Go AWAY cold

My cold is hanging around and the cough and blocked nose are still there but I don't feel ill.  Trying to shake it off is difficult though and annoying as I just want it gone.


I've spent the day doing catch up on some accounting stuff, doing my tax return and generally getting sorted out.  Not much of a tax return as I've been paid nothing this year :-) 


I've not heard back from the Hospital so hope that is good news and I've been taking my BP readings which are acceptable and so have to visit the nurse on Thursday - let's hope that my readings then are a little lower this time.


I've a visit from the auditors tomorrow to look at my accounts and I hope they find them in order - it will be useful as they can be presented on time for the first time in years. 

St. George's Day

Flocky Bicep and another friend are off to the ST. George's Day bash in London.  It's a great day out but I really didn't want to go this year.  Next week is wall to wall eating and drinking and I'm dreading that.  I'm also not sure that Mrs. F. will be too impressed with me spending out a large sum of cash on booze especially when I've told her that I've just worked for 2 years (without earning anything) and that I've got to go and so something else for a living :-)  So diet and the savings in not sending in the UN to keep the peace in the household means that I've declined the offer as much as I'd like to go.


So - Monday morning of the last week of real work on the business and by the end of the week we will have enough in place to close things down in around 3 or 4 weeks time.  I see emails have gone out this morning kicking things off.  It is a bit of a sad day but there you go, if the market isn't ready for us then maybe later on?  All the work is complete and archived - backed up and ready to be dusted off at any time and we are awaiting the final responses that we aren't expecting to be positive and will then play one last card and see if we can sell the idea on.  If we can - great - if not, well we moth ball everything and review it every 6 months or so I guess.

Cheat day reprised

The problem with cheat day is that you indulge all your forbidden foods and that's fine - you can see why but I also wonder whether it also makes you not want to do it eventually.  This morning I woke up and the very last thing I wanted to do was to eat.  I forced myself to have breakfast and lunch too.  This evening I had a bigger portion of vegetables and legumes as I'm pretty certain that eating these larger portions is better having now re-read the book.  Counter intuitive, well yes, but the stuff you are eating is much lower in terms of calories than you are used to so filling yourself up is more a matter of getting close to what you are used to.  


Whatever it is, I feel a lot better about myself and was really pleased to go out and actually look slim.  On Saturday night I was able to sport one of my really nice Hawe and Curtis shirts and I haven't been able to fit into those for 3 years I guess.  They really are nice shirts and have just been sat in the wardrobe waiting for me to slim back into them.


I've been looking at different ideas for what to do with myself in the future.  I've been running the pros and cons of running a traditional English tea room.  There is one for sale on the Kent / Sussex border that looks great and in a Sussex style roofed property.  It looks great but of course these sorts of things are hard work.  Not that hard work is the worry but there's also all the work / life balance stuff too.  So each opportunity has to pass a series of tests that include money, life style and so on.  This one is in the balance as it would encroach on my present lifestyle but then it would give me a living and plenty of leisure time too.  On the other hand I'd probably miss my local friends and my hobbies.  So weighing up all of these things on a case by case basis is essential. I find myself drawn to a country lifestyle but I need to be certain that I can live like that - it isn't as idyllic as it looks or sounds.  You'd have to drag me kicking and screaming to live where my parents and my brother live - that's way out in the country and has its own problems.  


Life is interesting at the moment - I've not felt too angry or too sad about the end of the 2 year adventure but I'm really beginning to question what I "really" want out of life and whether or not I truly want to continue in the rat race or whether selling up and moving on is viable.  For me it is but there are three other people that need to be considered too.  I remember all too well the impact that moving away had on me when I was 19 / 20 years old and also when I was 10 when my parents moved us out of London and I'd think twice before impacting the children (hardly that any-more).

Prolonged Cheat Day

It was a bit difficult to get out of it really.  Last night was my friend's and my Christmas present - a meal at a Gastro Pub and very nice it was too - a bit quaint and they were mobbed out but the food was excellent as was the beer.  Today is official cheat day and I "suppose" I could have stopped last night and had yesterday as a cheat day but I'm out again tonight so decided to just go over by the extra meal allowing me to recommence tomorrow.  


I was able to parade my flatter stomach last night in a shirt that didn't struggle to pop the buttons and a par of trousers easily 2" too big for my waist.  I'm below 16 stone now and that's so encouraging.  I hope to continue that sort of progress but the week after next is an absolute nightmare - 5 events in 5 days :-(  I will just have to take it easy and try and pick my way through the minefield on that week.  Probably best to write it off and start again the week after. 


I'm still coughing for England here!  Also found for certain the problem with my PC - one of the 2 500GB hard drives has failed - unfortunately the main operating system one but the second one has the recovery partition and so with any luck I'll be able to sort that out.  I may take advantage of the ability to remove data if the drive still works enough.  I've ordered a new drive and so hope that when that comes I can swap one out and re-build it.  It certainly saves me having to purchase a new pc......  Mind you it's taken 3 weeks or more to diagnose that.

Coughing for England

If it were an Olympic sport I'd be chosen.  It sounds as if I am on 60 cigarettes a day at the moment, hopefully the meds will kick in soon.  At least my head is clear and I'm less bunged up.  I actually feel pretty good too so that is a plus.


I thought I'd stopped loosing weight but I notice that I'm around 15 stone 12 or thereabouts at the moment which is another good drop.  It's funny but I felt I'd lost some weight this week - it is difficult to quantify how I could do that but I guess it is feelings of looseness of clothes and also my face has changed the flabby bits around by neck appear to have gone.  I imagine being ill curbed my diet a bit too.


Anyway, at least I'm on the road to recovery and also losing weight continues which I am pleased about.

Getting There

I'm glad I didn't go to the meeting this evening - I'd have been coughing and sneezing and sniffing and spluttering and you know what it is like when you try not to, you just make it worse.  A good sleep in the afternoon set me up and some more meds means I'm now ready to hit bed and see how I am in the morning.


I have to say that I've found this cold quite debilitating mainly because of the headache that is going along with it!  


Tomorrow I hope to be feeling a bit better as it is the day of my Christmas treat/gift from the girls and they are taking me to a Gastro Pub.  So that will mean I will need to have an early cheat day unless I can find something that suits my diet.  I kind of doubt they will have anything like that and we are also out Saturday so the diet will just have to take a back seat for a day.  In a further weeks time I have a major problem.  I'm out for 6 days out of 7 at various functions one after the other with little choice over menus and so will very probably just have to abandon the diet for that week.


I'm doing quite well on the diet and have managed to maintain it pretty much these past 4 or 5 weeks.  I'm hovering around 16 stone though and need to work on dropping some more.  I think I must be doing something wrong at the moment and so will re-read the FAQs and see what it may be.  Mind you I can see big improvements in my blood pressure and general well being (except this cold) so it seems to be working well up to a point.

Yuk - I hate colds

I suppose we all do but I really could do without one right now.  I've cancelled tonight's meeting and I'm meant to be going out tomorrow and Saturday as well.


I can at least feel the cold "coming out" now so that's something but could do without the coughing and sneezing and sore throat.  Another day of rest and cold and flu drugs should, I hope, clear this up as I have work to get on with and this isn't really helping matters.


All I really want to do is to lie down and do nothing.  That sounds like a plan to me.

Yuk

Oh great - I had a reasonable night's sleep and lay in as I felt so tired but forced myself up and had breakfast, flu powders and I'm in full mode, sneezing, coughing, sore throat and nose, headache from hell, you know the sort of thing.   Sneezing feels like my head is coming off and half the contents are about to come out :-(  I've made a decision to just go down stairs at lunchtime and take the rest of the day off.  I've also made a decision to not go to a meeting tomorrow (why give myself the pressure) and pass on my apologies and some instructions to the team to sort things out for me.


There's isn't anything left for me to do on the business front until Friday and so I can just keep a watching brief over things.  Whoever had this cold on Saturday - and gave it to me - I'd like to thank them for it!  What a nice gift!  Talking of which, I must write up something about my brother and the wedding one day.  Family events bring out the very worst in families.

Oh Great - a cold

I don't often get a cold but this has been coming along since probably picking it up on Saturday at the wedding - it really came out this evening and so I'm feeling not so great and sore throat, sneezing and coughing.  I hadn't realised quite how bad it was until I spoke to a friend who mentioned how rough I sounded.


Blast it - I really don't need this right now I can tell you.  I certainly don't need the headache that's going along with this either.


I've taken plenty of meds during the day but to no avail and so I'll see if the last lot will do anything overnight.  I certainly hope so.

Strange Cold Like thing

Someone suggested that it might be Hay Fever - a bit strange as it is damp and wet and has been for days so surprised if it is.  It hasn't got worse but I definitely have a sore throat and that horrible back of nose / throat feeling.  I've washed down a few paracetamol to see if that will help - it feels eased and at least it isn't getting any worse at the moment.


I think I may cancel tonight's trip out so I don't give this to the lads.  Today is perhaps the first of the run down to closing the business.  I've made up the accounts and submitted them and that's about the lot I have to do this week apart from a few emails.  I'm recovering my files from my cloud storage and synchronising software (thank goodness I did that).  I'm a bit worried now about my music files so may "invest" in storing those off site too.

Signs of a cold

The more observant of you may know that I don't get many colds or illnesses.  I've thought this was part of the regime of Immunotherapy that I had.  RIght now though I've got that back of the nose/throat dry sting that sort of suggests a cold is on its way and a very feint headache (again something I don't normally get).  So, I've had this all day and thought it was the journey or the party but maybe I've picked this up from someone at the wedding?


I certainly hope that it doesn't develop further than I have now though - I could do without a cold right now.

Not Just Me

It is an interesting thing that my co-founder of the business is likewise feeling "very strange".  It's not surprising really; we wanted to move on the idea and make a difference in people's lives and our objectives can only be achieved now if we can raise significant finance.  That isn't about to happen any time soon in many ways because the will and the money isn't around.  It's actually the right time to invest but the markets are so badly affected that many are like wounded animals - some fatally so we think as their returns are abysmal. 


We fluctuate in what we want to do and being employed and self-employed and working for someone other than ourselves again.  It's pretty hard to go into a place where you've got such wide ranging skills and experiences and just be one of the team.  It is going to be a difficult transition.  


We have worked out what we need to do now and have some dates in mind to resolve the last few outstanding things before we get ourselves to switch off the various switches and turn off the lights.  We will be leaving a night light on - just in case but we are also resolved to that being the end of it and whilst it may be able to be rejuvenated later - we cannot base our future on "ifs, and what and buts" so need to move on.  Many people think we are barking mad but that's because they couldn't commit to the journey we have made either financially or indeed intellectually and so we spend a lot of time reassuring people other than ourselves of our reasoning and decisions - strange old world - like cancer - I spent more time re-assuring other people that I'd be all right than worrying if I WAS going to be all right!


I'm happier (a bit) than I was earlier but know that I'll be in and out of this for some time yet.  Difficult times ahead but then its not as if it is life threatening or anything like that - one of the things I need to have learnt from having cancer is that whatever else I feel may be important like this really isn't as important as having your health and the ability to enjoy it.  Millions of people are far worse off than me and I just need to remind myself occasionally that things aren't that bad at all.  I'm still here and I'm well.

Not a nice place to be

Inside my head at the moment.  Feel a little bit down and a little bit indecisive, not quite myself at all.  It feels as if dad's situation has caught up with me, the realisation that a little later today we will prepare to shut down the business or take steps to close down the effort and so there's a number of things that need to be done.  I suppose it has an "end of life" feel to it so inevitably there'll be some sort of grieving going on and there's a lot to do.  Write to all the interested parties (the relatives), some sort of event (the funeral), some grieving first followed by some sort of celebration and then reflection.  Given the current situation with my dad, the parallels are marked.


Of course it isn't exactly the same but it has been my life for 2 years and so it is hard to let it go.  But let it go I have to as there is no way you can continue if the money isn't there and as we have found, if the ability to think "outside of the box" isn't there.  It is astounding to me that the vast majority of people I've met don't think differently and can't see that innovation is about mixing stuff up and shaking industries up.  It is a terrible shame but that's where we are and that's what we've found.  Even the people empowered to find a solution haven't even wanted to hear what we propose to solve the problem they've been tasked with solving.  But then like many of the Government set-up organisations they are probably not meant to find a solution to the problem but just to show that the Government are dealing with it which is a different thing altogether.


The next few weeks will be hectic as we agreed to shut things down quite fast.  This allows us to declare a clean break and to move on ourselves, taking as long as we each need to make up our minds about what to do next.  For me it isn't a case of jumping into anything too fast, I need some time to think it through and to make a decision.  For some reason there's a lot of dark and heavy thoughts coming in around my decision and I'll no doubt write those down as I go through that process.  These range from selling up and shipping out somewhere miles away through to going back into the rat race I was in before and all the associated things that may happen in between.  It's not going to be easy but then I'd be fooling myself if I thought it would be.


Like so many of these things, I can see where the problem is, I know it is temporary and I just need to work my way around to it.


On the up side, whilst my weight loss has slowed a fair bit, I am feeling a lot better my Blood Pressure is really good, perhaps as good as at the peak of my exercising activities about a year ago.  I intend to look at some exercises this week that will help me to lose a bit more and maybe they will help me.  I also need to work on ways of being more active during the day to also assist this.  

Wow - mixed feelings

A few days away, saw dad - he's his usual cheery self but there's some loaded comments when we chat.  He does look grey and drawn which isn't a surprise really.  I managed to speak a bit to Mrs. F. about "futures" and that was interesting.  We even discussed selling the house and moving off somewhere if necessary.


Then it was my cousin's wedding - very nice affair and everyone had a good time and then back here in time to see the re-run of the Chinese Grand Prix which was excellent.  


However, I have some serious mood problems tonight - very moody and dark thoughts and stuff passing across my mind about dad and work and life in general.  It's all obviously connected and it is just a matter of spending some time resolving these issues and working them through.  I really wished that I'd have had a few days to sort out the accounts too and fear that they may prove to be a little too difficult to get resolved for later in the week.  I just must get around to doing things on my to-do listing like go to the Doctors and so on.  At the moment I'm in a bit of a not doing rut - so just need to snap myself into action.

Off to see dad

On my way to cousin's wedding will pop in and see dad and see how he is getting along.  It's probably going to be a shock for me as I haven' seen him for a while and no doubt I'll see a big change where those around him will have seen a more gradual change.


Will probably only spend the afternoon with the folks before heading off towards the Lincoln / Louth area and staying overnight in a Hotel there then heading on for the wedding another 20 miles or so north of that.  At least it will be cheat day on the wedding day so looking forward to being able to indulge on that day.

Diet Update

I've been sticking to the diet but this last week or so don't appear to have lost as much as the first few weeks - which is, I guess, par for the course.  There's only so much you can lose.  I'm 2 stone lighter than at Christmas and about 1 1/2 stone lighter since I started the diet.


I've lost inches off my waist and my neck and I feel a lot better.  I'm doing well and am not tempted by any need to cheat on the diet apart from cheat day itself.  This cheat day I will be at a Wedding so can have plenty to eat and drink there.  I'm not getting too hung up on the weight day-to-day as it doesn't always work out like you'd expect and the main thing is that I'm well, I'm losing weight gradually and feeling better for it.  


Off to see my dad tomorrow, he can't keep weight on at the moment and so that is a worry.  I'll see how he is tomorrow but I imagine it will be a bit of a shock as I haven't seem him for a while.  He's 3 months past his 6 month diagnosis so we will have to see how things evolve.


I'm waiting for my piano to arrive - a family heirloom and it will replace my existing one which will go on to another family member (thank goodness).  There aren't many of them in the world - perhaps 10 or 20 that I know of.  I hope that I'll be the custodian of this one for a short while - it's already had 3 owners from new that I'm aware of.  Which reminds me, I must write up the history of this piano for future generations.

Useful Chats

My Nephew turned up tonight and we went out for a drink - yes I know - I can only have red wine.... and did!


It's nice to get an alternative view fro a younger person.  He and I go way back and we have a great relationship (even if I don't know it).  I don't get that I've been there for him for years and have been a surrogate dad and that's nice but also a bit worrying too.  He's a bright lad, in a world leading business and has done well for himself.


Tonight was a mixture of discussing what life has to offer and the various stages in the journey - it wasn't as heavy as that sounds but it helped me to formulate some ideas that I need to discuss with Mrs. F in the coming months.  It is funny that I've been interested in the journey - by that I mean - building the business, tackling all the elements that were needed especially after half the team disintegrated and faded into the distance.  I'm not entirely clear about what I want to do with myself after this is ended.  I see many paths and many outcomes and some are philanthropic and some are more capitalistically based! :-)


It's a difficult time - I'm a little past that mid life crisis unless I live to 110 when in fact I'd be right in it :-)  I'm torn between greed and hermit dom.  A bit of me says "sod off to Spain and enjoy yourself" and another bit says "Use all those skills you've learnt and do something useful with your life!" There's the commitments of family and friends and there's the security of where you've lived most of your adult life.  The house we've built our family around and the (limited) social life we have here.  All of these things are in a big see saw balance along with relationships and family, friends and social life, proximity to London (let's face it - whilst I may scorn it - I live in one of the best cities in the world) and then there are things like health and well-being and security and travel and other things that need to be resolved.


Nothing needs to be sorted out right now and decisions like this need some time to think through.  I have my own ideas and I'm certain that these don't suit everyone - so compromise is on the cards but what compromise would I come to?  What would suit everyone?  Do I suit myself or try and do a United Nations on it?  Time will tell I guess.

The Dead PC

Thank goodness for Sugar Sync - I'd have lost all the files I was working on if I hadn't of had this little programme working away in the background.


I realised tonight that I was out trying to reach something I can't have.  My youth.  I'd actually like my knowledge and my youth together but I can't have those.  I see things a lot differently and seeing my dad being in denial (not the river in Egypt) but also seeing the issues he is having with knowing exactly what is wrong with him, what is coming down the road and fully realising that he can't do even the simplest tasks now because he gets out of breath then I begin to realise just how lucky I am that I'm no longer in that position.


The cancer is wrecking his body but his mind is still just as sharp and informed as it ever was.  I realise too that we've never had anything other than a working relationship between us.  I mean that nicely, we aren't prone to emotional hugs, kisses and all that, never have been.  I'm very much like him and it's not a way of communicating I feel comfortable with at all.  I may pat you on the shoulder but it is highly unlikely you'd ever get a hug off of me.  It's just not something we have ever done.  I find it almost embarrassing when meeting close friends and kissing - again - very rarely done in the family.  


I don't feel close enough to my dad to have much more of an acquittance's conversation, almost a work mate rather than a father son (as depicted in film and novel available from all good outlets).  Don't get me wrong, I've no reason at all to dislike my dad or anything like that.  It is just that the relationship may well be one that involves the sorts of personalities we are.  I'd hazard a good guess, in fact I'd probably lay money on it, that he and I are both Myers Briggs INTJs which explains a hell of a lot about why we would both find it difficult and uncomfortable to talk on any level except the pragmatic and we do that fine.  I've never really had to take "a problem" to my dad, preferring (by far) going to talk to my mum who I have the most open and honest discussions.  Relationships are strange things indeed and I see it with my own children and their different personality types.  In fact, what surprises me is that they seem to be reversing the types I originally gave them.  A, who was always the quiet one, is far more fiercely independent and a very strong character whereas L, whom I thought had the outgoing personality and attitude has, this first year at University, retreated into her shell a bit.


Such are the nature of relationships and I am sure that whilst I will beat up on myself about the "professional nature" of the relationship I have with my dad, I can't imagine he or I are in a position to be comfortable to change it.  Intuitively we know that there is a lot of respect for each other and I have no issues to raise with him now.  Whatever I may or may not feel about  the past is the past and so cannot be changed so why worry about it?


Mum reminded me that it is now 9 months (give or take) since dad first went into hospital.  I don't know where that time went to and whilst it is nice that he is still here, I wonder sometimes how this knowledge of his terminal illness plays with his head.  He isn't stupid and I can only begin to guess, given my brief knowledge of the subject, what it must feel like.

Boring

I'm pretty bored.  I've been writing down my options - what I'm going to (or want to) do next.  Watched the Moto GP and the Masters last night which was good.  Mrs. F & L have gone out.  A is on holiday.  I'm sat here using the big "server" PC in the house.  At least I was able to rescue the back up files and have made that connect to this one.  That's a relief. 


A few more tweaks to make sure I can use this down the week and that will mean that I can at least sort out the Accounts that I should have done down the week!  


However, there's nothing to do business wise.  I'm waiting for the diagnostics and repairs to run on the laptop but I'm not hopeful.  It is taking a very very long time to run so that doesn't look promising.  I think I can partially sort the situation out with a new hard drive and might even try to perform a rescue from the back ups I have - we will have to see I suppose.  Of course, setting these PCs up takes days as well which is also a nuisance.  


The Piano needs to be sorted out as well sometime this week - but other than that - nothing is happening and so I'm left twiddling my thumbs :-)

Amazed how losing the PC

Makes me feel lost without it.  I'm amazed how much I use it on a day to day basis, just looking things up, firing off the odd email and so on.  How peculiar.  Of course it is also a bit strange not being able to get to my files not because they aren't saved but because they aren't on the PC I'm using which I haven't set up for remote access yet :-)


Back on the diet today - feel a lot thinner these days and my stomach is noticeably smaller and I no longer have the "love handles" around my waist either, my neck size is down a 1/2" too so all in all, things are going in the right direction.  I hope that this week will see a similar improvement.