Didn't go

Well I didn't go and have mixed feelings but I am certain that it is the right decision not to for my own well being rather than anything else.

Met a nice chap last night who seems interested in joining Freemasonry and so had a long chat about it and it was nice to hear someone who finds modern life throws up challenges and was looking for something different which we certainly are. Left him to go take on board all we said about it and see how he feels later - no pressure on him - he can think it through with all the facts.

He was harking on about how petty people can be. A bit like I wonder how or why anyone would want to find my insignificant little blog and then post a spam message on the comment field knowing full well that I would probably kill it off. I'm amazed that people actually spend their time on forums trolling and baiting people and if I'm not mistaken, I'd consider that there is some sort of industrial espionage going on on some of these public discussion sites. I'm looking into an Amazon discussion board having just ordered a Kindle ereader. The discussions are generally quite readable and interesting and then every now and again you can see something that is blatantly wrong. I thought one about some person buying one and losing their eyesight was so bizarre and stupid that everyone would realise it was a troll baiting the group. It was obvious to me that it was someone paid by or employed by a competitor firing off bile in order to rubbish the product. Rather than everyone ignoring it or reporting it they gave it credence by answering it.

So what is my point I hear you ask? Well if these people are acting alone what on earth can their sad little lives be like? If they are getting paid for it, it is a sad indictment on society that anyone should be employing shoddy dirty tricks like this.

I went in to one of my old email accounts yesterday as I hadn't received any emails for some time. A "new improved spam system" meant that many of my emails were locked into the close to 3,600 emails I found in there!! It would have been nice of them to tell me...

Rant over for this morning.

Turning to whether to attend the funeral or not

Tomorrow - well in a way that has all been taken away as our graphics man is turning up tomorrow to do our logos etc. I was talking to a friend of mine today who Flocky Bicep and I bumped into outside Costa Coffee. I was saying how I really don't like attending funerals and I'm not sure that I'm properly equipped. Indeed I heard another of our members died last night at his computer of all things. The medics say he passed away peacefully just sat at his desk.

Both of these guys were quite old (late 80s and 90s) so it is to be expected, they weren't tragic deaths, sad but not due to something other than old age and nature.

However, I think there is always a reminder to me of what I stared at 4 years and 2 months ago. I don't think it is a "fear" of death as such but the fact that you stared into the jaws and pulled back out. It just gets me inward looking and why go there if you don't have to? Both guys will have a god send off - so many people will be there and not having me there won't matter a jot.

Anyway - I didn't even enjoy writing that. I can't easily explain it but I just feel it in the pit of stomach and I'd just be pants at trying to keep it all together - I'd probably be grieving for myself psychologically!

I sound all screwed up and yet I don't think I actually am....

Determined, Angry, Driven

I am really in the driving seat this week. I found the jerk I met last week gave me the necessary energy and strength to kick some butt this week and I made huge progress in some key business areas.

I wish I could bottle all this energy and store it - somehow it drives me on and on and makes me work late and won't let me stop even though I'm tired. I just have lots of drive but I am acutely aware that I have little long term stamina to keep this level of effort up for more than a few weeks!

I need to be very careful about the effort I'm expending. It is all well and good putting this in but I must be aware that I'm not yet fully fit to endure it. I need to work out a reality check point to make sure that I don't overdo it as I am doing right now at close to midnight having been up since 7:30 and working since 8!!!!

Note to self: You know you are doing it - stop when your body tells you to and not when your brain thinks it should. You KNOW it makes sense :-)

A Difficult Decision

A friend died last week and the funeral is this Thursday. I knew him well enough to enjoy his company and I hope he enjoyed mine. We laughed and swapped stories and he was the most interesting of men. He had been treated by the same consultant as me - as I said last week he made me laugh calling her the "Willy Doctor".

I was corresponding with a friend of mine today and suddenly I found myself backing away from wanting to go to the funeral. I've been to a number but only one or two since I've been ill. One was dreadful, my friend's young still born son - I can't even tell you how messed up I felt about that especially as his other kids were around the grave etc. I can only though say that I've found myself backing out of this as I'm not certain that I can actually last the course. A lot of people will be there, he was a very popular figure and I'm sure the place will be rammed full of people. I'm not sure I'd actually be good in a crowded place either come to think of it.

I've been having some terrible dreams both waking and sleeping ones and bad thoughts again these past few weeks. Had some horrible ones about things happening to my kids too. Probably just the normal sorts of things but I've been really funny about things and whilst I can only guess this is the old post traumatic cancer fatigue stuff clicking in again, it does come in waves like this, something sets you off. Your subconscious is a powerful thing and you programme it at your peril.

I can't imagine that going on Thursday will do me any good whatsoever and I suppose in the overall scheme of things it shouldn't but I feel bad not going but know I'd regret going there the way I am.

Actually I've never liked graveyards - ask my mum! Ever since her father's grave stone fell on her leg :-) No really it did!! Also when I was a young Chorister - I had just sung Faure's Requiem Mass with the Choir at Rye Church (someone called it a Cathedral but I doubt it was) - at the interval there was the most enormous thunderstorm and just outside the vestry door in the lightining and thunder was an old flat gravestone with bubbles coming up from it where a puddle had formed over the top. Spooky :-) :-)

I really can't attribute either to my not liking funerals - I mean who likes them? But more so now I tend to get quite overcome with it all and the things is that in the last 4 years or so, death actually does have a different connotation for me than it did before. I'm not saying I stared it in the face but I think I gave it some serious contemplation and was pretty much respectful of the fact that it may be one of my options. I think I talked about walking along a path with many signposts and seeing which one to take. Realising that perhaps it didn't matter which one you took as they may all lead to one destination (which of course is the inevitable journey's end). But then there were other paths and at that time, really early on, I had no idea which one and its branches I'd be travelling along. It's a bit like a giant game of snakes and ladders but sometimes you can make your own luck or get to choose the numbers on the dice to miss the snakes, but not always.

Anyway - that's enough rambling on. I don't think I will go even though a bit of me says I should. If I don't feel up to it mentally what am I trying to prove? I might try and get a moment to myself and perhaps walk up to the local church and have a bit of quiet time and see if that will work it out for me.

System Crashes

What the hell is wrong with software today - three crashes this morning and all whilst I was doing important work too. Word even managed to save my file with nothing in it at all..... What a pants piece of software that is.

I have made a concious effort to get a run at the work I have been drafting for weeks in mindmaps and scraps of paper only to have half a morning's work wiped out through some software glitch. It really is annoying as I now have to do that all over again and I was in a great flow, now I'm just angry and frustrated - not the way I want to be when trying to do some serious business documents.

It feels like a conspiracy because both PCs are playing at it today.

I've been Giving some thought to the post I made about how you feel about coming through the dark periods and things continually getting better but with an ever present threat (Clear and Imminent Danger) of a recurrence of your Cancer. There's a completely new level of stress that exists that I'm aware of and I've never really said much about it. This Cancer is different because whilst you may not have it, you are still constantly observed because it can come back. That to me really is the crux of this. Every time you go see your Specialist there is the very real chance that they'll tell you your Cancer is back. Whilst that diminishes (The Law of Diminishing Returns maybe) it is still there every time you go and see them.

Static Weight

For the third week in a row I am static on the weight loss although I reckon that I should be a couple of pounds lighter as my trousers are noticeably slipping off me these days.

223 Pounds but that is after breakfast as I forgot to go and weigh myself before which I normally do. So perhaps a little less. This week I noticed how much I lost as on Friday I went out and could actually comfortably fit inside my waistcoat - which I haven't been able to wear for well over a year and my trousers of my morning suit were loose too. My jacket could actually be done up as well.

I was most impressed with that! Winning a huge tin of chocolates in the raffle has inserted temptation into the household but I know they will be eaten by the chocolate fairy when I'm not looking so I will get away with just one or two before the tin is empty. I realise that for 2 weeks I haven't actually exercised and I need to get back into the habit again. That's pretty important as I must break the cycle of working into the early hours of the morning. It is a reaction to knowing I have to start really pulling all my research together and getting stuff documented and 3 months in - now is the time to get things really motoring.

However, I need to balance that with exercise and although I am still feeling good and eating well, I need to tackle getting another stone off my weight and sitting on my backside isn't going to do that!

Messing with your brain

I'm struck with the fact that I'm in a good position at the moment and probably wont need to be examined until December or January. I'm also feeling a lot better about myself especially because I have finished having to have operations that knock me about and also that affect my mobility.

I do however get some horrid thoughts occasionally and not all my dreams are nice. The worst stuff is actually not to do directly with me as such. I think I have pretty much resigned myself to whatever cards I am going to be dealt with now. I am wary that I am clear at the moment but that there is a distinct possibility that my cancer will recur. No it isn't that and it isn't the fact that it may be more severe as there is also a way out of that. I do worry if it does recur that I will have to have more operations and more treatments and these are challenging things without doubt.

I tend to be more concerned about or dream or think about how other people think about me and the way I am. For example some people don't "get it" that I am funding myself to try and get this venture off of the ground. They probably see a massive risk and yet I don't see that. I see that it is doing something that needs to be done, a journey that needs to be taken and a challenge that needs to be set and tested. If it goes wrong and doesn't work then I will have at least given it a go and will have some regret if it doesn't work but it wont be the end of the world as we know it.

In working for the charity for the last 2 and a bit years, I've satisfied some part of me that needed to give something back. I have no idea if it runs as deep as being thankful for being alive or it was a survival mechanism realising that I wasn't fit enough to return to the high octane life I led before cancer.

I also get some very dark and nasty stuff going on in my brain about how things will turn out. I see some disintegration of my current way of life. In a way, there's a willingness to perhaps chuck it all in and go live somewhere with a simple life, doing simple everyday things and just enjoying life. The trouble is that perhaps only I would be the person wanting to do that. Ambition is still there and the want to do things but there is also a nagging to drop everything I'm involved in and just go on and enjoy my life, in my way and satisfy myself. I doubt that would happen though but never say never.

Off out for the afternoon and evening

It is the first meeting of the season for me and I am off with Flocky Bicep to Surrey where we are guests of one of the Lodges there. I'm no longer an official guest but got an invite "for old times sake" which is nice. I am looking forward to it as there is a re-enactment of a 1795 ceremony and I haven't seen one of those in years.

On a down note, an old friend died on Tuesday night and we just heard today. He was in his 90s and I've known him for about 25 years. He was the one who coined the phrase about my Consultant (whom he was also variously under treatment for various things) as the "Willy Doctor". He was a gentle man a real one, the type you don't meet very often. He was active right up until last year. I am quite proud being appointed as his successor as Chaplain of two of the Lodges he was Chaplain for after he became ill. It is a sad day for everyone who knew him. He had a long and fulfilling life and I'm lucky to have known him.

I have no doubt that his funeral next week will be over subscribed.

Did I get to bed early last night? No of course not there was bound to be something that kept me up!! When will I ever learn. At least tonight I should be able to get home and just go to bed... That's the plan.

Great News from Across the Pond

Indeed great news as Steve K has had a further clear following a flexible scope and now has a further 3 BCG Immunotherapy sessions to come starting next week on a weekly basis.

The anxiety you go through just before these regular check ups is difficult to describe. The last thing you want to hear is you've had a recurrence - even a little one like mine! So it continues to be good news and I'm delighted for him as possibly only a fellow sufferer can be. you wouldn't wish it onto anyone else.

I have decided that I WILL GO TO BED EARLY tonight. I need to stop my brain spinning with all this business stuff somehow.

Must stop doing the night shift

I ended up getting to bed at 1:45 in the morning such was the need to get on and do more research on what this guy had said to me yesterday. As it was I think we realised that this guy was one of those "corporate" types who had a lot of senior level experience and who used an almost intimidatory manner to talk down to people.

He will not feature in our team as their is no "I" in team etc. Certainly both of us coming from Cororate backgrounds (which he knew) didn't take to him at all.

Anyway, it made me do some reality checks which is no bad thing I suppose.

I'm off out tomorrow to my first Masonic meeting of the new season. It should be nice I hope to get out and about and not to be doing anything this year! well apart from being the Treasurer that is.

Customer Service

Railways. We get half way in to London and the relief crew aren't there so we wait, wait, wait and then they cancel the train and we all have to get out - outside the station another train is queuing. We get on that but it can't go because there's some train ahead on the tracks (our previous one) waiting to get into the sidings. This is just utter bollocks guys. What kind of business could run that way? 40 minutes late - 40 minutes and I decided to take the slow train for a bit of scenery as I was early!!!!

A friend was sharing the journey with me which was kind of OK but he has some issues at the moment and I had to be civil and talk through it with him - well listen to him. And so I didn't mention to him that I was meeting some other friends for lunch as - basically - he is strapped for cash but eventually I had to tell him and it was embarrassing all around.

My business partner and I then headed off for a meeting with a guy who we thought might be useful to our business progress. He was but not in the way I felt he may have been - it was an uncomfortable ride. I had to go for a beer afterwards and my friend needed a trio of coffees. I can't say that I enjoy confrontational people and this guys was being awkward (that's such a difficult word to spell) on purpose and that was meant to push us and make us react. Interestingly we weren't going for it but it was interesting as there were a few interesting things that he said and did which were give aways that it was an act. Things like he had actually read what we sent as we heard some of our hard worked and hard won phrases played to us and we hadn't mentioned them. We learnt loads - but I'm not certain I could work with this guy on anything more than a dragon's den scenario.

Thank goodness for a lift home - I was emotionally drained by the first travelling conversation and then the adrenaline from the second meeting made me tired - got back ate something and got back on the straight and narrow. Will need some sleep tonight to sort out what all that meant this afternoon :-)

Steve is scheduled for Judgement Day on Thursday (tomorrow) not today as I originally thought. Positive thoughts for the right result....

A Grrrrrr Moment

Earlier today - you can't believe how tedious and little some people can be. Or at least I can't - I have a very very very low threshold for stupidity, jobs-worths and other petty minded oxygen wasters. It was a shame that I wasn't actually "there" but I thought my email of "done" was pretty good and about the shortest email I've ever written.

I was out late last night and I am out tonight again and Wednesday and Friday!!!! This week looks pretty bad for trying to lose weight or just about do anything else really.

However, tomorrow, I need all your fingers, arms, legs, toes and anything else you can cross together with positive vibes and prayers and everything else because it is Judgement Day for Steve over in the USA.

Thoughts too for the family in New Zealand who are still getting powerful aftershocks of up to 5 on the Richter Scale with a 6.0 predicted soon. Having only lived through what I thought was an earthquake (it was a tunnelling machine working under a building in Milan) I can quite understand the apprehension and worry of the real thing. The funny bit about Milan? I was the only one in the office who didn't know what was going on having flown in for a meeting. Suddenly in the 6th floor board room the whole place started vibrating badly. I said should we get under the desk or go outside which proved very amusing to my Italian hosts...... However, it was here that I heard for the first time the phrase "No Problemo" and that made my day - bless you Arnie!! Perhaps Arnie can help me with my Anger Management problem above? "I'll be back!"

Lifelites Promotional Film

I was with the CEO of Lifelites yesterday - here is a video of the great work they do in Children's Hospices in the UK. I'm really pleased one of my ex-customers has agreed to sponsor them to the tune of £5,000 this year. They need all the cash they can get of course. if you know of a Trust that is predisposed to give to children's charities - perhaps this one may warrant their attention? They are always looking for corporate sponsorship too so - don't be shy.

Tired out

Not surprising as I got home about 11 last night - or was it later? I can't exactly remember. One of "those" nights. Went out for a drink after work and it ended up being a bit of a session. Luckily it was Monday so no crowded trains or much else to worry about and daughter kindly came and got me from the station which was good as it was pretty miserable weather.

Not sure what I was thinking but I really didn't need that and it was a spur of the moment thing, I was actually coming home early until then :-)

This morning, I'm pretty tired I have to say - not a great thing when I am also due out tonight for a beer with my school chums too.

Weight

Mmm, well yes - no movement this week, not surprising I suppose given that I haven't exercised since my escapade of lifting a shed - what was I thinking :-)

So that is OK - it just means that I MUST get back to exercise this week and also, I am guessing the large meal on Thursday and an impromptu beer and a curry on Saturday night didn't actually help. L was up at Hyde Park doing the Women's 5K challenge along with tens of thousands of others. This time she was running for a Children's Leukaemia Charity. She even saw herself on national TV which emitted a squeak of delight. I'm please that the girls are embracing doing something for charity. The bonus must be to enjoy doing it.

Thoughts this week must turn to Steve K in the US who has had a long period off from the attentions of the doctors but needs to go for a poke and peek this week. So everyone, concerted effort for positive vibes for Wednesday for a positive outcome - a positive outcome being a negative showing - which is a long winded way of saying that we all hope, wish and pray for a clear inspection.

I have a busy old week this week, I am up to London tomorrow and Wednesday and then off to Guildford on Friday. The business venture now becomes more intense as we have gone over halfway. We now need to "step up to the plate" and really accelerate our efforts.

I was listening to some music over the weekend and I'll leave this blog entry with this rather nice piece of music.

New Zealand

An Earthquake - they didn't tell me they had those there - apparently they get circa 20,000 a year but not normally noticeable - like Iceland then. Good news is that the family are shaken and stirred but all alive and well. Luckily for a 7.0 no one was killed, a couple of serious injuries. Glad that they are all well, interesting that "totally powerless to help the children" in the middle of it was one of their comments. Nature actually IS Awesome (please note kids and people who use that word) Awesome power is Earthquakes and is not to be used for the latest gadget, for goodness sake :-)

So - it is Saturday - I promised myself not to be sitting here and not to be doing work - I now pronounce judgement on myself "FAILURE!!!!" :-)

Hopefully my Nephew will come over and buy me a beer this afternoon. That will be nice.

Week over

Thank goodness this week is out of the way. The dustmen told us they were coming Saturday, they put it on the web site too (as Monday was a holiday) and they turned up today, a day early and didn't collect anything as we hadn't put it out. At times like this I often wonder "Is it me?" The simplest of things isn't it - someone must have worked out that everything would be a day late, they published that but didn't tell the guys who do the work who have probably wondered why no one has put anything out for them and got away with the fastest round ever.

It makes you surprised that more things like this happen. A bit like my train with the heating on during a lovely summer day? These people walk amongst us - it's terrifying that they are completely inept at their jobs so what are they like left in the wild. Bring back natural selection or de-selection in their cases!

I had a "funny moment" earlier on today. It happens occasionally and it was the of the morbid kind, about how close it had been and what would have happened if things had been slightly different or they hadn't caught it quite when they did. These sort of day dream moments aren't that common but they can pull you up with a bit of a shock. I think, it had something to do with seeing some photographs of my girls when they were younger and recollecting some of those "great moments" that only children can bring, looking back they are just wonderful and joyful memories and treasured moments. Things like their excitement at telling you what they had been up to, showing you a picture carefully crafted at school just for you, throwing themselves at you, giving you a surprise cuddle and all that sort of thing.

It is in those moments that the enormity of what I've been through sinks in and also, in a bizarre twist of fate way, the agonies they have had to endure and the fear that they (although they have never said it directly) had when everyone knew what I had. The girls were only 16 and 12 at that time.

So, one to watch out for, it has to happen, you need to rationalise sometimes but you can't keep the reality of your situation suppressed all the time.

I'm reading a blog at the moment where things have started to get pretty much into the serious situation. A year is the prognosis. This after many years of up and down problems. The blog is a useful reminder to me that "there but by the grace of God go I" and I try and remind myself how lucky I am that things are like they are, under some control.

I was also reflecting on how much happier I have been recently. I am surprised how much lighter I feel now that the threat of full blown operations has been lifted. I must go and see my optician and my dentist. Another waking dream is when they ask me why I haven't been along and the answer goes along the lines of - "Well, I wasn't sure if I was going to be alive long enough for new glasses / fillings etc and thought I'd save the money!"

I enjoyed watching Avatar again tonight. That takes you off somewhere else for a short while and has just set me up for a nice pleasant weekend. I hope not to be doing any heavy work. I have only just recovered from the shed lifting from last week.

Do I miss going to London?

No.

It was a typical journey - the heater on the train was on - blasting hot air into the carriage. The usual walk into work, the usual people doing their usual jobs. "When were you last here?" they asked - "I think it was 8 weeks ago!" I replied and nothing changes, things go on as they ever did. I managed to spook my opposite number by showing him the Wiki I had built. We have almost completed our project and they are only about a quarter of the way through theirs. I enjoy a gloat and spent some time savouring the moment.

We did our business and I went on to the Lunchtimers meeting and took the Chair as Vice Chairman with the Chairman absent - that was my job. If voted in at the November meeting I will be lucky enough to preside, next September at the 100th meeting.

I am back up to London on Monday and Wednesday first for charity business and then our new venture on Wednesday. Hopefully the guy we are going to meet will be able to work with us to raise sufficient funding for us to get off the ground and go forward. Exciting times...

Jazz and Beer - but not too much

I'm out tonight for some Old Speckled Hen beer and the Jazz evening. I don't know about you but I enjoy live music? What I cannot abide is why so many people just talk over the top of such great musicianship. I was a pretty handy trumpet player in my day and not bad at guitar but no rock star and I know how long I practised and how difficult it was - for me. Many people are, I suppose, more gifted and perhaps find it easier to play but they shouldn't be talked over when playing.

A lot of people probably treat it as a social but do what I do, speak between songs.

Anyway, I'm sure I will enjoy it.

No exercise for a few days - lifting that shed has seized me up a bit so I'm walking rather than getting on to the exercise machine. It just feels a little gentler to do that and I don't want to injure myself or go on the machine until I feel fit enough not to damage some area that is weak or recovering.

London and work in the morning and pleasure in the afternoon tomorrow. A morning preparing for the committee meeting next Monday and then to Lunchtimers for a relaxing lunch and afternoon. As no one wants to go out in the evening, I will dash off early and miss the traffic. Looking forward to this one as I will act as Chairman. I become Chairman in November but having already done 3 meetings this year standing in I should know what to do during my year in office.

A Day Without the Internet

is just a pretty bad day. As only I can, I decided to update my router to see if I could stop it dropping out as it is prone to do recently. Easy enough, you back up your existing situation, download the firmware bin file upload it to the router, reboot the router and



Nothing! Bloody great. So roll back to the previous back up, the one it asked you to make and it then finds it is corrupted!!! Great, so all day long at regular intervals I've been restarting the router and reconfiguring it, rebooting the cable box (5 minutes a go) and so on until this evening then suddenly off it went and everything came back as if by magic.....

I really feel tight after lifting up the shed at the weekend. Getting up and down with the router added to the pain too:-)