End of Life

Either I'm a cold fish or perhaps I just look at things differently to most.  I hate the idea of my dad suffering away there and just getting no quality of life and without doubt the surgeons extended his life as I originally didn't see him making it past Christmas.  He's very strong (or was) and has had some extra time but in all honesty - it isn't him and it isn't a good way (is there ever) for things to work out but I guess we don't get to choose and we don't know when, where etc.


I have to admit to being in a strange place but then again we are shutting down (or putting the shutters over) our business this week and the girls are in exams or final projects and so timing isn't great but once again you can't choose that either.  I have no idea if you get a certain way along and then consciously make up your mind that you've had enough and give up.  


My limited brushes with the subject came when I had my feinting episode and got taken to St. Thomas's Hospital (about the best place) and had all that good stuff and 5 days of tests - I wouldn't go to sleep in case I didn't wake up - my children were very young then too - terrifying time but after that - things were OK and then, of course, Bladder Cancer and for some weeks I was wrestling with the arguments around what would happen - remember the staging wasn't known and I had to wait for tests and diagnosis so for 3 weeks I was waiting and then a few weeks more to find out.  Then it was noted as being a pretty nasty one.  When asked did I think I was going to die?  I have no hesitation to say that I really did think that at first.  


We all have to die, we don't like the idea, we don't discuss it much and we sort of brush it under the carpet a bit.  We don't know how to deal with each other and that's everyone, talking to the dying, talking to relatives of the dying etc.  We are very concious that we might offend or be indelicate.  I'm not really indelicate (I think) but I am a realist, this is going to happen and everyone is going to be very upset about it and it is going to be a horrible time for us all but we just have to deal with it and move on.  There's nothing in our power we can do to stop it and we just need to brush ourselves down and make the best of it and adjust.  I'll hate it because I don't like seeing people upset, not since I've been ill have I been able to cope with it and yet before, it would not have been a problem.  Either I've learnt compassion or as I suspect, there have been some interesting chemical changes in my body and some easing of the cells in my brain :-)


I'm not looking forward to this next stage either (who would) especially as I'm far away and reacting to any change in circumstances is going to be difficult.  Some people have told me that they regretted not being there "at the end" and I'm not sure if it is possible for that to happen, how would you be able to judge that and how could you possibly be there unless it is some sort of vigil and you get sufficient warning.  Some said they left their loved ones in seemingly good health and spirits to get home and find out that they had died.  


Things will take their course and I just hope that when they do it will be peaceful and pain free.  If I am there, then so be it but if not, well circumstances and timing would have been different that's all.

Short Hold

Whilst I wait to hear what the Doctor has to say tomorrow.  Dad has started eating again today which is good - he was only pecking at stuff because of the pain and has been sleeping a lot too.  The pain killers appear to make him want to sleep and I suppose that is no bad thing.   


I'll get a call from my mum tomorrow afternoon and can then make my mind up on what to do about things.  All my commitments are on alert now that I may not make them (that's this Friday and Saturday).  Anyway - let's see what happens tomorrow.

Strange Feelings

Strange indeed.  Not sure how I feel at the moment.   It's obviously not a good time at the moment and Dad's been going through the mill of it with falling over, tablets that perhaps he shouldn't have had and a whole range of things going on. 


Whether or not things are as bad as my brother says I will try and find out tomorrow from my mum and make a decision on what to do.  The distance is a problem as it always was going to be and that doesn't help me.  My brother's suggestion of driving there and back in day when faced with a trip around the M25 and M11 and back entailing a minimum of 5 hours if not 6 hours driving doesn't exactly fit my best things to do in a day criteria - if I have to I have to but it isn't as if it is something that I enjoy doing as a day trip.


I'm in a strange place I have to say - strange in as much as before I spoke to my brother I knew dad was poorly but not quite as poorly as he said so that has disturbed me.  The description he gave sounds, to me, like things have deteriorated in a few hours since I'd spoken to my mum and if that is the case then when I speak to her later today (now) I can see what I will need to do.   


I still feel quite remote from what is going on and a little less emotional than I thought I perhaps should although I did feel pretty disturbed with what my brother told me.  I'm expecting that tomorrow isn't going to be good news and so better prepare myself for that.

That's a phone call I'd rather not have had

Phone call with mum wasn't good and brother and sister in law were called in early to assist move my dad who is in a lot of pain with this tear across his chest.  My brother then called me to sort of say dad's really getting very frail, grey and his chest is beginning to rattle and he isn't eating much and maybe I ought to come up this week.


I probably will have to do that but will wait until I hear what happens in the morning as mum is ringing the doctor and in a way that will determine a course of action for her, my dad and inevitably for me.


I'm going to set some scenes with a few people as a "just in case" as I had some plans this week but might have to change those based on what transpires.


My brother is a little prone to excitability in these sorts of circumstances but I think he has a point this time.

Sunday Struggles

The diet starts again on Sunday and I struggle with it.  Not with wanting to get back on to it but with starting to eat again!  I have to force food down first thing in the morning as I really don't want to eat anything.  I'm so stuffed from cheat day that I really don't want to be looking at any more food.


This coming week may once again be difficult as I have a meal out (possible) and a meeting and a meal on Friday so possibly two days where the diet might get broken.  So far I've been pretty good but of course sometimes you cannot help but eat things that afterwards you find out you perhaps shouldn't.  Sausages are fine and I had some on Wednesday and they were great - a bowlful of small cocktail ones with mustard but what else?  Damn, Honey - so that would have spiked things for me, had I worked that out before hand I would have requested them plain.  


A friend is a Vegan and I offered him my roll last night and he said he couldn't as he didn't know the ingredients - it must be very difficult for him when he goes out, he even wears non -animal suits and shoes etc - try working that out.  It must be very difficult for him not to come into contact with something that has touched an animal or was derived from one.


But I digress.  I will need to be careful of what arrives on my plate in future but also be aware that sometimes you cannot always be certain.

Poor old dad (update)

Once again he is bed bound and very poorly, very sore and can barely move after having pulled the "gristle" around his breast bone and ribs.  It even sounds sore writing it.  He can barely move at the moment and so is feeling very miserable indeed.  


You can only imagine what it is like and can only really offer sympathy and just feel for him - what else can you possibly do?  


I'm off to a Lodge meeting this afternoon and the sun is out for the first time in what feels like months :-)  Let's hope it isn't too warm in the meeting or at the meal afterwards.


Today is cheat day and so that does mean I can have a few beers and that I can also have whatever food is stuck in front of me too.  I've been pretty good this morning only consuming a few bags of sweets and some milky, sweetened coffee.  Perhaps some toasted cheese at lunch and then whatever we will have this afternoon will suffice.  I certainly don't want to be feeling quite as bad as I did last Sunday when I didn't want to face breakfast.

Poor old dad

Poor fella is going through the wars, was very sore this morning after his fall and so now is on some strongish pain killers - as if he didn't have enough tablets to take!  


Hopefully this will give him a little short term respite from the pain and also now he is being weaned off the tablets they gave him to help him that actually didn't let's hope he can have a less eventful time.  Of course, he is just going to continue getting weaker and weaker and continue the downward spiral.  All we and the professionals can do is make him comfortable.  


The hell of this is that he is aware (most of the time) of what is going on.  

Piano Tuned

The Technician turned up today and did his best and managed to tune the piano a bit and so I have an in tune piano albeit a note and a half lower than it should be.  We have a plan now to start to play it and to get the Technician back in 4 months and gradually move that out to 6 months.   He reckons we could get it back into pitch in a few years but it needs to be worked on to make that happen.  The old piano is a wee bit too far gone to do much with and I need to chase up the new owners and see when they are coming as it needs to be hydrated.


Anyhow, piano available and in tune so I had a very brief play of it earlier and looking forward to perhaps digging out my books and starting to learn my chords again.  It would be nice to have that sort of skill.  Maybe I could get a tutor but who knows - I suppose I ought to get a paying job first on that one.


I was very concerned I was heading into a depressive state earlier today - before I heard my dad's news - but seem to have dragged myself out of that.  I'm also going to take myself off to bed now and attempt to get to sleep without head going 90 to the dozen. 

The Missed Phone Call

I dread getting a call from my brother and today I missed a call from him but couldn't contact him so left a voice message.  He then texted me saying that Dad had fallen over and was a bit the worse for wear.


I only spoke to my mum earlier today and she was fine and the doctor had been in and he came straight back very quickly when she rang him - which is good - I doubt he'd have wanted to go to hospital.  Doctor and Hospital appear to have "had words" about medication he is on and doctor is annoyed that said meds are making him diabetic and if things go on like this he will need Insulin not just the odd tablet.  


Things have been bad these past few weeks.  The trouble is that he isn't getting the most out of his food and the meds were to help him break that down and gain benefit.  The side effect is that they are making him more ill in another area.


My brother tells me dad is looking quite grey and drawn now - he was when I saw him.  I'll call in the morning and see what's going on.


Interestingly I bumped into a few guys tonight who haven't seen me for around 4 or 5 years.  They said how well I looked and that I'd put on weight and so on.  It was funny as one of them told me how ill I actually looked.  Now, I never ever felt I looked ill - drawn perhaps but not that bad but a look back at some photos and listening to a number of people now perhaps I did look rough.  Always nice to hear that I look that much better.

Definitely a bit down today

Down a notch or two in terms of my usual demeanour but only to be expected with dad not exactly right and given that we are wrapping up the business.  Two years is a long time to have spent on pursuing it and whilst we would like to have gotten somewhere realise that it isn't always possible to bring something quite as radical to market as this.


No matter how you prepare yourself for these eventualities and no matter how you think you will react, there's some sort of switch inside that makes things appear far worse.  So today I'm battling that general feeling of being "down" and not really my cheery and happy self.  


Had a horrendous dream last night, completely apocalyptic, everyone was infected with an incurable virus and were dying all over the place.   Woke up from that one gladly I can tell you.  


Off out again to London later and hope that I'll be a little more cheerful than I am now. 

Funny Day

Not sure how I ended up paying for it though but I did!  Ho hum.  Interesting conversations and discussions with some of the (now) ex team members.  I don't feel too bad although I should,  Given the amount of alcohol consumed!


Anyway - have got a little further forward and also a little further back all at the same time.  Sudden'y, now, everyone has bright ideas.....  Where were they 6 months ago?


Not quite so morbid and down in the dumps now but perhaps overnight that will change!? :-)

Strange Place

Well I'm a bit better this morning and a good sleep has helped.  The problem I often have is that I think too long and too hard and overload my head with lots of things to sort out all at once.  I am however in a better mood this morning and not quite so sombre.  I guess that yesterday was the final nail in the coffin and so it is a reality now.


Off to London shortly to go meet some of the team and see what their take on things is.  They, unlike me, have other jobs and have been getting paid these past 2 years.  It won't be quite as much of a shock to them as it is to my co-founder and I.  Ho hum, these things are sent to try us and I'm OK about things today whereas I had to admit to being pretty sad (or probably deeply reflective) yesterday.  I'm also sure that the news about dad didn't really help either.


Hopefully a day out will sort my head out.

Sad

It's late - I should be in bed but I'm sad and I'm reflective.  I'm listening to the album "Nude" by Camel - it's one of my all time favourites but I'm not feeling great at the moment and this reflects my mood in a way.


The album is a concept one about a Japanese soldier who was marooned on an island after the second world war.  Based on a true story it has some wonderful passages and great guitar solos.  


It isn't really helping me much and draws me into a sort of sombre mood.  I love the music but it makes me reflective and tearful.   However, it is "just right" at the moment as it captures my feelings extremely well.


I'm in a very strange place right now.  Yesterday the last piece fell into place and suddenly I'm back in the market and I just don't know where I actually want to be be.  I have many ideas and lots of experience but I haven't resolved in my self what I want to do going forward.  Life is now screwing with my head.   I don't really know what I want to do for the 2nd or 3rd time since Bladder Cancer came knocking at my door, I'm trying to work out what it all means.


Faith comes into play once again as do many of the lessons I've learnt these past 3 or 4 years.  What do I do next?  What will "float my boat" and where does my future lie?


Here's the problem(s):

• What does my survival mean and how can I live but benefit others through it?
• I've committed lots of my time to a number of things that haven't actually happened - how do I feel about the wasted (or is it) effort?
• I've loads and loads of experience and ideas - will anyone actually "buy" these from me?
• Does anyone (apart from me) actually give a sh1t about what I want?
• Is it all about me or is it about my family? 

And on and on it goes  - I'm really back where I started 5 years ago in one respect - in terms of money income to the family.  In other terms I'm so much richer in my head and in my attitude etc.  Unfortunately this great feeling stuff isn't materialising into hard cash and that is what I need to look after my family etc.  There's this balance between doing the right thing and doing the Right thing and I'm wrestling with that problem right now.


I'm very bad at talking this stuff through - I'm an INTJ - let's face it - what chance have I got???  


Oh well - things will work themselves out in the next month or so - as my friend told me tonight "it was such a brilliant idea and so way ahead of its time no wonder no one got it!"  It's still annoying as hell though.  

Life, The Universe and all that

I am free.  That's the end of my journey and things weren't mean't to be.  It is a damn shame and of course someone else will be the first to market and will come up with our idea eventually and we will be the Icarus of the idea.  Hell - what a shame, what a nuisance and what a waste (or is it)?


I've now got to do a lot of soul searching and a lot of working out what I want to do.  Tomorrow starts that process with some trusted colleagues and (no doubt) large quantities of Red Wine!


Let's see what the future holds for me now.  We've been here before and I've had adversity and crap thrown at me in spades, this is no different but this time, have I learnt from what I've lived through and can I turn it to my advantage?


WATCH THIS SPACE :-)

That's it - the game's up

Got the final confirmation that we aren't going to get investment just a few minutes ago.  That's disturbing and annoying, expected and settles the matter.  What a shame.


Many people have commented that they have never seen a more compelling proposition or such a well structured series of plans and financial projections and yet, despite all of that, the risks are too great and the market so depressed that you just can't get the money unless, of course, you fit a very narrow, well publicised, photofit of what is needed.  Unfortunately we aren't likely to ever fit that profile.  I'm not as fed up as I thought I'd be but then we prepared for this as well as the opposite by making ourselves examine the prospect some time ago.  


Ironically the agency tasked with solving the digital divide in the UK were away at a brainstorming session today.  It's a bit of a shame that they didn't even want to talk to us about what we have considering they are trying to find an answer and we've got it :-)  It's amazing how Ironic Irony can be sometimes......  Maybe they'll reconsider and come talk to us, they happily talk to people with makeshift short-term solutions.  But there you go, it sounds like sour grapes and is a bit but then there's been a lot to learn on this journey.


Prime learning - most people we've met are programmed to tackle problems in a certain way and  do not think outside of the box at all.  We have such a radical answer that many people don't get it at all.  It is probably not their fault but it is surprising that so many people were completely off beam and kept relating us back to their comfort levels.  The trouble is that even after having been thinking outside of the box ourselves, it is all so easy to go back into thinking like the rest of the world in a linear way and using a narrow set of facts to base ideas and actions on.


I think that we might indeed advance shutting things down from Friday week to later this week given that we now have our final result. 


A bit sad considering all the millions of people who cannot get on-line and despite what Governments and their departments say, they don't actually appear to give a toss about them.  

Oh Dear Sleep - Again

I haven't been having sleeping problems for a long time now and thought all was back to normal with vivid dreams and feeling relaxed and rested but the last few days have seen the insomnia type conditions re-appear and finding myself laying in or going back to sleep rather than getting up.  I'm pretty certain that a lot of this is down to working into the evenings thinking about what I want to do and yesterday I was on the PC all day doing research and writing things down.  My mind was overly active and it took ages to get to sleep.


I think I will try and address that this week if I can but I'm out late for the next three nights :-(  


My Dad is showing signs for some concern and is having far more bad days than good now.  He is beginning to feel a bit sorry for himself but still wont have the specialist nurses into see him.  I think he just isn't accepting the situation which is concerning to us but of course it is his decision and his mind is still fine so only he will know when to do this.  


I've pulled off my calendar / diary for the next few months so I can see when I can get up to see him.  May is a very bad month as I have lots of things on throughout the month and something every weekend.  This week I'm out three nights and two afternoons plus Saturday.  This is when I have little to do :-)


Next week is the crunch date for my business as if we haven't heard by Thursday week we will shut things down and so I guess one thing will go out of my life and we will scale right back and just do some odds and ends to tidy up and then work on what we want to do next.  


At least that is out of the way and I'll have time to myself without going through the motions as we are at the moment.  Professional to the end :-)  I think we will draw the line at going down with the ship - what's the point in that?


Still happy with the diet and now just want to bust down through the 15 stone weight and see if I can get below 15.  I'm managing to keep to the diet extremely well and over the next few days I've got a few more "testers" but I should be OK as I can choose what to eat tomorrow and just be circumspect about what I eat on Thursday - a 5 course banquet though so there are bound to be some dangers hidden in that :-)  Saturday is cheat day so I can enjoy myself and not worry.

A Very Quiet Day

It was a very strange day indeed as both girls are away.  It was very quiet and as it threw it down with rain intermittently we spent the day in the house.  Strange how the day went, I spent the day working on the computer and picking my way through ideas on things to do to turn a buck.  Have to say I also secured some twitter and blog accounts just in case I go down one of the routes.


The next thing to do is to start to formulate my ideas and see what I really want to do in the future.  There are a lot of things I'd like to do but of course, some are great ideas but hardly practicable and a few I think would take me 6 to 9 months to bring to fruition.  


So what I have now are a series of small business plans to do some high level tests on whether they might be worth doing.  It takes a little while to do each but at least this gives me a quick idea of whether or not it makes sense.

Damn photos

They don't lie do they?  Well maybe.  But just saw a few photos of myself and whilst you can see I've lost a fair bit I still look like a blimp and so that's spurred me on to the next phase.  2 Stone down and I wonder if I can get down a further 2 Stone?  


I'm back on the diet and still feel good.  Probably the best news is the dramatic drop off in blood pressure which is great.  I was already on a downwards trend but this diet seems to have to nailed it to around the 130 over 90 mark and below which should keep my doctor happy.  Once again, the loss of weight also appears to have settled that down and here's another interesting thing.  I noticed down the week that I'm not so breathless and wasn't so affected by being in a crowded place although I doubt that I am completely clear of that.  What it must be is that I'm not carting around all that weight and so breathing is easier and I just feel that much better.  


It is surprising how much better I feel and so continuing with the diet is a no brainer.  

Back on Track

Not too much damage done by the looks of it but I do struggle the day after cheat day to start back onto the diet.  Not, as you may suspect, through not wanting to at all but more so from the jolt that the cheat day gives the system I really don't fancy eating anything at all, I need to force myself to eat.  You really must eat within 1 hour of waking and it is pretty important to do that too as the weight loss works best when you do.  The very last thing I wanted to do was eat but I did force myself to do that.


Once that was done the rest of the day fell into place and I was able to sort that out.  It is a strange thing indeed but the cheat day really does mess my system up and the excesses of that day really do shock the system - I could feel it especially the hit from sugary things - it really make my body wonder what on earth has happened to it.


This week too is a challenge but I think I can stay on track pretty much but once again there are three meal out - one mercifully is on Saturday so I will enjoy that to its full.

Home Thoughts, from Abroad

Came and sprang into my mind:


Robert Browning

Home Thoughts, from Abroad

O, TO be in England
Now that April 's there,
And whoever wakes in England
Sees, some morning, unaware,
That the lowest boughs and the brushwood sheaf
Round the elm-tree bole are in tiny leaf,
While the chaffinch sings on the orchard bough
In England—now!

And after April, when May follows,
And the whitethroat builds, and all the swallows!
Hark, where my blossom'd pear-tree in the hedge
Leans to the field and scatters on the clover
Blossoms and dewdrops—at the bent spray's edge—
That 's the wise thrush; he sings each song twice over,
Lest you should think he never could recapture
The first fine careless rapture!
And though the fields look rough with hoary dew,
All will be gay when noontide wakes anew
The buttercups, the little children's dower
—Far brighter than this gaudy melon-flower!

And then this also remembered.  Happy days way back to school days and my teenage years:

I have no idea why that should be but there you go.  Both are rather nice I hope you'll agree.