There's been an up and down relationship between my head and me for years. I blow hot and cold quite a bit of the time and strange as it may seem it appears to be getting worse rather than better counter-intuitively so.
Perhaps for some unknown reason I am dipping in and out of glass half full / half empty almost every day at the moment. I can go to bed tonight and sleep right through or wake up and start to contemplate mortality and play through some sort of scenario in my head about something that may or indeed may not have happened! The death question is popping up more than I'd like it to but I've just completed my Lasting Power or Attorneys (LPA) and I am documenting all the stuff I have my assets, accounts, investments, liabilities and so on and seeing all that on paper (well electronically really) and having to come to terms with various potential outcomes or routes towards that is making me a bit in and out too.
So I range during the day from happy to contemplative. Not sad really although I can get like that when thinking of what might have been or my children and the sad ways of the world as they are at the moment. I imagine that I am not only coming to terms with this change of course but also the feeling of driving full speed into a cul-de-sac. That's not to say that this is the only way to go or that is indeed what might happen but my INTJ brain is computing all the outcomes and scenarios and maybe I should just let it happen. Easier said than done for sure.
I don't suppose yesterday's little reminder improved my wish for equilibrium either :-) Looking back on my history then there could have been many avenues I could have gone down and wondering now where they might have led is another distraction that will not do anything but waste precious time and energy but what if I had taken those opportunities / paths? Would life have been different? Would it all have led back to the same health challenges, work and career moves and so on? In my mind they would have ended differently of course. Good for dreaming and sometimes beating yourself up with the "you miss 100% of the opportunities you don't take."
Last year's contemplation of wanting to die was one of "those" things - I really felt so wretched that I thought about it very hard and quickly dismissed it and I'd only ever felt that way a few times in my entire life. No need for calling SAMs as it happens - it was more a contemplation event rather than anything else.
I expect that there will be more wobbles on the way for a while - it's tackling what I am going to do with myself going forward and breaking these ties at the same time that were (or are) holding me back.
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