It's Not Surprising I'm A Bit Down

Mrs. F. - bless her!  Gets back from work and she doesn't really want to go out for our anniversary even though I'd asked a number of times during the week etc.  So that's fine by me, I thought it might cheer me up and perhaps be different from a night in.  I was ready to go out but there you go it got into a circular death spiral of british understatement and pleasantries and niceties dancing around the fact and being overly polite and so we ended up doing nothing.

I made myself some food and then Mrs. F. sort of realised half way through the evening that I was a bit quieter than normal.  I guess I was looking forward to even an hour out of the house but there you go it wasn't to be.  I think that the disappointment is all the more as I'd been doing some planning and ideas stuff during the day and need to spend some time discussing this with Mrs. F. before I go any further - it's no use me going off and doing my thing if it's the wrong thing for the wrong reasons and doesn't add up to where I or we need to go.

We have the long weekend coming up and next week I've got a pretty full time being out Tuesday and Thursday in London and Pre-Assessment on Wednesday.  

A Long Hot Summer Would Be Nice

The sun is out today and indeed yesterday I enjoyed a walk to the centre in glorious warm sunshine.  We certainly could do with a good summer especially after last year's wash out.  I saw something amusing this morning from one of our national newspapers - they suggest that May will be so dry that we will have water shortages.  Where do they get these people from - it hasn't stopped raining here for about a year when they last predicted a drought.  

In fact I recall a huge storm over London around this time last year as I went to a meeting and many people came in soaked from head to foot.  I was lucky I got in the door as the first lightning flashed and the thunder rattled the windows - it was amazing hail turned the roads white in seconds.  

The sun is shining brightly and things are OK - I've just called on my neighbour to tell him a number of things but mainly about a mutual acquaintance - the chap I met in the pub last year who was showing signs of dementia.  He's now in a home and they are looking to put him in another home but unfortunately he's turned a little violent which is so sad.  I've also just told him about my little tumour.  He had a lung removed suffering from Lung Cancer and so between the two of us we've been in the wars a bit :-)

I really do fancy just going away after my commitments are over this year and just having a lingering month or more in a Villa in France or perhaps Portugal or Spain and just chilling out.  we used to stay at a nice place in the Tarn area of France and enjoyed that.  It had a series of terraces at each wing of the old farmhouse, a lovely swimming pool and various garden areas.  There was enough space for 11 of us and yet we never tripped over each other and you could always find somewhere to be alone if you wanted.  That would do nicely right now just a place to chill out and recharge the batteries so that I could come back gird my loins and make a decision about what I want to do with the 10 or more years of working life I have and also more importantly to have a series of plan B scenarios in place should I need them.

Mrs. F. and I have been married for 32 years today - it doesn't feel that long ago which I suppose is a bonus.

Run Away And Hide

Tempting isn't it?  Just run away and leave it all behind and get a new life and just go and disappear off the face of the earth.  Well that's much what I'd like to do right now.  I've a mind to just melt away into the background.  I've got another opportunity to go for a job but you know what?  I'm not sure I want the stress or grief of it at all.  I just want to go and become a recluse somewhere and just drop off the radar for a year or so.  That would suit me.

I have so many things I could do, so many avenues I could pursue but I just don't know what I want to actually do at the moment.  In some ways - I suppose - the upcoming operation and the outcome of the tests will determine where next I could go.  In my mind I'd like to just disappear off abroad to some idyllic spot and just chill with some local wine and food and of course sun and perhaps sea or similar surroundings.

I'm not thinking straight  and I don't know what my prognosis actually is so in some ways the dreaming is for nothing at the moment.

Expected

As I suspected, they aren't going to take my job application any further and I managed to give them some serious feedback about the lack of process, attention to detail and time it took to go through the process.  In many ways it has given me the time to think through things and to consider my next move(s).  In other ways it has also thrown up more questions than answers too.

It's both disappointing in some ways and not so in others - I'm not absolutely sure I would have enjoyed it and things work out for the best in the end anyway.  It would certainly have not been easy to have started when I might be needing treatment on a regular basis anyway.

Now I have to consider whether to go for the other job - it involves a lot of hours, travel and grief.  Can't see why I should do that either - it might be good to find something with minimal stress I think.

Ups and Downs

To be expected especially as I just heard of a couple of people I knew have died recently from cancer.  I begin to wonder how much of this is 'modern' living and down to our food and lifestyle.  I understand that it is pretty recent but of course it could also be down to our living longer in general.  

I'm not in a dark place by any means and I just have my moments every now and then, reflection stuff not particularly anything other than that.  Of course these procedures aren't great things but I'll just go through with them and let things play out - what else can you do?

Today is a strange day though as it has started off quite cold and I feel as if I could easily go back to bed and sleep for the rest of it :-)  Not sure why I'm feeling this tired but I'm up now and had my breakfast and bicarb afterwards later on today I'm off to a meeting and who knows I might finally hear from this company that I've been interviewing with for 7 or 8 months now.  We played telephone tag yesterday so I hope that perhaps today we might get somewhere one way or the other.

Not much else to report really other than the slight pit of the stomach nerves stuff and I'm used to that - once I get myself into the zone I'll be fine.  Luckily there are a number of distractions coming up that should take my attention until then.

That's it - sorted out at last - music sound problems

Transferring my music  to hard drive and then indexing it and then getting the right graphics with the tags and the right genre and information has been quite a long and drawn out process especially with some 30,000 tracks.  The problem I then encountered was that when I shuffled the tracks to play randomly - the volumes were all different.  After some weeks of going through them and equalising them they are now all set at an appropriate level so that they sound like they should and will allow me to listen without having to keep reaching for the volume control each time.

I'm now synchronising these with my backup drives and enjoying listening to some of the fruits of my labours.  I like all sorts of music but this afternoon I'm giving my classical music a run out :-)  Very nice too.

I now know to check all new music for correct tags and graphics and volume levels before adding and indexing my collection.  

I can now get on with some other projects I have in mind including cataloguing all my Vinyl LPs, EPs and Singles and then seeing if I can move them to a collector or a shop or someone who might appreciate them.  As always I reckon 90% are the same as everyone else has - it's the 10% of records I have that are Promos and specials or rare that will be wanted.

I can also get my desk clear of all these small bits of paper with notes on dB readings and the like!

My Goodness - it will be Scar Wars XI in 2 weeks time

Yep - my 11th operation!  That's enough surely :-)  However, sure it won't be the last one I'll have although I'd very much like it to be I foresee they may have to do some biopsies again if this one proves to be a "bit naughty".

Anyway, I'm doing as much as I can at the moment to try and sort my body - the pH count is interesting it was around 7.5 which is OK I guess but I still took a little more bicarb to up that - I think I might do this after each meal more so lunch where I have the Flax Seed Oil (which is Alkali) and Cottage Cheese which is slightly acidic.  I'm going to try and make a sort of Tuna Mayonnaise with the FOCC mix today and add some vinegar and onion to boost the taste a bit.  I'm hoping that my mixing it together it will be easier to eat than as a cream on its own.

I gave a shove to the company that I am in the interview process with yesterday and they've rung back (missed the call) this morning so at least I should hear where we are in the process.  Not sure they've appreciated me giving them a cage rattle but they did say 1 week and it will soon be 8.

Not Sure

I had an invite from a friend of mine to go to a meeting on the Saturday before I go into hospital- I turned it down as I tend to get a bit "Cranky" in the days prior to going in.  Additionally in that week I will have already have been out twice up to London and have had my Pre-Assessment.  I wonder though whether I ought to take up the offer and go out and just enjoy myself?  It will be the first time with my new rank and also I'll be amongst good friends too so perhaps I might just do that.  I'll ask Mrs. F if she'd be happy for me to go - I imagine that if I am out from under her feet it may be a GOOD THING :-)

I had a strange evening this evening - it is funny when people suddenly notice how much weight you've lost - then they get interested - then they want to know the secret.....  Interesting :-)

Also some people weren't aware of my latest news and were pretty horrified and nicely upset for me.  I know that there's a bit more "risk" than I let on but generally, bladder cancer is slow growing and with any luck this will be a case of superficial bladder cancer, will be low grade and perhaps I'll get away with it remaining in the bladder - I certainly hope that it is the case.  Given the mess I was in when I caught it, I'm nowhere near the state I was in some 8 years ago now, I really had a bladder full of the stuff and constant bleeding.  

I do know that there is blood in my urine though as I can feel it - there is a very small "background sting" that you can feel not when you are urinating but leading up to wanting to go. It is discernible and noticeable if you know what you are looking out for.  It feels like you've been on a slightly acidic diet of rhubarb or something similar.

The upside is that they've seen this tumour, I'm going to get the offending thing cut out and it is early in the growth cycle.  That is good news for me even though finding it was bad.  Sometimes it is difficult to tell people that OK, it's bad news but the upside is that we know what it is, where it is and what to do about it.  It would be totally different and far more upsetting if they'd missed it!!!!

Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese - Hard to Swallow

I used to make up the FOCC mixture and then blend in some probiotic yoghurt or pouring yoghurt or perhaps some semi skimmed milk and then pour that lot over some breakfast cereal or muesli or some concoction made by myself involving fruits, berries, dried fruit, nuts etc.

With the diet cereals and muesli and fruit are off the menu as is yoghurt and any dairy leaving me just nuts and only a few of those at a time in reality certainly not enough to use in conjunction with the FOCC.  

The trouble with it on its own is that it is very rich and creamy and I suppose the nearest way to describe it is like thick mayonnaise and if you've ever tried to eat more than a spoon full of that you may begin to understand why it is difficult and slightly gag inducing.  

For the second day I've had it with hard boiled eggs to make a sort of egg mayonnaise salad thing but I didn't grind any flax seeds for it today but it still wasn't a nice meal.  I actually like egg salad and this didn't do it for me - I think because there is a lot of FOCC.  I actually use less than the standard recipes.  I used 4 Tablespoons of Cottage Cheese to 2 Tablespoons of Flax Seed Oil blended (they suggest 6 and 3).  If I have the flax seeds I tend to do 1 Tablespoon ground in a coffee grinder.

I think I will try a slightly different tack tomorrow using the FOCC where I'd usually use mayo.  Perhaps I might try and mix it with Crab or Tuna or make a sort of coleslaw with it or maybe a mixed bean salad.  I need it to be the background ingredient not prominent in the dish.

Steve K advised me that FOCC sets his body to be more acid and after receiving his note I duly went and did a quick test and found that my pH had moved from 8.5 to 7.5 following eating that.  So I'm going to take a little more Bicarbonate of Soda and bring that back down.  I can see that I'll need to do a bit more monitoring than I thought I would need - I was planning once a day but perhaps a couple of times will be more appropriate given this interesting swing in readings.  

I have a very mild trace of blood in my urine which is only to be expected with a tumour in there. Everything else looks to be in tolerance and so that's good news :-)

Talking of things that are hard to swallow - the Bicarbonate is a strange thing to drink mixed with water.  I tend to drink a small glass with it in and then follow up with a large glass of water to take away some of the taste.  If nothing else my dentist should be pleased as Bicarbonate will help keeping my mouth nicely alkali or neutral.

Start of the testing

I started doing the testing of my urine.  The early results look interesting with a high alkali response and some trace blood which is what I was expecting.  Everything else looks to be negative or intolerance so that's OK too.

It will be two weeks today when I'm in hospital and so let's see where things go.  I've been remiss in not having carried out my blood pressure tests for quite a while.  They are around 130 over 90 which is OK but I'd have liked to see them lower than that.  I feel that I may need to review my sedentary lifestyle again.  I did a lot of walking in Italy and I enjoy that so I need to incorporate some sort of exercise into my daily routine - or lack of it at the moment.

It's a nuisance not knowing about this job.  They said one week when I went for the interview and that was close to 8 weeks ago now!  One way or the other I need to know.  As soon as I do know I can plan for things - at the moment everything is a bit rudderless and I guess until I know what the latest episode of my cancer is it will remain so.

That was different

I just made myself a batch of clarified butter which was quite easy to do, you just need to melt the butter (unsalted) very slowly over a very low heat source.  It took quite a while but the results look great - so I now have ghee at a much lower cost.  Mind you when you see the gunk left in the pan afterwards it makes you wonder what you are shoving down you neck sometimes :-)

I had my version of Egg Mayonnaise but overdid the ground flax seeds - I need to remember that for next time.  It seemed to work out OK - I used three hard boiled eggs and cut those in half then made up the FOCC and poured (more like spooned) that over the eggs.  Added some baby plum tomatoes and too much ground flax seeds over that.  

I'm feeling a lot better now after lunch :-) I've had my half teaspoon of Baking Soda (Bicarbonate of Soda) in a pint of water this morning - it really isn't something I'd say is an enjoyable experience but let's see if it works along with the FOCC and I'm having a half teaspoon of Baking Soda before going to bed too.  

I'm just working out when is best to start checking how things are going - I suppose tomorrow might be good to start I've built the spreadsheet to put the records in.

Sunday woe day

I still feel rough on Sunday - normally because of my off diet activities on a Saturday :-)  Cheat day is great but after all those forbidden foods I do feel decidedly out of balance the next morning.  I hardly want to eat and have to force myself.  However, it does sort of prove the idea that some of the food you eat can't be good for you if it gives you indigestion and gas and it definitely throws my body out of equilibrium.

I'm just pulling together my spreadsheet for testing my urine and just having a review of what things are like now leading up to the operation and afterwards.  I was going to leave it until afterwards but now is a good time as I know I have a tumour I should be able to see a marker for blood in my urine.  I have no idea how this will turn out either so it will be a good experiment to do.  I'd often thought about doing my own periodic testing - mainly for blood as an early warning sign if you like but let's see what happens.  

I can also start my BP testing again especially as it is warmer and I'm not wearing jumpers and sweaters and can easily get readings.  

I'm back onto FOCC and intend to do a daily hit of FOCC as part of my diet.  I'm going to make a sort of Eggs Mayonnaise with the FOCC as the Mayo.  As I can't water it down with dairy, this way it can act like a mayo replacement and I can have it with a salad too.  I need to work on finding some interesting recipes for the FOCC - I have about 4 pages worth from a web site some time ago.  

Strange how well I actually feel

You can't second guess this stuff can you, I mean there I am with a tumour in my bladder and you and I wouldn't know about it unless they'd actually had a look.  In fact I feel great, not at all like I felt when I first got it when I did feel something was wrong but couldn't quite work out what it was.

So I'm feeling fit and well and altogether better.  Losing the weight has helped a lot with breathing and also the claustrophobia which appears to have abated - it's still there but no where as bad as it has been in the past and the meeting I went to on Monday where I'd had a very bad time the year or two years before was bearable but the air conditioning could have been better, it was the previous time once we'd got started.  

I'm out for a Centenary meeting of a Lodge this afternoon which I'm looking forward to.  It is my Lodge's sponsoring or mother Lodge and so more of us than just the two should be there. I imagine they will be in the big hall which will be great - no issues with space there!

Testing Kit Arrived

Amazon - you can find all sorts of stuff on there :-)  Not all of it as competitive as you may think but on this occasion it seemed abut right.  I've "invested" in a Urine test kit plus some bottles.

The urine strips actually do a lot more than I need for my use and so I'm learning about some of the other markers available in the test strips.  They all look useful but I'm really interested in the pH test.  This follows on from a blog entry by Steve in the US HERE, HERE & HERE.  Steve also kindly dropped me a note with some more information on it.

I'm thinking about leaving the testing until after the operation and until I've got over that but there might be merit in doing a before and after?  I'll think about that over the weekend.  There are 10 tests on each strip and I suppose it would be useful to setup a spreadsheet and record the results.  I'd also need to record intake too I guess so this will need a bit of thought.   Nothing ventured nothing gained as they say but it may be a useful addition to the armoury.  Some of the issues with this are the lack of protein but then the chap was facing radical surgery not a small recurrence.  

I'm certainly going to do some of the basics anyway - FOCC and then Bicarbonate of Soda - perhaps twice a day with my water intake - it is easy enough to add a half a teaspoon twice a day and to do the FOCC once a day.  I can give myself a good chance to get things moving in the right direction at least.  I'm probably at the top of my water intake at the moment - I was told to drink copious quantities of water to irrigate the bladder - which I am doing and with the slow/low carbohydrate diet you also need to keep drinking too.

Being on the 4HB diet (with slight mods) I think is still OK to do as I'm keeping away from sugars and starches and too many (bad) carbs.  

I have to admit to being a bit nervy at the moment - slightly heightened stress or nervousness.   It should pass I hope - perhaps I'm just getting over the shock or not looking forward (who does) to going into Hospital again.   I think though I'll sort this out in the next day or so, I just need to reset my head and get back into the zone.

Confused - you won't be after this week's episode of

Soap - blimey do you remember that :-)  Funny stuff...

Anyway, an update on calling the Hospital.  I had to have three stabs at it eventually but spoke to the Urology office and explained the situation - they were perplexed.  Phoned the New Referrals office where the letter came from - they couldn't find anything other than my Pre-Assessment and Operation.  Urology confirmed this too and once again when I called back to let them know that New Referrals didn't see my notes either.

So I just covered my arse as I don't want to be noted as a no Show when I would actually be in the same building albeit about half a mile the other side when they were expecting me there!  So it's just a pre-assessment as it normally is so that's good then.  At least I don't need to do the 6 hour fasting and then try and give a urine sample afterwards!!!  It just doesn't work and I'm not sure that it was the right scan as normally I'd have to have a full bladder rather than an empty one requiring a drink at least 30 minutes in advance.  

Anyway - that's all sorted out and it is just a pre-assessment so I'm happier now and some, but not all of the heightened tension is out of my body but not all, I can feel the tightness but now this is sorted it will probably retreat.

At least they looked through my notes and saw that a scan wasn't needed and certainly not for a small recurrence.  

Sort of even keel again

Well, I'm no longer angry which is good.  A good night's sleep sorted that out.   I'll call the Hospital later, get on to my Consultant's Secretary and explain the situation and no doubt she can resolve it for me.

More later.

Now it's anger

All the usual symptoms (Kubler Ross) going on here.  Nothing to see, move along please :-)

But really, tonight I was in a rage, a rage about the stupid letter but that had made everything real and sort of rammed it all home.  Then I was annoyed about the incompetency of the whole thing.  Miraculously the pre-assessment and the operation fall on days when I'm not doing anything so that's pretty good I suppose.  I can manage things - the pre-assessment falls between two meetings.

I'm off to bed now - going to try and get some sleep - hopefully the car will be back tomorrow!  I stayed in all day waiting and wouldn't you guess it, the only time I stepped out of the house (to go to the garage and fill up on some onions) the phone went.   Grrrrrr.  Anyway, hopefully tomorrow I'll get the damn thing back.

It's amazing how angry I am and at the same time how close I am to just wanting to go hide in a corner and feel sorry for myself too....  

Ohh stressy - depressy and messy

I suppose the letters make it all real and because they are so utterly stupid and badly coordinated it's set me on edge.  I certainly don't want to talk to the people today as I think I'd probably yell at them down the phone and ask them what were they thinking about to make both appointments clash.

Of course I could play arseholes and just not turn up for one of them :-) that's the anger talking there but of course I'm all wound up now and fuelled with adrenaline or whatever it might be that makes me feel this way.  It's a mixture of anger and fear all at the same time....  I feel degy one minute and depressed a few minutes later and just want to go roll up in a ball somewhere.

Oh well at least it will be within the month and interestingly gives me sufficient time to recover for my Sunday lunch a few weeks later.

I'll be alright a bit later today but I'm always like this.  I don't want to see anyone in case I bite their heads off - by the time everyone gets in from work I'll be in a quiet mode (I hope).     

Thought I'd add a bit more - late on this afternoon as I feel quite bad - all of a sudden it feels as if someone has punched me in the stomach, I feel quite low and it is only to be expected really - you can't feel up all the time when you've got a bladder diagnosis.  I'm still trying to work out exactly what they are trying to do with the appointments - but that WILL wait until tomorrow - I think I'll go direct to my Consultant's Secretary and get her to sort it out - she has always been very good on this sort of thing.  I ought to ask her what the scan is all about as they did a scope and so know what's going on.

Anyway - imagine you've just been punched in the stomach and you're slightly winded and also have that slight breathlessness and that metallic taste in your mouth where your fight or fright senses are kicking in.  I'll just have to ride this out for the rest of the day.  Which reminds me - where's my car - I was expecting it back this morning so I could go out shopping!  Probably a good thing actually I wouldn't want to drive in my present frame of mind.  

I actually know what is going to happen, how I'm going to feel and all that and yet somehow, that counts for nought at the moment, emotion has trumped reason for a short while but I'm allowed to feel angry, p1ssed off and so on.  After all it's me with the tumour :-)

Surely Some Confusion?

I have letters from the Hospital that all seem to be OK until you read them closely.

Pre-assessment on the 8th May at 14:00 and Operation on 13th report at 07:45 so nice a morning operation which will be good.  But hold on, they want an Ultrasound Scan (the first time ever before an operation anyway).  And when do they want that - 14:00 on the 8th May.....

Now I'm good but I can't be at Surgical Assessment and X-Ray at the same time.  A phone call will be made after I've triple read the letters.  It is highly unusual to want an Ultrasound beforehand but I suppose they know what they are doing.  It also screws the day up as you have to fast for 6 hours and are then - I suppose - meant to have the scan followed by the Pre-Assessment.  It suggests two appointments on the same day but it's obvious that no one has coordinated it properly so that they are at different times - I'd be surprised if they can get the timings right anyway - if one followed the other they'd be in danger of missing slots.

Oh well - let's give them a call and see what they really want to do.  I think I'll speak to the pre-assessment team first as they can make a call on whether the scan is needed.  They've also got the funny bit in there about requiring a urine sample - which is a bit difficult if you haven't eaten or drunk for 6 hours....  Surely some mistake?

Some more information

It is interesting the more you investigate your food and the way stuff is reported.  If you've read the other information that I put up on Bacon this ought to add some more and also put a little doubt in your mind in two ways:

1. Does the report from Harvard contain "shody" research and were conclusions jumped to?
2. Reading the other areas in this article - seemed to underline the research although the article seemed to imply what I stated in 1 above.

Like so many things you read it's all about how the science was conducted.  In many ways we still don't know an awful lot and with so much contradictory information out there you have to be careful what you pick up and use. 

I'm still convinced though that there is something to the reports even if it is statistical - and it was a high number of people polled.  It also "makes sense" that something that is smoked and contains "known carcinogens" is *likely* to not help an existing sufferer.  So in my book, it's out and might only be eaten rarely rather than everyday.