Juicing

Well it is an acquired taste I have to say.  I remember this from last time.  You need to slowly work your way into the heavier - and much better for you - green vegetables.  The rule of thumb appears to be in this case no more than 25% of your juice should be green.  You should use a base like Celery, Carrots, Cucumber / Courgette or Apples = something neutral.  The greens are quite heavy in taste and can make you gag a bit if you try them without anything else.


So I've got a huge box of Bramley Apples which I am using along with Celery and Carrots.  I have had a little green additions mainly Brussel Sprouts and Tops.  Have not tried anything heavier yet but have Cabbage, Asparagus and Lettuce as well.  I will slowly try and work through that.


Impressed with the ability of the machine to make Peanut (and other) Butter.  I takes a little getting used to but should be interesting in the future.  You don't need to add anything at all and it tastes very nice.


I am using the Juicer 2 or 3 times a day at the moment and it is most impressive.  Because it doesn't take too long to clean it means that you can.  My old one used to take about 10 minutes to break down and clean.

Wiped out the vegetables

I managed to decimate the fridge earlier and necessitated extra supplies being needed on the vegetable and fruit front.  We have plenty of Bramley Apples from last year's bumper crop stored in the garage so that's good for me as they make a nice basic base juice to add things to.  I've experimented with a number of vegetables so far and the girls have brought in new ones including Asparagus so that I can really get cracking using my Juicer.  I did a pint of juice today it was Apple, Orange, Celery, Brussel Sprouts and Sprout tops and half a red pepper.  I had to drink it slowly as it was quite pulpy and of course you can't just throw back a pint of juice, so it took about 30 minutes to slowly drink through it.  So far so good, I can't say I feel any noticeable difference yet but I've almost become vegetarian and the last meat that I ate must have been three days ago now.  I'm certainly hoping that added to a bit of exercise and modifying the remainder of my diet will lead to some weight loss but also to a greater feeling of well being.  It just needs to be gradually built up.


Dad had his appointment with the Hospital - they thought he looked well and had responded well to the treatment and the operation.  I've suggested that Mum can have my juicer when I next go up (the old one) so she can use that if it becomes necessary later on.  Dad seems to be doing OK and has even put on a little weight now that we aren't poisoning him with the wrong foods bless him.


The roofers came today and I'm waiting for emails and quotes so I can get that resolved as soon as practically possible.  If it is within budget I can give the go ahead but it may be a lot more than we think as they will need to put up a scaffold to reach it and complete it properly and safely!


I had to adjust the Tarpaulin a couple of times by myself today which was adventurous in the high winds which, thank goodness, have now subsided.  It isn't going to rain either which is also a bonus.

Another Storm Moving in

Tonight and we had to refit the Tarp to the roof but not sure if it will hold on any longer if it gets bad.   I had a closer look at the damage and we might even get more as the Ridge tiles have all shifted and rolled down and some must be loose.  Oh well, let's hope it isn't so bad.


My juicer arrived this morning - pretty impressed as I got an email and a text saying that it would be with me between a 1 hour slot and it was.  Nice delivery man too.  The Juicer is just amazing compared to my old centrifuge one and works a treat.  After we came in from fixing the Tarp I did the frozen banana trick - you process them through the Juicer with a blank screen and it turns out like the most wonderful ice cream (I suppose it really is a Banana Sorbet).  However, everyone first turned their noses up when they saw it coming out of the Juicer but when they tasted it - well - everyone is won over.  Which pleases me as if they like it then it is likely to get used a lot.  I've started doing some juicing and done about a pint so far.  You should do more it says but I will build up gradually to that.  I can see my vegetable and fruit consumption going up through the roof though.  No bad thing of course.

Not Quite The Start Hoped For

Overnight we had some serious gales hit us and we awoke to find some roof tiles in the garden.  What we found when we got outside wasn't just the odd roof tile but a whole load of destruction at the ridge tiles from the top of our 2 storey house had crashed down onto the extension roof smashing that up and breaking the tiles exposing the inner sections and water had entered there and had wet the ceiling.  the insurance companies were stretched to maximum and we could hardly get through and it took all day - all day when I had planned other activities!  Luckily A and her boyfriend rigged up a tarpaulin to keep off the worst of the rain which was squally and horrible and we now have the go ahead to get things fixed if within a reasonable amount of money but I need to get a couple of quotes to achieve this.


That's a load more time I don't need to be spending doing this but there you go - it needs to get fixed and fixed quickly.


I hope that my juicer will arrive tomorrow so that I can start to bring in life style changes over time and to get used to (once again) juicing to get nutrients in.  You have to be very careful as I recollect from last time that you do things gradually and don't try and shock your body by thrusting half a gallon of green juice down your neck on the first day - it will lead to tears.  Slowly, slowly is the mantra here - small amounts to start with, not too much of the heavy green juices just introduce them gradually.  Unfortunately I still have loads of stuff left over from Christmas so I need to be demolishing that lot too before it goes off (I hate waste).


My dad has to go see his doctor in a week or two to sort out his potentially high blood sugar levels.  things have eased off a bit at the moment and he goes to see his surgeon for an out patients appointment on Thursday - we will probably find out a little more then but he has healed up well it is just this balance and blood sugar problem we now have to deal with.


So the year has been a bit of a rocky start with the roof damage - thank goodness it wasn't the car as a handful of tiles dropped from 5 or 6 metres onto my car would have been pretty damn messy especially working out liability....  As it is, it looks like a small battlefield everywhere at the moment with small branches all over the road, trees felled, dustbins and other things dislodged - what a mess.  

Wicked - was well.. Totally Wicked

It was very nice - apart from the wee little panic attack as I got into the Apollo Theatre and the tiny bathrooms and crowds - yuk!  Nearly walked out but toughed it through - found the auditorium toilet - even that was horribly small and congested but managed to tough it out and got back to seat which wasn't the most comfortable and just breathed properly and concentrated on getting settled.  That done the show was OK and it was al-right but somehow it was somewhat predictable (in only the way a West End London show can be).   By that I mean it was well produced (although they did have a technical problem that delayed things by 5 minutes or so) and the singing was good but it was a contrived plot and stretched things a bit but there you go, you can't have everything.


It certainly didn't deserve the Standing Ovation some gave it but of course once some dumb ass gets up at the front and you can't see the stage everyone has to get up.


Had some fun on the way home.  A and I were in the lead and got to the station to find our train going in 4 or 5 minutes but it was at the far end of the platform so we had a bit of a slow trot then did a sprint just as a laugh but when we looked around we had caused everyone to start running down the platform after us so we couldn't stop - when we got to the train there must have been loads of out of breath people wondering why they'd dashed for the train as it didn't go out for another 3 or 4 minutes :-)  


Anyway, it was a lovely night out...  The girls arranged it and it IS nice to get out as a family every now and then.

23 1/2 Hours

Without doubt the best things you can do for yourself include exercise.  This video - around 9 1/2 minutes long takes some interesting facts and asks you a very important question: 

Sleep Patterns

Not been good these past three or four weeks - it is 00:35 and I'm wide awake and feel up to working for a couple of hours still.  I realise that I need to get some sort of pattern returned to get things to normal and part of my lifestyle changes are to get regular sleep and enough of it.  There are a number of things that need to change but it can't happen atomically, it will have to evolve, too often I've changed everything overnight and that just isn't sustainable.  Dietary changes will involve far more than a one off correction as the shock of going towards a more "raw" diet cannot be imposed on your body just like that you need to gradually grow into it.


I figure that it will take me one to two months to ease in properly to a point where I will be pulling all the strands together including diet, exercise, regular habits including sleeping properly etc.  I really want to be in a position to bring in improvements and see if I can maintain this into the year and start to see results.  My weight of course but also my well being and by that I mean my head as well as my body - I find that I dislike myself a fair bit and that's for all sorts of reasons.  I'm trying desperately to stop looking back and regretting but I find myself occasionally beating myself up for stuff that whilst I may regret it, I know I cannot go back and change it, I can only change the now.


Tomorrow is a family outing, the girls have bought us tickets to see Wicked  which I am very much looking forward to.  As it is a Bank Holiday tomorrow (well today) the trains are a bit few and far between but that's OK we will just get there a little earlier than normal.  


I spoke to my mum this morning and they had a good New Year's Eve and went to my Niece's place not far from them.  She did very well which is nice to hear.  Unfortunately, I don't see eye to eye with my niece either :-(  Bit of a shame really but after spending a lot of time and money to assist and finance her through education I found that it wasn't appreciated and we fell out.  I do have a very specific threshold for having the piss taken out of me and once you've over stepped the mark, well.... You've over stepped the mark and there isn't much of a way back.  Very few make it back into the sphere if they've had me over in some way or play me as stupid.  I hate stupidity and worse than that I hate it when people think I'm stupid, gullible or a push over.  I have a  very open and helpful spirit, I will try my utmost but once it goes to taking advantage of me or going beyond decency then the drawbridge comes up and you don't get in again.  I would hate to be on the wrong side of me.  Up come the defences and I will acknowledge you but don't think anything or any quarter will ever be given again.  I find it worse that other people are taken in by this particular charade but I do have to accept that I may be completely wrong about things and that they need to find out themselves.  


I've been wounded but no more, the damage is done.  As long as that is where it stops then that is fine.  For my part, I just don't get involved or take any part in the charade any more.  


So what else troubles me?  Without doubt it is my dad and what is going to happen.  There's an inevitability about it and that's true with us all, we are all going to die, perhaps we don't see it or block it out but in my dad's case he's looking straight down the barrel on it.  I remember thinking to myself about this when I was awaiting diagnosis - I was pretty sure that I'd die to start with but then got far more positive even before diagnosis.  I was worried about all the stuff I'd leave undone and how much time I'd have and what I'd do with that time.  Dad I guess has done pretty much what he wanted to do and his retirement was one of country living, pottering around in the garden, going to local attractions (gardens and the like) but holidays had long ago disappeared.  So in a way, I wonder what he would want to do with the time left and basically, it is nothing, just waiting around really.  I find that sad and in fact in the last few weeks, I've looked at how cruel ageing is.  I see friends of mine with sharp minds (like dad) who find they can hardly hold their hands still or find that they are having difficulty driving or enjoying the active lives they once had and age creeps up and makes us deaf and makes our eye sight poor, ridicules us and our once fit and active bodies start to give up on us.


Well, I'm rambling now and so will pack it in but one of the things I now feel is that there ought to be some way of being able to grow old gracefully and without trapping a great mind inside a shell that deteriorates around it. 

2012 Olympic Year

Here we go then, Olympics this year in London - should be good - apart from, along with many others, we didn't get tickets and we live here and paid for some of it too.  Oh well, with any luck we can share some of the excitement and the atmosphere.


I'm beginning to see a pattern emerging this year already and it is only day one.  There are going to be some major changes and major events this year.  We were pleased to hear that one of our friends has been made an MBE in the Queen's Honours this year.  It is well deserved and a little overdue really but there you have it - what an achievement!


I've spent the day sending out subscriptions notices to members and the first shock is that someone has resigned after receiving the notice - it wouldn't surprise me if there were a few more.


The BBC are sending out doom and gloom stuff and it's only the 1st January, you'd have thought that they could at least try and start 2012 off positively but not them, they make Attila the Hun look moderately conservative.  It is a shame that such a renowned institution should have become the purveyor of rumour (not news) and to have a set agenda dumping truth in the process for more subscribers who, from the looks of it, can barely read and write. 

Happy New Year - absolutely

2012 here we come and roll it on as it must hold the answer to a number of questions that this year posed:

1. Dad - conclusion - I guess - of his Pancreatic Cancer journey.  It will be a sad time I'm sure but one that will define 2012 for me and the family.
2. Will we, won't we get finance to proceed with our grand design to make the Internet available to everyone regardless of ability to pay and free from complexity so everyone can benefit.  A high ideal, well thought through and that would bring major social change surely deserves an injection of cash to take its next step.
3. Health - let's hope that I continue to remain clear and don't need any further treatments.  I intend to change my lifestyle and ratchet it up a notch or two (see below) and I intend to get back into being healthier and to slowly get the exercise levels back up to a high level remembering that my back needs special consideration - moderation and slow build up is required, you can't lose a stone a week!  If only you could :-)
4. Family - not sure about this one - feeling more remote from them all but that's because they are almost fledged and flown the nest - nice when they are here but they are no longer children and so relationships are changing and evolving.  Not sure if everyone is evolving and changing at the same pace or in the same direction.  I fear that I will use my work to remote myself.
5. Wider family - my brother and I used to be close but not so much these days, it isn't malevolent of anything like that - we just don't share anything in common apart from our blood.  Not having anything in common that way is difficult and in addition distance doesn't help much either.  I suppose I ought to try and maintain contact and see if it gets better and not do anything to erode it.

I have invested in a Masticating Juicer today as my old centrifugal one was a pain to clean and it never really delivered good results.  I've purchased an Omega 8004 which after some in-depth research appears to deliver the goods.  I'm going to attempt to get more raw vegetables and fruit into my diet and to continue the Flax Seed Oil, Flax Seeds and Cottage Cheese (FOCC) well explained in this Blog by Steve Kelley.  What I am hoping to do is to decrease man made food (cereals, breads, pastas etc) and get back to some more basic foods.  I am trying to get my body back into some sort of balance and it's pretty apparent to me that the only way to do this is to cut out any processed or man made type foods.  I'm not going to go all 60s on you though :-)  Dr. Mercola makes some interesting points (not all that I agree with) on his web site and I am intending to cut out all sugars (Fructose especially) and start to get myself eating as healthily as possible.

It's also important that I get back to exercising - and I borrow a well known sayings from Steve Kelley here.  "EXERCISE SUCKS!" and "EXERCISE IS A CROCK OF POO" because it is - that's all you have to say!  :-)  However, it may be boring and counter intuitive - working hard and peddling for loads of miles and stepping off the machine having gotten nowhere.  Perhaps I should dust off my Mountain Bike (although there is a severe shortage of mountains in South East London / Kent!).

Whatever happens, I look forward to 2012 (except for No.1 on my list) as I hope it will be a major turning point in my life, one where I eventually get to grips with my own well being and the brush with cancer and what that has done to me, where I take responsibility for my health to another level, where I perhaps may be given the opportunity to build a business that could make a difference to thousands or perhaps even millions of people, that would be a great way to start the year.  Furthermore, if that happens, I hope it won't sway my resolve or determination or make me take the quick way for that would betray everything my colleague and I have been striving for.

Happy New Year to you all.

Dad

Well dad was OK I suppose and it was nice to see him and mum.  Also nice to get some local farm produce whilst we were up there - bags of potatoes, stick of Brussels and some Cauliflower all at reasonable prices.  The Greengrocer's spelling was funny they had "Storks of Brussels" instead of "Stalks of Brussels" which amused me.


We took dad shopping and got him out of the house - he is quite weak on his legs and frightens the hell out of you when he staggers around.  We got him a wheelchair and I pushed him around the shop whilst he made a general nuisance of himself.  He's getting to be quite 'dependent' or is it attention seeking, wanting mum there every second to answer questions, look at something and so on.  I recollect him being a bit like this but this was quite overbearing at times.  I tried my best to entertain and distract him. 


Dad still has his wit and mental faculties about him but only in short bursts.  He can suddenly go off at a tangent and he can become isolated and reclusive.  The TV was on a lot yesterday and he seemed to be watching that a lot more than paying attention to me and Mrs. F. but we were just happy to be there and if nothing else to be there for mum as well as dad.


The doctors think that it is likely that he is now diabetic and that may account for the recent ups and downs in the way he has been behaving.  I just find it somewhat of an ignominious end to a good life.  Somehow, it doesn't seem fair or appropriate to see your loved ones deteriorating like this before your eyes.  He is painfully thin, his legs have lost a load of mass as has his arms and his body is not doing what he wants it to.  He knows it and you can see the frustration and mild anger that he cannot get in and out of the seat, the car or other activities without assistance.  


He cracked a joke saying that his Hospital appointment was next week and they'd send a Hearse to pick him up.  He and I laughed but I'm not sure how convinced either of us was about it.  He is going out later today (New Year's Eve) to see his granddaughter (my brother's daughter) who lives close by and wanted them to come over.  I sincerely hope he enjoys that trip out.


2012 is going to be a difficult year I guess and Dad didn't want the girls to come up and see him this time - I guess that even 2 of us was too much really.  Oh well - we all need to face up to this sort of thing at some time or other.  I've some good friends I can confide in, ones that lost their fathers recently and so we can have a chat about things.

Not Quite As Planned

Being a Project Manager I have problems with people who don't alert me to things about to go wrong, who don't tell me when something has gone wrong (meaning I have to find out for myself) and other such strangenesses (if there is such a word).


Examples:  Just this week the toilet seat broke.  No one told me, I just discovered it half hanging off the basin so at way gone midnight I'm making notices to alert the residents of the household (which varies between 4 and 6 at the moment).  I then have to clean down the area and clean the broken bolt and then leave instructions for getting a new nylon assembly so I can repair the seat on my return as I was going to see my dad in the morning.  


The next example can be said to be a bit more serious.  The car, we go to my dads and leave earlyish in the morning - early enough to require (but not need) headlights.  When I get to look at the car one of the tyres is flat so we don't get away on time, I spend time inflating it.  Now lights, as far as I can tell, they work fine but after visiting my dad and leaving in the dark I find I can barely see past the bonnet (hood) of my car.  I try various combinations but can only get the fog lights and running lights to work, the dipped headlights aren't on at all but the full beams do work.  I'm 125 (or more) miles from home, driving down dark roads on what are the equivalent of 2 glimmering running lights and 2 low down fog lights designed (strangely enough) to drive in fog.  Every time a car comes towards me I have to switch off full beam and go to candle light!  Mrs. F. then informs me that she had some problems with the headlights last week and the week before and then tells me the story of the morning no headlights were on but when she got to work they were on and this begins to get me thinking that the rain and damp conditions have shorted out something in the car as it is highly unlikely that two bulbs would go together, highly unlikely.


We try and work out what has happened - I find that none of the car manuals are in the car as they've been taken out and put in a place of safety.  I try ringing home but no one answers the phone - which is also bloody typical in this house - I answer it and no one else bothers.  After a fraught and taut message I get through to daughter who finds the book and we go through the obvious - check the fuses, look for obvious problems etc.  As we had a massive electrical problem this time last year caused by damp and dead leaves it sounded to me like some sort of damp induced problem.  So we look for the fuses (in the wrong place), then after closer checking find the fuse box in the car engine compartment and check what we can there and I cut my hand in the process.  We have moved to a pub car park that has some sort of lighting and I can use my torch but I didn't have a jacket - just a short sleeved shirt and so the rain and wind were also adding to my frustration.


Having checked all I could I suggested we phone up our breakdown people.  Mrs. F then informs me that we didn't renew that and so a series of phone calls results in the offer for them to come out at around £130 and then whatever costs it will be.  After looking at local call out firms, I decide that we could sit and wait for recovery and cough up (or not - it took days to sort out the electrics last year).  So we go to the pub and see if they have rooms - luckily they do, at a reasonable rate, and we can get a meal too so that works out nicely.  It's a bit like a plot for a B Movie as the landlady recalls.  However, they are very nice and take pity on us.  We phone my mum and dad and let them know we are 5 miles away but safe and will drive back in the light the next day.  We have no change of clothes, toothpaste or anything with us.


On arrival we take the car to our local dealer and explain the concern given the issues we had and they fixed for us.  A nice guy checks the bulbs.  Both bulbs are blown.  It's possible that we had been driving with one out for a while and this other one went he goes on to say but I have my doubts.  I wouldn't have been able to change the bulbs myself they are located in really difficult locations and the mechanic needed to be ambidextrous and a contortionist to get them and he took the best part of 20 minutes doing that.


After all that - it was the bulbs but once again, no one said anything or even asked me to look over it and that's all it takes, if I know something needs to be checked or looked over then I can do it.  I suppose it could be me...

Survived Christmas

Good grief - so much food and drink - so many elsewhere go hungry and we stuff ourselves stupid in celebration of Christ's birth :-)  Mmmm.  Anyhow, that said, it has been an amazing non stop roller coaster of a holiday season.  We were out or entertaining people for 4 days solid!  Today, I finally fell out of bed at 11 am as I was so tired.  I'm out of condition and I'm going to do something serious about that in the New Year.  I need to work through a backlog of food and drink and clear that out of the way first.  


We are going off to see Dad tomorrow - unless he calls in sick.  I have to say that I wanted to go over this coming weekend but just could not get the family together in one place at one time.  tomorrow only Mrs. F. and I are going and that's because tomorrow - the only day (and then only during certain hours) that I could make it so with A & L dad doesn't want more than a few people there.  It's a shame and I was expecting it to happen - perhaps (and it didn't sound a certainty) they could see Dad another day said my mum.  I somehow doubt that as A is heavily into her Dissertation for Uni and L has to to start the second Semester flying so I doubt they'll have free time to make the journey.


I suppose we have to accept that this is so?  I have a little difficulty with it but suppose that is just the way it is, we all need to live our own lives and do our own things and whilst I may find it distasteful that I cannot be popping in every couple of days to see my dad and regularly beat myself up about it, that's the reality of the situation.  I suppose I ought to be thinking along those lines - I mean if I was in Australia - I'd have to call regularly.  Tomorrow is going to be a nightmare anyway as I'll have to drive there and back in a day and so could be on the road up to 6 hours and probably will only stay around 4 or 5 hours at the most.  Not to worry I suppose, what can I do about it?  All of this of course is subject to not getting a call early on from my mum in case he doesn't feel great or isn't up to seeing us.  I appreciate that - my brother doesn't get it :-)  One day he will I suppose.  Some days, you don't want to see anyone even if they would cheer you up, you just want to be grumpy and sad and pissed off all on your own! :-)  Sounds strange - no idea why you'd want to but some days are like that.

That was good

Well the meeting was extremely positive - we tend to be worried and then be pleasantly surprised when we get a great response to the business.  Lots and lots to think about in the next few weeks and then we can get back to working out where we go from here.


My Dad was seen by the Doc yesterday who said nowt to worry about but at least they did check his blood sugars levels and these were found to be high (worrying but not critical etc).  My kid brother's kids are both diabetic and so he knows all about it and so they'll monitor dad's Blood Sugar levels over Christmas and the nurse will come up next week and do a more extensive set of tests.  This will determine whether dad needs some help here.  I was surprised the stuff that they were feeding him as in my own experience - trying to keep his weight up the way they were, given he has Pancreatic Cancer appeared to me to be strange given what that organ actually does in the body.


I'm just about ready for Christmas now and will go dark soon shutting down blogs, twitter, facebook and all the other stuff and just go and enjoy myself.   I need the break and to recharge as 2012 will be an interesting year.  Raising £Ms in investment will bring quite a challenge and just trying to manage it all will be far from easy.


So, here we are 5 and a half years down the line and the blog has changed so much from being all about cancer to being about life, the universe and everything.  However, let's remember everyone who has ever suffered from cancer, has it now or are, like my father, battling away and slowly approaching the inevitable conclusion that sometimes cancer leads us to.  Spare a thought or prayer.  I'm delighted to still be here and to be doing something that I hope will lead to a brighter future for many.  Now, if you know someone who wants a good investment opportunity - point them in my direction :-)


Merry Christmas to you all.

Worth Waiting For?

Well we will see a little later on that.  We are hopeful that we will get some good feedback and that we can use that to move forward in the New Year.  It seems so long since we asked for this meeting and it has taken around 2 months to get here.  


Just got a call - my dad, due for a check up today, collapsed at home this morning.  Doctor on his way, appointment with Hospital cancelled and it looks as if he may be diabetic - this is happening leading up to meal times (my brother should know as both his kids are diabetic).  He could also be having mental problems with going to Hospital (even though it is a check up).  It sounds to me like depression as I don't want to do anything or go anywhere when I get bad.  I also needed a guy to come in and sort me out with some Hypnotherapy to just calm me down to allow me to actually go to the Hospital.  In fairness to him, I can fully empathise with this as I hated going and of course the treatment was challenging to say the least.

It is amazing what a few hours can achieve

Not sure that I like this new blogger interface but here goes....


Today was about sorting out my accounts and getting ready for tomorrow's meeting with our Lawyers.  It is an important milestone as it completes our first phase of going to market to get finance and closes down 2011 and it's efforts in a natural way.  The trouble may be that there will be actions we need to take away from this to start 2012 with.  So be it if that is the case.


Interestingly I differ from the majority of the team in terms of approach on this and so this meeting also allows me to contribute some more in the New Year.  We have an interesting problem in that there is nothing to compare with what we are doing and so it makes drawing comparisons (which most people do) extremely difficult and so we need them to take a lateral leap to "get" what we do.


The nice thing is that it has brought me out of the dark place I was in earlier this week and into an interesting area.  It is fair to say that I like a challenge but what we are doing now (and have done in a way for a year or more) is way outside of comfortable and the skills and things we've learnt are amazing.  I just need to realise that the people I'm dealing with aren't as "good" as I give them credit for and to remove some of the doubt I have.  When I look at what (I) we have achieved it is pretty impressive to say the least.  Those who make hasty judgement and dismiss our work show a lack of respect and add nothing to our mission.  The trouble is there are many people like this who appear to open mouth - spurt text book bollocks - and speak from a level of authority they don't have, haven't earned or believe they have.  They've presented a series of wobbles but then when you listen to them you realise that they haven't grasped the complexities, nuances and subtleties of the plan.  We now try and avoid them like the proverbial plague.


Oh well - it will be nice to go to the meeting tomorrow and meet some top quality people who do get what we are doing and who understand what we need and, who we hope, will take us to meet the right people.

That's better

A little more upbeat this morning - a slightly earlier night, got up and had breakfast and started doing some work and sticking to it.  Also feel that after tomorrow I can just pack this in and start to enjoy the Christmas Holidays.  After that I can get back onto work and then worry about it.  It hasn't happened yet and it isn't likely to and that's the thing.  I just need to get my head in a better place.


My dad appears to be as well as can be expected, a bit wobbly on his feet but we will find out some more tomorrow when they go and see the specialist.  Let's face it - this operation has stopped him getting taken in and out of Hospital with infections and so that really is a massive plus.  Hopefully, they will enjoy Christmas and the New Year (although I imagine that may be hard).  I'm hoping to get up to see them before New Year if at all possible and as long as the weather holds out for us.


Anyway, today is a much better day and whilst I'm not 100% at least I am in a better place now.

The trouble with getting depressed

Is that it debilitates you in strange ways - OK - I can't sleep so I stay in bed longer and then I don't get breakfast and that screws my energy levels and then things get on my nerves that normally don't.  Shoes left in the middle of the hall - I mean I've had 21 years to get used to that but today I tripped up over them, then there is all the clatter when I am trying to listen to the 2 or 3 minutes of news and weather at lunchtime - that's switch on washing machine, dishwasher, kettle and do the vacuuming.  When all that noise is going on someone will try and speak to me from the top of the stairs so that I can barely hear them.


Of course, it's MY problem and my fault so I just go lock myself away and we just go round in circles until I begin to feel better myself and then I can face up to this stuff with my normal resolute humour and good nature.  I don't tend to get angry with the family any more, I just grumble and move on.   


So - my mood is no lighter although I am gradually attempting to get out of work mode and into holiday mode - it will be good for me - I need to do this.  Hopefully the house will also have worked out what the hell they are doing so that I can work out how to visit my folks in the next week and a half - not the two weeks I was originally led to believe were available to me!!!  The Hotel that I like is also closed for a period - I gave them a call and they were very nice and confirmed what I thought.  Not to worry, it just narrows the days down a bit more to add to the stress of sorting it out.  It's a bit naughty of me - I worry about seeing my dad and getting time up there and getting the girls there to see him before he calls time on that.


I guess that it is also nagging away in my mind about "how long" dad has and that I need to get up and see him as often as I can.  2012 is also giving me a problem - now you shouldn't worry about tomorrow or yesterday only today (Dale Carnegie I believe) and yet - there's a certain trepidation about what is coming down the tracks at me in 2012.  I do however feel that I am going to make some major changes in my life in January once things settle down a bit and I get my head back into gear.  This Thursday sees the formal end to this year's efforts with a meeting with our Lawyers that we hope will give us some useful guidance to start 2012 off with.  It is going to be a longer road than we envisaged and that's what is giving me the issues because now, after all the work is done, a lot of things are out of my hand and I cannot influence (directly) how people will perceive us and whether they will be as excited about our project as we are.


So a mixture of things, work, time of year, dad, me, family, and loads of other things playing on my mind are keeping me in a not too good place.  It isn't Black Dog stuff it isn't bottomless and it should be relatively easy to get over once I have to "perform" which I'll need to do by the end of the week - I need to get back onto top form and be life and soul of the party and get things moving - everyone needs to enjoy themselves and I need to be part of that.  It would be rude not to :-) as the saying goes.

Mum said there'd be days like this

It was all quite good to start with, my business partner mailed - fancy lunch?  Yes I did, I was beginning to feel a bit down in the dumps and felt that getting out might lighten my mood a little.


This new blogging software takes some getting used to and so I was a bit annoyed with the last few posts and how it crammed everything together - think it was because it wanted me to write in HTML - stupid default setting for that - why force a change and then don't bring over the standard settings too.


What else - oh yes I was up late, didn't sleep well and just was getting angry and annoyed at nothing really.  So lunch would help that a lot.


As it happens it was a very nice lunch and most enjoyable but that's where it ended really.  I got home and had a bit of a sleep - well alcohol and a nice lunch would do that.


Yet, I'm actually in a foul mood tonight and I'm depressed and annoyed and frustrated and all sorts of angry thoughts going through my head.  I do tend to get this a bit and I know what it is but I'm just not tackling it well.  It is work (lack of progress and the little voice), It is the lack of a check up for my bladder cancer (gnawing away - I expected it to be around about now and it isn't), it is the frustration and anger of not being up to see my Dad before Christmas and now, when I planned to go based on what I thought was some solid information, I find that the dates aren't OK and that Mrs. F. doesn't have the time off that I thought (I was told) that she did.


I'm not concentrating, not sleeping properly, not looking after myself and generally in a place that I don't want to be.  Thursday hopefully will be an interesting meeting with out Lawyers and a closure of the business for this year.  I need to make it a closure as I am still operating as if I should be working when there clearly isn't any work to do, it is a frustrating time and happens at the end of prolonged and intense work when suddenly, the work is complete and there really isn't anything you can do but you feel guilty not working and just can't switch off and wind down.  I recognise all these things and to that extent know what is happening - I just can't work out how to tackle it and get out of it.


Let's hope that I work it out this week though as I don't want to be like this for too many days and I don't want it to be any deeper or darker than it is at the moment.  As I said earlier I know most of the signs and I understand what is causing them and know how to deal with them but of course, getting out of the rut you are in is possibly the most difficult thing to do.  I'll be trying and I just hope it doesn't go on too long - I really am a miserable sod when I am like this although you'll be pleased to hear, it is mainly when I am alone and it is mainly inside - I try not to affect others when I am like this - I know they understand it but I don't do anything to make their lives hell but I may not always be "with it" or want to do anything as a group at times like this.

Bad day

But it started well - heard dad whistling away in the background when my mum spoke - he sounded quite chipper and having spoken to him yesterday I was heartened to hear him being cheerful. He is though losing weight and that's not a great sign of course and so we had a chat about that. Hopefully some of the Hamper we've sent them for Christmas will contain food too build him up. Of course he can't eat a lot either as he fills up so quickly. It's difficult to know what to do about it really, Budwig FOCC may help but I'm not sure he will go for it but I can but ask the question. I don't know why I've been morose today - perhaps it is work and the old doubts coming in again, perhaps it is that I thought that, by now, we would have made some progress. I would have but the team are taking a structured process that does mean a series of serial events rather than a parallel programme of work. Oh well, it will be what it will be but I suppose I'm just feeling it at the moment more then normal. We have our last meeting on Thursday but nothing much else to do, the presents are all bought and wrapped, the food is all being delivered with just light provisions needed later in the week and I've some accounts to complete and then I can relax and take a few weeks off. I wanted to get stuck in and do some extra work today but realised that I'd done this before and got nowhere - this for the company and my different approach, I favour a more flamboyant sales campaign, perhaps we will find out what people are expecting from us on Thursday. It's just been an emotional day again, the girls being home and us being a family yesterday and today has been great and I realise how much I miss L being around - she makes up the crazy, lively element (like me) and Mrs. F. and A are the steadying influences (most of the time). Mrs. F. and L are working all week, A is finishing off her dissertation and I just need to sort myself out a bit and try and work on being a bit more upbeat. I do find it surprising that I have these mood swings quite as often as I do. I suppose on top of this is that I should be having my yearly blood check around now (which isn't going to happen until sometime next year now as they moved it - when I expressly told them that this time of year is great for me as no one is sitting in the queue waiting!). Additionally I normally have a check up about now and that hasn't happened either. It's all playing on my mind, my friend now unlikely to ever come out of hospital/care, my dad, the business and other things are niggling me, not as bad as I was a few weeks ago but I'm not my normal cheery self and I realise that I've been neglecting myself of late and that is pretty much a sign of being depressed with me, I tend to go out of my way to hurt myself - not in any physical way but eating stupidly and drinking too much and that sort of thing although I haven't overdone the drink I have been eating junk food and at silly hours of the day. This will all have to stop and it's just me beating myself up over stuff that's beyond my control. Anyway, apart from feeling a little fragile tonight, verging on tearful again (I really hate that), I'm pretty much confident that this week I will be able to get what I want done and to get into a lighter, more festive state of mind. We can but hope.

Good Day

Nice to have L home - things get funny when she is around as her sister bounces off her nicely and even Mrs. F's mood is lightened. It was Mrs. F's unofficial birthday today - postponed from yesterday. It was good fun and then the girls cooked a meal for us in the evening. All in all a nice day apart from my DVD/Surround Sound system going a bit awry. It's been playing up for a couple of weeks and I thought I'd sorted it out but tonight it was back again. A closer inspection of the HDMI cable and a new one in between system and TV has resulted in no more picture break up and proper synchronisation of sound and picture. Thank goodness for that, it isn't that old and although I use it a lot it shouldn't be falling apart on me yet. A nice family day today and tomorrow we will get into Christmas putting up the tree and decorations etc. I realise that I need the rest and so hope that I will be able to put work to one side and concentrate on other things leading up to Christmas. On a sad note, a friend of mine who is in his mid nineties has been taken into Hospital as his "capacity" has been severely impaired and he is no longer able to look after himself. He was, along with my father-in-law, my sponsor into Freemasonry. It is very sad to hear of this turn of events. He lost his wife around 20 years ago but recently has shown signs that things weren't quite right. What a shame.