A New Purpose? Reinvention?

 When you have a goal or a purpose it all seems to come together somehow.  Work, Business, Marriage, House, Family it all fits together and it's sort of cohesive it fits where it touches and all is OK.  Getting divorced was a soul ripping moment after all the impact and fallout of the Bladder Cancer times and it must be around that time that my self esteem, my cocksure assertiveness fell away and this different me started to form.  It probably wasn't like a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis, no, more like a series of events that changed the way and who I am/was.

There is no longer any business to "keep me going" and actually I am glad, it's been a 9 year burden now I come to think of it and frankly I should have got rid of it at the first signs of being used (and abused).  However, I didn't and that call on my time and the effort I put in were both good and bad.  Good as I still went through doing what I should do against the odds and bad, in that the other person and his "friends" conspired to thwart what I was doing  and to what end?  Destroying their business using their shareholder muscle in the process?  Hopefully they will not complain when the letter arrives shortly to state the business is shut?

So business and that stress will be gone.  There's no more family to take care of no day-to-day things like that and suddenly (and it shouldn't be suddenly really) I'm thinking options, what to do with myself and things like that.  I realise that I haven't done things for years, flown my Drone for example.  Three years since Mauritius and I've not flown the Drone, used the GoPro or used my other cameras.  The film I was making of that holiday lies in metaphorical pieces on the cutting room floor of my server, incomplete.  The garden needs maintenance as does the house and we realised that the last holiday we had was indeed three years ago too.

My daughter is off around the world for the next year or two, travelling and good on her.  I'm wasting my hours in a new vacuum, wondering what to do with myself and flailing around trying to get my Mojo back and it's a very strange place to be for me.  I had planned quite a different future for myself but this is where I am at and this is what I have to deal with.

What to do?  I am sure I will arrive at a way forward but the invisible threads of expecting to be doing some business tasks and so on aren't breaking or if they are, they are taking a long time.  I still expect to be doing something work related tomorrow and feel bound to the computer to do spreadsheet or research related things.  They've gone, a hole is there in its place and I am not filling it with activity but somehow floating in the space left behind.  Having said that I did tackle some tasks last week and somewhat successfully so perhaps I will start to work out what I want to do and how I want to do it?  

You work all your life to retire and enjoy yourself and it doesn't seem to be working out that way at all.....