A lovely day

A blazing sunny day, really warm up in the top 20 degrees C that is.  I'm under the Parasol working away on my PC and notes for the new venture.  It feels like cheating - surely I should be doing this indoors and sweating over my desk?  Of course not it is almost decadent.  Additionally a nice bottle of Cava is chilling in the Fridge.

A week of eating salads and being good on my diet and I can actually feel different as I'm almost vegetarian at the moment with all the salad stuff I am having.  Breakfast was tomatoes, Mushrooms and Bean sprouts :-) quite yummy actually and less than a 100 calories I reckon.

I actually feel slightly thinner and feel a little better in myself which is great.  I am begining to get excited about getting on with the new venture and I have my last day at the Office on the 3rd June as a full-time consultant and I now go on 4 days a month based at home and the office as required.  Interestingly I have to go back in on the 10th June to run a workshop which I will be involved with for much of the summer.  I need to work on the messages to suppliers, Provinces and staff.  It is a strange situation and basically I need to get over that I'm not leaving but I'm also not doing what I used to as my replacement will need to pick that up and run with it.  I'm sure he will pick it up easily as he is a quick witted and intelligent guy.

Oh well back to this lovely summers day and brain dumping all my business ideas onto paper and onto the PC.  It's a hard job but someone has to do it.

Just how serious is it?

Tonight they read out a bit about me and how things were "a little disappointing and a set back".

Isn't it funny that many were just "amazed" at my temperament and good humour and that I was always smiling and laughing and joking.   Which got me thinking about whether or not I was actually treating this seriously?  Most people were treating me with reverential awe tonight and suddenly I got to be thinking - "Am I treating this seriously enough?"

You see I don't think that this is a death sentence or that it I;m being heroic or any other thing really.  I'm getting on with my life and accepting that it wont be the same again (I'm not really accepting it easily but I have to pragmatically realise that it is).

I'm being a little shining beacon and I suppose when you look at the other members of the Lodge who had Cancer and died quickly then I'm the exception.  I want to scream out to everyone that this is more likely the case these days.  Am I smiling and cheerful because I don't understand how serious this is?  Well what do you think?

I'm doing this because it is more likely today if you catch these things early that you will survive.  You know - I may end up having some significant surgery but because they found this early I have the option.   Many people, afraid to ask their doctor paid a higher price than the loss of an organ or some other radical work.

I think that I will always portray the outward message that Cancer is a huge threat but you can overcome much of it.  I like to think that a wimp like me can give someone who is really having a hard time with cancer the right sort of hope.   It is almost 4 years since I was diagnosed and I'm still here.  I intend to be here in 5, 10 and 15 years too.  I'm not counting too much after that as I do admit that I abused my body in my youth.  I still advise anyone I meet to ask of themselves whether a job is really worth burning yourself out for and in the long term harming your health.  But then again, when I was 19 I knew better than everyone else.  I think it is a pretty harsh lesson to come to terms with later in life when you suddenly realise you are mortal.

I feel humbled that people believe that I am somehow special or brave.  I can show you far braver people than me.  I can show you courage - just see our service men and women abroad and the high costs they pay for our freedom.  No, I'm not brave but I do believe in standing up and being an example that I will not kowtow to this pernicious disease and that I will not give up the fight to be well again and to live as long as I can.

I saw some petty stupid squabbling tonight - nothing that made any sense at all, people getting mad over nothing.  Guys - get real, no one died, life's too short, all this stress and agony over nothing.  What on earth is wrong with human kind if trivia is worth getting upset about.  Obviously one person didn't learn from the words that were said about me.  Life is important, charity, truth and balance.  Time for each other and a healthy respect for all our cultures and beliefs but don't get all humpty over what you thought you heard or some other such infantile nonsense.  Grow up!  

I should get my magic wand out - I want to change the world but no one seems to want to change with me.  Ignorance is bliss after all.

Gets off soap box and goes to bed :-)

Work today

Was strange.  I am pulling away from work but had shed loads to do.  I managed most of it but as usual there are always those last minute things to do.  I had to tell the boss that I hadn't done something he wanted but his instructions were quite woolly and so he can talk to the designers himself.  the big job got signed off and hopefully we will see some samples as the new guy starts.

I've agreed my exit strategy with the boss too.  Amazingly I managed to somehow screw up my diary for the next few weeks.  I will set too tomorrow and sort this out.  In reality it means that in 2 weeks time I can exit pretty much and hand over most of what I am doing excluding some strategy stuff.  That will allow me to do some work with the new guy and to start to set out my strategy workshops and positioning documents.

Work continues on the new opportunity and we are setting up a set of away days to do our boot camp and thrash out many of the issues on the company and what we plan to do.  If you happen to have a few million spare - let me know :-)  It is all getting pace and momentum behind it and the excitement is building.

Making a start

At last I made some big inroads into getting myself organised and sorted out.  I even managed to write a couple of positioning papers for the business. Funnily enough the urgent job of yesterday fell onto a designer who wasn't at work today so that was funny.  Everyone panicking about whether things would get done when in fact no one was there to do them and as predicted, I kind of hinted they shouldn't leave it to the last minute.

In to the office tomorrow for a thrash at the outstanding work I have to do.  I hope that I will get the opportunity to complete most of it and just get on there after.  I am not around there on Friday but may need to do a few days more next week.  I must clear my office and desk etc ready for the new guy too.

Which part of

I am not going to be around today did they not get?

Typical - I explain that I am away all day and that I'm only coming in one day this week.  So they send me an email with urgent actions on it.  I've just seen it and can't do much with it until tomorrow.  I can't believe it - after having it for weeks they now want to make wholesale changes.  I'm happy for them to do that but I can't do it for them - I've been working all day long on my new venture and I'm charged now.  I'm only looking to be in for the odd day here and there.   I think I will have to make sure that they realise that.

We've had a brilliant day today and this evening I must have done 6 or 7 hours non stop on business planning.  I hope I can get to sleep tonight my brain is going wizzzzz right now :-)

I'm gradually changing my diet - I actually like soups and salads and the like so the rabbit food seems to be alright.  It is now time to tackle exercise and how I will incorporate that into my life in the future.  I walked perhaps 3 miles a day normally so maybe I will have an early morning walk every day and if it is raining use my cross trainer.  I need to get out of what I am trying to do at the moment though as it is just crazy trying to do two things at once.

The Simple Life

It would be good to have that early years view of life.  everything was simple and nothing was like it is when you are older.  All the many things happening at once and all the baggage you collect along the way. 

My life has always been complicated but at the moment so much is happening that I find it difficult to disentangle myself from my present job to get on with my new one.  I force myself not to go to work and that is fine.  It makes it difficult to withdraw from the job when they (and I) suddenly realise how much I am woven into the organisation.  I had not realised that I was relied on quite so deeply.  

Tomorrow I have a further meeting with my business partner and gradually it dawns on me that we have come along way with this project since it was kicked into life in 2007.  Back then I was only reviewing the documents as a peer but later I produced much of the operational and financial documentation and some of the business plan.  Now we see that documented we can begin to move forward with a bit more confidence.

Not long now - 2nd and 3rd week in June we should get a march on and get the business rolling.  Goodness knows we have done enough work already and then I hope I can be free of the charity work for a while to let me run up to July and my operation and whatever that holds for me.

Holidays - no one has made up their minds and this volcanic ash cloud keeps the threat of dealyas and cancellations.  A has a holiday booked in June so I hope it doesn't affect her plans.  I wait to see whether we will have a holiday or not this year.  As luck would have it my replacement arrives in the week that Mrs. F. and the girls are going away - I should have been with them - but have to hand over my job to my successor and that I have a series of meetings planned.  Typical!!  Mind you I did ask them months ago to give me the dates and they only gave them to me last week so that may be the problem.  A week on my own won't be too sad though - I quite like spending a bit of time on my own.

Melancholy

That is what it is Melancholy.  I feel very much that at the moment.  I say that as someone reported on my health to our Lodge yesterday and it suddenly made me sit up and listen to how other people receive, perceive, interpret and pass on that information.  It was pretty accurate in terms of what was going on and it was interesting to hear the words "set back" and "not as serious as first thought" and so on but at the end of the day, it did set me back and inevitably I am now getting the blues about it.

Everything is changing and I found out that I'm not the happy chappy I like to think I am just before I go into Hospital.  I thought I kept myself to myself but obviously I become a bit of a snappy chappy not a happy chappy....  I'd better watch out for that in the future I suppose.

Inevitably though - I'm reminded that I've got this thing that may or may not bring back cancer to my bladder and that is very disturbing indeed.  July will sort that out I suppose and I'll just have to get on with whatever comes about from that.  

So for the moment with leaving work behind and all that jazz and then starting my new business everything is a bit up and down.  

Better this morning

Thank goodness.  Blimey I got to near my 50s and my body has decided to fall apart on me :-)

Crazy stuff, a cut just on the entry to my ear is what it is.  I have no idea how I did it perhaps a fingernail but whatever it isn't inner ear but obviously was enough trauma to affect my balance.

Anyway - Lodge meeting today - then almost the Summer off.  Another meeting coming up later in the week followed by my last big meeting as Secretary in 4 weeks time.  Today I get to see one of my candidates complete his journey and I do a bit of work and provide the other one with his certificate. 

The stupid bank that I am a signatory for thinks I am a new customer - even though I've banked with them for in excess of 10 years their records don't show me.  What?????  Bunch of useless pratts no wonder the world went into melt down if they've been honouring the cheques I have been signing for 10 years but don't recognise me in their records.  You couldn't make it up.  So I've sent one of "my letters" which points out how many accounts I have with them, how many times I've been in to branch and that they might like to open the file up to see who I might be.  Ridiculous waste of time and effort.  Is it me or the word full of people who take no responsibility and have no common sense whatsoever.  They should be slapped hard until they come to their senses god for nothing jobs-worths.  

I'm still not happy about my letter from the Hospital - it paints dark clouds for me.  Maybe it is just the way that it is there in black and white so you can't get away from what is says?  I need to get my head around it pretty damn quickly though and move on.

Dizzy, I'm so Dizzy

My head is spindling, etc etc etc.  Enough of the 60s songs.

Well, what a strange day - I feel quite light headed and ever so slightly off balance (my friends know I'm out of balance most of the time anyway).  No more ear bleeding thank goodness.  I'd quite forgotten how it feels when your ears start playing up.  It's like having a mild form of seasickness all the time.

Off to bed to see if I can get a good night's rest.

Oh no what's happening now?

Was at a meeting in London - all the great and good were there - I am an honoured guest and suddenly, I put my gloved hand to my ear and as I pull it away it is bright red with blood from my ear!!!!!

ARRRGGGGHHH !!!! What is that I wonder.  So smack in the middle of the meeting I have to make tracks and take myself to the first aid man to get some bandages etc.  I've got an ear bleed like you'd have a nose bleed.  It is flowing out nicely for about an hour and then as fast as it started it stops?  What a nightmare.  I look a right idiot having to get up in the meeting.  Those local to me see my red blood stained gloves and recognise that something is awry.  Word spreads but goodness me what on earth just happened?  I've had ear problems all my life but never had an ear bleed.  Yuk...

My mate who has been giving me grief for weeks if not months has a job to go to next week.  It is hard work but I know he will do well at it.  Does this mean that Flcoky and I will get an easier time?  I hope so.

I have my detailed letter from the Hospital and it doesn't make god reading to me but it states I have a small recurrence which is a G2pTa.  Where before I had a G3pTa bladder TCC and CIS.  The worry is "If he continues to get recurrences he may require some more invasive treatment in the future".  Oh bollocks.... We did discuss this.  

Here I am back to the months after I started the first time.  Today's episode just shows what bad shape I am in.  I'm mortified for the moment and need to come to terms with it once again.  When it is in writing it just looks so much worse than what I thought it was and what it probably is!

Bad news is - at this moment - I'm really quite down about it and that is just because I've had a good evening and  arrived to find this here.

Ha somebody doesn't get that I'm leaving the organisation

So funny.  I  asked for input to a document and got a load of old tosh back that I'd already condemned.  I am going to have a bit of fun and ask them to rework it and that when I get back next week it had better be ready....

I have had a busy day clearing the files and getting things finished and for the last time have sat here and stuffed well over 130 envelopes with Summons, dining slips, minutes, notices and all that gumpf plus sealed them, written letters, affixed stamps, emailed hundreds of others and so on.

That is about the end of it now and I retire as Secretary at the June meeting and can at last relax and enjoy myself and not have hours of sorting stuff out.  Six years is enough and of course for 4 of them I wasn't particularly well either.

I'm trying to sort out my diary so as not to be in the office too much at all between now and when the new guy starts.  I also need to set a reasonable rate to ensure that I am used sparingly and not used too much because it is cheap to do so.  I can bring that in to play when I have given the new guy a couple of days handover in June.

The new venture is starting to gain pace as we head towards what we are calling 'boot camp' where we intend to spend about three days locked away to develop our business strategy and go to market models.  We have two years of work behind us already that we need to review before then.  

I'm feeling very positive about things at the moment and slowly the diet is changing and I feel that I am also beginning to spend the right levels of energy on things now.  I just need to get some discipline into my working to ensure that I actually start aligning effort and achievement.  Most important. 

Work followed by a meeting tomorrow up in London.  London is fun at the moment as there are hundreds of elephants everywhere.  The one in Coutts Bank is covered in pearls and jewels and they are on the South Bank, Covent Garden and just about anywhere you care to look.  It is all about protecting / saving Asian elephants.  London is a great place to work - sometimes.....

Confirmation of my replacement at work

Great - 1st June start which I thought would happen.  It looks good as I can set him off and just keep an eye on things as they transpire.

I need to get away from the clawing pull of work and get on to my own thing.  That is really beginning to take a hold now.  I need to give it a proper run though as it is my money and my time going into it.  I wonder what things will be like this time next year?  

I continue to make gradual changes to my lifestyle and slowly change my diet.  I've been burnt in the past with too much change too quickly.  I hope that these together with a more disciplined working life and exercise (there I said it) will start to turn my lethargy around.  I am certain that the new work arrangements will make a difference - I'm certain of it in fact.

A couple of days off work and back on Thursday and off on Friday.  

How People Treat You

I've visited this subject before but I was thinking how much things have changed with my family probably more than other areas.  I had the shakedown of my friends almost 4 years ago now as some stepped up to the plate and other faded into the distance.

My family have been great really but that has been practical help and probably putting up with me when I haven't been that great myself.  Kudos to them but recently, because we never did discuss what the hell was wrong with me - they treat me like my Doctor treats me.  They see the illness in terms of black and white and miss out (probably rightly so) on the way it plays with your mind.  But that matter of fact remoteness which is pretty useful I imagine for them to deal with things means that I just happen to be another person in the house.  We dance around each other and then when we get a social event no one really bothered with me apart from me buying the drinks!  Really!  The girls have friends of their own and Mrs. F. was extremely busy chatting to everyone else so I spent quite a bit of the evening on my own sipping beer.  

I'm no great party animal but I can be and usually am fun at these sorts of things but I couldn't exactly amuse myself with my jokes and stories - I've heard them all before.   

I guess I felt I was being treated as some sort of Leper and that is why I wasn't particularly happy.

Well that told them

I did actually say something last night.  I was pretty unimpressed with the way I ended up basically on my own for most of the night.  Unlike me I decided I ought to say something and so did.  You can cut the atmosphere in here today with any kitchen implement you may wish to think of.

It is unlike me to be quite so angry and actually say something about it but I think that it is about time I said it as it is and how I feel.  

D is for Depression

The "D" word again.  I find that I'm upset by things I shouldn't be.  Surely those who are close to me now understand or being to understand the problems and trauma I live with?

Well, NO, they don't they blinkerdly piss me off regularly and all I really want is a moment or two of recognition of the agony and turmoil that I go through daily, hourly and I suppose most of my time.

I'm too much of a gentleman to actually say what is wrong.  I try and be blunt but actually I'm not very good at being an emotional outpouring person  

I need to start telling it as it is.  I'm the one getting hurt after all.  They don't know the damage they do to me.  I had a nice evening this evening but I spoke to a few people for a few seconds.  I spent the whole night on my own otherwise...... 

Slowly aligning to the new role

We have to start somewhere is the cry.  Indeed we do.  I need to get into reverse and get out of the office ASAP and start to set myself ready for starting with the new venture. 

It needs my full attention and my full time effort to ensure that I can make as good a go as possible of it.  Ultimately I need to get a lot (and I mean a lot) of finance to make it work and you can't do that in an amateur and part time fashion.  If I've learnt anything in the last two years doing it part time it is that.  Last night's meeting was funny when I explained why we needed to go full time.  "Why?" said one - "well, it took three weeks to arrange this meeting - isn't that a clue?"

I also reminded them that we had agreed to go and get finance by the end of June and that this was the first time we had met as a team since that time and all of us had a good reason or excuse but that it was close to half a year lost!  That's why it needs to be a full time effort.  No one realises or quite gets the scale of the proposition.

Anyway, exciting times to come I guess.   Off tonight to an 18th Birthday party - that will be fun.  L and her friend have new shoes.  So new and so steep are they that we have to drive them to and from the event when it is easily within walking distance!!!  It should be fun.

And so to business

We had a constructive meeting but not particularly a good one I felt tonight as one of the guys arrived late and so the conversation was a bit stilted.  However, enough progress was made to go forward.  We headed off to the Texas Embassy eating house near Trafalgar Square.  It was OK and I suppose I can at least say that I have been there.  If you like chillies with everything then this is your place.   I have to say that I can still taste the damn things.

A came and picked me up from the station as my shoes were rubbing a bit.  Not surprising I suppose as I have been on my feet a lot today.

I am feeling much shirker since I got the news and amazingly, the Hospital emailed me with a list of dates to have my operation.  That actually disturbed me a bit but perhaps the message about giving me advancce notice has gotten through.   Now we are checking our dates and I feel that I may choose the 16th July which is a Friday.  That might allow me to get home Friday night and have a weekend recuperation and that I can get working again on the Monday even if it is just at home.

I need to get the discipline of work back and I must ensure I get enough time together to give the new business a chance to survive.

The Morning After

Things seem to be quite good today. A little fragile emotionally - I guess that is relief rather than anything else.

Today is pretty important in terms of the founding of our new business. We meet with our original partners and have to have the "adult" conversation which revolves around us breaking away and making this happen (or not) and that is an option it could all be wasted time. They need to let us know what they are thinking and what - if anything - they want out of it. My business partner and I are now taking all the risks and we are the ones investing money, time and intellectual property on a full time basis.

I hope that they consider fully what our risks are as they are both in full time extremely well paid employment. For us it is a double whammy as we aren't earning anything, have to invest in costs to run a business and aren't paying ourselves either so 6 months is more like a year invested. Anyway, that is this afternoon's interesting meeting. I'm sure it will be business like.

So - not having BCG - what a bonus. I suppose as there was only one tiny tumour that it makes sense to check again and if there is a major outbreak then to consider what to do.

That's a Relief

I waited for an hour to see the specialist - an hour!!!!  Why don't they tell you at the time - you could go and get a beer or a cup of tea or something.   

I finally saw the Registrar and he explained that the tiny tumour WAS cancerous, was a Grade 2 so nowhere near what I had before with the 3 and the Carcinoma in Situ.   Then he said that they wanted to see me in July/August for a rigid Cystoscopy so that they could have another look and more biopsies and check once again on progress.   I was very young and had many years of life to go and they wanted to make sure that they kept me under observation - strange words but theirs...  

Relief?  I'll say,  blimey I was expecting Monday morning to be full on and BCGs kicking off once again.  I suppose it was good tactics to think like that and be pleased with the outcome but we also spoke about ongoing stuff and the potential to have a neo bladder (not from the Matrix) installed and all that but he did say that I was FAR away from that scenario.  As long as I didn't have anything nasty in me in July we could review the case again.

No one likes going into hospital - me more than many and yet I feel comfortable that I am getting this level of inspection.  It can't be cheap but if it keeps me alive and kicking then it is worth it.  Until you get to this stage of having cancer ( and I seriously hope you never do)  it sounds horrendous and yet, if it keeps you alive you will be surprised what you will put yourself through.

Septic Peg or Mystic Meg or

Who knows what will happen?

It is late Wednesday Night and the day of Judgement arrives very soon.  In about 11 hours I'll know what is going to happen to me.  I am primed to take a full re run of the BCG treatments, Operations and all that stuff and yet I'll be disappointed if that does happen.  I know I will be just devastated and yet - I know what the probable outcome is - we are strange creatures sometimes.

At the Lodge meeting the wave of goodwill washed over me and that was nice.  Is it only me who doesn't think it is that serious?  I have a healthy regard but I don't fear things as I used to.   I suppose we just heard that one of our members died from cancer in February - not the first in our Lodge by any means but I know that the worst scenario would be loss of bladder and possibly Prostate in the overall scheme of things and either a bag or a bladder made from other body parts - not bladder (where the problems are) bits at all.  That would actually mean no cancer at all but a different sort of life.

the "matter of fact" part is that - I am living with this, I can accept that it is my last option and I hope they don't say that tomorrow (or ever).  

I will have my future read tomorrow - not by some mystic or medium but by my Consultant.  She will give me the usual logical view of the world.  How I choose to deal with the truth will be be as much about my character as what will happen to my dreams and plans with my new business venture which will be an exciting journey whatever happens.  I hope that I live long enough to see some if not all of it fulfilled.

Finally, it is election day tomorrow in the UK.  I cast my votes last week as I am a Postal Voter.  Have been ever since I was called away on business and was unable to vote one year.  I believe that it is your civic duty to do that.  You cannot complain if you didn't vote - you only have yourself to blame and all the other people too lazy to exercise their democratic freedoms this way!!!!!  However, there is a fundamental thing here too.  People died to give me the vote and how dare I disgrace them and their memory by wasting my vote, built on the blood and sacrifice of the generations who have gone before.  I doubt many fought so that you could ignore it but maybe that is what freedom is about after all?

Me?  Well - I just want to get tomorrow out of the way so I can plan my future a bit better.  I do feel more trepidation than normal as I am uncertain what the results will bring.  I steel myself for bad news knowing that good news would really cheer me up.

As Steve Kelley in the US often reminds us - Judgement Day can be filled with great news, not so great news, bad news and worse than bad...  I hope for somewhere in the middle and wish for something a little higher.  Tomorrow is another day.