Four weeks and all is well

I find that I'm a very happy chappy at the moment.  I've been really quite bright with just a few small dips into my past.  I soon rectify the way I think about the past because I realise that it IS the right thing that I am doing.  It is difficult for Mrs. F.  but I haven't gone out of my way to contact her really and I feel bad about that but what are you supposed to do at a time like this?  I'd like to call and make sure she is OK but that's mixed messages.

So with that proviso I am pretty much as happy as I've been in a long time.  I love the house, the area and the people.  There's not much not to like about it apart from the sheer amount of money I've got through this past month, I never thought I'd go through that much so fast but of course there are loads of things I don't have and had to buy and the office equipment is pretty expensive too but now I've got it, things should start to look up and tomorrow I should have the last bits of the puzzle and be able to set up my two major scanners.

Then I'm ready to go and I was pleased that a friend of mine has let me use his address to receive post and act as a trading address.  That's great from my point of view and I help him out by going to his business breakfast club so that's the "pay".  

I'm hoping that within the week I will be able to get everything together for the business and start doing some small work to get my hand in.

Is it really 4 weeks?

It feels longer somehow but it is strange to remember that we moved in with a few possessions and now we can hardly move for boxes and detritus :-)  I will be culling some of my stuff - my beloved coffee machine for one.  It is great but really I can't keep it as I only use it occasionally these days and for filter coffee I have cafetieres coming out of my ears.  I have a Tassimo machine which doesn't need the high levels of maintenance that my old machine does.  

I've lots of boxes of things like software that in reality I don't actually need in my office.  I look back and I've used them what?  Twice in the last year if that!  Stuff has to go or be stored away.  I think that it is pretty much a case of being ruthless with things.  DId I ever use those bits I kept from the installation of the first kitchen that I held on to "just in case"?  No of course I didn't and there are so many things like that.  My clothes are also a case in point they too have a life of storage and not usage.  I think I could wear shirts and trousers for at least 2 months looking at what I have.  I don't need that many shirts and trousers.  Other stuff is way past its sell by date.  

Today was slightly disappointing in as much as I got my new PC which is massive and great and wonderful but there was no keyboard and mouse so I have no idea if it works or not.  I'll have to wait for them to arrive and then try it out.  What a nuisance but these days I'm not upset or annoyed or throwing my toys out of the pram or anything like that.  It just isn't necessary these days.  

Flocky finally completed on his house today and for him it was a strange and poignant day and I'm not surprised it surely must be when you finally walk away from your house and your past life.  It is a shock to the system and suddenly all the things you've planned have arrived and you aren't sure about it.  It's what you want but today it is real.

It made me think about when I returned to the house on Saturday.  I don't miss it at all, it's one of the good things about being an INTJ really.  There's a switch that says "OK, that's over let's get on with things as they are now".  My "new" life is just beginning - hell it's only a few weeks old but I am happy, confident and content.  Sure things aren't happening quite like I wanted but there's a piece of me that says - if things slip a day or two it isn't the end of the world, it's just they way it is.  I would be a nervous wreck in the old days and be upset and angry and aggressive.  Now?  I just let it happen it isn't any use getting angry or upset with things.  I can't do anything about it other than wait for when it arrives - like my bed - it arrived three days later than I thought it was going to but it makes sleeping in it all the better :-) It's a real treat, it is lovely and comfortable and warm.  It is what I wanted (almost I really fancied the designer bed but it was impractical) :-)

Soon, in a few days I will have everything I believe I need to start my business properly and get it working.  I need to do some practice and make sure I know my trade and my business.  Then I will launch it and hopefully start making some money - I need to repay my investments.  Again though, I am not worried about this.  I believe I have enough streetwise moves to make this business viable.  I have been planning and thinking about it for some years.  Now is the time to nail the opportunity.

SO 4 weeks today since we moved, hardly believable really.  Later we will be going up to London to meet a friend who owns a pub.  He has a free evening of Oysters and I believe it is either Gin or Vodka - I will find out tomorrow.  We can see how our local station and the fast trains to London work out for us too.  Looking forward to it - that's the thing these days.  I used to dread leaving the house and now I still have a little fear but I am looking forward to going to this pub and enjoying an evening out with some good friends.  Flocky and our mate MB will be there.  Oysters!  Love them.. :-)   

Back To A Real Bed

It was great to sleep in a large bed again.  The put you up is great and is ideal for a night or two but the new bed is great and the mattress also seems to be excellent.  Having taken the sensible option and gone for the storage bed I can see there is plenty of space to put things and so I need to arrange a time to go and sort out my clothes.  I'm putting it off a bit because I know that I really need to throw a lot of my clothes out as I never wear them.  I've my clothes from when I was slimmer than I am now and those can be stored easily enough but there are some things that, frankly, I'm never going to wear again so they can go to the clothes bank which is where I am going in a short while.  I need to get some shopping and I also need to get some fuel for the car too.

I quite enjoy going shopping but put it off this past week but that too is OK as I used up every last bit of food I bought :-) I don't buy a lot but it is enough to live on and I don't tend to have very much other than protein and vegetables and fat in the form of cheese, butter and cream.  I've actually noticed that I've lost quite a few pounds since 2 weeks ago as I couldn't fit into a shirt then that easily did up.  I just now need to keep that momentum up but I'm now not going for the drastic measures I did this time last year.  If there's a pint of beer on offer, as there was yesterday then I'll have it but otherwise I'll be drinking soda water which is actually quite nice.

On my own last night and today - not to worry I will go shopping and I have some washing on the go and I will probably take myself off for a walk and stumble into one or two of the pubs in the village as I did last week.  If it stops raining I might wear my new shoes which are absolute rascals.  They are brown brogue boots!  They look great with my cream trousers or a pair of jeans...  All part of my new image of myself.

Nice to get out

We were out in Surrey last night at a meeting and then this morning to out own Lodge meeting.  The sun shone, the birds sang and the meeting was great and I finished my last speech in the Lodge (as far as I know that is) and will retire to the bench. 

So I was driving so no no drinking and I had to pop back to the house.  I saw Mrs. F. and we exchanged pleasantries - there was some correspondence for me and I picked up the slides, videos and photos so that I can start to practice those next week.  I am feeling quite keen on launching in the next month as I feel that is a realistic target.  Certainly people I spoke to today were quite keen to get involved in it.

Getting back to Mrs. F. I did offer not to go when she was there but she felt it was going to be OK she did look red eyed and I felt very sad myself, still do I actually feel quite upset and knew I would.  My sympathetic and charitable side wanted so much to give her a hug but that sends out all the wrong signals.  

I feel quite encouraged that people are so supportive of me and many came up and commiserated  with me and so many wondered if it was beyond repair.  I wonder whether it would ever have been repairable?  I don't know - I really don't know. I felt that sympathetic I almost considered it.   

Of course - I'm my usual bright and cheerful self which probably didn't help the situation much either.

I guess time will resolve this and I can throw myself into work and see how it goes from there.

Business Cards Arrived and TV Installed

It all takes time doesn't it?  It's taken a long time to get here and that's almost to the point of being able to practice and slowly launch the business.  It's taking a little time but I haven't been here 4 weeks yet and so by that anniversary (next Tuesday) I should have the PC which is arriving on Monday and the final odds and sods to have enough together to run my first jobs.  These will be on my mum's photos to start with followed by hundreds of my own negatives, slides and videos.  I have already realised that I need to document my processes and run quality checks as I made a few errors in the VHS to DVD transfers today.  I have to say that the CD and DVD printer is looking great - I like it and have already sorted out the design for that.

My business cards are great - I love them and have 500 to be getting on with.  They have the Black background on one side and my contact details on the other - the black really makes the logo leap off the card.  

Hopefully on Monday I can get the PC installed and set up (it will take a long time it always does).  The main thing is that it doesn't concern me like it used to.  In the old days I'd be upset about it and annoyed and now I know that it will happen in its own good time.  That's the way of it.

I am out later today to a meeting and have to go past the house on the way home so I will pop in and See Mrs. F. for a short time.  I haven't seen her since I moved here.  I have mixed feelings about that.  I need to pick up my letters and then also pick up my photos, negatives, videos and other bits so I can start to practice my craft on my own stuff prior to unleashing myself on an unsuspecting public.

Still reeling from the amount of money I've just spent on equipment but it is needed and if I'm going to run a business then I am going to need to do it.  Again, I felt some slight twangs about doing it but when I think about it I know that I need to have made this spend.  There are some more things that I'd like but I can't see myself getting these until I need them and they should be available and they aren't anywhere near the cost of the stuff I've got so far.

Just the PC to go

It's a bit frustrating but I'll have to wait until the PC arrives which will probably me Monday now.  That's no problems at all really.  I have the scanners and printers all in now but need to wait until the big PC is here to connect them up although I could set up the small printer as it is a network one I suppose.

It's an interesting thing that now I have all the equipment here the room looks crowded but it's workable.  I'll have to just be very clean and tidy to operate within the confines of the office.  These days with electronic gadgets it should be pretty easy to get to almost paperless I would have hoped.  

I've done my ironing for today and that's all sorted out.  I'm awaiting the connection kit for my bed which I hope will come in the next few days.  I need to then work out where to put all the heavy duty boxes for my computers, scanners and monitors!  They take up lots of space on their own.  Once the bed is in it has storage underneath it so I should be able to make the best of that and make some more room - at the moment I've got one room full of bits of bed and an office where I've made room by putting stuff outside which needs to come back in again.  It will get done but I need to get the PC in first and then I can work out how things will fit around the remainder of the space. 

I listed all my office purchases and no wonder I was wincing at the money depletion - I've spent close to £1,000 more than I had originally intended but the main thing is that without that sort of spend I couldn't hope to operate a professional business in an efficient manner.

Put The Kibosh On That Then

Damn it my bed has some of the bolts missing - what a bummer.  Have had to write to them to get me some more bolts and nuts down here.  Trouble was I had to strip and move my put you up and so had stripped the bed and pillows and moved everything around the room and you guessed it I've had to move it all back again.  Then had to remake the bed etc and then move all the stuff around the room so I can get in and out again!  

On the upside all sorts of stuff is happening tomorrow - most of my scanners are arriving alongside my monitors but alas not my main scanner nor the PC to drive them.  Hopefully the PC will be here early next week and the remainder of the equipment is due this week.  Lord alone knows how it is all going to fit in my office - I think I know.  I will have to do some serious thinking about how I can achieve it.

I've ordered my business cards (which don't have an address on them) and I need to set up my email accounts.  I also need to sort out my trading address.  It's all good fun.

That's the thing, having fun and enjoying it.  I'm trying to keep it all light even the disappointment of the bed didn't make me angry - it's just one of those things - that's all.  It will happen in its own good time. 

Watching My Savings ....

Oh dear, well I've almost finally spent up just a bit more to go now and the business can get going.  I've spent so much money in the past week that I've depleted my savings to a ridiculous amount.  I can hardly believe it but I knew I'd be spending this money sooner or later so it was in the plan but it is still breath taking when you see your savings halve in a week :-)  Having said that - it isn't really true as I have other money to inject into my day to day account... :-)

So I now have a massively powerful PC on it's way with 16GB RAM and 2TB hard drive.  Add o that two huge 27" monitors, An A3 flatbed scanner and printer combo, a photo scanner that does 50 photos a minute, another scanner that does the slides and negatives and another printer that also scans but prints DVDs,  Blu Rays and CDs and the VHS to DVD system is here already :-)  The VOIP phone system is in and working with its non geographic code number (so I can move anywhere and not worry about taking a local code or having to change phones).  Software has arrived and transfer kits, cleaning equipment, there are magnifiers and all sorts of items for cleaning and keeping clean negatives, slides etc.

My mattress arrived last night by the looks of it and they left it by the side of the house but with no note so that I could bring it in.  It rained overnight and when I took out the bins it was there!!!  You'd have thought they would have at least left a note...  I think it is OK as it is vacuum packed and has double bagging.  

Flocky will help me erect the bed later on when he gets back from work. He is now in the final throes of moving in and so we have a room full of boxes and stuff to go straight up to the attic.  We are getting there gradually.  

Now The Hard Work Begins

Well I say hard work but in reality I've done a lot of the thinking and just need to work out somehow what I am finally going to do.  By that I mean I have lots of options and thoughts about how the business should be set up and constructed.  I'd like to be able to make decisions on things like pricing and sales discounts etc.  I want to make sure that I set realistic selling prices that are attractive and that make good commercial sense for the customers and for me.  

There are wording of web sites and brochures and how to structure the pricing matrix and so on.  Then there is the email to set up and so on.  It's all coming together and bit by bit, I am going to get there.  Somethings need to be in place before others and so I'm working on putting telephones, web hosting and email into place as soon as possible.  Equipment needs to be here for me to practice on and to check that my pricing is accurate as most of this is based on competitor pricing and not on a lot else.

Then there's the sales and marketing to be done too.  So much to do and it all really gets started this week.

Large Glowing Orb In The Sky...

After a long time where the rain has pounded us and flooded great swathes of the country we had a sunny day with blue skies and I determined to take myself out as I know I'm going to be in most of this week awaiting orders to be delivered.

It was lovely, really pleasant I have to say and the pictures feature below.  I really like it around here, the people are nice and the whole place appeals to me.  It feels "right".  My mum, bless her, sent me a moving in present, which I will use for my bed and sheets and stuff.  I kind of liked the way she said that she was so glad that I was so positive and forward looking.  I think perhaps there isn't any other way to be really.  I manage quite well on my own although I do like company.  Today I was mainly on my own and spent some time walking the local area, across the railway tracks and over to the shops then via Otford Palace and to the village itself and had a few drinks.  Came back here and fell asleep :-)  I may actually take myself off early tonight as I have been going to bed late and getting up early all week.  

My office is slightly cluttered and I still need to do some organising to make all the new equipment fit.

It is a combination of having so much stuff but no shelf space available.  I will make sure that I organise it properly in the future.  I haven't sorted out a routine yet of course until the equipment arrives and I can then give it my full attention.

At least today I was able to buy some stamps and some envelopes so I'm partially able to do any admin that can't be done online now.

 This is Otford Palace

 The View back towards the shops

 A Closer View of Otford Palace

 One of the old houses on the green overlooking the Duck Pond

 Lovely house on the green overlooking the Duck Pond

 Saint Bartholomew's Church

 The Woodman in the background and a Georgian Style house to the Right

 The view towards the Crown overlooking the Duck Pond Rounadabout

 And a slightly different view

 Inside the Crown PH  with the Old Fireplace

  The Duck Pond from the Pharmacy on the Roundabout 

My reward for enjoying my walk..... 

Saturday Night In

I think that was good to have an evening in on my own.  I watched the film Avatar - it's quite good on my PC surround sound.  Had a glass or two of red wine - also quite nice.  Breaking in my new walking trainer shoe things and thinking about work.

I think if it is nice tomorrow I ought to go for a walk around the place and see what's around the local area.  There wont be any deliveries to cope with so perhaps a walk to the local shops and I can wander over to the village as well and grab a beer or something and then wander back here.  Hopefully the weather is meant to be much nicer tomorrow.

Could do with getting out of the place I have to be around to have deliveries next week.  The week after too as I have some of the more expensive equipment arriving and I need to be in for that. So I could be "trapped" in the house for a while.  Flocky has to move quite a bit more in next week as well so it's all go.

Positivity

It's nice when you speak to people or perhaps it's just text and they say how positive I am and what a good outlook I've got and suddenly I'm just free of all the cr@p that I had to deal with before.  It is amazing how you live with it for a long time and you aren't really certain if your instincts which were telling me that it was all over (for many many years I have to say) were actually right.  I imagine I was in denial and I needed to work it out as I wasn't sure what it was.  

The depression and the not wanting to do anything or get up in the morning are gone.  I get up fresh every morning and wonder what will I do today.  Build the business is indeed one of the things but it's no longer needs to be done NOW! Arggh :-) that beating myself up about the delay that something took or having to wait until next week for something is all ebbing away.  I may now think like that but I can now recognise it and just stop, think how silly it is and move on.

Things will get done and that's the way it is.  I will set my business up but it doesn't matter if it is tomorrow or next month.  There is no longer a need to worry about it.  It will happen in it's own sweet time.  I thought it was funny that someone was worried that I hadn't got a lady friend in tow.  When I said it had only been 2 1/2 weeks since I moved out they were surprised.  Again, it's my tone, my outlook and goodness do I really need a relationship now?  Jeez I'm just getting used to being free again :-) It would be nice to have someone to meet but I'm not absolutely certain about that.  Anyway I have plenty of friends and I've been out and about with them a number of times already.  No I'm fine excepting the little pangs I get occasionally.

I'm not sure if it is right that I actually feel pangs for Mrs. F.  I imagine her being quite upset still about things.  Bless her.  I haven't seen her since the day I moved out.  Probably not a bad thing... It is funny though that I suddenly feel like that but as I've said I hate that I've hurt her.  I know, I know she's hurt me too but.... :-)

So it is Saturday and I've spent a little too long on this damn laptop as it is :-) Time to go do something....

Valentine's Day & How To Empty My Bank Account Fast

My first Valentine's for about 40 years with no cards, no special meals etc.  It's one of those little body blows where all the perfect people are loved up and us single people are made to feel losers :-)   i don't suppose that's a fair depiction but there you go.

So I started my investment programme today and I'm close to £2,000 lighter today and £3,000 this week - I've had to purchased a bed and all the stuff with that, towels, airer, vacuum cleaner and so on and so forth.  Today it was the first part of my investment in equipment and that is close to £2,000 and doesn't stop there - there's another £1,500 on top of that but hopefully that should be about it until I need to pay for the web site.  Luckily I have this money put by but it makes a huge dent in my day to day capital.  

Of course, you cannot make an Omelette without breaking eggs and that's the point here.  Without the investment I have nothing to practice on and nothing to sell.  It will be quite interesting I imagine to try and piece all the equipment together - I don't have as much room as I felt I did - I have enough but really could do with a bit more :-) The perennial problem but I will just have to make do with this for the next 6 or 8 months or however long it will be that I am here.

I've purchased my new phone system that can go with me anywhere.  I have free calls - well so called free but of course you pay for them :-) Unlimited calls is probably the right terminology.  Ideal though in business.  The main investment today was the photograph scanner which had gone down in price so that was good.  All in all though it was an expensive day but my bed is on its way as is my mattress and I hope to be able to have a decent large bed in the next week or so.  I also reckon to have my wedge shaped pillows - I've always wanted these to prop me in bed and stop me rolling onto my back.  Let's see what happens :-) I am hoping that in two weeks I will have a room and my clothes sorted out, my office sorted with all its new equipment and be ready to start to build the business.

I feel strange today, this day of celebration of love (or the greeting card, florist and chocolate industry).  I'm a cynic - shouldn't you be doing this for all 365 days a year?  I feel you should.  But hey Mr. Hindsight is a great thing.

My lovely lady was impressed with my poetry for her so I'm pleased about that.  She really is someone special but unfortunately not for me it seems.  Got to move on from that.  As for all the other "interests" in my life, if I weren't such an INTJ I might know what was going on with them too.  But I have no idea what is going on at all.... :-)   I'm such a klutz when it comes to all this fannying around.  To understand this you need to read this and this.  

It is a shame because from what I've been told, I'm really interesting to be with and very unusual.  I'm not a typical bloke who likes soccer goes out to the pub and expects my dinner on the table when I get back and all that sort of stuff.  Probably because I hated the way my life dissolved into the monotony that I've now escaped from I never want to go back there.  I don't want to dictate what goes on but in the past 2 1/2 weeks I've really had quite a bit of fun and been my own boss and I am beginning to slowly enjoy this new life.  It will be cool next week as we may almost begin to get straight but it doesn't actually matter if we don't.  We have our bedrooms clean and tidy although mine will look better next week, a room to sit down and relax in.  I have the office to retreat to.  I have my music.   There are boxes all over the place that clutter but you know what - it doesn't matter one jot.... :-)  

I often get these twinges of regret or longing and yet I think that it doesn't matter - I'm just 2 1/2 weeks into this journey of being a single guy.  It's all new and wonderful, slightly frightening and yet challenging and exciting.  Looking forward to it.

Enjoying Things At Last

Yes, it is amazing how getting away from the house has crystallized in my mind what I probably knew all along.  Hindsight is an exacting science as they say.  I love having my music on a little louder than I would ever have it on at the old house.  I find myself halting actions and then realising that I can just please myself and do what I want, when I want, at the speed that suits me.  All that rushing about has gone and I've consciously not followed any of my old habits.  Eating at certain times being one of them.  Watching TV with my lunch being another.  Most of my timings were to keep me out of the way of Mrs. F. and the kids too in some instances.

I'm happy to take a little time and a little care over trivial things and find enjoyment in simply washing up or vacuuming - it sounds stupid but if you aim to do the best you possibly can do at the task you are achieving it can work wonders.

My purchases have started to arrive - so I now have lovely Egyptian Cotton sheets and some nice soft towels and a shower / bath mat thingy to step onto.  Luxury....

It's great living here, I really am enjoying it more than I thought I would which is also great and the freedom and the relief of pressure is amazing.  I feel so much better and so much happier.  

Stupid O'Clock Once Again - But It's Different

This isn't a case of not wanting to go to bed but more a case of being so full of action that I'm still wide awake at 00:30 and could be going strong for a few hours but I think I will try and slow down and go to bed shortly.  I feel many things are coming along in the next few days not least the beginning of my new bedroom - a bed (sensible for the use of) and Mattress even more sensible, wedge pillows and covers and sheets, towels, airing/drier thingy.  I've got the list of all the stuff I need for the business and just shocked myself with the cost of that :-)  But I knew I'd have to invest that sort of money.

I feel I've been hemorrhaging cash this past two weeks - it feels longer already - gosh just two weeks..... I'm amazed.  So much has happened but of course we have all sorts of bills to commence with and it is surprising what you don't have to hand.  I will halve one lot of money in my account in the next two weeks!  Shocking as I had quite a bit in there to start but a months rent and 6 weeks rent in advance as a Deposit also take a thump out of your balance.

I have other money in other place it just means I have to play an cunning hand to move funds around when I can trying to avoid losing any interest that I may be entitled to :-)

Today has been so busy on so many fronts.  It's really beginning to ramp up and now I need to get a grip of my planning and so be able to get the right things in the right order.  I can't do the web site unless I have contact details and phones and emails and the like.  It's just one of those crazy things.  I don't actually need the phone and email right now so I am going to try and run that to the line.  I also need to invest in the equipment (the majority of the investment it has to be said).  I then need to practice using it - again it isn't a problem because I need to "learn my trade"

The thing will be getting enough business and maintaining the business pipeline and the actual doing of the work.  I keep forgetting that I'm my own boss and so it doesn't matter about time (in a way).  It will be what it will be.

I'm in such a different place in my head now.  I'm so charged about what is going on.  I had such a great time last night with my mates, I laughed so hard it hurt which is super and I hadn't had anything to drink as I was driving.  It didn't matter - I put beer in the Fridge here so that when I came home I could have a beer and just "reward" myself for not drinking earlier.  I was worse sober than I would be with a few drinks in me.  Great - fantastic, how free I feel and how slowly I'm getting used to the feeling of freedom and also practising the living each day as it comes and to allow myself the luxury of enjoying people and places for what they are.  

Miss The Old Place?

I thought I'd miss the old house and yet I don't at all.  I love this new house although it is very modern inside and traditional Mock Tudor outside it is warm, spacious and Flocky and I are pretty much OCD when it comes to keeping the place clean and tidy.  Having said that there are - as is to be expected when you move in piecemeal - boxes around all over the place.  As we put things away and find nooks, niches and crannies for the stuff the packaging will reduce. 

It looks like a home now and I really fancy getting out and about locally.  At the moment though I have deliveries coming and so that may prove difficult for a while.  There's a beautiful Village Centre to explore and it has a really fancy roundabout with a Duck Pond on it.  I love it.  No street lights and so the stars are out and shining brightly - I have brought my Telescope so I can get a good look at the Moon and Planets.

My office is a little "compact" but it will do for now to allow me to set up and run the business.  After that, I will just have to find a place that will be as good - perhaps with a proper office or large spare room.  But hey - I haven't got settled in here yet :-)

So much to do but no pressures to get things done.  It really feels as if yet another weight has come off my shoulders and here I am exploring my new freedoms.  It is very strange as I ask myself the question "Can I do this or that?......" and the answer is that I can do what I want (within the limits of propriety).  Want to eat later or earlier?  Get up early or late? All of these things are a little bit strange as I only have to please myself.  The consideration is my house mate though but the house is so big that in some ways that doesn't come into the equation. 

I don't miss the other place at all and I didn't think that would be the case but I imagine it didn't feel like a home for the last 6 months and possibly for much much longer than that and so it doesn't hold the "affection" it perhaps should.

So no regrets and very few doubts at the moment which is good I think.  There's a new found excitement every day that I'm free to do what I want.  There's a tiny bit of trepidation when I see how my savings are taking a thumping but you can't make an omlette without breaking eggs as they say.

Onwards and upwards.... :-) 

TakeTwo

So far so good.  Today I ordered my double bed and had to check that I was actually being sensible - I was - got a nice storage bed but really liked the totally impractical Italian Designer bed.  So today I spent a lot of money as I need the whole thing and got some wedge pillows which I've alway wanted as they are great if you sit up in bed and also should help me to lie on my side.  The mattress is the more expensive item but I think it will be brilliant and will really do the job as I sleep on a firm bed - even the little put you up is great and fabulously firm.  

My office is getting there - it needs another spree of cleaning and reorganising and I can then really get into doing business.  That is a key thing for me - I now need to spend a business day in the office working the hours and doing the work.  Of course we still have the distraction of daily moving items, building furniture and so on.  But I am now of a mind that things will get done in their own sweet time and not before.  I've really mellowed down and whilst occasionally I get a pang of "oh no I should have done this" actually it doesn't matter a jot.  If it doesn't get done today it will get done tomorrow - I have to build a business and that needs good solid foundations and rushing will not actually get the job done.

I'm off out tonight with the lads and the great thing about that is?  I'm driving so will not be drinking until I get back here where I have a few beers in the fridge.  The great thing is I don't need to "hit the drink" and wait at the pub for hours and hours until I go back home after everyone is asleep.  This is my house now and I can come and go as I please and I can pretty much do what I want too.  I no longer have the pain of living in a hostile environment.  I can't even tell you what it is like but it feels like it should have felt when I realised I no longer had cancer.  

Well - Hello There...

Almost two weeks and finally we got the Internet.  It's been a difficult time without it but not impossible.  I quite like the idea of being a bachelor again and enjoy the challenge and the freedom.  

I had a shaky "what have I done?" moment on the first day as I spent the evening alone and yet - a cracked open a few beers and decided that no - this was what I wanted and that where was the pressure and the stress now?  Well it just isn't there anymore.  No "atmosphere" in the house.  No doom laden myths to sort out just the freedom to do what I need to do, when I need to do it and no pressure either way - how brilliant is that?  Liberating and fantastic.  I've used my car more in the past few weeks than possibly in the past 6 months.  I haven't contracted any nasty diseases and have managed to wash my own clothes and iron them.  I really do feel that I'm going to be alright and at last I can see a way forward.

I only get minor angst and worry which is all about meeting people but I need not worry about that, it isn't an issue and things will be fine I know they will.  It's good that I can tackle these small worries.  I'm also working out how I go about building the business and from now on I can move that forward.  With the connection of the Internet I am able to start looking for equipment and to start to purchase things I don't have (a bed and all the bits for it).  I got myself a temporary wardrobe which is OK but I've still got to sort things out.

I love the house we are in, the views over the countryside if it would ever stop raining.  Believe me I could hardly believe it - the rain was stair rodding down and a bus pulled out which was going to Noah's Ark.  What a strange sign but apparently there is a small village around here called that.  I've lived around the area for a long time and never really noticed it.  

Anyway - normal service to be resumed soon. I am feeling very well and apart from aching like hell after moving stuff in for a couple of days and humping things up and down the stairs, it's liberating being here.  I have to realise that I can pretty much do as I want.  OK I need to do certain things but I can please myself where and what those will be.

I'm going to like it around here.

Last Post For A While I Imagine

So here we are it is almost the 28th January 2014.  It is a day like no other I've experienced before.  Sure I've moved house and had a flat which was great and not at all like today.  I was excited when I got my first place and when we (the future Mrs. F. as she was then and I) it was emotional and exciting and it was the beginning of a wonderful journey.   We had a lovely house, lots of space and a garden full of fruit and vegetables it was great as we needed to be a little self sufficient to make ends meet.

We had nothing (very little) we bought cheap second hand stuff (we still have some of it) and we built a house and a life together.  We moved here to our present house in 1988 and we worked hard and we made this a lovely house to live in and to bring up children because that's why we moved here.  I wouldn't have it any other way, I wouldn't want for that not to have happened.  

With regret I wished that we hadn't started drifting apart all those years ago.  With hindsight maybe I could have done something about it but I was in my 30s I was building my career, I was climbing the greasy pole and doing the right things.  I changed industry and whilst that was a risk I built us a financial pile and no one wanted for anything apart from love.  For that was what suffered.  Our children have not wanted for much - sure I wasn't rich in terms of money but if it was uniforms, trips, music lessons etc they were provided so I don't feel that I didn't provide for the family in that way but perhaps, given where I am today, I may have left part of the overall equation out.  :-) But hindsight is an exacting science as we all know.

So there we are my life up to now interrupted by cancer and torn apart because no one knew how to deal with me?  I recollect that not only did I have to convince myself but I also had to convince others.  The strategy was not to mention it and that works but it ignores the very heart of what was going on with me.  

But I digress for where I am now is where I am.  It's time to make that split from this house and to start off as an independent person once again.  It's time to make that break and to see what life is going to throw at me.  It's time to explore and to make new friends and to seek out new civilisations to boldly go where.... Oh you get the picture :-)

This is turning a new leaf, taking the high ground, doing something new and being able to finally make that break and to take stock and to see where we are.  I sincerely hope that Mrs. F also gets to see it like that.  I also hope she realises that I'm depleting our savings at double the rate as I live away from this house :-)

I felt absolutely horrible during the day and it was nice to talk to Flocky earlier.  We have both been through a lot these past years and finally both of us are doing something about it and moving on.  Where I know that today I've been very sad about it and I have no doubt that won't change tomorrow - at least I'll be out of the way and able to affect my own future far better than I can today.

It may be a while until I post again and I hope that when I get out of the other side it will be for the better.  I certainly hope so.

Feel absolutely awful today

Damn it, I feel awful today - cannot believe how sh1t I feel but there you go.  Trying to do the logistics of moving but heart isn't in it inasmuch as they've thrown so much cr@p in my office I can hardly move :-) Crazy but there you go!  

Feel sick to my stomach but I know I have to do this :-) Have to - it will be OK once this is over this should be the easy bit as we had the hard bit last August.  Coming to terms with all of this is what I need to do.

Time to seize the day :-) Back online when we get back online :-)