I expect others to be as good if not even better than me. I'm no perfectionist but I like a job done well and I like to work with professionals and people who inspire me. I like to learn new things and see how different approaches to a problem can help me solve that in a more elegant fashion.

I'm continuing working on this "other" project and it is really exciting but I'm getting impatient to get stuck in and really give it a go. It probably wont be until the end of Q1 next year but it will just be so interesting to work on and to produce something really interesting. The current job doesn't inspire anymore as it is dealing with the same old, same old and how anyone can have a job that never actually produces anything but just keeps the wheels turning is beyond me and YES - I know we have to have jobs and industries and people like that but I'm not one of them and I just don't get it :-)

All the time I beat myself up because I'm not delivering or I'm not achieving what I could do. I tell you that I am coming back on stream with avengence and getting back to my old self. I don't have the energy but I sure do have the brain power back which I can tell you I have really missed. I get the odd word wrong and it takes me a little while to remember things and names but in reality my mind is working at a speed and at a level of lateral and creativity that I am now much happier with. If you go back a year or so, you may recall that the treatment was making me forgetful and lethargic whereas now - I feel I am climbing back towards the levels I used to have. All I need is the energy and fitness to catch up with my brain and I can announce that I am back.

A little better today

Still feeling this nasty raw patch on my leg - it really hurt yesterday and I think I've got things under control so I can get into work tomorrow. What a nuisance - I have no idea how I did it.

I seem to have had so many ailments in the past 3 and a half years which have made up for my near 30 year clear run!! If anything comes along I appear to get it. Got the Dizzy spells, that awful cold and infections earlier this year, this problem with my leg and all sorts of stupid little niggles. I'm actually getting quite p1ssed off with being not 100%.

I shouldn't moan and I should be aware there are people far worse off that I am but even so, I just never seem to feel on top of my game, 100%, fit, healthy, the right weight and all that good stuff. It is frustrating not depressing.

I still wonder whether I ought to look to have a short rest period away from work just to sort myself out and get my head and body back into some sort of shape.

These two days have actually been quite good as I haven't been able to do much and so have sat down and actually got stuck into some of my outstanding paperwork.

At Home - on a Wednesday

Strange - it is early morning and not unlike last week, I am at home. This time it is more to do with managing to hurt the inside of my leg. I did this yesterday and I've scrapped the inside of one of my thighs and so it kept getting caught on the seam of my trousers and rubbing. It was pretty cold yesterday as well and by the time I got to work I was feeling a little sore. By the time I got home I needed to go and put some cream on it. This morning I thought all was well but find that it isn't really. It needs a bit of rest.

I can work from home - the office is aware - or will be wen they get in and I am set up to work from here.

Yesterday was again a boring day and I was falling asleep at my desk. I think I remember last year being this bad too. There is little real work to get your teeth into and what work there is appears to be bitty and mundane.

I hope that I will be OK to go out later today. I am due to a meeting this afternoon and just hope that my leg has calmed down a bit by then.

That was bound to happen

Absolute standstill this afternoon. The web site has been updated and is now in test and what's worse, the Christmas Card is now agreed and in production. All the mailings have been done and my time sheets and invoice are all up to date.

I'm sat here wondering quite what to get stuck into. Time is dragging and I am scratching around trying to sort out what 5 minute jobs there are.

The trouble is that there really isn't that much left to do until January! How worrying is that.

Not looking forward to the coming week

I need to be diplomatic and not actually tell everyone what I think this week :-)

The past few weeks have definitely seemed to be testing my patience and ability to continue to work on a load of mundane tasks.  It bores the hell out of me.

I'm obviously getting better.  I'm still tired but my mind appears to be back to its need to do something a little more creative than this job allows me to be.   I'm finding the hum drum day-to-day work is wearing a little thin.  It's nice to be the do-er and someone who provides all the support at the office but that is little comfort when it has taken 3 or more months to get to a final of our Christmas Card and it is still not finished and people STILL want to change it.

Remebrance Sunday

I always find the service moving but for the first time in years I was actually out and went down to Gillingham and back to get some of my Regalia to be invested as a Grand Officer next month.

They've made some massive improvements to the road and all the roadworks are now gone so I flew down there and back in about half the time I thought it would so I did get to see the end of the service.  It was interesting to see that I could get to the new International Rail Terminal in about 20 minutes.  It makes Paris and Brussels less than 3 hours away!

Today is a lazy day.  Watch TV, catch up on emails and generally chill out before the next crazy week at work.  I hope to be able to keep my calm this week - I find it quite testing at the moment but that could be that I realise that there isn't much of a job left.

Now that you come to mention it

I said I had found the early letters and here are a few of the actual words on the one after the first operation:

"His Bladder tumour was a G3P T1 so [sic] so with earlier invasion and I have explained this to him.  It was a moderate size so it does represent potential risk to him and I have explained that we will need to do  a further Cystoscopy and Biopsy to improve the staging. "

That was a long time ago though and it was interesting coming across the letter again.   It brought it back to me and that conversation with my Consultant when she explained the full gravity of this particular diagnosis.  

It is amazing how things have progressed from there.  The potential risk has diminished but the "potential" is always there.  It was explained that there is a significant chance of a recurrence but the longer you stay clear then the risk goes down.

It was quite good to see these and just remind myself of my good fortune.  

I didn't expect to get back that late

But I eventually caught the 23:15 train home! I went out with my Nephew who is back from Luxembourg for good and my work colleagues had also come over. I ended up going home a lot later than I thought I would.

The new car is here and looks very nice indeed. Everyone seems happy apart from my wallet which is creaking and groaning under the strain :-).

I pulled out some of my papers and found the original letter from the Hospital confirming my diagnosis. It made quite sombre reading. Especially the words "It is quite a significant threat to him."

Now the Vice Chairman

Of the London Lunchtimers.  www.lunchtimers.org 

But Flocky has just dropped me a line to say his dizzy spells have come back and I have to say - now that he mentions it - so I can feel every so slightly the same.  Mind you I had one of my sneezing fits tonight (runs in the family and we don't sneeze once - we sneeze with rhythm!).

I was explaining to someone today how important it was to have a mundane job and then why I hated it so much.  A strange twist in my outlook as I now feel so under utilised that I can take almost 4 days off this week and still have completed all I need to do!

Other than the risk of getting the dizzy spells back I do hope to get in to work tomorrow as I have an appointment I'd like to keep with our PR compatriots in the other charities.

Even Keeled

Or I appear to be now.  How strange that was.  I did a quick check on my Blood Pressure and I was normal but low for me 128 / 90.  I did go downstairs and take things easy - easy enough to fall asleep for an hour or so and I've gradually felt better.  Now I am about to go to bed and I can still notice that I have been a little off balance but nowhere near the feeling that I was about to pass out that I had earlier in the day.  That was most weird.

I missed going to my Lodge meeting tonight but if I'd have collapsed there it wouldn't have been much fun either.  

Tomorrow is a busy day again, I hope that I'll be able to last through as I have a conference call tomorrow to sort out some figures and a lunchtime appointment which I am looking forward to as I should be voted the Vice Chair of a dining club and that will give me something to do in the next few years!  If I do get voted on then this time next year I take the chair.

So off to bed and hopefully the wobbly balance stuff will be gone in the morning.  It is always a worry when you wander around as if drunk and yet have been nowhere near alcohol.

Good Old Flocky

Was on the phone to me to see how I was.  Strange thing this dizzy stuff, he had the same yesterday and so perhaps something going around.  It is the most strange feeling.

Mrs F. just told me that perhaps I need to slow down a bit and take things easy.  I can't think that I have been overdoing it but as she rightly reminded me I've been in my office for 12 hours yesterday and a good 8 already today.

I think I shall take my own advice then and go and sit downstairs and take it easy.  I was due out but have now cancelled that (although I've given myself a buffer of an hour on that decision).  I really wanted to go but sometimes I need someone to reflect back the advice I'd give to others which is go and sit quietly downstairs and take it easy for a short while then see how you feel.

Perhaps overdoing it is a bit too far but time to take it easy nonetheless.

What is this?

I feel most peculiar.  I've come over all dizzy and light headed.  Not quite feinting but nevertheless not good.

I'm going to sit outside for a while and get some fresh air and might have to go and lie down.  I don't need a cold or anything else right now - I have too much to do.

Nearly Cured - Prevention

As I walk around I see people putting their health at risk all the time and I feel sorry for them.  I see young people smoking and I wonder what health problems they are storing up for themselves in the future.  Some people who can hardly walk or waddle along as they are so overweight and you just know that Diabetes and heart problems are just waiting in the wings.

Steve in the US has written a number of extremely interesting blogs about lifestyle and the latest 2 here and here have really made me sit up and think.  

One of the major things I did was to cut down on sugar and I changed my lifestyle.  I was a bit binary at the begining causing myself all sorts of trouble.  I wanted things fixed in a few days and in reality changes take a little longer than a few days do do.  I also overdid most things.  SImple diet changes include increased fruit and vegetable intake and what I thought was a good idea to reduce my sugar intake, cut right back on salt and also cut back on processed items as much as possible.  

Invariably you cannot cut everything out but you can take many steps to do so.  As my Doctor told me "Don't live like a Hermit".   However the shock is around the changes I made in sugar as I moved away from sugar and in doing so cut down caffeine.  I used sweeteners to replace the sugar.  It appears that these may have adverse affects on my bladder.  Sugar, as you can see from Steve's research, and Cancers tend to go hand in hand.   So I am now looking at cutting these down too.  I am sure I cannot just give them up but I will phase them out.  It is going to make my occasional Espresso taste different but then maybe I'll allow myself the odd one every now and then.  

There are a number of things you can do to gradually change your lifestyle and reducing salt, sugar and saturated fats are some of them.  I can't be arsed to go to extremes on this though.   We all know that a balanced meal using fresh ingredients, plenty of fruit and vegetables and ensuring that your fibre intake is correct etc. all lead to better health and that together with moderate exercise also help.  Balance Diet - those two words say it all.  Don't live like a Hermit, don't become obsessed and faddy with food.  If you happen to be tempted by a huge Jam Doughnut today, grab some fruit later or tomorrow.  After all you can treat yourself once in a while can't you?

Good Grief

Charlie Brown! What a week it has been. the windows and doors were fixed today, the girls bought a new car and I don't suppose the spending will have stopped there. I've paid for A's Hasselblad Camera - although - to be fair she is paying me back. I've had to buy a new Laser Printer as it is cheaper than buying supplies for my old (15 months) one! What is the world coming to when I can buy a printer cheaper than the supplies that go in it and it is cheaper to throw away the old one than get the new stuff for it? What a crazy world we live in.

I'm at home again tomorrow and hope to get a bit more work done. I've been pretty busy setting up the new printer and looking after the window guy so managed only a little today. At least I wasn't at work where I threw a spanner in earlier as the Christmas Card supplier cannot print our specials and get them back to us until early December if I gave them the finalised card now. Interestingly enough, the committee are still messing about with it and so maybe they will sort them that out by the time I get back. Oh look pigs just flew by my window.

Oh well - off to bed - to see if another night's sleep will improve things!

It is actually hard to cope with being this tired

I'm bumping along the bottom of fitness at the moment and last night was a prime example of what my tiredness is like. I went to bed late around about midnight - I didn't need to be up until about 8 and so figured that this would work out fine for me.

I woke at least 3 times during the night feeling uncomfortable and made my way to the bathroom but I really felt sleepy, as if I could go to sleep on my feet each time.

I automatically wake at 5:18 every morning just before my alarm goes off, I knew I wasn't at work and so went back to sleep. My alarm went off at 7:45 and I did no more than turn that off and eventually dragged myself out of bed.

I'm glad that I will be at home today and tomorrow so that I can catch up and this is after just one day at work! It almost beggars belief that I can feel so lethargic.

The problem is this isn't feeling tired like you can for a day or two, this just goes on and on and on. Sure there are good and bad days associated with it and I'm not getting any worse thank goodness hence my comment bumping along the bottom. The answer has to be to get even more exercise and to work on my diet further. Both aren't easy considering that I leave the house at just gone 6 in the morning and get back around about 6:30 and so my time is severely limited.

I ought to face up to the facts that I ought to be doing something at work (despite the fact that I walk a fair distance each day to and from the stations at either end). However, to get a routine would be difficult to achieve such is my crazy schedule of meetings etc. Additionally it just isn't something I particularly "get". Going to a Gym and then coming back to work or even going before or after work.

I realise that the solution is in my control and so I need to work out what to do.

It is November

And the Christmas adverts are in full flow. Not that these are the first - oh no - we have been bombarded throughout October. Worse than that I saw my first one in July - YES - July.

Every day is Christmas for me of course.

At least we didn't get any Halloween visits this year and the fireworks ave been kept to a minimum for the past few days by the rain.

So - what else can I blog about apart from just being generally a bit offish at the moment. Work isn't great and I just don't seem to feel motivated but that is just one of those things. I know work is going to be frustrating and annoy the hell out of me tomorrow and so a few days off work will sort it out no doubt.

Here I go again

I haven't worked for an organisation for longer than 18 months for - O - I suppose 35 years. I may have worked for the same company for longer but I've always worked on different customer's sites and for the duration of a project.

It is 20 months since I started at the Charity and I'm getting to that point in my job that it really is beginning to get - well - boring. The people are great but the work is now routine and mundane. The big project is delivered and I'm now struggling with "committee authoring". This fannying around and arguing semantics is wearing extremely thin at the moment. I have decided to take a few days off and to space out my working and that will perhaps help with the anger management bit.

Certainly this week I need to just pull away from the office a little bit as I'm certainly not enjoying things there at present.