A new way of looking at things.

Click on image to enlarge.

Using www.wordle.net allows you to cluster together the most used words on your blog.  You can hardly see the word cancer, bladder and yet new, feel and other quite positive words are there.  I've just started playing with this tool - it is fascinating to picture your content like this.  I am pleased that there aren't big highlighted words in there like despair or fear.

It also feels a bit like this too

These guys are also fast becoming firm favourites on my MP3 player...

SO now how does it feel?

It feels just like this:



Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done, that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Fooor me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Yeah freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
hu
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good

Hell it's a Nudorn alright.....

Still Flu Like

Decided not to go to work and give this to anyone. It felt like it was going yesterday but it gave me plenty of trouble overnight and I was sneezing and coughing - not what you want to do at work....

I had to drop a note to the boss and so delivered the "find someone else" message at the same time. I suppose that being pragmatic about it is the only thing to do. There isn't a lot I can do about that. I do worry about the 18 months to 2 years frequency that I manage to last before I need to move on although in this case, I reckon if I had stayed I would have negotiated something quite different to combat the frustrations but there is work to do after my operation in April and ideally that would be a good time to get someone in so I can show them the ropes and then move on. At least they have the option of getting me to come in and do a little support work at the same time.

24 Hour Flu

I've been laid out overnight and today with what can best be called mild Flu symptoms. Aching legs, slight stuffy nose, sneezes, sore throat etc. I took to my bed last night wrapped up against the chills and had a pretty disturbed night. I'm a bit annoyed as I wanted to do some more work in my office today but didn't get anything done. I am feeling a little better now after drugging myself up and taking it easy and sleeping through most of the day. Strangely it feels like some of the BCG treatments I had all that time ago....

Tomorrow is going to be a bit difficult as I know that a lot of people are going to be upset that I will be going and I also know that there is never a right time to go. However, now if right for them and for me. I can get to concentrate on what I need to put in place in the next 4 to 6 weeks. I needed to drop into the charity as a bolt hole after the disappointment and recriminations of the previous venture - amazing to think that is over 2 1/4 years ago and that the Tribunal was 2 years ago. I owe my present customer a lot but recently things have got stale and I can't influence except in the limited area that I exist in.

I hope that I shake off this cold for tomorrow morning. I really could do with getting into work and sorting things out with them. I am out on at least three nights this week too. One of those is a business engagement.

That's Good

Mrs. F. and I are bust clearing out the office to make it a working space again. I just threw away close to 1,000 3 1/2" disks and some 5 1/4" disks, loads oo old computer stuff, leads and mice, CDs and DVDs that are no longer any use. It is amazing how much clutter I have picked up over the years.

I actually have empty cupboard space too which is nice. So Mrs. F. is OK with me taking 6 months to go for it with my new venture. It makes sense to limit this to October of this year so that at least we can make a decision whether to chuck it in or continue.

I'm feeling happy and sad all at the same time. I have to tell work on Monday that all bets are off and I'll see what the reaction is to that. Not good in some quarters I'm sure.

The reminder of the weekend is about sorting this room out and getting ready to hit he ground running some time in April.

End Game

My friend sounds like he will be made redundant this afternoon. I am just about to work out my resignation notes and how I will continue to work with the office as they will still want me to consult for them. Eventually I hope to become involved with them a bit more from a volunteer point of view but lets see how things transpire first.

A weekend of planning ahead then.

Timing is rubbish

It hasn't escaped anyone's notice that I haven't been in work for much of this week - I did get a lot done on Tuesday and so far have blistered the work I was doing at home but I really ought to be thinking ahead and working out quite how I position things next week.

You see, most people think I'm just having a few issues with my other business and a few have serious doubts about whether I will stay. I am having my own problems in that I need my colleague to be made redundant for me to take the jump and he and I can go and work together to get our project off the ground. That is the plan. Of course all the nagging doubts are there and the what if situation about who replaces me and how much involvement I keep with the job. I hope that they get someone better than me in a way so that they move on further and really develop the stuff I've started. The problem I have is that I'm loathe to get involved in something that I may not finish.

I think I should know tomorrow or at the weekend how it is panning out. Next week I am in the office most days I think but it could get really uncomfortable especially if I am going to leave.

Hello Fiji

I was on to a relative in Fiji today - the internet and instant messaging are great and allow you to interact with people all over the world. It was nice to let him know that I was getting nearer to an all clear. The Hospital dropped me an email saying that they wanted me in later than they originally said. That means I am going to end up there overnight again which is a pain as Mrs. F. works in the morning.

I'm pretty much happy to walk home myself as I only live 20 minutes away but I am sure no one will allow that - unless I don't tell anyone that is!! How do single people manage? Anyway - that at least means that I can have a light breakfast and plenty of water to make sure I don't dehydrate like I did on one of my earlier operations.

It is less than a month away now so feeling a little down about it already. That happens and is only natural I guess. To be apprehensive is part of the territory I guess. Hopefully, and how many times have I said this, this one will be the last of these procedures and I will have a flexible cystoscopy next time. OK that isn't nice either but it sure beats this malarkey of having to be pumped full of chemicals and finding a catheter stuck in you when you wake up and a cannula stuck in the back of your hand. Sheesh!!

It is also getting very close to decision time with my job - I can only imagine what kind of reaction there will be to that when it happens. I need to position that correctly especially as I will still be around for a little bit to help out. Who knows what the future will bring.

Off to Celebrate Flocky's Birthday

well actually it is the Provincial Officers' Mess which is a good evening out. We get a subsidised meal and wine and it is nice to get to meet lots of old friends.

I have foolishly stated that I will buy Flocky some Champagne which could make a serious dent in my wallet.

It will be good to get out and about and to meet a number of the troops again.

Nothing like a bit of Schindler's List

To send me off to bed in the right frame of mind. I have to say I'd forgotten just how deeply that last bit of the film affected me. More so as one of the children looks just like my eldest A. I'm still upset and that is 30 minutes after I finished watching it.

You can hardly believe that all of that is still within living memory and you can't even begin to imagine the utter horror of it all. I think you get a little insight into the fear if you've had cancer, maybe and so perhaps it drags out those experiences when I watch it. It's a very special film without a doubt.

Yuk Day

I hate it when the office is heated to sub tropical temperatures like today - I roasted and it tired me out. I managed to get lots of things done but by mid afternoon I was flagging. I left a little earlier than normal to find a half length train - great! That too was heated to grow some sort of rare plant and we roasted - at least someone reached a few windows and the blowers came on.

I may work from home tomorrow as it at least Ii can regulate the temperature and I can get a load more done. I shall think about that overnight. Time gets nearer to a decision. I feel myself wanting to hurry up and make the jump yet I cannot until my colleague's fate is sealed - possibly this Friday.

Almost a seminal day

Almost but not quite. We can't quite take the jump into the new business today. By the end of the week maybe and by the end of the week after almost certainly.

A good meeting but it has left me in limbo land as such as I'd like to tell my people to start looking for my replacement knowing that I am off to do my project.

At least we concluded that our venture has a future and that it needs to be worked on now. That said, it is by no means certain that we will get it to market, get funded or anything else! Happy Days :-)

The only constant in this life is change!

Gradually

You get your life back you know. When I thought about it this morning, I realised that I'm recording stuff that is pretty much what I'd stick in a diary and wondered how relevant it is to Bladder Cancer and do you know what? The relevance is that 3 years ago I was obsessed daily with it and to be truthful I do think about having or having had cancer every day of my life but gradually the old me has returned and things do get back to some sense of normality.

When I say normal, as normal as you are going to get because cancer changes your life anyway, it doesn't appear to have changed my underlying psychological profile but it has changed my attitude to life, the way I look at things and the way I do - or do not - care for people these days. I beginning to reclaim my life again and take back those things that my cancer took from me. The one thing I missed the most though was my brain - it still isn't all back here like it used to be but I am getting back to my sharpest again and that bodes well for me but not for my current customer/empoyer.

Decision Day

Or perhaps the background to a decision day. It is at least a chance to discuss and explore what the possibilities are in terms of moving on. Both my colleague and I are convinced that we should pursue our idea and take it to a conclusion. At the moment, if we don't it will whither on the vine and we will never know if it is possible to achieve. The bigger team has fallen away after we got this in front of one of the larger multi nationals and got exciting results, one-by-one they have failed to deliver anything of value or just fallen away.

At times like this, it is important to make a decision to move on or kill the idea. I'd like to give it a full time effort for 6 months and see where we have arrived at. At that time, if nowhere then I'd have to rethink. It is one of those hard decisions as it requires moving out of a comfort zone and to put some faith into my own abilities to get something done. I have no doubt that I can achieve this or at least take things to their logical conclusion - that may be that we decide after 6 months to not continue. At least we will know.

Today will sure be interesting.

Good Bye Piano

So I now only have one Piano. It isn't in tune and is never likely to be as it is a 1900 to 1910 original made by my GGG Uncle at his East London factory. The other piano which we have had since the girls were taking music lessons has been sold - rather cheaply I hasten to add to a dealer and it has left the house today. I kind of miss it as it actually was in tune and could be played and was a musical instrument and not an heirloom like the other one is.

It is just another one of those things that I find we are now getting rid of from the house. It is most probably a good thing.

Big day tomorrow as I meet up with my colleague to decide what me might do in terms of setting up our business venture. We need to step up to the plate or decide not to do it. Perhaps we may procrastinate for a little while longer but it mustn't be too long.

It will soon be April and he will be away - I will be in Hospital and somehow we need to arrange our current business affairs and get ready for this new thing or make arrangements for it. For me - I need to make the decision as soon as possible so that I can arrange with work to get a replacement and to then cover off the other things I am doing.

I heard this and it will be with me in April

I heard this music some time ago - Very nice.  The video is interesting too.

A game of "what time is it?"

Flocky and I were due to meet earlier in the day but eventually it was late afternoon before we finally touched base.  after sorting out a load of bits and pieces we retired to the pub for a beer and a packet of Peanuts or in my case, some nice Pork Scratchings (I must stop eating those!!)

After a couple of beers I disappeared off to the toilet and on my way back glanced at my watch.   Noting the time I asked young Flocky what time he thought it was and he concurred with me (before I had seen my watch) that it was no later than 8:30 but probably more like 8 pm.  Mmmmm.  Well it was more like 10 pm and we still had a pint of beer to consume.  Hence I arrived home at 10:45 without having had tea or supper and am now recounting this strange story.

Tomorrow is our Lodge meeting and so I am looking forward to that and the meal afterwards.  It is nice to meet some of our Lodge members and catch up with what they have been up to.  Unfortunately one of our members, now gting on for 93 is not so well.  We hope that he will soon be back to his normal self but the news isn't great.  He seconded me into the Lodge and so I have strong ties to him.  We will find out a bit more tomorrow from his daughter, herself in her 70s.

Friday - at home

I hope this will be a little relaxing day off and one that I can sit back and do a bit of reflective thinking.   Suddenly, now the boss knows the score some of the weight on my shoulder has come off and I hadn't realised that I was beating myself up about it quite so much.

I did four days at work this week - not without some bitching - but I managed it and perhaps next week I will get a better increase in productivity and sanity.  At least I have broken the back of the main stuff for this year already.

L got her results yesterday and had a mixed bag from a straight A to a fail.  She isn't phased by it although one result was much lower than she expected.  She knows now what to do about it.  That's good and she is focussed on becoming a teacher and she has the tenacity to do it.  She has just stuck to a diet that has seen her lose a lot of weight in a controlled way, a year before she went without eating chocolate for a year.  I think I know where she gets that stubbornness from :-)

I've just come off the phone from talking with my colleague who is working with me on this other project and we will meet on Monday to decide what to do - that may finally make us take the decision to get going or park our project and move on.  

And Now the Boss knows and growing up

This morning I noticed a large Charity sack by the front door and so I peeked inside (as you do) and there were lots and lots of cuddly toys.  Stuff from Disneyland and Beanie toys we had bought when the kids were young and it was obviously going on to a good place and will be sold to make someone's life a little better.  I'm all for that - I work in a charity - it's what I do.

However, it was a bit more profound than that.  I stared into the bag and there were the memories of my little girls staring back at me.  Happy times, magic times, we did enouy ourselves then and they had these "things" that meant a lot then but mean nothing now.  Somehow they meant a lot this morning and I got one of my "Bambi moments"  - hell this cancer nonsense really screws up your hormones.  I was really moved - not upset that they were getting rid of these childish things as they were going to a good home and were for a good cause and I'm proud that both girls do things like this and give of their time and give freely of these things that probably just clutter up their rooms.  To me, of course, these things were hard earned things.  I worked to buy them and in reality I don't want to sound sore about it but they probably mean a lot to me because they are associated with happy times, growing up, fun, play and all the good stuff about having kids.  It also drags me back to those pre-cancer days and it also reminds me that my children are grown up now.  No Longer children at all.  Young Ladies.  A is 20 in a few weeks time and L will be 17 in August.  It isn't the cost or anything to do with that - to me it is the loss of the item that may bring back a memory for me.   The kids adored these things and now they are just discarded - I'm not sure I know what more to say on the subject - it just made me feel bad and realise that things move on.

I was just left with a hole this morning that is all, it felt like I'd had something ripped away from me but it wasn't the toys themselves just what memories that they surfaced.

The boss called me in today and we had a chat.  I think that someone must have told him that I wasn't best pleased with the way things have been and whilst he acknowledged that we also agreed that one of two things was about to happen.  They are keen to get me on full time working.  I had to explain the 2 factors of the operation and the possibility that my other job will burst into life but I also had to reassure him that I would not just walk away.  I owe them far more than that.

Cards are now played and I feel happier about that.  I prefer to play a relatively straight bat in these cases and this little chat did that.  More later next week.

Finally I met with my Nephew and an old friend J at a lively bar in London.  I have to say that after a number of rather delicious pints of Tangle Foot, I wandered home and Mrs. F (bless her) came and gave me a lift home and some tea....  I needed that :-)

It has been a funny old day with the disturbing bit followed by the relief of "confession" to my boss about what I think may happen.  The trouble about that is - who knows what the future will bring?