At least 20 years I guess. I woke early this morning and as my mind is bound to do, it decided today was the day to pen my book of regrets. Whirlwind mind went off on a pretty bad set of self accusatory attacks and the pain body did its best as did I to dismiss such things but it was light, the birds were fighting each other on the Balcony outside the bedroom windows and French doors and so I got up an hour and a half early and decided to come downstairs, get the milk in and get the charity box out for collection and sit here for a hour distracting myself with the news which I hope will be good for world peace going forward but who knows?
I am angry with myself once again for not really tackling these thoughts and doing something about them. Last year was a low for sure and that episode should have taught me what to do and the internal fight never truly goes away. My head is in the wrong place and the changes which to be fair have already happened with the business still haven't freed my mind. I guess my partner saying she had avoided bumping into the guy who made my life hell last year must have subconsciously played a part in that - he's still kicking around in my head but of course, he can no longer do anything other than be a prize knob going forward and I'm not the person I was 20 years ago or I would have been quite aggressive in return.
I think that Cancer is a great leveller and change enabler even if you don't want it to be. Getting past the treatment which was challenging and the assault on your mind which needs battling as much as the disease itself, there comes about a frailty of mind which has surprised me. I was always super confident (my INTJ brain saw to that) and aggressive (in business) cock sure some might say and I didn't get upset about things in the in-depth way I do now. I shouldn't be annoyed at the actions of others. I should not react or care what they do and I shouldn't blame myself for other people's failings or actions yet my mind which knows much of this will not cooperate with me. The Pain Body and the Ego are strong and I have to be on my guard. I am right now but 30 minutes ago I was upset with the way things are for no apparent reason. I cannot change the facts, they are what they are, I can only run with it and let it be what it is and today, I find that difficult. Later, I will have shrugged this off and be getting along with stuff without a worry.
It is a worry that I have these dark thoughts again, these cannot provide any useful input to my life and are destructive and a little worrying too. Last year's episode was horrible and very scary. It was like the bit in The Matrix film where Neo takes the Red Pill. when he disappears into that black tunnel and it sort of goes inside himself. So Imagine that I was sat there and feeling absolutely awful and a little nauseous when the room just dimmed and I went cold as ice and the blackness poured in on me. It was like that - but worse! I am so glad that I shook myself out of it and grabbed my Eckhart Tolle Book, 'A New Earth' and started reading the chapters I had bookmarked.
I thought I might be dying for I have never felt anything like it and of course it was all in me. Whilst there was ugly stuff happening out there it was a reflection on how I was dealing with it not the thing itself and this is the truth of it. I have to analyse things and understand them and that is how my mind works, how it makes sense of the world and why I don't particularly like people LOL! Logic and rational behaviour and science and data are my tools to make sense of it all. I should but cannot detach myself from these things and every now and then I cannot and it leads me to be weird for a short time (normally although it can be longer).
I was never like this before cancer but since I have been a little or a lot screwy. It halts me being just me, it stops spontaneity as I have to plan things and research them and the problem with that is that it is disappointing when things pre-conceived or pre-planned do not turn out as you had hoped or envisaged. The answer if probably to try and be less controlling or planned but that too is difficult and leads to its own issues.
I need to get over this as it is leading me into dark places and is happening daily now. I hope that I will be able to work my way through this as it is having a bad affect on me and halts me getting on with things. Today another box of old stuff goes to charity. Stuff I've had kicking about for years that in reality I'd never do anything with. Hopefully it will do some good elsewhere and of course I won't miss it. Some of it is way over 20 years old and sat in a box in case.... I need to get a grip on this and other things in my life. The closing of the business, releasing the baggage of 20 or more years will start to pay dividends as long as my mind does not prevent or hinder me. I hate the battles in my head and wish they'd go away and leave me to it.
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